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Emotional Moments in Denton

Kate’s cousin, Sharon, picked us up at our hotel for lunch and a couple of stops afterward that provided Kate with some very special emotional moments. First, we went to lunch where we had time for lots of reminiscing about many happy family times. Sharon is only a year or so younger than Kate, and her memory is fully in tack. She remembers with some details stories of individual family members and especially the family Christmas traditions. She told us about the three times that the entire family gathered together in three different homes of family members. They began with the exchange of presents about 10:00 at one house. Everyone dispersed to their own home after that and came back together in the early afternoon for lunch. That was followed by individual family time at their own homes. Then they came back together in the evening for light snacks and desserts leftover from lunch.

As Sharon recounted these family stories, Kate was elated. It was a touching experience for me to see how enthusiastically she listened to them. After lunch, we went back to Sharon’s house. It is filled with many items from her mother and father’s home as well as other special things from the homes of other aunts and uncles. She even has a door that came from Kate’s and Sharon’s grandparents home. It opens out to the deck on the back of the house.

Kate responded tearfully to both the things her cousin showed her as well as the things she told her. As an observer, it was touching to see the way Kate responded. Sharon brought our time together to a close with another special moment. She drove us to the home of her son and his wife to show us the dining room table and chairs that were originally in Kate’s parents’ home. I believe her parents bought them when they moved into their home in 1949. The chairs still had the original fabric on the cushions.

Sharon drove us back to our hotel where Kate rested a while before dinner. This experience is certain to be a highlight of our trip, but we have several other get togethers that I hope Kate will also view as meaningful. One of those is coming up at dinner when we are meeting a couple we have known from Fort Worth and TCU. We should have a lot of memories to discuss.

One final and interesting end to our visit occurred when Sharon dropped us off at our hotel. As we walked away from her car, Kate said, “Now who is she?” I told her that was her cousin, Sharon. This is yet another example of what strange twists can occur with this disease. I am confident that she understood who Sharon is throughout our time with her, but something happened right at the end that caused her to forget.

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Travel and Confusion

Kate and I returned home from Asheville this afternoon. Since our arrival around 2:15, she has been outside. That’s two hours. I believe this will be therapeutic for her. I was not surprised to discover that her confusion continued this morning. This is even easier to understand because she woke up in a somewhat dark room without knowing where she was. After we got beyond that, it was obvious that she was not in a cheerful mood. My morning cheerfulness and expressions of love and affection were not welcome. She wasn’t mean-spirited at all. She just wanted quiet.

When she was dressed, I took her to the lobby for breakfast. She didn’t show much interest in anything but picked up a pastry. I pointed in the direction of a table and said, “Let’s sit at that table over there.” She obviously missed that and didn’t follow me to the table. I looked around and saw that she had taken a seat at another table close to where we had been standing. I brought her over to the table where I had put her breakfast. She didn’t converse much which is not unusual at all, but she just didn’t look cheerful. After breakfast, we decided to return to Knoxville without having lunch in Asheville.

As we drove out of town, I tried to cheer her up. I said something about our having had a good time and how much we had enjoyed the hotel, the meals, and the play. She wasn’t very responsive. Once on the highway, I reached across the console and put my hand on her leg. She lifted my hand up and pushed it away.

About an hour into the trip, she was restless. I decided to take a lunch break. I didn’t want to take a long time; so I stopped at Wendy’s. I asked her if she would like a chicken sandwich or a hamburger. She said, “I don’t care. Just order for me.” We sat quietly through lunch and then continued home. Although she didn’t say much, she appeared to be in a better mood when we reached home. It is unusual for her to be in a depressed mood this long. I am eager to see how she feels when she comes in for dinner.

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Travel, Confusion, and Learning How to Address It

Kate came into the living area of the suite to which we had been upgraded. She looked very groggy and confused. I asked her if I could help her. She gave me a confused look. Then I took a more direct approach that is not like me. I said, “Let me tell you where we are. We are at the Haywood Park Hotel in Asheville, North Carolina.” She said, “Oh, yeah.” I went on to tell her that we were going back home this morning and that we had no time schedule to meet. That seemed to satisfy her. Then she asked, “Can I rest a little?” I told her that would be fine. Then she said, “If I can find where to go.” I said, “Let me show you.” Then I walked her to the bedroom.

I find that I am always learning and changing the way I approach things with Kate. My normal style is not to be abrupt or too directive. I know she does not like to be controlled. There are times like this one, however, when she is disoriented or in need of direction. In this kind of situation, I have learned enough to know that she won’t realize where she is when she wakes up when we are traveling. I can make things easier for her by simply telling her and not acting as though she does know.

Three weeks from tomorrow we leave for Texas where we will spend a week visiting family and friends. I will need to remember how important it is to provide regular information of where we are, what we are doing, etc. in order to maintain her comfort level in strange surroundings. This is more difficult than it sounds. It is amazing how easy it is to fall back on the way I have related to her over the course of our marriage. In so many respects, she continues to appear quite normal, even to me. That makes me want to respond to her in the way I would have before her diagnosis.

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Travel and Confusion

Today Kate and I drove to Asheville where we have had a very nice day. She has been in a particularly good mood. In addition, she has enjoyed everything we have done today. That includes an especially nice lunch at The Blackbird. We asked for the server who had taken care of us on our previous two visits. She remembered us and once again, remembered our drink orders. Lunch was followed by a play that she liked, An Act of God. I thought the play was well performed, but did not think the play itself was a good one. It isn’t one I would recommend. One of her qualities that has been brought out by Alzheimer’s is to be especially impressed with performers. She almost always overstates their talent. I believe that is what impressed her today. I don’t think she could follow most of what was happening in the play itself. The important thing to me is that she really enjoyed herself. When the play was over, she said, “Wow!”
She has likes the hotel in which we are staying. We have stayed here a number of times. It’s a nice place and in a good location downtown. The woman working the front desk has been with the hotel since they opened and has been at the front desk each time we have arrived. This time she arranged an upgrade to a much larger suite than we usually have. It is certainly something we don’t need, but it is nice that she did this. It keeps us coming back.

In the midst of her enjoyment, Kate has been confused on where we are. As we got to the theater this afternoon, she said something that I can’t remember, but it implied that she thought it was in Knoxville. A little later when we reached the hotel, she asked, “Now tell me where we are.” I told her we were in Asheville. A few minutes later, she asked the name of the hotel. I told her. The second I told her Asheville and the hotel name she said, “Oh, I knew that.” I am sure she did. She just couldn’t call it.

One other moment of confusion occurred just before we went to dinner. She had just brushed her teeth and came back into the bedroom with the toothpaste and two packets of towelettes in her hand as though she were ready to pack up for home.

Right after returning from dinner, she came into the bedroom after brushing her teeth. This time she wasn’t carrying anything. She looked puzzled. I asked if she were looking for her night gown. She didn’t answer. Then she saw that the housekeeper had put a robe on each bed. She said, “Oh, here it is.” Then I got her night gown for her. She has now settled into bed with her iPad. She is very contented, and so am I. She just turned out her light. I think I will get ready to take my shower.

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Travel Report Chautauqua 2017

Today was our last day at Chautauqua. It was probably our last time here together. That thought has saddened me deeply today. At various times during the day (sitting on the porch for breakfast and checking email, walking the brick walk to and from the Hall of Philosophy, having lunch at La Familia and dinner at the Afterwards Cafe) I have thought, “This is the last time we will experience this together.”

Even with the sadness, I believe that I made the right decision to come this year and to leave after only one week. Today was another good day for us, but Kate was worn out last night. She was in bed at or before 9:00 last night and didn’t get up until about 11:00 this morning. Not only that but between lunch and the 2:00 lecture, she went back to bed. I had to get her up to attend the lecture. She would have preferred staying in bed but got up anyway, something that she has been doing for the past 6-12 months. Prior to that, it was very difficult to get her up. She gets up much more quickly now.

Returning from the 2:00 lecture at the Hall of Philosophy, she walked even more slowly than usual. We stopped by the apartment for a short time and then went to see the play “Noises Off.” Again, she walked very slowly to and from the play. She seemed to enjoy the play despite the fact that it is a farce. She generally doesn’t like that type of humor. This is something we have seen three other times. She enjoyed it each of those times.

It is almost impossible for me to imagine coming back with her if she declines as much in the upcoming year as this past year. There would be problems on multiple fronts. Just the travel itself would be trying. I know that it would be difficult for her to enjoy herself once we are on the grounds. That would affect my enjoyment as well. I would need to have help to take care of her. That can be arranged here. My contact at the Chautauqua Foundation has indicated that she could help in that regard. At the moment, I feel that it would be best not to come at all. It may be that it would work out for me during the following year although everything depends on Kate. It is simply too early to be planning anything too specific.

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Irritability

For a long time Kate has teased me about trying to control her. It has always been tinged with a note of seriousness. Yesterday she expressed clear irritation with me. It happened as we were returning to our apartment here at Chautauqua from the afternoon lecture. She began as though we had already been having a conversation. That has happened before. She believes we have talked about something but haven’t. Her first references to a move to Texas.

This time she started very diplomatically. She said she wanted to tell me something, but she didn’t want to make me mad. I told her I wouldn’t get mad. She then said that I don’t consider how she feels about things, that I simply go ahead and make decisions for her. She illustrated that by noting that when she says, “I am hungry” I will say, “How can you be hungry. You just ate a while ago?” What surprised me most is that is a good recollection of a number of experiences we have had. In fact, it happened yesterday before we attended the afternoon lecture. At that time, it had been slightly over an hour since we had eaten lunch.

From this she continued to tell me other ways in which I tried to control her. At least one of those was something I had never done. I can’t recall what that was, but her mention of it reinforced my thinking that she had imagined some events or things. At the same time, she was also responding to something that is genuine. I do find myself taking charge of more things. I try, however, to let her be as independent as I can. One of my challenges is that there are some things that she is happy for me to do. In addition, there are some occasions when she is happy for me to do something that on other occasions she would resent.

I will need to be even more sensitive about these things in the future, but I am sure I will stumble along the way. I am taking this experience as one more indicator of the transition we are going through.

I am also asking myself. How much is my desire to take trips like this one to Chautauqua rooted in my own personal desires versus what I believe she would like. I think it is a combination of both.

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Confusion

For the third night in a row, Kate has not known where we are. We were at dinner at the Brick Walk Cafe. Kate was facing where she could see Bestor Plaza and all the people outside. I said, “I guess tonight you know where we are.” She hesitantly said, “At home?” I told her we were at Chautauqua. She was pleased. She obviously hadn’t remembered our being here. Memory problems are so interesting. She clearly remembers Chautauqua. The mention of the name brings out good thoughts, but she is unable to recognize that we right here on the grounds.

This fits with my suspicion that while we were in Lubbock in June, she never remembered where we were. Knowing this makes me wonder whether or not we should make any further travel plans. If she were showing signs of distress, I would clearly not consider traveling. As it is, she does have moments of pleasure every place we go. Much of the time she doesn’t express a lot of enthusiasm, but it comes out periodically. She liked the morning speaker. She didn’t say anything about the afternoon speaker. That was one that I didn’t enjoy myself.

The only other trip that is in my planning right now is the trip to Fort Worth for homecoming. That is around October 19. There are two reasons that I would like to make the trip. The first is that I expect that this will be her last trip home. Second, it will be her only opportunity to see a grandchild at TCU. Our oldest will be a freshman in September. Kevin and his family as well as Kate’s brother and his wife are also planning to be there. It just seems like an important trip to make. At the moment, I have hotel reservations but haven’t done anything else to prepare for the trip. I’ll wait another month to make a go or no go decision. Even then I will be prepared to cancel if necessary.

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More Signs of Decline

I am seeing little signs of just how far along Kate is. This morning after her shower, she came into the living room of our apartment and said, “I’m ready.” I asked what she was ready for. She said, “To go home.” I got up, put my arms around at her and told her this was our first day at Chautauqua and that we had a week to go.

She had said something like this yesterday, and I told her we were here. I know that last night and tonight at dinner, she asked, “Where are we now?” Last night, I asked her what she meant, in this place (meaning the restaurant, or . . .” She stopped me. I told her we were at Chautauqua. She said, “I know that.” I believe she really didn’t know that.

Tonight she asked the identical question. I told her Chautauqua. She smiled and said, “We are?”

I don’t know that I said this earlier, but when I found her this afternoon, she was quite calm and seemed to have enjoyed being with the man she was talking with.

She enjoyed the morning lecture and got along fine at the 2:00 lecture even though we were in an overflow room where there was only audio.

All-in-all she has had moments of pleasure and others where she seems tired and unenthusiastic about being here. The latter reaction reinforces my thought that this will be our last year.

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Lost Yet Again at Chautauqua

This is a post I would rather not write. I am driven to do so by the possibility someone out there might have the mistaken idea that I am caring for Kate perfectly. I left Kate at the apartment this afternoon for about an hour and a half. When I returned, she was gone.

I wouldn’t have done this at all if I hadn’t gotten her out of bed this morning at 10:30 to get to the morning lecture at 10:45. That was followed by lunch, a quick stop by the apartment to brush teeth, and on to a 2:00 lecture with Bill Moyers. Before coming this year, there were two speakers I definitely wanted to hear. One is Alan Cooperman who heads the division of research on religion at Pew Research. I have read so many of his study findings and wanted to hear his presentation.

Knowing that Kate would want to have a break, I brought her back to the apartment. She said she was going to rest a while. I told her I didn’t want her to go anywhere. She said, “Oh, I wouldn’t go anywhere.” Of course, I knew she couldn’t remember.

When I returned and found her gone, I was panicked. It was daylight, and it is a safe place. On the other hand, it was beginning to rain. I knew she hadn’t taken an umbrella or rain jacket. The first thing I did was to walk across the street to the Brick Walk Cafe to see if she might be there. Then I walked around the Plaza and went into the book store. I came back to the apartment and checked again. I saw the neighbor in the apartment next to us and told her to be on the look out. I left to retrace my steps and still did not find her. I decided to contact security. I did so by going to the visitors’ center. They called security for me. I gave them a description of her. Then I went to the market here on the plaza and bought some gauze and hydrogen peroxide to clean up several cuts to my arm. I had taken a fall on the way back from the 3:30 lecture. There I told the people about Kate. I also told a driver of one of the small buses that circulate the area to be on alert for her. I told people at a dress shop in St. Elmo about her as well. On the way back to the apartment I saw a young man, Kyle, who was driving a golf cart and stopped him. It turned out he was with security and was out looking for her. As I was talking to him, I got a call from a man who said she was with him on Robert Street. I thought he was with security, but it turned out that he was with the Ecumenical House that is around the corner from our apartment. She apparently wandered over there. I will have to find out how he got my phone number and to thank him.

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Forgetting

Kate was slow getting going yesterday but perked up during the church service. She liked the preacher and got the feeling of being back in Chautauqua. We had a nice afternoon. After dinner, I took her on a short walk around Bestor Plaza before going back to the apartment.

For the second night in a row she skipped the evening program. It was the opera on Saturday and the sacred song service last night. In both cases, she had planned to go until after supper. At first, she started saying that she might not go. Then finally she said she would go if I really wanted her to go. I told her I wanted her to do what she really wanted.

Saturday night, she went to sleep quickly and was on the way to sleep before I left. Last night, she went to bed, but when I got home she was still awake

This morning she was up around 7:45 and took her shower. As I did yesterday, I laid out her clothes for her. A few minutes after 7:00, I had gone out to get her a muffin and orange juice. After she finished both, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. In a few minutes, she came into the living room with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand and said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Ready for what?” She said, “To go home.” I got up from the sofa and gave her a hug and said, “This is our first day here. We have a whole week ahead.” She said, “Where are we?” I told her and said I should have reminded her. She nodded and said, “I’m just sleepy.”

This is just another of her poor memory AND mine. I should never have referred to being here without specifying where “here” is. I know she can’t remember. Why can’t I remember that?