Posted on

A Trip Forgotten

Yesterday morning, Kate was worn out from the weekend trip to Raleigh and Chapel Hill. I finally woke her at almost 11:00 so that we could get bite to eat and take a quick look at several places in Chapel Hill that I hoped would bring back memories for both of us. It worked for me but not for Kate. Her memories of people and places come and go. They have been going more lately. That was the case for Chapel Hill. I had looked forward to rekindling the feelings of the past, but it was not to be. I don’t mean that she didn’t enjoy the experiences we had. That would be especially for our time with the Stones and Evelyn Schmidt. The problem was that she was never able to remember our connections to these friends nor this part of the country where we spent three years early in our marriage.

It was, however, very important to me. I remember our time there when we were much younger, and I remember this past weekend. Yesterday, Kate didn’t even remember that we had been there over the weekend. As she continues her decline, I find myself more frequently reflecting on our past but also trying to keep in mind that we are still creating new memories. I know that I will reflect on them in the years ahead.

Posted on

Our Visit With Another Longtime Friend

We got in another good visit with the Stones yesterday at lunch. Dot had an obligation at church and joined us a little later. That gave Reggie and me and chance to catch up on a number of old friends and colleagues from our graduate school days. Although he has had a number of TIAs, I was impressed with his memory. In most cases, I thought his long-term memory for those days was better than my own.

Before meeting them, Kate repeatedly asked me their names and tried to remember them. It was impossible. Once again, she handled herself well. At one point after Dot had joined us, she said something about Dot’s manner or personality that was very complimentary. It was a reminder that although her memory is virtually gone, she is still able to perceive certain qualities in people. I wish I could remember exactly what she said. It may have been something about Dot’s smile that she felt conveyed a warmth that Kate liked. I have noticed that she often comments when she sees smiles that appeal to her. That is especially true with photos. It may also be a reminder of how important a smile can be for anyone in social encounters.

We (I) left the Stones on a high note. It had been wonderful seeing them again. I was glad we had made the trip. For Kate, the experience was different. She did not express her feelings, but I could tell she got along well during our time with them, but that her memory of them was gone right after we left them. Even while we were together, she couldn’t remember their names. When Reggie got up from the table to go out front to meet Dot, she said, “Who is he?” At no time did she remember that we were in Raleigh. That should not surprise me. She doesn’t remember when we are in Knoxville. It is interesting that wherever we are she tends to think we are in Fort Worth, her hometown. That connection is still alive.

After lunch, we drove over to Chapel Hill where Kate’s longtime friend, Evelyn Schmidt, had recently moved into Carol Woods, a continuing care community. We have always loved Chapel Hill. I was disappointed that Kate’s memory of the place is fading. Before coming last week, she spoke fondly of the town. Yesterday, she couldn’t remember it at all or why we were coming here.

Evelyn gave us a tour of her new home. It is set in the middle of a beautiful, wooded area. Of course, that is easy to do. One of the things we always liked about Chapel Hill is the trees. It is a deeply forested community. I loved seeing Kate’s reaction to Evelyn’s new residence. I mean the setting of the place, not the apartment itself. As we walked from place to place, she would wander away to the windows that open on to such scenic beauty. Her aesthetic senses were working on over time.

As we walked around, we met several of Evelyn’s friends who also live there. Interestingly, one of them received his undergraduate degree from TCU just a few months before I was a freshman there. He and Evelyn’s husband, were colleagues in the English department at UNC. Although Kate enjoys social encounters like this, her attention was still focused on the beauty around her. I’m not even sure she realized that he had been at TCU. If she had, she would have responded with more interest.

When our tour was completed, we went to dinner at a small French restaurant where we had a good meal and enjoyed conversation with Evelyn. Afterwards, we went back to Evelyn’s apartment that is still stacked with cardboard boxes from her move. We looked at some of her wedding pictures as we had done with Dot and Reggie. We had also attended Evelyn’s wedding. That was over 40 years ago. It was Jewish wedding, and I reminded Evelyn the impression that the stomping of the wine glass during the ceremony had made on our son. After that, he said he wanted to be Jewish so that he could break the glass.

We came back to our hotel, and Kate crashed immediately. She got up once about 1:30 this morning but is still sleeping soundly right now at 10:30. I’ll wake her shortly so that we can hit the road for Knoxville. I’d like to be back home for dinner.

Posted on

A Short Trip to Visit Long-Time Friends

Friday, we drove to Raleigh to visit with our friends, Dot and Reggie Stone. The trip seemed like a long one. Of course, it was compared to our typical trip to Nashville. We ran into a good bit of construction. It took us almost an hour longer than usual, but it didn’t seem to bother Kate. She was quite relaxed. I should add that she is usually peaceful in a car. That is one of the reasons I started our Saturday and Sunday lunches at restaurants that are 20-25 minutes from our house. I’m not sure how much she slept, but her eyes were closed most of the way to Raleigh. She talked very little.

I am trying to be especially sensitive to her response to this trip. In some ways, it is a test of our ability to make our planned trip to Texas for Thanksgiving with our son, Kevin, and his family. The other day he asked me if I thought we would be able to make it. I told him I would know more when we get back home Monday night.

I can see already that there is an extra amount of confusion that occurs when we travel. If she gets the least bit confused knowing where to go in our own home, you can imagine what it is like when we are in strange places. Nothing is the same. Not even the Paneras. <G> Yesterday morning I saw a tweet that indicated the length of short-term memory for someone well into dementia is 3 seconds. That’s a pretty good estimate for Kate, sometimes even less. This confusion means that she is asking “Where are we?” much more than at home.

Yesterday, we spent a good bit of time with Dot and Reggie. I prepared them for the fact that Kate often sleeps late and that I needed to be flexible regarding our meeting time. I was quite surprised when I got back to the room after breakfast to find that she was up and preparing for her shower. That was about 8:30. As I have done in the past, I made a sign telling her that we were in the Residence Inn in Raleigh, that I had gone to breakfast and would be “back soon.” This time it didn’t work. I put the sign right next to the clothes I had selected for her. I figured (incorrectly) that she would see the sign if she got up before my return. I was only gone about 20 minutes. When I asked if she had seen the sign, she said, “What sign?” I showed it to her. She had no recollection. I have no idea if she missed the sign or forgot that she had seen and read it. The good news is that she wasn’t worried that I was not there. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t see me when she gets up everyday has developed a comfort level. I don’t know. It’s another one of those things that is impossible to know. She can’t tell me how she felt, and I can’t get inside her brain to see for myself.

Because she was up early, we had a little time before meeting the Stones shortly for lunch after 11:30, so we stopped at a nearby Panera (of course). Between the time we left the hotel and the time we met Dot and Reggie, Kate continually asked me to tell her their names. I would tell her. She would try to repeat them. Then I would tell her again and so on. At one point, she got confused and thought we were also meeting our children, so she also asked their names. When I told her we wouldn’t see Kevin and Jesse, she was relieved. She seemed nervous enough about getting together with the Stones that adding the children seemed overwhelming. In situations like this, I almost always tell her that it isn’t important for her to remember the names, but she worries nonetheless.

It turned out we all had a good time and enjoyed good meals with a terrific tiramisu for dessert. It had been years since we had been together, but we picked up right where we left off.. It would be no surprise to people who know us that Dot and I talked more than Kate and Reggie, but I was pleased they contributed their part to the conversation as well.

After lunch, we went back to Dot and Reggie’s place. They have lived in a continuing care community for five years. I was interested in hearing about their decision, the move, and overall how they felt about being there. They have a very nice two-bedroom apartment overlooking a beautiful stand of trees. Kate and I both admired the view from their living room and the adjoining balcony.

I had not planned on our staying too long, but Kate seemed to be getting along so well that we were there until about 4:00. That’s a long time for Kate to stay engaged. By the time, we left she was tired. It was a successful visit. In a brief conversation with Reggie after lunch and an exchange of text messages last night with Dot, it looks like the Stone’s impression was similar to my own. I thought Kate engaged her social skills beautifully. I also think Dot did some things to bring Kate into the conversation. She showed us pictures from their wedding 25 years ago. It was interesting to see how young we all looked at that time. Kate was particularly drawn to pictures of their granddaughter. As I have mentioned before, she loves children, and the granddaughter is adorable. That’s a winning combination.

We came back to the room for little over an hour before going to dinner. We didn’t need much after our lunch, but that didn’t make any difference in our eating last night. Once again, we topped off the meal with a dessert. This time it was Key lime cheesecake.

Today we will meet Reggie for lunch. Dot has an obligation at church and will join us a little later. Then we’ll go to visit another friend whom Kate has known since our undergraduate days at TCU. We’ll have dinner with her this evening and return to Knoxville tomorrow.

Posted on

Reflecting on Travel

As I noted in my previous post, our trip to Texas went well. We had a good time with our son and his family as well as Kate’s brother and his wife. On top of that we didn’t have any bad experiences. I wish I could say that about other trips we have taken. During or after several previous trips, I made changes in our future travel plans. For example, after a wonderful trip to Switzerland in 2015, I decided that would be our last international trip. In June 2015, we took our son and daughter and three grandsons to New York City. It, too, was a great trip, but I decided Kate and I would not return. In January 2016, we took a cruise to the Caribbean that led me to cancel a subsequent cruise I had booked for that May. One of the hardest decisions of all was one I made last summer when we made our thirteenth visit to Chautauqua, NY. I felt it was best that we make that our last one.

Any kind of travel requires a certain amount of adjustment. Being in a place that is different means having to meet the demands of different schedules and routines. All of the normal issues are compounded when one is traveling with a person who has dementia. Much of that involves packing the right clothes and medicines, getting to the airport on time, going through security, and boarding the plane. Restrooms add another set of problems. Renting cars or using taxis, trains, or buses represent more potential trouble.

These complications have to be balanced against the pleasure of the travel itself. In each instance where I decided to cease that particular travel, I decided the potential costs outweighed the benefits. For example, the cruise I canceled was a two-week cruise from Barcelona to Amsterdam. It was clear from the January cruise to the Caribbean that Kate did not enjoy some of the things she had enjoyed on other cruises. That included the nightly entertainment. She didn’t attend a single night. She also found it challenging to engage in conversation with the people we sat with at each evening meal. In addition, I lost her for about 30 minutes on the pier where our ship was docked in St. Thomas. I didn’t want to think about the possibility of losing her while we were off the ship at one of the ports in the Mediterranean.

Our trip to Texas has led me to think a little more about the role that familiarity or lack of familiarity plays in the stress and enjoyment of travel. Throughout our marriage Kate and I have been pretty bold about traveling to unfamiliar territory. When our children were 4 and 2, we took the children with us on a 6-week trip to Europe, 3 weeks in Spain and 3 weeks in France. We went without a specific itinerary or hotel arrangements except for a hotel in Madrid when we arrived and a hotel in Nice 3 weeks later. Not only that, but our two-year-old was in cloth diapers, and we didn’t stay in a single hotel with a bathroom in our room. We did have a sink that Kate used to wash diapers each day.

Even though Kate does not remember where she is when she is at home in Knoxville, she is accustomed to certain routines like going to restaurants, getting her nails done, going to musical events, etc. Travel throws her into a set of things that are either new or forgotten. That places more responsibility on me to manage her. I find that increasingly stressful. Upon our return home, I immediately felt a sense of relief. That’s not because I have any less responsibility for Kate. I believe it relates to the greater familiarity with our surroundings. I have greater control over our whole situation. I have a better sense of the options should we encounter a problem. The good news is that I feel somewhat the same way when we arrive at the home of a family member, it is easier for me. It’s getting there and back that is the big issue.

The success of this past week’s trip leads me to believe there is a good chance that we will be able to return to Lubbock for Thanksgiving. Of course, that is six months away. If Kate’s decline continues as it has in the past few months, I might change my mind.

Posted on

Travel Day 7: San Angelo to Lubbock

A week ago today, Kate and I left on our trip that brought us to Lubbock and San Angelo after an overnight stop in Nashville. I am glad to report that the trip went well. I had planned the trip since our last visit here in January. On that trip we were able to spend very little time with Kate’s brother and his wife. Knowing that future trips may not be possible, I felt this was an important one.

It was an especially good visit. We enjoyed being together with Ken and Virginia. It was a perfect blend of easy conversation mixed with visits to interesting places. One of those was the restaurant at which we had lunch yesterday. It is located along the Concho River Walk. It was a beautiful day to be overlooking the river.

We said our goodbyes to them after lunch and made the drive back to Lubbock. The day was not over. We topped off our visit to Texas by getting together with our son and his family for dinner at our favorite BBQ place in Lubbock. We went back to their place where we played a game of Sorry before we came back to the hotel for the night. Kate gets very confused playing games; however, a game of chance like Sorry gives her an opportunity to shine. She did just that by winning.

As I have mentioned before, her recent sleep pattern has been more erratic than in the past. During the trip, she seems to have gravitated back to her old pattern. She has been getting to sleep somewhat later than normal but is getting up between 9:00 and 10:00. That seems to be a pretty good routine. During the trip, she has been completely off her Trazadone that was to aid her sleeping. I am happy to see her drop a medication.

Today, we fly back home via Nashville. No overnight this time. We arrive there about 6:10. We’ll get something to eat and then drive drive to Knoxville. Although Kate has been confused over people’s names and where we are, she hasn’t displayed any uneasiness that I can tell. Travel is more demanding than it was prior to Alzheimer’s, but we haven’t encountered any special problems like losing her in an airport as happened last fall. It’s been a week of special moments with family. Our trip has been a success.

Posted on

Whoops!

As I have often said, Kate handles herself well in social situations and has done so since we arrived here in San Angelo. Before she got up yesterday morning, Ken, Virginia, and I talked about how well she is doing. Of course, she slips up occasionally. That occurred last evening when we left our table at the restaurant and moved to an adjoining coffee shop. Ken and I went to the counter to order our dessert while Kate and Virginia selected a table. I should add that we have known Virginia since 1993 when she and Ken got married. Later Virginia told me that Kate said, “How do you know Ken?” Virginia answered, “He is my husband. I am his wife, Virginia.” She said Kate’s face lit up and she said, “I’ve heard your name. I’ve heard such wonderful things about you. I am so glad to put a face with the name.” Although some might focus on the sad aspects of memory loss at at time like this, Virginia celebrated the moment with Kate who was so happy to meet her (again). When Virginia told the the story, I felt the same way.  It makes me happy to know she can experience such special moments.

She had a similar experience when we first arrived on Tuesday. She saw the photo album Ken had sent to her about ten days ago. She went through it two or three times. Each time she experienced it as though it were her first time to see it. Each time she showed Ken and Virginia a page with their wedding picture.

Posted on

Travel Days 5 and 6: San Angelo

We left Lubbock on Tuesday right after an early lunch and drove to San Angelo where we are spending two nights with Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia. We arrived in time to have a pleasant afternoon in their home catching up on the happenings in our lives since we were last with them in January. We didn’t have much time together on that occasion. That is why I wanted to arrange another visit. Given the changes Kate has been making over the past few months, I’m not sure if we will be able to make it back again. Virginia fixed dinner using two popular recipes of Kate’s and Ken’s mother, chicken spaghetti and asparagus casserole. It was a perfect way to celebrate being together again.

Yesterday we spent the morning at home. Kate slept a good bit. She joined us about 10:30. We looked at some old family photos and chatted more before going out to lunch. We relaxed at home during the afternoon and went out for a nice meal at a restaurant overlooking the area near their home.

She continues to forget where we are. She woke up around 4:00 a.m. yesterday and went to the bathroom. When she returned, she said she was going upstairs. Ken and Virginia live in a single-story home. I told her we were at Ken and Virginia’s. She said, “What are we doing here?” I explained that we were visiting a couple of days after having spent a few days with Kevin and his family.

Despite this confusion, she has enjoyed herself. Both nights, we watched a DVD on the history of Fort Worth. Since that is where Kate and Ken are from, and I lived there while a student at TCU, it was of special interest to us.

This afternoon we return to Lubbock where we will have dinner with Kevin and his family. We will spend the night and then fly out to Knoxville tomorrow.

Posted on

Travel Day 4: Lubbock

Yesterday we had a shorter than usual morning. At least I did. I didn’t get up until 7:00 and Kate didn’t get up until 9:15. By the time Kate was ready to get something for breakfast, it was almost 11:00, so we skipped Panera. Instead we dropped by a Starbucks that is one block away from the restaurant where we were to meet Kevin, Rachel, and Brian. Kate, Brian, and I decided to visit the National Ranching Heritage Center during the afternoon. Kevin had a conference call to make before then. That meant that we didn’t get away until almost 2:30. I think all three of us enjoyed the museum. It was especially engaging for Kate. I am sure she couldn’t understand all that she read or that I read for her, but she tried to take it all in. Quite a few times she turned to me and said, “I want to remember that.” That’s what she says when she wants me to be responsible for remembering something she wants to include in her family photo album. Of course, she hasn’t done any work on the album for two to three years. I know she won’t ever get to it again, but I always tell her I will remember “it” for her. We left the museum through a different door than the one we used to enter. When we walked by the entrance, Kate noticed it and acted like she wanted to go in. I hesitated in responding. Then she said, “Have we already been there?” I told her we had. I didn’t tell her we had just walked out of it.

This was a day when she didn’t ask me to remind her of a single name. She either remembers the names (unlikely) or has learned that she doesn’t have to remember the names in order to participate in our conversations. She did ask several times where we are or where she is. One of those times we were with Kevin. When I told her we were in Lubbock, she said, “So we’re not in Fort Worth.”

We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner.  Kevin, Kate, and I arrived at the restaurant first. Kate wanted to use the restroom. I took her there. She asked me to “stay right here” outside the door to the restroom. I only recall her asking me to do this one or two other times. She obviously recognizes her difficulty getting back to our table. We had a good meal. From there we came back to our hotel. For the second night in a row, we sat in the courtyard. It was a good way to end another nice day.

Posted on

Travel Day 3: Mother’s Day

Kate had a nice Mother’s Day with our son, Kevin, and his family. We joined them for lunch at a down home hamburger place that was a stereotypical Texas kind of place. I pulled into a parking space, and Kate said, “We must be in Texas.” I said, “What makes you say that.” She said, “All the Texas license plates.” It’s easy to assume that she is not processing much of what is going on around her, but this is a good reminder that her brain is still working. As she sometimes says, “Don’t count me out yet.”

After lunch, we went back to Kevin and Rachel’s house where we watched the Celtics trounce the Cavaliers. Rachel’s parents live just outside of Lubbock and came in for dinner at another Texas-style restaurant located in the house and barn of an old ranch. I had the chicken fried steak while Kate had her preferred variation, the chicken fried chicken. Kevin and Rachel brought red roses to their mothers.

Kate and I came back to the hotel where we sat outside in the courtyard. There was a nice breeze that was welcome following a high temperature in the low-90s in the afternoon. We were the only guests enjoying this pleasant evening. I suppose they were thinking it must still be hot.

Kate continued to work on her iPad as she did most of the afternoon when we were at Kevin’s. She would be lost without it. I am glad she has something that she can still do almost entirely on her own. Periodically, she accidentally hits a button that takes her to the store to buy new puzzles. I have to get her out. Otherwise, she works the puzzles on her own.

The other day on our flight, I watched her moving puzzle pieces around as she tried to put each one in its proper place. This is not an easy thing for her. She doesn’t seem to clearly differentiate pieces for the edge from those for the puzzle’s interior nor does she consider the shapes or colors. It appears that she completes the puzzles solely by trial and error. It takes her a long time, and most of the puzzles have only 16 pieces. You can set them to many more pieces, but it is quite difficult when the pieces are very small. I started setting them to 16. When she reworks them, that is how they are set when she opens them. The other thing I noticed is that she sometimes works the same puzzle several times in succession. Of course, given her memory problems, that should not surprise me. It definitely does not bother.

Although she asked me for the names of Rachel’s parents a number of times, Kate didn’t express any of the trepidation I observed the previous night when we met Kevin and Brian. I think she has gotten more comfortable with her surroundings.

One of the characteristics she has developed since her diagnosis is to more positively evaluate just about everything. People are smarter and nicer. Food and live theater productions are better. And hotels like the Residence Inn are viewed as higher quality than she would have said before Alzheimer’s. She really likes it here. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone trust her assessment of the things she likes, but it is pleasant to be with someone who is so positive about life. I like that.

About 9:15, we came inside and got ready for bed. Kate commented about how relaxing it had been to sit outside for an hour or so. She was right. It is also true that the period of time between our coming home from dinner and going to bed is always a very relaxing time for us.

Once we were back in the room, she talked about how good she felt about our marriage. She expressed a generous amount of appreciation for what I do for her. (Remember what I said in the previous paragraph. She does have a tendency to exaggerate on the positive side of most things; nevertheless, it is nice to be on the receiving end of praise.) It was a good Mother’s Day, and I felt as though she had treated me like it was Father’s Day.

Posted on

Rehearsing Names on Mother’s Day

Kate was up and ready for breakfast at 9:30 this morning. That is earlier than I expected given that she didn’t get to sleep until about 10:30 last night. As we walked down the hall to the breakfast area, I told her that our daughter had sent her a text this morning. She said, “What’s her name?” I said, “Jesse.”

I selected a table and went to the buffet to get her some juice and yogurt. She has been working puzzles on her iPad. A few minutes ago, I showed her the text from Jesse. It said, “I love you, Mom.” She said, “That’s sweet.” Then she asked, “What’s her name?” I told her, and she asked her boys’ names. I told her. Then she said, “What’s my mother’s name?”

She displayed some confusion while dressing this morning, but I don’t think it was significantly different from what happens at home. To make dressing easier when we are traveling, I put out her clothes (from underwear to shoes and socks) for her. I wish that prevented misplacing things or putting her clothes on backwards, but it doesn’t. Caregivers talk a lot about the challenges we face, but I don’t think it compares to what our loved ones experience. And Kate faces them with few outward expressions of frustration. I think she is remarkable.