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A Surprising Positive (?) Change

Much earlier in Kate’s journey, I commented on the fact that she didn’t ever put up her clothes. I have pictures showing clothes stacked on the bed in her office, on the floor, and in two of the guest rooms. This continued for a very long time. I am glad to report that she is considerably better about hanging up her clothes now than in the past. That doesn’t usually happen at night when she changes into her night clothes. At that particular time, she almost always throws her clothes on the floor or the chair beside the bed along with her shoes and socks. Sometimes she picks them up in the morning or later in the day. Other times I get to them first. Over the past two-three years, I have made a point to try to pick up her clothes wherever I find them and put them back in her closet. But I don’t want to take away from the fact that she is actually working hard to keep things straight.

I don’t really know how to account for the change. I consider it positive for two reasons. One is that it makes it a lot easier for both of us to find the clothes she wants to wear. Secondly, I think it is good for her to have a responsibility, something to do besides working jigsaw puzzles and pulling leaves. On the negative side, I also imagine that she is struggling to fight the more natural tendencies of her Alzheimer’s. I see it in moments when she tries to figure out how to put on a night gown or a top. On occasion, I offer my help. She almost always turns me down. These are among those moments when I feel so sad for her. I know it takes an effort for me to face a losing battle trying to prevent or solve problems she has. I can’t imagine how it feels to have them myself.

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Frustration and Boredom

My follow up to yesterday is only to say that it things didn’t get better for the second day in a row. As always, I try to figure out why when things are not going well. Sometimes I have a clearer idea than others. Often I’m just not sure. Yesterday, for example, she seemed to start out with a less cheerful demeanor. That was even before any particular event occurred that might have brought her down.

That was different once we got to Panera where she was working on her jigsaw puzzles. Repeatedly she kept hitting something that took her out of her puzzle. That particular screen has a “Back” arrow in the top left-hand corner, but she doesn’t see it. I just hit it, and she is back to the puzzle. Other times, it is a little more difficult, and I just hit the “Home” button on the iPad. That takes me to the screen with all the app icons. I select the one she had been working on (if I can remember it), select it, and give it back to her. As noted in the past, she never asks for my help. She just closes the iPad, puts it on the table, and looks frustrated.

To make matters worse, we had a rainy day. That meant that she couldn’t work in the yard. Since her two main activities were not available, she spent more time in bed. I tried to interest her in a movie, but she didn’t want to go at least to the one that I thought might be the best possibility for her.

We went to our regular place for pizza. When we returned, I put on a Katherine Hepburn movie. She seemed eager to watch. A few minutes into it, she said she was sleepy and got into bed fully clothed. She didn’t get up until this morning. She seems normal this morning. That means she isn’t in a bad mood although we got off to a rough start when she had dressed in some clothes that I didn’t think she would have wanted to wear since we are driving to Nashville to have lunch with our friends Tom and Angie Robinson. This was one of those times I put clothes on the bed for her. I took her to the room and left her to put them on.

When she came out she was wearing the same thing she had been wearing. That happened two times before we got it right. You might think the easy answer is for me to stay with her while she dresses; however, she doesn’t like for me to do that. She feels she doesn’t need my help.

We are now at Panera before driving to Nashville. On the way here, I decided to tell her that today is my birthday. (Jesse had sent me a text and plans to call while we are on the way to Nashville. I didn’t want Kate to learn about my birthday that way because I feared that she might feel bad for not remembering.) I said, “Today is my birthday. I am 77. Did you ever think you would be married to someone that old?” She said, “I was just thinking that.” That is all she said. No surprise. No emotion. It doesn’t make me sad for me, but for her.

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Back Home

We arrived home again at 8:15 last night. All-in-all the Christmas visit had gone well. Kate seems to have enjoyed herself.

I spent about an hour checking email, unpacking and taking a shower before settling in to watch a Cowboys game on TV. I hadn’t seen Kate seen we got back and went to look for her. I found her in bed in the middle guest room working puzzles on her iPad. I asked if she were planning to come to bed. She said, “I thought you wanted me in here.” I may not have mentioned it before, but this is not the first time this has happened. This was the first time in a long time though.

On the trip home after a stop for lunch, Kate said, “I know I’ve said this before, but I am really excited about moving to Texas.” I said, “Yes, you have mentioned that before, and I know you are excited even though it will be a long time.” Neither of us said anything more. Jesse told me that she had mentioned moving to Texas in addition to the time she said something on a previous trip to Memphis. I moved behind Kate and shook my head to indicate this wasn’t so. They didn’t dispute or feed this conversation.

This morning was our monthly Y breakfast. I didn’t wake up until 7:06. I got up right away and reminded Kate. She initially said she wanted to go and got up to go to the bathroom. She came back into the bedroom and got in the bed. Then she told me to go on ahead without her which I did.

Sometime after getting home from the breakfast, I checked to see if she were up. She was. I noticed two pair of her black slacks thrown on my side of the bed. Then I found another pair on the floor beside the toilet in the middle bathroom. When I found her, she was wearing a pair of black slacks. I just hung up the slacks I found.

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From Asheville

Shortly after my previous post, Kate came into the kitchen dressed in the same clothes she had worn yesterday and slept in last night. I told her that I planned for us to go to Panera at 9:00 to get her a muffin and from there to Asheville. She went to the back of the house. I thought she had gone to get ready. About 8:40, I went back to check on her and found her in the bed in our bedroom working on her iPad. I reminded her we were leaving. She got up. I had already gotten some slacks out for her to wear. I gave her a couple of options on a top. Then we went to Panera. She seemed in a good humor though she didn’t talk very much. We spoke very little in the car on the way here. We went to lunch at The Blackbird, and we both had good meals. She seemed to perk up.

We had not been able to get into a room before lunch. It wasn’t too long after lunch that one was available. She is happy and resting in the bed right now as I work on my iPad. I am looking forward to a good dinner tonight and a good performance of A Chorus Line.

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Progress on the clothes front

As I have so often mentioned, one of my biggest challenges has involved Kate’s clothes. Recently, she has been more willing to accept my help in selecting clothes as well as my asking her to change when I think what she has selected/put on is not appropriate for the occasion. I have two examples from this morning. She met me in the family room dressed in a shirt that she wears to work in the yard and a nice pair of slacks. I suggested that the slacks were too nice for the yard. She went back to change. I went with her and found an appropriate pair for the yard. I told her I was ready to take her to Lowe’s anytime she wanted. We came back from Lowe’s about 10:30 and decided to take an early lunch. She was dressed in her yard clothes. (I thought she was not even well-dressed for Lowe’s, but I let this go.) She came in and took a shower, then changed clothes. When she was ready to go, she was wearing an old matching sweatshirt and pants. Obviously not summer attire (the high today is supposed to reach 97). They didn’t look much better than what she had on previously. I reminded her that we were going to lunch. I would have been surprised if she had remembered. I told her we should look for something else to wear. I went to our bathroom where she had hung a top before we went to Texas. Then I found the pair of slacks I had asked her not to wear in the yard. I gave them to her. She said, “This is what you want me to wear?” I said yes. She said, “Gotcha.” This is a real achievement. She offered no complaints or resisted in any way. This is progress for me, but I know this is a step back for her. I wish it could be otherwise.

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What Happened Next

I just came back from Kate’s room/office. She had been cleaning up. There were no clothes on the bed, and most of the clothes on the floor were gone. I said something about her cleaning up. She acknowledged it and continued her work. I decided to let her continue because she seemed content. I believed she was not going to be as interested in watching one of our recorded programs. I am now going to put the chairs back and plan to listen to some music after taking a shower.

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From Nashville

Kate and I are on our way to Memphis tomorrow to visit with our daughter, Jesse, and her two boys. We arrived at our hotel room in Nashville about twenty-five minutes ago and are settled in our room. She is resting right now. As soon as she is ready, we will go over to the mall where I would like for us to look for some tops to go with various color slacks. I would also like to get her a couple of pairs of khakis for everyday wear. Clothing continues to be an issue although we are making progress. She is getting more accepting of my help. That only occurs when she just can’t find something. She almost always likes to try on her own first, but it is getting harder and harder for her. The problem is twofold. First, she can’t remember where she put her clothes. When she looks, her eyes have difficulty seeing them. It is the brain and not the eyes that is the source of the problem.

This morning about an hour or 90 minutes before the time I wanted to leave she was wearing a pair of khaki slacks that are too baggy for her around the legs. They fit fine in the waist, but they make her look heavier than she is. There were cheap slacks that I got her a month ago for ordinary daytime wear. She was also wearing her yellow sweater that is very soiled and stretched around the cuffs of her sleeves. Unfortunately, it is her favorite sweater. Even she told me early this week that it needed to be replaced. I have bought two sweaters to replace this one in the last 6 months. I don’t know where the first one went. I bought the second one, and Kate still gravitates to the old yellow one.

At any rate, I told her I would like for her to wear something else for the trip since we were going shopping and then to eat dinner in a nice restaurant. She asked what I would like her to wear. I asked her if she would like to wear black or brown slacks with the top she was wearing. She said brown. I went to my closet where I keep several pair of slacks and picked out a brown pair. I took it to her and then picked out what I thought would be a better top. I left her to dress while I finished packing.

After twenty to thirty minutes, she walked in wearing the identical things she was wearing before. I said, “You’re not wearing the clothes I picked out.” She asked, “Where are they?” I told her I didn’t know, that I had given them to her. Then I went back to her room to find them. I couldn’t find them anyplace. I finally went back to my closet and picked out a pair of black slacks, and she wore the same top she had on.

I asked if she had packed her suitcase. She didn’t remember. I opened it and found nothing in it. I left her to pack it. On Wednesday afternoon I bought three tops at one of her regular stores and packed them in my suitcase. I also packed underwear, a bra, and a couple of pair of slacks in case she didn’t remember everything she needed. I always have a toothbrush and toiletries she is likely to need except for makeup which she doesn’t regularly use.

Something else happened before we left. She came into the family room with her hands filled with small pictures in picture frames. She asked, “Should I take these with us?” I was puzzled and went over to see what she had. She told me, “I don’t want the children to break them.” I told her we were going to the boys and it was best to leave them here. Apparently, she thought I had told her somebody with children was coming to our house. I am seeing more signs of this type of confusion.

When we left the house, we went to lunch. She showed no signs of being perturbed. We had a nice lunch. The drive was a long one, but we were comfortable. I was not anxious as we had no particular deadline to be in Nashville.

A Little Latere

We just ran over to the mall and bought five tops and two pair of khaki slacks for Kate. We are both pleased with the selections. I am particularly happy that the total dollars spent was less than I expected.time. We bought a pair of slacks that are a size 16. I have been suspecting that some of the 14s we have been purchasing were a little too small.

We are leaving for dinner in about 15 minutes. It should be a good evening.

8:38 pm

Nice dinner, ready to relax

We had a terrific dinner. It turned out that the restaurant at which we ate was not the one I had intended. The good news is that it was very good. We are now back in the room. The TV is on to a Whoopi Goldberg movie. I think it may be Sister Act I or II.

Karw is discovering that there are many things she neglected to pack for which I did not cover her. She has no sleeping attire, no toiletries, no bra, and no night guard. This reinforces my decision to cancel our trip to Europe. I need to cover too many things for her. It is a challenge for me to remember all of my things as well as hers.

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From Nashville

Kate and I are going to Memphis tomorrow to visit with our daughter, Jesse, and her two boys. We arrived at our hotel room in Nashville about 25 minutes ago and are settled in our room. Kate is resting right now. As soon as she is ready, we will go over to the mall where I would like for us to look for some tops to go with various color slacks. I would also like to get her a couple of pairs of khakis for everyday wear. Clothing continues to be an issue although we are making progress. She is getting more accepting of my help. That ony occurs when she just can’t find something. She almost always likes to try on here own first, but it is getting harder and harder for her. The problem is twofold. First, she can’t remember where she put her clothes. When she looks, her eyes have difficulty seeing them. It is the brain and not the eyes that is the source of the problem.

This morning about an hour or 90 minutes before we the time I wanted to leave she was wearing a pair of khaki slacks that are too baggy for her around the legs. They fit fine in the waist, but they make her look heavier than she is. There were cheap slacks that I got her a month ago for ordinary daytime wear. She was also wearing her yellow sweater that is very soiled and stretched around the cuffs of her sleeves. Unfortunately, it is her favorite sweater. Even she told me early this week that it needed to be replaced. I have bought two sweaters to replace this one in the last 6 months. I don’t know where the first one went. I bought the second one, and Kate still gravitates to the old yellow one.

At any rate, I told her I would like for her to wear something else for the trip since we were going shopping and then to eat dinner in a nice restaurant. She asked what I would like her to wear. I asked her if she would like to wear black or brown slacks with the top she was wearing. She said brown. I went to my closet where I keep several pair of slacks and picked out a brown pair. I took it to her and then picked out what I thought would be a better top. I left her to dress while I finished packing.

After 20-30 minutes, she walked in wearing the identical things she was wearing before. I said, “You’re not wearing the clothes I picked out.” She asked, “Where are they?” I told her I didn’t know, that I had given them to her. Then I went back to her room to find them. I couldn’t find them anyplace. I finally went back to my closet and picked out a pair of black slacks, and she wore the same top she had on.

I asked if she had packed her suitcase. She didn’t remember. I opened it and found nothing in it. I left her to pack it. On Wednesday afternoon I bought 3 tops at one of her regular stores and packed them in my suitcase. I also packed underwear, a bra, and a couple of pair of slacks in case she didn’t remember everything she needed. I always have a toothbrush and toiletries she is likely to need except for make up which she doesn’t regularly use
Something else happened before we left. She came into the family room with her hands filled with small pictures in picture frames. She asked, “Should I take these with us?” I was puzzled and went over to see what she had. She told me, “I don’t want the children to break them.” I told her we were going to the boys and it was best to leave them here. Apparently, she thought I had told her somebody with children was coming to our house. I am seeing more signs of this type of confusion.

When we left the house, we went to Henry’s for lunch. She showed no signs of being perturbed. We had a nice lunch. The drive was a long one, but we were comfortable. I was not anxious as we had no particular deadline to be in Nashville.

5:23 pm
We just ran over to the mall and bought 5 tops and 2 pair of khaki slacks for Kate. We are both pleased with the selections. I am particularly happy that the total dollars spent was only $271. We would have spent more than that at her regular shops. For the first time, we bought a pair of slacks that are a size 16. I have been suspecting that some of the 14s we have been purchasing were a little too small.

8:38 pm
We had a terrific dinner. It turned out that the restaurant at which we ate was not the one I had intended. The good news is that it was very good. We are now back in the room. The TV is on to a Whoopi Goldberg movie. I think it may be Sister Act I or II.

Kate is discovering that there are many things she neglected to pack and that I did not cover her on. She has no sleeping attire, no toiletries, no bra, and no night guard. This reinforces my decision to cancel our trip to Europe. I need to cover too many things for her. It is a challenge for me to remember all of my things as well as hers.

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Where does the time go?

I meant to check in before now and was surprised to see that my last entry was a week ago tomorrow. It has been a pretty busy week and a good one. Let’s see if I can hit the highlights. On Monday we went to see a neurologist, Kate’s regular doctor had made the referral after I had expressed interest in getting an opinion of a neurologist. As I have expressed earlier I hadn’t felt a special need for a neurologist until recently.

I liked the doctor, but I still feel unsure of our present need for him. He said that Kate was already taking the appropriate medication for someone with Alzheimer’s. I also was honest with him about my being unsure we needed him. He understood. We decided to start with an MRI so that he can see get a better grasp of her condition. He asked a lot of questions of Kate and of me to understand as much as he can, but I fully expected that he would want to avail himself of more diagnostic technology. Yesterday afternoon, we went in for the MRI. I suspect the results will be sent to the doctor early this week.

On Monday night we went to our music club meeting. Several voice students at UT provided the music for the evening. They were outstanding. Kate loved it. Two of the singers were people we had heard at Casa Bella.

On Tuesday we had lunch with an old TCU friend and housemate of mine who lives in Nashville. We have seen him on a couple of occasions when we have been in the area. This was another good experience for Kate and me.

For some reason I got all mixed up on Wednesday. That is the day for us to attend the Shepherd’s Center. I forgot and went to the Y as has been my custom. When I got home Kate was working in the yard. We have been to Lowe’s for plants three days this week; so she has been back in the yard. That, too, is good for Kate. I am happy she has this. We headed out to lunch about 11:30. When we had almost reached the restaurant, I remembered the Shepherd’s Center and that I had signed up for lunch. It was a little early and we had already missed our classes. Knowing Kate was hungry, I took her back to Panera’s for a muffin. From there we attended the lunch.

Thursday I had a morning meeting at United Way, a lunch meeting at church, and an evening reception and auction for the foundation. I felt bad about being away from Kate so much, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. A funny thing happened when I got home that night. I arrived home early, about 8:20. She was sitting in the family room with the TV on and working on her iPad. She said she had been sleepy but had stayed up. Remembering that on one other occasion, she had stayed up because she thought I had asked her to do so, I asked, “Did you stay up because I told you to?” She said, Yes. You told me not to go to bed until you got home.” Very shortly thereafter, she went to bed. She wanted me to come to bed as well, but it was too early for me. I delayed a little. At one point, she was disgruntled because I was taking so long. She said, “I think I’ll go back to Fort Worth and marry Rick Wainwright, (pause) but he’s dead.” Rick was her high school sweetheart. She didn’t sound irritated with me as she said it. She was just needling me.

That makes me think about humor in our relationship. It has become a regular part of our daily conversations. She likes to kid me about being vague in just about everything I say (or so it often seems to me). I have to be very clear, or she won’t follow me. It often happens when we are talking about someone or some event or place. I will make a follow-up statement like, “I haven’t seen her in a while,” or “I wonder who’ll be there?” Most people would understand that I was referring to the person or the event we were just talking about, but she usually doesn’t. I will then say, “I guess I wasn’t as clear as I could be.” She will roll her eyes. Then I say, “I will be clear next time.” She will say one of several different things. “We’ll see,” or “You’ll never learn.”

I can’t think of other examples at the moment, but we have a lot of interplay like this in which she is criticizing me for not remember or doing the right thing. By the way, she is often correct. I believe that it is because so much of her behavior is normal it elicits a normal response from me. In time it may get easier though I am not sure.

On a completely different note, I continue to observe that she is depending on me more for things that not long ago she would not have done. The examples I can think of involve clothes. When we get ready to go someplace, especially if it requires her to look nice, she asks, “What will (or can) I wear?” Then I will show her. I try to give her a choice of 1-3 things. I have learned why she has gravitated to wearing my socks. She has forgotten where she keeps her own. Now she just says, “I need some socks.” I go to her drawer and get them. Another example occurred this week when I took her to Target to buy some clothes for her to wear when she is working in the yard. She was quite comfortable with my picking out things for her to try on. After the first pair of pants did not fit, I brought her several others until we got the right size. What I did was move from the women’s to the men’s department. I got her 4 pair of slacks with a 40″ waist. I didn’t tell her. She would be horrified as she was at the neurologist’s office on Monday when she weighed in at 171. She had forgotten that she had been at 174 at her last appointment Dr. Reasoner.

The last point I will make today will be short. We have had a good week, one that had followed a couple of good weeks before. I feel good about this as I was very discouraged after our cruise in January. I thought our good times might be over. She is more dependent now and that saddens me; however, we can still have fun together.

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Nice Weekend

Although I may have thought and given the impression that all of our good days are behind us, I am happy to report that “it isn’t so.” The past few days including the weekend were very nice days for us. I’m not entirely sure what has made the difference. One thing that has been different during the past week is a new approach to clothing for Kate. First of all, we bought 3 new pair of slacks for Kate about 10 days ago. I have tried to keep them in my closet after she has worn them. I have also identified several other pairs of slacks that fit her and brought them to my closet as well. At the same time, and I think I have mentioned this is previous posts, she has asked for my help in finding the right clothes. That has led me to pick out clothes for her on several days. I would get a pair of slacks from my closet and find a top to match and put them on the bed in her room/office. At least two times this hasn’t worked because she didn’t realize/remember that I had put them there for her to wear. I have learned to be more direct in choosing the clothes and telling her at an appropriate time what and where they are. It has to be done at the moment she is ready to get dressed. The best news for me is that she has accepted my doing this. This morning she accepted the slacks I got for her to wear to Panera where we are passing some time right now, but she said, “I’ll pick out the top.” It is still discouraging to see her relinquish some of her independence, but it makes things a lot easier. She is getting less picky about what she wears; so that also makes it easier for me.

One other thing I am starting to do is identify clothes that need cleaning. Every Tuesday morning a driver from our cleaners stops by the house to pick up my shirts etc. I am going to include some of her things each week. I think that will help in terms of keeping her clothes looking nicer.

Although her favorite clothing store has been very helpful in the selection of new clothes for Kate, they are an upscale (i.e., expensive) shop. What she needs now for the most part is everyday casual wear. I think we will go to J Crew this afternoon and buy 3 or 4 pair of slacks and several tops to go with them. Then I think we (I?) will clean out the closet in her room and use it or a section of it for the everyday clothes. That should help both of us. I am not naïve. I realize that she can’t remember everything, but this will make it less confusing for her.

I continue to keep her as active as possible. She does not go to church with me anymore. That stopped just before Christmas. It is just too much for both of us to get ready for me to meet my Sunday school class. I come home right after class, and we go to lunch. Yesterday we went to a movie in the afternoon. She was able to rest at home after lunch and after the movie. We went to Opera Thursday at Casa Bella last week. We will be back there tonight for a special Italian dinner. In the past two weeks we have been to Nashville to visit the Greeleys, Ellen, and the Davises. She has seemed happier. I should also mention that she has spent a little more time in the yard which is a passion of hers. Oh, I almost forgot, we also joined the Shepherd’s Center. While we only went to one class last week, we will do more this Wednesday. We will also have lunch there. So all in all, things are not going badly even though her decline has not been arrested. As I have said before, we are grateful for what we have.