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Report on our Weekend Trip to Memphis

Like our trip to Texas, our trip to Memphis was a success. It’s always good to see our grandsons. This time was no exception. The highlight, of course, was our getting to see Randy play with his high school band. Friday night we saw the band perform at halftime during their homecoming game. Saturday night we saw the last three bands in the regional band competition. We enjoyed each of them but too special pleasure in seeing Randy’s band. They competed against only one other AAAA school and won in every category. It was also nice to hear our other grandson, Ron, talk about his theater class. He is excited about upcoming tryouts for The Three Musketeers that they will perform in January.

We ate dinner after the band events on both nights. That meant that we were up later than normal. Kate handled it well. She is a real trouper. I had previously committed ourselves to stop in Nashville on the way home to visit Kate’s best friend, Ellen, who is in a memory care unit, and our friends from the University of Wisconsin and the University of Tennessee, Ann and Jeff Davis. In order to do that, we needed to leave by 10:00 if we wanted to get back home at a decent hour. Kate was sleeping soundly, but I woke her up just before 9:00 to give her time to get a shower and dressed for the trip. She got up very willingly and was ready in time to leave at 10:00.

Both visits were good ones. Ellen is declining. Her speech has been affected by her stroke a little over two years ago as well as several seizures she has had since the end of February. I think her vascular dementia is beginning to affect her now. Kate didn’t seem to pick up on this. Seeing the other people in the memory unit caused me to wonder whether it is a good thing to keep taking Kate. She doesn’t seem to notice. At least she doesn’t say anything that makes me think he feels uncomfortable. I think she just doesn’t think about her ending up in the same condition. I am glad. I wish I didn’t.

We had dinner with Ann and Jeff at their home. We have lived in different cities for the past 25 years or so; however, each time we are together we pick just as though we had seen them yesterday. At one time, Ann was Kate’s best friend. That was before she and Jeff moved to Ohio. They moved to Nashville about twenty years ago. It was a great way to end what had been a very nice weekend.

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Adjusting to a New Place

Yesterday Kate and I drove to Memphis to see our grandson, Randy, who is in his high school’s band. They were playing at halftime of their homecoming football game. Last spring, we came here to see our other grandson, Ron, in a junior high production of the musical Shrek. Since then Randy has been eager for us to attend one of his band performances.

The trip yesterday was a smooth one. I did notice for the first time that Kate became restless on the drive. We broke up the trip with a couple of stops. Otherwise, it was an easy trip.

We went to the stadium around 6:00 so that we could watch the band march into the stadium which is the equivalent of the team’s entrance to the field for parents of the football team. It was fun to see Randy march in with his band uniform. He has not hit his growth spurt and is at least a foot shorter than the boy in front of him. He had a big smile on his face when he saw us. The highlight, of course, was the halftime show itself. This year the band has worked on a program featuring the music of Gershwin. We enjoyed the show. As frequently happens, we were impressed with the quality of the performance of these high school students.

Not having a child on the football team, we left after halftime. We went to a neighborhood Italian restaurant for a later dinner. It was after 10:30 when we got back to Jesse’s and after 11:00 before getting into bed. Because this is a good bit later than we usual go to bed, we both slept later. I was up at 7:30. Kate didn’t get up until about 9:00. She came downstairs and said hello. She came in with her morning pills in her hand. She very naturally picked up a beverage cup that Jesse had gotten out for herself and used it to take her medications.

In a few minutes, she walked out of the kitchen. When I checked to see where she had gone, I found her under the covers in Jesse’s bed. She was there until close to 11:00 when she woke up and said she wanted to take a shower. While she was in the shower, I put her clothes out on the bed. Later I went back to check. She had gotten out of the shower. I thought she might not see her clothes on the bed and brought them to her. As I helped her by pointing out what she could wear, she responding willingly and even gratefully. This is another pattern that has emerged when we are traveling. My interpretation is that she finds everything a bit confusing and, thus, willingly accepts my help more easily than when we are at home.

 

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Leaving Texas

In the rental car center at the airport in Dallas, Kate asked me, “Where are we?” I said, “The Dallas airport in Texas.” She said sadly, I don’t wanna leave Texas.” I said, “But, we’ve had a good time” and gave her a hug. And she doesn’t realize she may not be back.   

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Our last day in Texas

Before leaving Knoxville yesterday, Kate and I made our usual stop at Panera where we both got muffins. Then we made a trip to the cemetery where we visited the Franklin family plot. We stopped at the graves of each person and sensed the memories of our experiences with them. There were a few who died before I became a part of the family, but I had a great sense of the story of this particular family and how close they had been.

We stopped a little longer at the graves of Kate’s mother and father and an infant daughter. It was an emotional moment for both of us. I believe it was especially so for me because I believe this will be Kate’s last visit to this place before she passes. The tears welled up in my eyes as we stood in that place.

From there we moved on to Dallas where we will catch our plane to Nashville this morning. We drove directly to the home of a childhood friend of mine with whom I have been in contact since the third grade when we met, Carter Owens. One of my earliest memories of him occurred during the 1948 presidential race between Truman and Dewey. He was a big Truman supporter. I am sure most of the other fourth graders hardly new who Truman was. This interest in politics has lasted the rest of his life. He is now a retired political science professor.

We met Carter at his home where he lives with his partner and now husband, Michael. They married shortly after we were with them two years ago. We had lunch at a nice French restaurant that was rather quiet for our extended conversation. We had a lot to catch up on. After lunch, we continued the conversation at their home. Kate and I both enjoy their company and had a pleasant afternoon.

Around 4:00 we left for our hotel near the airport. We had a fitting close to a very good week. It was everything I wanted it to be. Kate had seen all of the family living in Fort Worth as well as the people who have been most special to her for many years. I wish she were able to savor the memories. Since that is not possible, I am at least glad she was able to enjoy the time she had with each one.

 

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Incidental Happenings

2017-10-23 (7:44 pm)

Yesterday afternoon Kate and I went to a skilled nursing facility for a visit with the mother of a friend who lives near us in Tennessee. The friend’s mother invited us to have a seat. Kate took hers on a love seat with a table beside it. The friends mother had glass of water on the table. Apparently, she had been drinking it before we arrived. As we were talking, Kate up the glass and took a drink out of it. Our friends mother picked it up and took it to the kitchen and brought Kate a fresh glass of water. I chuckled to myself because I have had this experience quite a number of times.

Tonight we are staying in a hotel near the airport in Nashville where we will catch our plane home in the morning. We drove to a pizza place near the hotel. When I opened the door to the car for Kate, I noticed that she had taken her glass from the restaurant. I called attention to it and returned it. This is not the first time this has happened. It is not a typical thing but there have been as many as five times she has done this at restaurants.

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What does it mean to “know” someone?

This is a question I would like to explore in another post. It’s too late to start answering a question like this tonight. Let me simply mention something that happened today that prompted my query.

As Kate and I walked to our car after saying goodbye to our son, Kevin, his wife Rachel, and their son (our grandson), Brian, Kate asked, “Who is that boy?” I said, “That’s Brian.” She said, “Who are his parents?” I said, “Kevin and Rachel.” What makes this intriguing is that she had just spent almost two hours with a group of about a dozen family members including Brian and his parents (our son and his wife). We had also had lunch with them yesterday. In anticipation of our seeing them, I had mentioned Brian several times during the trip preceding yesterday’s lunch. Each time she was puzzled and asked, “Who are his parents?” Each time I explained.

I am fairly confident that when she was with Brian and his parents that she had a sense of who he is. It seems equally clear that when she asks the question, she does not know who he is. We normally think about an Alzheimer’s patient as either knowing or knowing others. This experience suggests to me that knowing is more than that. It’s a continuum. I think this deserves further exploration.

 

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A Great Day with Family and Close Friends

2017-10-22 (8:05 pm)

Today’s highlight was a family reception following church. We met in the parlor where the family had attended many events over the years. This included wedding receptions for several of us who were in attendance. It was a very informal gathering made special because we don’t get together very often anymore. We took lots of pictures that I am sure we will treasure in the years to come.

We went back to our hotel after the reception. Later in the afternoon, Kate and I visited two friends at a senior facility. One is my former professor with whom I had lunch on Friday. The other is the mother of a good friend who lives in Nashville.

We went directly from this visit to take another friend to dinner. Naomi has meant a lot to us. For years she was a member of Kate’s mother’s Sunday school class. During the late 1990s, after Kate’s mother had suffered a stroke, Naomi served as her caregiver. It meant a lot to Kate to have someone who knew and loved her mother to manage the onsite care that was needed. Even then Kate traveled back and forth between Knoxville and Fort Worth to see her mother and take care of lots of details.

During dinner, we talked about lots of memories. Kate loved it. I think Naomi did as well. It was a perfect close to our reunions with friends in Fort Worth.

 

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Flexibility Required

2017-10-21 (5:39 pm)

We’ve had a nice day. We made another visit to Sadie’s café for a cranberry scone and a large slice of pound cake, one of my favorites. We were there for about an hour before coming back to the hotel for another hour. As we were leaving the hotel room, Kate said, “Haywood Park.” I knew she was trying to show me that she recalled the name of our hotel. Of course, it was wrong again. I didn’t say anything, but the look on my face must have given away my thoughts. She said, “That’s not right?” I shook my head and told her it was the Hilton. She accepted it without a problem.

We met our son, his wife, their son as well as Kate’s brother, Ken and his wife, Virginia, at our favorite BBQ place for lunch. It was good to see each of them. We had seen our son in September, but it had been June since we had seen the others. It was especially nice to see our grandson who is now a freshman at TCU.

At lunch, we learned that the powers that be had decided to “stripe” the stadium by having people in certain sections wear black shirts while others wore gold, the University’s school colors. The section in which we were to sit was asked to wear black, and we didn’t have black shirts. To rectify this, we stopped by a shop and bought black golf shirts with the WF embroidered in gold on the front.

We got back to the hotel where Kate wanted to rest. It wasn’t too long before she wanted to get out of the room. This, as I may have said before, is not unusual. I suggested we go to Panera where we are planning to meet Ken and Virginia in the morning. Just before 5:00, I suggested we go back to the hotel before leaving for the football game at 5:30 or shortly thereafter.

When we got back to the hotel, we discovered that all the parking spaces were occupied. We ended up parking on the street about a block from the hotel. As we did this, I noticed a lineup of buses with TCU colors. It appeared that they were going to the stadium. I thought this was fortuitous as I didn’t really want to drive the car to the stadium and fight the traffic. I checked and learned that it is a free shuttle service to and back from the stadium.

Then we walked back to the room where Kate had wanted to rest before leaving for the stadium. We hadn’t taken but a few steps when she said, “Do we have to go to the game?” I hesitated a moment and said we didn’t have to go but that I had wanted to go. We tossed this around a few minutes, and I decided it was better not to push her even though she had said she would go. We came back to the room where I sent a text to our son and his wife informing them of our decision. Then I took our tickets to the front desk of the hotel and asked the man behind the desk if he knew someone who might like the tickets. He did.

The truth is that I didn’t have my heart set on the game at all. I did believe it would have been nice to be with our son and his wife for the game. It was that experience and not the game itself that was important to me. I also have to confess that I’m the kind of person who makes plans and then follows through on them. Thus, it requires a good bit of adaptability to decide not to go to a game for which we bought tickets a couple of months ago, bought shirts for a few hours ago, and came back from Panera to get ready to go to the game an hour ago. On the other hand, it illustrates two things I believe are relevant. The first is that living with Alzheimer’s involves lot of changes in plans. Second, it illustrates the importance of adaptability. If I were less adaptable, I would be miserable. As it is, I am disappointed, but I understand the need for the change. I feel for people who have more difficulty making this kind of change.

 

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Up in the dark

About 2:30 this morning, Kate got up to go to the bathroom. I woke up quickly enough that I was able to turn on the light beside the bed. As usual, she took a good while before returning to bed. I discovered this morning that she didn’t quite make it to the toilet in time which is not a rare event whether at home or while traveling.

When she got back into bed, she said enthusiastically, “I love this house.” I asked why, and she answered, “Everything is so close.” I didn’t go any further. I was just glad she was happy.

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Another Successful Day

2017-10-20 (9:29 pm)

In my previous post, I indicated my optimism that today would be another good day for Kate. I am happy to report that I was right. The main event was a lunch with four childhood friends of Kate’s. A couple of month’s ago, I had spoken with one of them, Laura Williams, about our planning to attend homecoming this year. In that conversation, Laura asked if there was anything she could do for Kate. I mentioned the possibility of getting several other old friends together for lunch. She said she would love to arrange that. At the time we were thinking about their going out to lunch someplace. When it came close to the time of our trip, Laura told me that another of her friends wanted to host them at her house. She had done that once before several years ago.

Laura chose two other friends who had also been close to Kate growing up. We talked about an appropriate number. I said having five including Kate was ideal. I tried to prepare Kate for this lunch by mentioning it to her a number of times over the past few weeks including the names of each of the four friends who would be there. I was not at all surprised when she could not remember either who the friends were or that we were even making the trip home.

This morning she seemed particularly concerned about getting their names correct. Several times she asked me to tell her the names again. This always came after my mentioning the lunch she was going to. Without these prompts, I don’t believe she would have even remembered that she was going to lunch with anyone.

As we were driving to lunch, she kept rehearsing the names of her four friends. I don’t recall that she ever got all four of them. Sometimes she struggled to get one. I told her I didn’t think she needed to worry about the names as she would remember the people when she saw them, and she wouldn’t have to call them by name. Of course, that didn’t stop her from trying.

I thought it might be good to remind her of our children and grandchildren. That led to a shortened version of the same kind of rehearsal of their names. It is only in moments like this that I really have evidence of how poor her memory has become. In much of our ordinary conversation, she is not required to use specific names or places etc. It is times like these when I am saddened. Other times I tend to think she is doing better than she really is.

I knew Kate’s time with her friends would go well the moment we arrived. All four of them greeted her warmly, and they immediately started getting updates from everyone. While Kate was at her lunch, I picked up a former professor and mentor for lunch.

When I returned to pick up Kate, they all told me what a wonderful time they had had. Two people specifically thanked me for suggesting this opportunity. I was touched by the reception Kate received as well as the joy on her face.

The hostess, Linda Turner, told me that an old friend, Marjorie Eggleston, lived nearby and would love to see us if we had time. Marjorie is now 93 and in a wheel chair, but her mind is sharp. She and I often spent some time together chatting at various family celebrations. We thought of ourselves as buddies at that time. It was good to see that we still feel the same after all these years. Kate was equally thrilled to see Marjorie as her parents had been close friends of Marjorie’s husbands parents. They had been like an aunt and uncle to Kate.

As thrilled as she was to see Marjorie, Kate was also confused. She kept thinking that Marjorie was her husband’s mother whom she thought of as an aunt.

We ended the day with a reunion dinner at TCU. There were very few people there whom we knew, but it was nice to see them.

It turned out to have been as nice a day as I had hoped.