Good Times | - Part 15

July 7, 2018

A Very Good Day

Kate was up a little before 9:00 yesterday morning and in an especially good mood. When I mention her good mood, I am a little concerned that you might think that she generally wakes up in a bad mood. That’s not the case. Typically, however, she is slow to wake up. That has been her pattern throughout our marriage. She is generally a little groggy and not ready to talk.

This morning I went to the back of the house to see if she was awake. She had just gotten out of the shower and was sitting on the bed. She was about to put on a pair of pants when I walked in. She was quite cheerful and said, “You came in at just the right time.” She pointed to her back. I thought she wanted me to scratch it. Just yesterday, she had asked me to do that. It turned out that she wanted me to dry her back. I said, “I sometimes misunderstand what you want.” She smiled and said, “That because you’re not a girl.” I said, “Well, I know that sometimes presents a problem.”

After drying her back, I started to walk out of the room. She said, “Don’t go yet.” She was trying to figure out which way to put on her pants. It is increasingly a challenge for her to put them on so they are not backwards. She wanted to make sure that I was there to help her if she didn’t get them on right the first time. While she was doing that, I asked if she would like me to get a top for her. She did. I showed her one that used to be a favorite of hers. She didn’t want that. I got another one that is new. She liked it but then decided it was too dressy. I took it back to hang up and select something else when she said, “Why don’t you just let me do it.”

What I want to convey about this whole exchange between us is that Kate was quite cheerful and even a bit playful. She wasn’t really upset that I was offering help. In fact, she was seeking my help. In the end, however, she felt sure enough to get her own top. Interestingly, it was the one she had worn yesterday. I had just picked it up off her chair in our bedroom and hung it back in her closet. I’ve noticed that she seems to gravitate to things she has just worn.

When I first walked in on her this morning, I noticed that she had gotten out 4 pair of socks. They were all black, so it didn’t seem like she would have taken them out to decide which to wear. That’s just another puzzle. That reminds me that yesterday she brought two extra tops with her when we went out for dinner. They’re still in the car. When we went to dinner last night, she took a bra and two wash cloths she had used during the day.

I have often commented about the importance of music to both of us. I don’t believe I have said anything about the things she sees that also give her pleasure. For example, at Panera this morning, she turned her iPad around to show me the puzzle she had just finished. It was a black and white kitten surrounded by a ring of multi-colored flowers. She said, “Isn’t that beautiful?” She especially likes the ones with kittens. I got one set that has fifty puzzles with kittens. There are several that she especially likes. She often comments about how cute they are.

It’s not just the beauty in her puzzles that she likes. She loves all the greenery this time of year. The lot behind us is heavily wooded. She loves sitting in our family room and looking out on the trees. As we drive around town or out of town, she notices “the green” on either side of the road. It is interesting to me that she takes more interest in the green trees and shrubs than the spring flowers which usually get the most attention.

We had a good time at lunch. I said something to her about the boys’ soccer team that is trapped in the caves in Thailand. She was quite interested and wanted to know more (as she was and did the previous time I brought up the topic). I pulled out my phone and read her a news report. She probably asked four or five times where this was happening. This is a good example that her interest in what I have been calling rational thought (names, facts, and figures) that her Alzheimer’s has affected. She derives most of her pleasure from her experiential world. She literally lives in the moment and enjoys herself; nevertheless, she retains a normal intellectual curiosity. In the earlier stages of the disease, she expressed a good bit of frustration over her inability to remember. Except for her anxiety attack a couple of weeks ago, she hasn’t shown any frustration in a good while.

It pleases me that she still has her interest in what’s going on in the world around her. I frequently explain (briefly) events that are going on in the news. She wants to know, and I assume that in the moment I explain them she is satisfied. Neither the memory of the event itself or my explanation lasts more than that moment. Yet, I take it as a good sign that we can have these conversations.

We enjoyed ourselves so much at lunch that I hated to leave her with the sitter. We got home with enough time for us to sit down together in the family room. A short time later Mary arrived. I wondered if Kate would feel as regretful as I that she was here and that I was leaving. I needn’t have been concerned. Kate greeted Mary just as naturally and warmly as I would have wanted.

The best part of the day came after we returned home from dinner. We went to the family room where I expected her to begin working on her iPad. She did take it to her chair, but she also picked up the photo book that her brother Ken had made for her back in May. It’s over 140 pages filled with pictures of their lives from birth through May when we were together with them in San Angelo. It was just this past Monday that the other sitter, Anita, said Kate had taken a long time to go through the album with her.

I was taking care of a few household things while Kate began to look through the album. Periodically, she called me to look at a picture. She was really engaged. The amazing thing is that she spent a full two hours going through the book. She went through it once and then started over again. She only stopped when she was getting sleepy and wanted to get ready for bed.

This may seem like an ordinary event, but the only other thing I have observed that occupies her time for that long is her iPad. She sometimes spends as much as eight hours in a day working jigsaw puzzles on it. When she was working in the yard, she could easily spend four or more hours, but she gave that up more than a year ago.

When something like this happens, I always speculate on what made her do it. Usually, there is no clear answer. That is probably the case this time, but I do wonder if her current loss of so many memories could be behind it. I am remembering her anxiety attack when she said that she didn’t know who she was or where she was. It seems likely that looking through the book gave her a sense of her connection to so many forgotten memories of her family and her history. I hope so, and I am sure that Ken made this book with that in mind. Whatever the explanation, I know that she was fully engaged and enjoying every moment she spent during those two hours. Yes, it was a very good day.

July 5, 2018July 5, 2018

Enjoying Special Moments and the Power of Music

Yesterday afternoon, I was reading an author’s essay describing why she had written a book after losing her mother to Alzheimer’s. She said that she wanted to lead others toward happiness that one often misses because of the sadness that is also a part of the journey. She felt she had let that sadness prevent her from fully appreciating the “happy moments.”

Her words made me think of another experience Kate and I had with music a little bit earlier. We returned home from lunch. We sat down in the family room, and I put on an album of the last half of Les Miserables. Since we had seen the DVD and listened to the audio over the past few days, I intended to select one or two songs that I knew were among Kate’s favorites. Once it started, I saw that she was taken by it and just let it play through to the end. Initially, she was working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Then she became more engaged in the music, and put the iPad down. I could see that she was moved. She said, “It’s so beautiful.” I agreed. Before the end of the finale, tears welled up in her eyes. She got up from her chair and walked over to sit beside me on the sofa. She was crying, not out of any sadness. She was solely moved by the beauty of the music. I put my arm around her. She put her head on my shoulder. We savored the last notes.

We sat quietly for a moment. I decided to put on another album I thought she would like. One by John Rutter. We continued to sit there another fifteen minutes enjoying the music. As I have said before, we have both enjoyed music together since our first date, but I believe the pleasure she derives from music has increased substantially. I am glad that we continue to enjoy happy moments like this. They have been able to override the sadness that I sometimes feel.

July 1, 2018

A Quiet but Nice Day

Kate slept a little later this morning, so we didn’t get to Panera until just after 11:00. Then Andriana’s turned out to be busier than usual. That meant it took a little longer for lunch which actually worked in our favor. This has been one of those days when Kate has asked more questions about our family (her father’s name, my father’s name, our children, and where we live). I took advantage of that time to reminisce with her. I was partially motivated by her anxiety attack week before last. That night she didn’t know who she who or where she was. Since then I have been trying to give her a little more information about her and her family.

Today’s conversation dealt largely with our attendance at so many live performances since our first date to Handel’s Messiah. I reminded her that we began our 50th anniversary celebration with a trip to New York City during the Christmas season where we attended Messiah at St. Thomas Episcopal Church.

Then I gave her a Cliff Notes’ summary of other performances we have enjoyed since we married. Most have involved musical theater. The first Broadway and Off-Broadway musicals we attended were on our first trip together to New York in 1967. We saw the original productions of Man of La Mancha and Cabaret. Since then we have seen as many as 30-40 shows there and many more here in Knoxville. We have also had season tickets to the Knoxville Symphony for 30 years. We haven’t generally attended some of the more popular entertainers, but we have been to concerts by Louis Armstrong, The Mamas and the Papas, Gloria Loring, Eartha Kitt, Jimmy Buffet, Marvin Hamlisch, Bette Midler, Billy Joel and Elton John, Tony Bennett, Paul McCartney, Art Garfunkel, and Willie Nelson. Opera has more recently entered our lives but is a favorite. We’ve enjoyed opera at The Met in NYC, Vienna, Berlin, Amsterdam, Zurich, and Sydney as well as quite a number of the Live in HD at The Met performances broadcast live in local theaters.

I went through these things knowing that she wouldn’t remember many, if any, of the things we had done. She does, however, remember that we have attended lots of events like these. More importantly, she was very attentive and seemed to enjoy my them bringing up. At the end of our reminiscing, she noted how fortunate we have been to have had so many good times together. I agree and will cherish the memories when we are no longer able to share them.

July 1, 2018

Success: Three Times in a Row

As I suggested in my previous post, I took Kate back to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor? yesterday. That was the third time in the past eight days. It was, as they say, a “smashing success.” Once again, the theater was packed with an appreciative audience offering its applause when it ended.

Throughout the film, I kept looking over at Kate to see how she was responding. At various moments throughout the film, she expressed audible pleasure. I wasn’t surprised, but particularly struck, when she responded appropriately to things that were both funny and sad. I’ve said before that she generally understands what she hears, but she can’t retain it long enough for the knowledge to help her understand what follows. As the review in the NY Times notes, the producer gives its viewers a “feeling” for Rogers and his connection with children. I know that Kate understood that feeling.

On the way out, we bumped into a friend in the lobby. He commented about being a regular at this theater. When we parted, Kate smiled and said, “Well, I’m glad to know where we are.” We’ve also been regulars at this theater for many years, but I wasn’t surprised that she didn’t remember.

In the car, she said she wanted to read more about the film and Mr. Rogers. I told her we could check the Times review. She liked the idea. I read it to her shortly after we arrived at home. She listened intently. About midway through, she said, “I want to see it.” When I finished, she said, “I may want to see it twice.” I can’t fully express how much pleasure I got out of the fact that she liked both the movie and the review even if she can’t remember either right now.

This brings to mind something I have often read in a variety sources on caregiving. They suggest the importance of living in the world of the person with dementia rather than trying to get the PWD to live in our world. I think that is what Kate and I have been doing. It not only works for her; it works for me as well. Had it not been for her I would not have gone to see the movie even a second time. Even though I liked it as much as she did, I would have thought it silly to go again so soon. By living her way, I got to enjoy the movie another two times. I’m finding the same thing with the DVDs of musicals I have purchased in the past month. We’ve watched the 25^th anniversary concert of Les Miserables twice, the last 30-40 minutes three times.

Her world is clearly different, and I am not denying the sadness I feel at her loss of her memory for names, places, and events. On the other hand, we’ve focused on music, theater, movies, and social engagement. Those are things we mutually enjoy. They continue to add to the quality of our lives, and I am grateful.

June 30, 2018

Very Special Moments

I am always happy to report the many good times Kate and I have. Of course, some are more special than others. That was the case last night. It started a few minutes before we were to leave the restaurant after our weekly pizza. A couple I had first met professionally came in and were about to be seated at the booth behind us. They had been clients who really made a significant difference in the success of my business. I had always enjoyed working with them. It had been a while since we had seen them, and we got into a conversation. Instead of our leaving, we ended up sitting with them for quite a while.

I know that Kate did not remember their names or anything about our previous connection, but she handled herself like a pro. She continues to know how to greet people and engage in light conversations. It was much more than this that made our time special. As the four of us talked, Kate and the woman started their own conversation. I didn’t hear a word they were saying, but it was a pleasure for me to see Kate so engaged. This is a rare experience. In most group situations she ends up being left out, but one-on-one she can do well. We’ve had several of those experiences lately. I’ll have to work harder to arrange more in the future.

If the day had ended right there, I would have been happy. There was more to come. The previous three nights we watched the 25^th anniversary concert production of Les Miserables. It’s a three-hour concert. We watched about an hour each night. This was the second time to watch this DVD in the past three or four weeks, but Kate loved it every bit as much as the first time. Because of this, I asked if she would like to re-watch the final segment again last night. She did. I was curious to see if the repetition would dampen her enthusiasm. Absolutely not. If anything, it was more intense. As she had done previously, she expressed her feelings audibly, both in comments and in “Oohs” and “Ahs.” She not only praised the quality of the singers voices but also their acting ability. She was talking specifically about their facial expressions as they conveyed the particular emotions appropriate to each song. I took note of her ability to recognize emotions as well as she ever could. It’s also another powerful reminder of the impact that music can have. It was important to us before Alzheimer’s and even more so since.

Now I am thinking of trying something else today. Several times this week, I have mentioned the Mr. Rogers documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor? At least once, she has said she wanted to see it. We saw it last Saturday. She enjoyed it so much I took her back to see it on Tuesday. I am seriously considering taking her again this afternoon. That might seem a strange thing to do. It would be unusual for us. I don’t ever recall going to see a movie three times, especially in one week. Two things are motivating me. First, she really enjoyed the movie the first two times. I think she is likely to feel the same a third time. Even if she liked it less, it would still be fun for her. Second, we don’t have any other plans for the day. If we don’t go to the movie, we are likely to spend a little time at home and also Banes & Noble. She would be working on her iPad. Although she rarely seems to tire of that, I think might be a good alternative. Whatever we do, I am optimistic that it will be a good day and grateful for all the good days in the past.

June 27, 2018

As Expected, A Strong Finish

I am pleased to say I didn’t have any false expectations about the balance of our day yesterday. The movie, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, was as good as it was three days ago. I didn’t say a word to Kate about its being the second time we had seen it. I just said I was taking her to a movie. She asked the name, and I told her. She didn’t show any sign that she recognized we had already seen it. She asked what it was about. I told her it was about Mr. Rogers. That appealed to her.

As we entered the lobby, we saw two people we know. One is a member of our church. The other is one of Kate’s favorite PEO sisters. It was no surprise that she didn’t remember either name. I was struck, however, as we walked away. She said, “I know that person (her PEO sister), but I can’t remember her name. I remember that I really like her.” When I told her, she recalled the name but nothing else about her except liking her. This is yet another example of her intuitive thinking in action.

She loved the movie. I am confident that she never remembered seeing it before. She talked about how good it was, but she didn’t know it was about Mr. Rogers. When I told her, she said, “And what did he do?” I told her he had a children’s TV program.

It was time for dinner when we left the theater, so we stopped by Bonefish Grill and had a nice meal. When we got home, we watched the first part of the 25^th Anniversary Concert of Les Miserables. We had watched it a couple of weeks ago. She had loved it then and again last night. It is my favorite musical. I don’t know which I enjoyed more, the concert or seeing Kate so engaged. She didn’t even touch her iPad, a rarity. The day ended even better than I had expected.

June 22, 2018June 22, 2018

Making a Good Recovery

I am very happy to report that yesterday Kate didn’t show any of the signs of anxiety that she experienced night before last. She got up a little earlier than usual and acted like nothing had ever happened. Of course, I didn’t expect her to remember. That’s a good thing.

I was especially happy that she got up without my waking her. Two church friends had invited us to meet them for lunch at 11:45. As it turned out, Kate was awake early enough for us to spend an hour at Panera before leaving for lunch. We had a good time. These kind of social encounters are good for Kate as well as for me. As usual, Kate handled herself as though she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s.

After lunch, we came home for about an hour. Kate rested a while before I got her up for her 3:00 appointment for a massage. The massage therapist mentioned that she was very talkative. I was glad to hear that. I started arranging one massage a month about three years ago. At the same time, I arranged one facial a month as well. I space them so that she has one or the other every two weeks. Kate doesn’t say much about them although she often wants me to feel her cheeks after the facial. They are always so smooth.

From there we went to Barnes & Noble for an hour. Then we came home to change clothes and leave for Casa Bella. It was Broadway night. One of the men with whom we sit was celebrating his 94^th birthday. His daughter and husband, who now operate the restaurant, arranged for 16 of us to sit at one long table. We were served family style. The music was terrific, and it was another great social occasion. I sat next to a woman who told me she thought Kate does a remarkable job at these musical evenings and that she would not have guessed she has Alzheimer’s if I had not told her. Last night Kate discovered the woman sitting next to her is a former librarian. They had a good conversation about their common background.

Even though we had a good day yesterday, I do wonder if or when Kate might have another experience of anxiety. I hope that was an isolated incident, but I’ll be on guard for more.

In closing, I can still say that Kate continues to do very well to be so far into her journey. I am grateful.

June 17, 2018

Meeting our Expectations

In my previous post, I mentioned that the Greeleys were visiting us for the afternoon and that I expected to have another great day. It was a very good visit. We showed them a little bit of our world. Kate was late in getting ready, so we had them meet us at Panera. We chatted briefly before driving to Bluefish Grill for lunch. We introduced them to our friends out there, the hostess, our server, and the manager.

We caught up on their lives as well. Scott had recently returned from a three-week trip to Native American land in Arizona and New Mexico. This was another one of his many trips with students. He is preparing a video of the entire trip for them. He showed us three-quarters of it yesterday. Very impressive and very interesting. While Kate and Jan had a conversation, Scott gave me a fascinating Cliff Notes summary of the trip and culture of the various Indian tribes.

At 5:00, I received a phone call from a former housemate at TCU. I told him he called at a good time and would never guess who was with us. When I told him, Kate responded with great surprise and said, “Scott Greeley? I didn’t recognize you.” I was equally surprised at her reaction. Although I know she can’t remember their names, it never crossed my mind that she would have spent more than five hours with them and not know who they were.” I have to believe it was a momentary lapse. I do know that she usually knows my name, but sometimes she forgets. When I tell her, she often says, “I knew that; it just slipped my mind.” Whatever the reason, it got my attention.

June 10, 2018June 11, 2018

Our Day in Nashville: Part 1, Lunch with the Robinsons

Yesterday we made a day trip to Nashville to visit friends. We had lunch with the Robinsons. Our friendship goes back to TCU, and we have visited back and forth between Knoxville and Nashville for almost 47 years. Our children were very young, and we carted the various paraphernalia likes cribs, diapers, and snacks for an overnight stay. As we have aged, we’ve made the trips much simpler. We have lunch out and then go back to the house for conversation before going back home for dinner. Yesterday’s visit was simpler than that. We met the Robinsons for lunch and dessert and then went on to visit Kate’s best friend, Ellen, who now lives in a memory care facility.

Given Kate’s recent changes, I feel it especially important for us to be with old friends as much as possible. I was especially pleased that our visit with Tom and Angie went so well. In an email this morning, Tom said they thought Kate was pretty much the same as she has been during other recent visits. I agreed with him. She was an active participant in our conversation as she was at lunch with the Greens the other day. I continue to be encouraged at how well Kate does in these kind of social situations. I am hopeful this ability will remain with her for a good while.

The Robinsons were already there when we walked into the restaurant. Kate hadn’t remembered we were meeting them and said, “What a nice surprise.” Of course, I should have reminded her as we walked into the restaurant. This is one of those times I had talked about it a number of times including in the car. It just slipped my mind to remind her just before we saw them. It’s a good illustration of the fact that I can often treat her as though she can remember. She is so normal in other respects that I just forget.

I received an email this morning from my former TCU roommate, Bruce Morton. He and Tom and I send multiple emails to one another daily. He asked if Kate remembered the Robinsons. I told him that is a good question and that it involved what it means to know someone. There is no question that she has trouble remembering their names. Even after spending almost two hours with them yesterday, she asked me their names when we got in the car to leave. She had done the same thing on the drive to Nashville.

She greeted them exactly the same way she would have done in years past. I am sure, however, that she would not have been able to remember our past visits together, that they have children, where they live, etc. She recognized them as people that she has known before. It’s an emotional connection that remains even though all of the names and facts associated with our relationship have faded away. It is something that I did not understand when she was first diagnosed nor quite a while after that. I am glad to have discovered this. It has extended our ability to get together with friends much longer than I would have predicted 7 ½ years ago.