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More Happy Moments at Stage 7 Alzheimer’s

More Happy Moments at Stage 7 Alzheimer’s

I co-chair the CART Committee for my Rotary Club. The committee raises money for research on Alzheimer’s and other dementias. Each Monday, I prepare a message about dementia that provides information and encouragement for members to contribute to a bucket at each table.

Recently, I asked Gemini for a list of topics I might use for my weekly CART Message. One of those was of special interest to me. It focused on joy in caregiving. I asked Gemini to write something about that. Here is Gemini’s reply with a few edits of my own. I was struck by how well it captures the way Kate and I find joy at this late stage of Alzheimer’s.

Looking for Moments of Joy By Gemini (Google’s Chatbot)

Caring for someone with dementia can be challenging, but even at later stages, the ability to experience joy hasn’t vanished.

You might find these moments in unexpected places: the soothing rhythm of brushing your loved one’s hair, the shared warmth of holding hands during a quiet afternoon, or the familiar comfort of a favorite song playing softly in the background. These fleeting interactions may not change the course of the disease, but they can profoundly change your day.

By shifting our focus away from what has been lost, we open our hearts to what is still here.

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How Eating Out Helps Me Avoid Social Isolation


Recently, I had a very special day that reminded me of how much I benefit from eating out. It happened at Travinia, a restaurant that Kate and I enjoyed on Sundays before her hospitalization with COVID in 2020. Since then, she has been more restricted, but I have continued to have lunch there every Sunday.

Before I was seated at my table, I walked over to a nearby table and spoke with a couple that I see every week. They always ask me about Kate, and I was happy to give a good report that she is still doing well. I asked how they were doing, and that began a brief, but pleasant conversation.

When the server took my order, she said she thought she might have served me before. I told her I wasn’t sure, but I thought I would have remembered her hair that was shorter than my flat top when I was a teenager. She said, “Well, it’s just now growing out.” That made me think that she may have had cancer, but I didn’t ask. After she left, I felt I should have asked and been more supportive.

It wasn’t long before the manager of the restaurant stopped by and asked about Kate as well as my brother who travels a lot and my son-in-law who has been talking about retirement. In between, we talked about how the Labor Day weekend had kept many regular customers away. That caused me to mention the seasonal patterns of my business.

I was eating an arugula salad that is a new addition to the menu. I told him I had never heard of arugula when I was growing up. Then, he told me about its being a west coast vegetable that had gradually made its way across the country.

When the server returned a little later, I told her I wanted to ask her a personal question: “Did you have cancer?” She said she hadn’t. She told me that she had shaved her head and kept it shaved for a while. That led to more questions about why and another interesting conversation.

Midway through my lunch, a man and his wife took a table across the room from me. I knew them from Villa Tronco. We saw them regularly for about eight years when the restaurant brought in opera singers to perform on the first Thursday. I didn’t know them well, but I see them at Travinia once in a while. It wasn’t long before the man walked to my table to say hello. We had another brief conversation.

As I left, I dropped by their table to speak with his wife. I told her that I still remembered calling her by the wrong name for several years. I told her that I now remember her name each time we see each other but can’t remember what I had called her before she corrected me. She laughed and said that she couldn’t remember either.

From there, we began a longer discussion about some of the funny things that have happened to us during our married lives. When we finished, I left the restaurant feeling great.

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Tips for Caregivers: Caring for the Caregiver


Caring for the Caregiver

People often ask me if I’m taking care of myself. My answer is yes, and here is what I have done. Perhaps that will give you a few ideas that might work for you.

I had been going to the YMCA almost every day for years and continued to do so until the pandemic arrived in 2020. Then I started walking in our neighborhood. When we moved to Still Hopes five months later, I started going to the wellness center, where I spend 45 minutes on the seated elliptical after 15-20 minutes of stretching exercises. I get up between 3:45 and 4:30 each morning so that I can get back to our apartment before 6:30. Kate is a good sleeper, and I am confident that she will remain asleep at that hour. At first, I went every day, but my doctor convinced me that it would be good to take off at least two days a week. I started taking off Wednesday and Sunday. That is my present schedule.

I’m also mindful of my diet. For many years, I’ve followed a high protein, low carbohydrate diet that has served me well. I am thirty pounds lighter than I was in high school and forty pounds lighter than I was in my freshman year in college.

I also find other ways to care for myself. One of those is listening to audiobooks while I’m at the wellness center. Most of my listening is nonfiction, but I periodically read fiction. Recently, I finished listening to THE GALES OF NOVEMBER by John H. Bacon. It is about the Edmund Fitzgerald that sank in Lake Superior in 1975. In addition to the ship itself, it contains a lot of interesting information about the Great Lakes, and the economy in that area which was heavily dependent on the auto industry and more specifically iron and steel.

The most important thing I’ve done is to be as socially active as possible. Prior to and during the first nine years after her diagnosis, Kate and I were both socially active, as a couple and separately. Since she entered the last stage of Alzheimer’s, we have been more restricted. I do take a three-hour break every day from noon until 3:00 pm. That gives me time to eat lunch, run errands, have coffee with friends and drop by Starbucks where I work on my blog. Apart from that break, I am with Kate all day and night.

I go off the grounds for lunch five days a week. Most of the time, I go by myself, but I often see people I know. Once a month, I go to lunch with two Still Hopes residents. I also meet a former staff member and longtime friend for coffee every Friday afternoon. At noon every Saturday, I meet three other guys for coffee.

I’m also a member of three support groups, two of which are here at Still Hopes. One is for dementia caregivers. The other is for people caring for anyone who needs care. I am also a member of “The Men’s Coffee Club”, a men’s support group at Leeza’s Care Connection. It meets the second and fourth Fridays of each month. I participate on Zoom since it is before our caregiver arrives at 11:00 am.

One of the things I learned in my reading about caring for a loved one with dementia came from an online magazine in the UK. It recommended that caregivers and their loved ones put together a team. The focus of the article was on medical, legal, and financial professionals. We had those in place, but I took that a giant step forward. I consider everyone who does anything to make each of my days a little brighter, a member of my team. That would include all of you who read my posts and respond with kind and encouraging words. During my three-hour daily break, I often have conversations with people I don’t know. I include them on my team as well.

Although I retired long ago, I still own my business and stay in touch with the staff. For years, I had been active in several non-profit organizations. I’m much less active now, but I still maintain contacts with them.

I wish I could say that my effort to care for myself has prevented the stress that goes along with caring for someone with dementia. It doesn’t, but it keeps my head well above water. I’m very grateful for the support you and others have given me. That has played a major role in how Kate and I have been able to live so well with her Alzheimer’s, and I thank you.

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Tips for Caregivers: Learning About Dementia and Caregiving


Dementia caregivers face a lot of challenges as their loved ones lose their rational thought, so it is helpful to learn as much as possible about the disease and how to care for their loved ones with dementia. Fortunately, there is an abundance of available information.

My first step was to go to the Alzheimer’s Association website, Alz.org. It contains a lot of information and resources to help both loved ones and caregivers. They also have a number of online groups you can join. In those groups, you will find people who are asking how to deal with specific problems they face and others who have previously dealt with similar problems and have recommendations you might use.

Facebook also has several dementia groups. One of those is “Memory People”. It was started by Rick Philips who has dementia. The last time I checked, it had over 20,000 members. That means you are likely to find people who have had problems like yours.

There are also many books written by caregivers, professionals in the field of dementia, and a few by people who have been diagnosed with the disease. I read more than thirty such books and benefited greatly from their stories.

An excellent online source of books about dementia is AlzAuthors.com. It’s an association of more than 400 people who write about dementia in books and blogs. They also offer podcasts on specific issues related to dementia. As a blogger, I was invited to join. That opened the door to many other people whose stories helped me.

One of the benefits of being more informed about dementia and caregiving is that it can help caregivers accept the consequences of dementia, so they can focus their energy on supporting the happiness and safety of the loved ones they care for.

That may seem obvious, but it’s common for caregivers to be frustrated when their loved ones don’t remember things or mishandle things they could have easily done in the past. It is helpful if the caregiver does not display frustration or say things like, “I told you that this morning. Your appointment is at 3:30.” That is intuitive thought responding to the frustration. Rational thought can lead to other options. A better response would be to say, “It’s at 3:30.” And be prepared to say it again, and again, and again.

That leads to another tip for next time. See you then.

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A Very Special Day

Alzheimer’s has robbed us of many things, but Kate’s smile, Happy Moments, and the love we share are still with us.

Because we are with her so much, her primary caregiver and I get to experience the Happy Moments more than anyone else. Most of them occur in our apartment, a comfort zone for Kate.

The weekend was filled with Happy Moments. Saturday afternoon was special. That’s when I took these videos at Lowry’s, a Still Hopes café where we come after 3:30 every afternoon to get yogurt for Kate and visit with other residents. Everyone who stopped by saw more of the joy we share at home than they usually see. How fortunate we are, and I am very grateful.

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Tips for Caregivers Beginning Their Journey with Dementia: Making Plans

After thirty-seven consecutive years as a caregiver, I don’t claim to be an expert, but I do have a few tips to offer those who are caring for someone with dementia. The first is to develop a plan. Kate and I did that as a team, something I would recommend to every caregiver. I believe that set the stage for us to work together throughout our journey. Knowing that Alzheimer’s would have an impact on the rest of our lives, we began planning immediately after her diagnosis.

We spent several weeks (months?) talking about the potential changes and how we could adapt. We established a goal to enjoy life and each other as long as we could. We reflected on what we currently enjoyed: movies, music and theatrical performances, eating out, and travel. We binged on them as long as we could.

Although our first focus was on what we enjoyed, we also considered many of the practical things that might be involved. We contacted our attorney and accountant who helped us prepare for the legal and financial matters we might encounter.

We also thought about Kate’s care and what we should do when she might require in-home care. As a result of our caring for all four of our parents and my father’s girlfriend after my mother died, we felt it would be best to consider a move to a retirement community that would offer a variety of services that we might potentially need. Ten years later we acted on that decision. It was a good one. We have now lived at Still Hopes almost five and a half years and have never regretted it.

Don’t worry about making a detailed plan. In fact, something more general gives you the ability to make specific changes if and when that becomes necessary. At first, you need to be clear about the things that give you the most pleasure in life. That way you can focus on enjoying them as much as you can while you are still able to do so.

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The Power of Love

Many things have helped us live well with Alzheimer’s. Love is at the top of our list for Kate and me. This takes me back to our dating years in the early 1960s. One month after our first date, I took a job at a funeral home that paid me forty cents an hour. I worked afternoons during the week and at night three or four nights a week. I was a senior in college, carrying a full-time course load and short on time and money, but each of us was willing to do whatever we could to attract the other.

Throughout our marriage and during our journey with Alzheimer’s we have lived the same way. It has given me patience when it was needed. It led me to be more creative when Kate could no longer do the things she had enjoyed in the past. It motivated me to make her happy in every way that I could from the day of her diagnosis right up to this very moment.

Every day, I express my love for her in many ways. Because of her aphasia, she can’t express her love verbally as she used to, but she is able to express it through her facial expressions, holding my hand, stroking my arm and with her smiles, and taking my hand to her lips and kissing it. Love has benefited us every step of the way, as described in I Corinthians 13.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Love has worked and still works for us.

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Is It Possible That Others Could Benefit from the Same Things That Have Worked for Us?

In previous posts, I’ve said that our approach to Alzheimer’s has helped us live well, even joyfully. If that is so, it seems reasonable to ask if it could do the same for others.

I can answer that question, but first, I want to make clear what I mean by our approach. I’m not referring to the specific things that we did – binging on music, eating out, and traveling to exciting places. The approach I mean is to accept Alzheimer’s and the loss of rational thought coupled with a heavy emphasis on intuitive thought. We didn’t realize it at the beginning, but most of the activities we chose to enjoy life were ones Kate could enjoy for a long time. Not only that, but I could enjoy them with her.

So, is it possible that other Alzheimer’s couples facing the disease could live as well as we have? My short answer is “Yes, it is definitely possible. In fact, it’s already happening. One example is that of Tony Copeland-Parker and his wife, Catherine (Cat). Tony wrote the book “Running All Over the World”. Their story follows their lives after Cat was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s. They took early retirement at UPS, sold their house, and began years of marathoning in all fifty states and seven continents. They did that for years until the late stage of Alzheimer’s brought that to an end.

Another is Helene Berger and her husband, Ady. Helene decided to shift her focus from managing a disease to actively focusing on daily happiness.

The result was constant mental stimulation, absolute kindness, and a conflict-free environment that led to what physicians considered an unprecedented stabilization. In his final years, Ady became known in his community as “the man with the radiant smile,” returning to the piano, drawing, and greeting friends by name. Helene tells their story in her book CHOOSING JOY. There are many similarities between Berger’s care for her husband and my care for Kate. Both of us have placed emphasis on keeping our spouses happy.

Judy Cornish can tell other stories like these. She is the author of THE DEMENTIA HANDBOOK. She has made a career out of helping people live well with dementia. She has numerous examples of others, besides Kate and me, who have followed her advice and have been able to live well with dementia.

Thus, I have no doubts that it is possible for others to live well if they followed our approach. The key word, however, is “possible”. Kate and I have had a number of advantages that have made a difference for us that others might not have. I’ll explain in a later post.

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Babies, Toddlers, and Kate

The families of our fellow residents at Still Hopes often bring their little ones when they visit. I’m always intrigued by how much they enjoy simple things. They can have fun with a cardboard box or a piece of paper. At this stage of her Alzheimer’s, Kate is like that.

She enjoys the plastic placemat at her place on the table of our community dining room. For a while, she liked pulling it off the table and folding it. Now, she just enjoys touching it.

She also smiles and laughs the way babies and toddlers do. This often happens at surprising times. One of the most predictable times is when we are getting her ready for bed in the evening. That involves personal things most of us wouldn’t want others to do for us, but for Kate, most of what we do is simply part of her daily routine.

She also laughs and talks at other times. That often happens when I say “I love you.” Sometimes she smiles and talks as she is waking up in the morning. It is clear that she is happy, and my intuitive thought enables me to be happy with her. What more could I want? To be cured of her Alzheimers? Obviously, that’s impossible. My rational thought accepts that.

Prior to the late stage of Alzheimer’s, I hadn’t thought about the likelihood that she might be so childlike, but it makes sense when I think about it. Kate as well as babies and toddlers have something in common. Their lives are shaped by their dependence on intuitive thought. Babies and toddlers haven’t yet developed the rational thought that will play such a large role later in their lives. Kate, on the other hand, has lost her rational thought. That leaves her with only her intuitive thought.

I want to emphasize that we have not been able to cure Alzheimer’s. We just found ways to make the best of a situation that has radically changed our lives for the past fifteen years.

One might ask if other people in our shoes could also find joy while “Living with Alzheimer’s”? That’s an important question, and one that I’ll leave for another post.

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Not Just a Happy Moment, But a Day Filled With Happy Moments

Regular readers of my posts will recognize the importance of “Happy Moments” in our lives. They are moments when Kate is especially cheerful. She smiles and talks much more during these moments, and that adds to the joy that we’ve been able to experience while “Living with Alzheimer’s”.

These usually occur in the afternoon or evening and, on occasion, off and on throughout the day. Yesterday was one for the record books. She awoke with a smile and talked. I try to take  advantage of moments like these and got in bed beside her. For an hour or so, we enjoyed ourselves while watching YouTube videos. It was a thrilling experience that continued the rest of the day.

Normally, something happens to stop moments like these. Then it can be hard for her to recover. That wasn’t the case yesterday. We had interruptions, but she always retained her cheerfulness and spoke with people who often don’t get to see or hear her like this.

Over the past two or three years, she has experienced a lot of Happy Moments, and although we can’t understand much of what she says, it is clear that she understands much of what the caregivers, residents, and I say and tries to respond appropriately.

We are very fortunate, and I am grateful.