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Contrasts Between Highs and Lows

Since my last entry on Wednesday when we went to the Shepherd’s Center and to Nashville, we have had a number of highs (a lot) and some lows (a few). The highs include attending a class at the Shepherd’s Center, visiting with the Davises in Nashville, Kate’s working for almost 3 hours in the yard yesterday morning and again for a while in the afternoon, and attending Opera Thursday last night at Casa Bella. The lows involve our visit with Ellen and several instances involving Kate’s clothes. Let me comment first on our time with Ellen.

This is another instance in which I might have prevented a problem but let it slip up on me. First of all, we found that Ellen’s speech was not better than it was on our previous visit. In fact, it seemed like we were able to understand less of what she said than before. We had a good conversation. We arrived just after 2:30, and planned to stay until 4:30. Just before 3:45, Kate indicated that it was time to go. I held back for a few minutes but then gave in to her desire to leave. When we got in the car, I learned that she had felt that Ellen and I dominated the conversation and left her out. She is right that we dominated the conversation. Ellen talked a lot as she has done on our previous visits. She has always been a big talker; however, I have felt that she must not have as much opportunity for conversation now that she is in assisted living. I think it is for that reason that she talks so much now which is ironic since it is so hard for her to be understood.

During the time we were there, I noticed that Kate was not talking much. I attributed that to her not having anything to say. I think, however, that the problem is that she is slow to interject her thoughts in a conversation while Ellen and I are more forceful. Kate was quite hurt by this which was a great disappointment on my part because I have been thinking of these visits as something that is good for her. I believe that the next time we visit I will leave the room for a while and give Ellen and Kate a chance to talk on their own. In addition, I will be more sensitive to Kate’s need to engage more fully in the conversation and not be so quick to jump in when there is a pause.

The other lows have involved Kate’s clothes once again. I am trying now to set out the clothes she could wear (though I haven’t yet done so this morning). I am finding that when I lay them out, she forgets. She throws or puts them other places. When I ask about them, she has no idea where they are or were or that I had put them out for her in the first place. The good news is that she seems to accept my selecting her clothes, something she has not wanted me to do in the past. This suggests a transition from her taking control of her clothes to my doing so.

As I have reported in the past, she has been having moments of panic attacks when she misplaces things. Most often this involves her clothes. Once yesterday, when she came out dressed in something different from what I had given her, she didn’t panic when I took her back to her room and looked for the clothes I had selected. She simply accepted my suggestion. It was an act of giving in. While this makes it easier for me, it is also hard on me to see her give up her independence because I know how important that has been to her.

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Challenges with Clothes

Just a quick note before we head out to our first day at the Shepherds Center where we are going to take a course on the Holocaust. I tried something new with respect to Kate’s clothes this morning. I went to her closet and picked out a top, a sweater, and shoes for her to wear today. I also got a black pair of slacks from my closet. I showed them to her. She approved, and I laid them out on our bed where she was sitting after taking her shower. I left her to dress. When I went back a little while and found that she was wearing something different than I put out. I checked the bed where I had put the clothes. She had moved them. I let her keep her slacks on even thought they were not the ones I picked out. I found that she had opened the new pair of hose but had thrown the hose on the bed. I gave those to her. She was wearing the shoes and top that I had gotten for her. She had left the nice sweater in her room. I got it for her. We are ready to ready to leave when she said she wanted her ears cleaned out. I put drops in, and she is letting it soak. I am now going to wash out her ear, and we will go.

We left in something of a rush.

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New Learning Experience

Yesterday or day before Kate had mentioned that she would like to go shopping for clothes. I told her this morning that we could do that after lunch. As it turned out, this morning Kate had a hang nail that she asked me to clip. When I did, I noticed that her nails had gotten longer. I knew that it had been a long time since she had been to have her nails done; so I suggested we do that. She was pleased. This is one of those times I could kick myself for not thinking of this sooner. In the past year or so I had mentioned having her nails done, but she wasn’t interested because she was wearing her nails down from working outside. For the past 2-3 months, however, she has done that much less frequently and for shorter time periods. At any rate, we went to lunch at Panera and then walked a few doors down to the nails shop where I left her to have a manicure and a pedicure. When I picked her up an hour later, she was so pleased to have had her nails done. I only wish I had thought about it earlier. I suggested that we do this regularly from now on. She agreed and said she was going to suggest that herself.

From there we went to Belk’s for slacks, hose, and bras. I thought it was a great idea to be looking for slacks at Belk because it would be much less expensive than the shop where we usually go. I helped pick out some slacks for her to try on, 1 khaki, 1 brown, and 1 black. She went into the dressing room and came out wearing the khakis. While she was in the room, I got another style of khaki and brown slacks for her to try on. When she went back to the room in which she had changed, the door was locked. She tried two other doors, and they were locked. She couldn’t remember which room she had been in. For the time being she went into another room with the new khakis I had brought to her. She came out in a few minutes wearing the same slacks that she was wearing when she went in. She didn’t realize it. When I told her, she said, “Well, where are the other ones?” I went into the room and found them hanging over the top of the partition separating her room from the one beside it. I took them to her for her to change into.

She liked the ones she had just tried on better than the first ones, and we decided on 3 pair of slacks to buy. Then all we had to do was get a sales person to let her into the room in which she originally put on the first pair of slacks so that she could change into the slacks she had been wearing when we arrived. When the sales person opened the first door, Kate saw the clothes she had left. She wanted me to come in the room with her. Then I started to leave because I didn’t think she meant for me to remain with her. She stopped me and asked me to stay with her which I did. She was confused about which slacks were the ones she already owned vs. the ones that she had tried on. I told her which ones were hers, and she put them on.

From that department we went to the lingerie departmentto buy bras. I remembered her size from our most recent trip to Belk about 3 weeks ago. She readily accepted my lead in this process. I picked out a bra that was like the 2 we had bought before. She liked it. I got two. She also wanted a black bra; so I went through the selection to find the right size. Then we went to buy hose. Once again, she let me take the lead. I found her size. The only thing she did was tell me the colors, black and a flesh color. I got 2 blacks and 3 flesh. At the end, she felt good about our purchases and thanked me. I felt good as well. I felt good as well for two reasons. I was glad it had been a good experience. In addition, we bought 3 pair of slacks for half the price we have been paying at her regular shop. I recognize that the ones we bought today are not of the same quality, but for her everyday needs these will be just fine.

So I am getting more experience shopping for women’s clothes. I felt a little self-conscious being in the fitting room with her, but it worked out all right. I know this may happen again. I might as well get used to it.

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Today It Was Hard to Get Going

This morning Kate was still sleeping/resting in bed when I reminded her that this is the morning of our monthly Y breakfast. She seemed very groggy. I told her she did not need to go, but she got up. In a few minutes the called for me. When I got to her, she said, “I don’t have anything to wear.” I gave her 2 pair of black slacks which she immediately took to her room. In a minute or two she came into the kitchen and asked if we were going somewhere this morning. I told her we were going to the Y breakfast. She again said she didn’t have anything to wear. I told her I had given her 2 pair of slacks. She asked where they were. I told her I had given them to her. She got into our bed and said they were probably on the bed in her bedroom. I checked. That is where they were. I gave them to her. In a few minutes, she came back and asked where we were going. I told her again. She told me she thought she would stay home. I told her that would be fine. I reminded her that our housekeeper would be coming around 8:30 and that the Robinsons would be here around 11:15. She groaned and got into the bed again. She asked what she could wear. I told her she had the 2 pair of slacks I have given her and I also had a pair of cream colored slacks we had recently bought. She asked that I put them on a chair in our bedroom.

8:25 pm

When I got home from breakfast she was still in bed. About an hour before the Robinsons were scheduled to arrive, I told her it was time to get up. She asked what she could wear. I got the cream colored slacks and gave them along with a top she had worn for the first time yesterday although we had bought it a year or so ago. It was nice one and still had the tags. When she came out dressed she wasn’t wearing the top I had given her. She couldn’t remember that I had given it to her or where she had put it and asked me to find it. I did so. What disturbed me most about all of this was how upset Kate had gotten. She was just so confused and could see it herself or she wouldn’t have asked for my help with her clothes. What I sense is that when she looks at her clothes, she just sees a lot of “stuff.” Nothing specific jump out at her. It is overwhelming, and she doesn’t know what to do. It is so very sad. I am always hurt to see her like this, and it is getting worse. Clothes have been a central issue for us from way back, but now it is continually leading to greater frustration for her and for me.

As it turned out, the day went well. I haven’t had a chance to communicate with the Robinsons since they left, but I suspect they did not see much if any difference in Kate from the last time we were together. We had a good lunch and good conversation at the restaurant and at home. The day ended beautifully. We had dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. When we got home, I asked her if she would like to watch one episode of a BBC series I had recorded. She said she would rather relax, got her iPad, and sat in the family room working puzzles until a few minutes ago.

I can’t remember if I reported that I found her computer late Saturday. I had been considering buying her a new one but decided to make a more thorough search of the house before doing so. I found it in a corner of her room behind a table with the printer on it. I have a hard time believing she had put it there. I think Libby must have done that 2-3 weeks ago. I had thought Kate was simply losing interest in the computer (that may be correct) but now I am wondering if she just didn’t know where it was. I charged it and put it where she would see it. I wanted to see if she had remembered it was missing because she was very disturbed that she might have left it at Panera’s. I haven’t seen her using it since she has had it back. It may be that she is losing interest in it meaning that it is becoming more difficult for her to use.

From my standpoint the big issue we are facing is Kate and her clothes. She is turning to me to help when she can’t find anything to wear, but it is hard to prevent the problem. I knew this was coming, but it is a little sooner than I thought it would be.

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The Rest of the Story

I cut off my previous entry because Kate said, “I want to go home now.” I asked why, and she told me to get a bra. We closed down our iPads and went home. We didn’t have much time as we were supposed to meet our friends for lunch in 20 minutes. We looked all around her room/office and did not find either of the bras we had purchased 7-10 days ago; however, I found an old one on the floor near her bed. I gave it to her, and we left.

Now back to the theme of the previous entry at 10:58 this morning. The potential breakthrough came when I told Kate (while at Panera) I would like to help her with her clothes if she would let me.” She nodded that she would. I told her we could start this afternoon. If she can remember this, we may be able to take a giant step toward being better organized with her clothes. I recognize, however, that this is a big “if.”

We had a very good time with our friend. When we got home from lunch, it was almost 2:30. I came inside while Kate remained outside. She stayed out there until shortly after 3:30. While she was pruning, I went back to her room to organize her clothes that were strewn all around the room. I sorted them into slacks that fit her, those that don’t, and those about which I am unsure. I also put all her tops together and put them on the bed in the guest room. I also tried to sort socks but wasn’t very successful. Most of them were single socks and not pairs of socks. These remain on her bed at the moment. I don’t believe Kate has been in her room yet, at least she hasn’t said anything about its being cleaned up. I believe it is possible that she won’t notice at all. I’ll give her a chance to notice before I say anything.

My next task is to buy some new socks, bras, and nightgowns. Last night she slept in a pair of slacks and a top.

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Clothes Are Often a Challenge

I am writing this from Panera. About 10:00 Kate said, “Let’s go to Panera.” Fortunately, I had just finished labeling a set of photos I had scanned yesterday. It was a good time to take a break. I could tell she was eager to go. I went back to our bathroom and noticed that she had not taken her medicine. I got the pills and went back to the kitchen. In addition, she had not combed her hair at all. I mentioned that we would be going directly to meet friends for lunch. She had forgotten and wasn’t dressed the way she would have wanted. She was wearing her old, dirty yellow sweater. I asked if she didn’t have another one she could wear. She told me to go find one. I looked for the one I had recently bought her to replace the one she always wears. I looked but didn’t find it. I brought her leather jacket to her. It is also soiled. She didn’t want to wear that. Ultimately, she wore the yellow one.

About 10 minutes ago, she asked, “Are we going to Belk’s when we leave here?” I told her we were going to meet our friends and asked what she needed. She said she wanted to buy a bra. I asked her about the two that we had bought last week. She didn’t remember and didn’t know where they are. Thus she is not wearing a bra.

She was quite frustrated as we were leaving the house. I took this as a sign of frustration with herself over her inability to keep up with “things” (clothes, iPad, etc.). To be continued.

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A Day That Ended Well

This morning I felt like we were headed for an unpleasant day. That was probably reflected in my first post of the day. The second was more upbeat. I am glad to report that it ended well. How do I account for it? Staying busy. We were out of the house a good bit of the day. We didn’t get to Panera until 11:15. We finished lunch close to 1:30. From there we drove to a senior living facility to visit one of my Sunday school class members. Her daughter. from Atlanta was visiting with her which made for a pleasant time. My class member has gone down since I last saw her. She is in the dementia unit and clearly showed that she is in the right place. She seemed to know us, but she was quite confused. Every time I asked a question, she gave a strange answer.

When we left, we went to Belk’s to get Kate some shoes. We also got her some new hose. She looked for a summer sweater, something that she could wear into a restaurant to protect her from the air conditioning, but did not find anything. From there we came home for a short break. I turned on some music. We both got something to drink, water for me, Dr. Pepper for her. We sat together in the family room and chatted for about 30 minutes. Then we went looking for a sweater but no luck. It was 5:15; so we decided to have an early dinner and went to Naples. We both enjoyed the meal and our time together. When we got home, she asked me to leave the garage door open, and she would stay outside a while. She remained there about an hour. I came inside, put on some music, and started copying a few CDs to my computer from which I will transfer them to my phone. Kate came in a short time ago. When she got out of the shower, she asked me if I were going to bring something in for dinner. I told her we had already eaten.Then she remembered.

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Saying the Wrong Thing

This morning I washed my clothes and took them out of the dryer about 10 minutes before I had to leave for Sunday school. I folded and put away my underwear and socks but left the rest (not very much) on our bed. I almost always wash my things separate from Kate’s because so often she has gotten my clothes and worn them. This is an easy way to retrieve them. That has been a special problem with my socks and t-shirts. She wears the t-shirts when she is working in the yard, and they get so dirty that they don’t come clean during washing. Being something of a “Neatnik,” I don’t like to wear them to the Y. Before I started doing my own washing, I had to buy extra t-shirts, but that didn’t help. Invariably she would get them. I now have only a few shirts that I can wear to the Y.

When I got back from church, I noticed that she had folded several pair of socks and underwear that I had missed before leaving. This afternoon as I was watching football, she worked in the yard. Kevin called, and I went out to the yard to get Kate. I noticed that she was wearing one of the two of the t-shirts that had been in the wash. When I got off the phone with Kevin, I looked in my closet where I keep them and found that she had not put the other nicer t-shirt in there. About 15 minutes ago, I went out to check on her. I mentioned that I had noticed that she was wearing my shirt. She immediately reacted with sorrow. I told her it was all right. I just wanted to make sure that I got the other shirt. She was so hurt that I didn’t follow up on it. This is the kind of thing I try to prevent from happening. I don’t want to hurt her. On the other hand, I do want my shirt. I think I will try buying new shirts and just work hard to wash them and put them up before she can see them.

8:50 pm

About an hour later, I was getting my clothes ready for tomorrow and noticed that I needed to get that t-shirt back from Kate. Then I went to get out my socks and noticed that the three pair of socks that had been in the wash were nowhere to be found. I went to Kate to ask. Once again she had a mild emotional reaction as though she were going into a panic attack. She had no idea where they were and didn’t recall having seen them. I looked on her bed in her office and found them. I found the t-shirt on the bed in the large guest room. I will continue to try not to put her in this position, but I fear these things will only increase.

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Some Changes

I was just about to write a post that would say that a number of things have happened over the past few days that make me think Kate is making a shift downward. The first sign is that she has seemed depressed and not as upbeat. The other is confusion which I have mentioned in an earlier post today.

Just before I started I heard her call me. She wanted me to come to her office. When I got there, she said she wanted me to see her closet. Her bed had no clothing on it, nor was there any on the floor. Her closet looked beautifully organized. She thanked me. When I asked why she was thanking me, that I hadn’t done a thing. She said, “You bought me the hangers.” For over a year she has periodically asked me for more wooden hangers. Each time we have gone by Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Each time I think this is the end. Then a while later she says she wants more. I am surprised she attributed her success to me. This is something she has done on her own. She said, “I feel so much better. I can’t tell you how much better I feel.” I reinforced how much better her room looked and that I know she must feel better. This is not the first time she has cleaned up, but it never lasts too long. I am wondering if in her depression of the past few days, she hasn’t directed her attention to cleaning up which made her feel better. Whatever it is, I am grateful. It makes her feel a lot better. It makes me feel better as well.

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Sad Moment

Yesterday morning shortly after I told Kate it was time to get ready for church, she came to me with an outfit and asked, “Is this all right?” This seems a simple enough question, but viewed in context, it is another sign of her decline. She has been and continues to want to be very independent. She often shows signs of resentment when I make suggestions about what she should wear. She does, periodically, ask my opinion. In this particular instance there was something about the way she asked the question that hit me. It sounded very childlike as though she had no idea of what to wear. I think the fact that she was preparing to dress for church which is such a routine event adds to my sense that she is changing.

As a caregiver, I have to be very sensitive about what to say, when to intervene, when to let her make her own decisions even when I know it may be different from what I believe is appropriate. I am trying very hard to minimize her boredom now. I am spending less time at the office so that I can be with her more. That permits such things as simply coming over to Panera Bread where we are right now. Here is an example.

Today I have a foundation lunch meeting that starts at 11:30. That means I need to get her lunch somewhat earlier than I would do typically when my Rotary club meets at 12:30. For that reason I decided to come home directly from my workout at the Y and take her to Panera where we could both work on our iPads and then get her lunch. Knowing that she often goes outside to work in the yard and that if she did this, we wouldn’t have much time together before I have to leave, I called from the Y to remind her that we were going to Panera. She had forgotten. When I got home, she was waiting in the driveway near the street. When she got in the car, she said, “I didn’t keep you waiting.” This led to a few comments related to her saying that I didn’t give her credit for anything. She then gave me commands as to how to get to Panera’s. She was mimicking the way I do with her. My point in telling the story is that I had simply tried to do something nice for her, but she hadn’t recognized that and, in fact, seemed a little put out with me.

During our time here, she said, “The Olive Tree. That is the name of the restaurant where we ate on Saturday with the Harringtons. She had asked me several times but couldn’t remember the name. Then she said, “Katherine.” That is Mark’s wife. That led to her repeating our address, my cell phone number, as well as the names of several high school friends. She was demonstrating that she still remembers things. This is another sign of her own recognition that she is getting more forgetful and is working hard to compensate (remember). That makes me sad too.