Posted on

Experiencing the Consequences of Fregetfulness

I continue to feel that Kate has been feeling the pain of losing her memory. A week ago today she had a PEO meeting. I am trying to drive Kate to places that might be confusing for her. That morning I got the address and wrote out directions from our house to the home of the woman hosting the meeting. I had a meeting that morning while she would be en route; so I told her I would stay in touch with my phone for any messages. When I didn’t hear from her, I thought everything was all right.

When we spoke on the phone later that afternoon, I asked if the directions had worked. She indicated that she didn’t want to talk about it. That evening she told me that the meeting had been changed to another member’s house. She had received an email the week before letting her know of the change but had forgotten. When I asked about her getting there, she told me that she hadn’t made it. I asked what happened, and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. I honored that request; so I still know only that she didn’t make it to the meeting and assumed that she was unable to find it. It is also quite possible that she got to the original place and then couldn’t reach anyone to tell her where the meeting was.

There are other examples of her forgetfulness, but I can’t remember them at the moment. Suffice it to say that she continues to be frustrated by her inability to remember things.

Posted on

“You Told Me That”

Just a brief comment today on something I have mentioned before; however, it seems so common now that I chuckle when it occurs. Frequently when I tell her something she says, “You told me that.” Of course, it is quite possible that sometimes she is correct. It happens so often and in instances when I know that it would be impossible for me to have told her because I just learned about it. It makes me wonder if she says this because she forgets so frequently the odds are that whatever I say is something she has forgotten. Another possibility is that it is something akin to a deja vu experience.

Posted on

Everyday Problems Associated with Alzheimer’s

The past week has been a full one. We celebrated Valentine’s Day by attending a concert by the Knoxville Symphony on Saturday night, the Symphony League’s Valentine’s Ball on Sunday night, lunch at Casa Bella on Valentine’s Day, and the UT Symphony that night. These were good times for both of us and serve to remind us how much we can continue to enjoy despite Kate’s Alzheimer’s looming over us. We continue to put a special emphasis on our relationship which seems more precious to us with every passing day.

On the downside, on Tuesday morning Kate took a walk around the neighborhood with one of our neighbors, Lucy Grayson. During that walk Lucy commented on another neighbor and her husband, Barry and Mary Jane Winters. Mary Jane also has Alzheimer’s which we have been aware for 2-3 years. Lucy indicated that she felt sorry for Mary Jane and then said, “I feel especially sorry for Barry.”

These are the kind of things that occur routinely, but they have a special meaning when you also are plagued with the disease. It makes me think once again that people need to be more careful about what they say.

Kate and I had lunch together and then she left in her car to run a couple of errands before returning home. I received a phone call from her a little later. She left a voice mail as I was in a meeting or phone call at the time. The message was a bit garbled but I could tell she had had an accident of some type. I sent her a text and asked if she were all right. She answered quickly that she was; so I called to find out what had happened. She told me she was pulling into a parking space and misjudged the distance to the car on her right and had knocked out her front headlight. When I got home that night I discovered that it had not only broken the right signal light but had also damaged the front fender, the right front passenger door, the right back door which will not open, and the right rear fender.

We sat down and had a glass of wine and discussed the events of the day. That is when she told me about Lucy’s comments that morning as well as how she was feeling about the accident. We didn’t say much. It was obvious to me that she was shaken by the experience. It is just one further sign of her inability to do anything right. I try to reassure her when these things happen, but we both know her situation is getting worse and affecting lots of things besides memory.

Last night at Kate’s suggestion we built a fire, had a glass of wine, and brought in Chinese for dinner. It was a good time for conversation. We find a lot of our conversation relate to things we are thankful for. I think this is our unconscious way of counterbalancing the trauma of the Alzheimer’s. It was a very nice evening. One of the things she said when we talked was that she had lied about something and wanted to explain. She went on to say that she had indicated on Tuesday night that she had not been bothered by Lucy’s comments, but the truth was that she had been bothered by the comment that Lucy felt even sorrier for Barry than for Mary Jane. She didn’t say this, but she doesn’t want to be a burden on me.

On a slightly different note, many decisions are influenced by Kate’s condition. For example, I have been planning to buy a new car next year and thought that I might even delay a little longer. My idea was that Kate may not be able to drive much longer and that I might trade in both cars when I buy a new one. This changed this week when I have significant repair bills on my car and have decided that I should buy a new car now. Kate asked me if I were planning to pass her car along to me. I told her I was not as it had so much more mileage than hers. I got to thinking later that she might have been thinking that her station wagon was getting to be too much for her and that she might do better with my car. Now I am beginning to wonder if getting her a smaller car might be an intermediate step. At the moment, I have decided against that.

Posted on

Beginning To Think About Our50th Anniversary

During this week Kate continues to feel some frustration over her AD. She has said “I am a disaster.” Also “I am a basket case.”

Our pastor called me on Thursday afternoon, and we had a lengthy conversation. He was calling related to a personnel matter (a replacement for our church organist) but also asked about Kate. I gave him a rundown on the situation which corresponds rather well with what I have written within these pages.

Last night Kate and I had a conversation related to our desire for travel in the years ahead. We also talked about our 50th wedding anniversary in 2013. Her priorities are to go to the Galapagos and New Zealand and then Russia. We also agreed that we would like to have a family celebration for our 50th. I am going to look into a beach house somewhere along the Gulf coast of Florida or Alabama. I didnt tell her, but I am especially interested in this experience in connection with her Alzheimer’s and decline. I can’t help wondering now if the children will know by then. I have to believe that if we spend a week together, they will have to suspect.

Posted on

Kate Is Discouraged

Last night Kate and I had a good but very saddening evening. When I got home from seeing Dad, I sensed that she was upset. She was working on our pictures from Vienna. She is making an album similar to the one she and her did for the her mother’s family. I asked her if she would like me to get us a glass of wine and go over what she had done so far. She accepted enthusiastically.

I got a glass of wine for each of us, and she continued working for a short time while I sat on the sofa for her to bring her computer to me. She started to express her frustration. She simply can’t remember names or events that she needs for the album. She had called me twice while I was with my dad to ask the names of two operas we had seen in Vienna. She was still having trouble with that and where we had seen them.

This led to a brief, but much a longer and honest, conversation on how she feels about her AD. She told me she wishes she would rather have cancer, a heart problem, or anything else but AD. She talked about the frustration she has about not being able to remember anything. She talked about her anger over my spending 2 hours a day with Dad when she needs me. We talked together about my spending more time with her. I told her that I had already been thinking that the change in our office arrangements might be a good time for me to spend less time at the office. She then mentioned the possibility of her coming to the office to be with me because she feels she needs to ask me so many things. She seems to feel lost when she is alone. At the same time she talked about her continuing ability to do things. She mentioned specifically that she often finally figures things out even if she struggles to do so.

I have said it before, but I now want to SHOUT it. People say that at least the person suffering from AD doesn’t know it. How wrong this is. Of course, in the much later stages that is certainly true. However, there are years before that when the person does know something is wrong even if the condition has not been officially diagnosed. In a recent conversation, she said, she wasn’t so sure now that she was glad to know.

At any rate, she can see herself declining. It is not just my own observation. Still, I don’t think many, or any, people other than I know her situation.

I continue to be sometimes feeling panic as I see that we are moving toward a time when our lives won’t be as idyllic as they have been. We still want to travel, share good times with friend, etc. I feel like that may be affected within the next year or two. I am going to have to work hard to plan things in order for us to do as much as possible. This comes at the same time that I have to worry about the future of my business and taking care of Dad.

Posted on

Where Are My Keys?

I suspect it may be clear from what I said last time that I am going through a sad time as I think about Kate’s decline and as I imagine where we will end up.

Today I made two presentations to a client group just outside Knoxville. As I was leaving, I got a phone call from Kate saying she was at Bojangles and couldn’t find the key to the car. I told her to sit tight and went to meet her with another key. When I got there I looked for the key and found it in the console. She didn’t remember putting it there, and I don’t think she had actually gotten out of the car. Thus, it would not have been hard to find for someone else, but with AD, a lot of things are difficult.

I hated to leave her, but when I got home, she said she had gotten along all right. She was having trouble with email, and I helped her. We went to dinner at Altruda’s, and she has gone to bed. I went to the bedroom and she said she had forgotten to take her evening medicine. I got it for her. After she had taken it, she said, “I’m glad you are back.” This is the kind of thing she could have said to me in An earlier time, but I think we both read more into it now.

Posted on

More Discouragement

Last night we had a nice evening – a fire, wine and cheese and olives, and good conversation. Kate indicated that she was discouraged over her decline. We both talked about making the most of the time we have together. We never talk in terms of specific amount of time, but I think she believes we have more time than I do.

This conversation was brought up by my showing her a video on Michael J. Fox and Family Ties and a song, “At this Moment.” I first heard this on the show and loved it but didn’t know the name. Periodically over the years I have thought about getting it. Yesterday I went to YouTube and found a part of the episode that included the song and then downloaded it from iTunes.

I put it and 24 other songs on a playlist on my iPhone and played them while we talked. The last song was a repeat of the first one I played, “At this Moment.” She had no recollection of the song when it was played again. Even though I had played it a couple of times and she indicated she liked it as well. That is when she said something about being discouraged.

Posted on

Stressful Times

We’ve had a couple of stressful weeks following our trip. We still have to finish up an irrigation leak in the front yard that we identified before leaving, Kate got a cold that has lasted until the last day or two, her computer went out, and we bought another, Dad’s heart rate dropped to 30 and he went to the Heart Hospital for a couple of days, business is off and I have been deciding whether or not to close entirely, we’ve had a buyer for our building and settled on a contract, etc.

Kate seems to have felt better this week although she was a little upset with herself this morning as she prepared to get ready for a PEO Founder’s Day luncheon. She couldn’t remember the exact time of the lunch and waited too late to find someone at home who could tell her. Then she lost a magnet for the back of her PEO pin. She found it but said, “”I’m a disaster.” At 12:06 she asked me what time it was. I told her. and she thought it was earlier; so it meant that she was late for what turned out to be a noon lunch. I drove her which reduced her stress and told her I would try to take her places whenever possible.

The good news is that selling the building will take a little financial pressure off of us. In addition, Megan figured up the committed projects and our part of the income. It turns out that we almost have everything covered for the year. All we need is another 4-5 average projects to get that; so it looks like we will make it another year. That’s good because we agreed to sign a one-year lease with the new owners of the building..

Posted on

One Year Since Diagnosis

One year ago today, we met with Dr. Reasoner to receive the news that Kate’s results showed she has AD. During that year I have noted apparent declines in her memory, sometimes not quite sure whether the changes were real or not because they can be so subtle and similar to what we all do. At this point, there is no doubt that she has declined in a perceptible way.

A week ago last night we got back from our trip to Africa (Tanzania) with OAT. It was a great trip that we both enjoyed far more than anticipated. On the other hand, I felt as though I had to be watching and helping her every step of the way. I am having to assume more and more responsibility for everything.

She continues to get along well in normal interactions with people. I don’t think anyone on the trip would suspect her condition. Neither do I think our children or close friends suspect. I do sometimes wonder about her best friend, because she and Kate have had so many opportunities to talk and socialize together.

The most distressing thing to me is that Kate is so frustrated over her inability to do many things that she would have been able to do before. In the last 2 days she has commented that it’s the little things that bother her the most. From my perspective that would include things like remembering how to charge her cell phone or how to deal with a technician on the help line. She has great difficulty following a set of instructions. They simply overwhelm her. In our personal conversations when she indicates a problem and I automatically try to explain, she stops me because she can’tunderstand.

The whole situation makes me recall times when I hear people say something like, “Well, at least she doesn’t know.” I heard this when my mother was in the early stages. Kate is keenly aware that her memory is declining. She sees how much of her time is spent looking for simple things like car keys, her purse, etc.

It has gotten so bad that I feel I can’t depend on her to do anything. I either have to do it myself, or follow her to see that it is done. While on the trip, she picked out a bag to bring back to Doris. We bought it along with a couple of other things. Then after eating lunch (this was in our lodge) she went back into the gift shop. I saw her looking at the bags again and asked what she was looking for. She told me she was looking for a bag for Doris. She had not remembered buying the first one only 45 minutes to an hour earlier.

She is clearly discouraged. She is not sleeping well. I am not sure, however, how much is a result of jet lag and how much is anxiety over her condition. I think it is some combination of both.

Over the past year, I have cited specific instances of her memory failure. I suspect I may do less of that as so much occurs that I can’t recall the instances without writing things down at the time, and I find that impossible.

We enjoyed the Africa trip so much and are looking at possible trips to New Zealand, the Galapagos, Russia, and China. I fear, however, that our travels may be heavily influenced by her condition. Right now, for example, I am thinking of taking an OAT trip to New Zealand next January (2013), but I wonder whether or not that will be a good idea. I do believe we could do a cruise, but half of the time is spent on the water. I will wait until later in the year to see how things are going.

I need to be honest about my own anxieties. This is a very trying time for me. My business is so bad that I had to let Regina go before Christmas. She had been with me for 28 years. Now I am wondering how long I can keep the doors open. Dad requires attention. This week he spent 2 days in the hospital. I am spending less time in the office. I need to spend more time with Kate. It is a difficult time. I am not sleeping as well as I used to.

Posted on

Celebrating Christmas

The past few weeks have brought with it the usual stresses associated with Christmas as well as special ones related to Kate’s Alzheimer’s. Here are some of the key things that happened.

First, she started late with her Christmas shopping and then had great difficulty ordering online. She wanted to order 1 Vikings and 1 Falcons Pillow Pets for the twin grandsons. She ended up ordering 2 Vikings and having them shipped here which might have been too late for us to take with us. I ended up making a new order with delivery to Memphis.

I had given her instructions that we would give Kevin and Rachel, our son and his wife, a check for Rachel’s birthday as well as Christmas presents for the whole family. She ended up writing two checks for a total of less than we had agreed upon. Neither arrived for Christmas.

We had bought 3 gift cards to a yogurt shop for their children, and she misplaced one of these. Rachel had to arrange another. She didn’t get the other 2 in the mail early enough to arrive for Christmas. She also tried to order Sonic gift cards for the grandchildren but wasn’t able to do so. I ended up doing it for her, but it was too late to arrive for Christmas.

She worked 2 hours trying to order a TCU shirt for our oldest grandson but was unable to get it done. I did this for her.

On Christmas morning in Memphis with our daughter’s family, we opened presents as usual. We also took a break after opening some of them and returned to opening the rest later. We had purchased a gift card from a local restaurant for Jesse and Greg. When she hadn’t given it to them, I suggested she do so. She wanted to hold off. Then later she told me she wanted to do it “tomorrow.” That evening after our Christmas dinner, she told us (Jesse, Greg, and me) that she thought we should just wait to open the rest until tomorrow. I told her we had already opened all the presents. After we retired to our bedroom, she told me she had been thinking all day that Christmas was tomorrow. I could tell that she was troubled by this recognition of her mistake. Recently she has seemed more troubled by her Alzheimer’s though she doesn’t say much.

Last night our son, Kevin, called to say that most of the things that we had purchased had arrived. In the process of talking about things, he asked if we had opened the CD he had given us when we were in San Antonio for Thanksgiving. I told him I didn’t recall a CD. We told him we would look for it. This morning she found it while taking down our Christmas decorations. He had given it to Kate and hadn’t told me about it. Of course, she put it in the tree and forgot it.

We went to a movie last night, and she seemed especially pleased for us to be going out. I found myself a little down last night, as well. In fact, I woke up around midnight when I received a phone call from Dad. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t get my mind off what I believe is the fact that she is declining faster than I had hoped. Furthermore, I think she is feeling the same way but not saying anything. I can’t help wondering about what things will be like next year and how we will be affected by her condition. I am feeling the same compulsion to be with her and hang onto her tightly.

All this comes at a time of great stress for me at the office. I had to let Regina go after 28 years, and I listed the building with a realtor just before Christmas. Furthermore, I see no signs of immediate improvement.