This has been a special Christmas season for us. My feelings are no doubt influenced by the belief that next Christmas Kate may be less able to enjoy it. Since her diagnosis we have tried to “live in the moment.” That has carried us through the rough spots along the way and continues to do so. At the same time, there are moments when the progression of Kate’s illness is evident in new ways. When this happens, I feel sadness overtaking me for a short time. That happened in the car after lunch today.
It occurred when I told her that we had plenty of time before our haircuts at 3:00. That would give her time to work in the yard. She tried to get the words to tell me she wanted to do something else. They wouldn’t come. At first, I didn’t guess what she was trying to say. Then I asked if she wanted to work on her albums. She did. I told her I would be glad to get out her computer. She paused for a moment and then said, “First, I would like to pull a few leaves.” I told her that was fine. She could do whatever she wanted. I knew the moment she said she wanted to start by pulling leaves that she would forget the albums. That is exactly what happened. She has been doing something like this periodically. Not once has she actually started on her albums.
These family photo albums are very important to her. She frequently tells me to “remember that for the album.” She says that in response to all manner of things that come up in our conversation. When we are with other people and someone asks her what she has been doing, she often tells them she is working on her albums even though it has been at least two years since she has done anything. Long before that, she was only editing photos, not taking any steps that led directly to assembling the photos for her album.
It is not just this episode that makes me pessimistic about next Christmas. It is many other things that I take to be signs of her decline: Her more compliant nature when I make suggestions, especially about her clothes, her growing dependence on me as reflected in her asking for permission to do so many things, or to help her with her clothes, and more.
We have been very fortunate for such a long time, but I see our quality time together diminishing as she moves into another stage. I will continue to be thankful for the many good times we have had, but I already feel sad about the prospects for the future.
