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Happy Moments

If you’re among the regular readers of this blog, you know that Kate and I are regulars at Panera every morning. She always gets a blueberry muffin, but that’s not the real reason we are here. (Yes, we are here as I write.) It’s the social experience that draws us. For example, just a few minutes ago, a neighbor stopped by our table to say hello. She and her husband had just gotten back from Texas and had been to several places with which Kate and I are quite familiar. (Having grown up in Fort Worth, Kate always enjoys conversations about her home state. That interest has been especially pronounced during the years since her diagnosis. I think it’s the emotional connection to old memories that makes the difference.) Our conversation was brief, but it was a “happy moment” in our morning.

Last week we had a more unusual moment with a customer we had never seen before. She was eating at a table right across from ours. I hadn’t paid much attention to her. I was working on my computer as I often do when we are here. In fifteen minutes or so, she got up to leave. She stopped at our table and said, “I don’t come here very often, but I wanted you to know that I’ve been getting positive vibes as I watched the two of you.” We thanked her and told her that we were going to celebrate our 50th anniversary in May and said that we are a happy couple. After she walked away from the table, I got up and walked outside to speak to her before she got into her car. I told her about Kate’s Alzheimer’s and that a major reason we come here is for social encounters like the one we had just had with her. I thanked her for stopping to speak and being a part of our day.

Social isolation can be a big problem for couples who are living with Alzheimer’s. I am grateful that we can still get out to enjoy happy moments like these. We have them every day.

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Live Performances and Social Occasions

As noted in my previous post, we were at Casa Bella for Opera Thursday the other night. Once again, we had a great evening. The program and the singers were especially especially talented. For me, the most important thing is that Kate thoroughly enjoyed it. I haven’t seen any signs that her love for live performances has lessened in the least. On the contrary, it seems to be one of the highlights of her life.

It was a good social occasion as well. By now, our connections with others who are in attendance as well as the servers and, especially, the couple with whom we share a table each time make for a good evening. Kate is not talkative at occasions like this. I think it can be challenging for her because of the number of people who are talking. Sometimes it calls for a little patience as well as assertiveness. The other night, for the first time, she became frustrated and displayed it.

Like most of those in attendance, Kate and I arrive about an hour before the musical program begins. That gives us time to have our meal and enjoy greeting others as they arrive. One of the other guests came to our table to speak to the couple we sit with. We got into a conversation about someone else who has just had heart surgery. When he walked away, the man and woman with whom we sit continued to talk about the man who had had surgery. Kate couldn’t understand what we were talking about but must have recognized it was serious. She tried to get us to explain, but the man and the woman at our table were both talking simultaneously. It really was hard to focus on just one. Kate shouted, “What’s going on. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” With all the conversation going on at other tables, no one else is likely to have heard her, just the couple we sit with. They couldn’t have missed it.

This is only third time that I can recall her doing anything like this. The two other occasions were with good friends and occurred about two or three years ago. In each case, our friends thought her response was more shocking than I did. They were both correct that her behavior was out of character for her. I would say her response at Casa Bella was stronger than the other two times. In this case, I think it arose because of the level of frustration she experienced when she couldn’t understand what we were talking about. I’m sure she could tell it was something serious and may have felt shut out of the conversation. The good thing is that after her remark, she was just fine, and we continued to enjoy the evening as though nothing had happened. Like so many other things, it does make me wonder if I am going to see more of this kind of reaction in the future.

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Kevin’s Visit: Day 4

Kate and I have enjoyed each day Kevin has been with us. Yesterday was an especially good day. It is interesting that music played a role in making this a day to remember, but it wasn’t just any music. It was music played by Kevin and his former piano teacher, Marian Covington. On two of his previous visits, we have paid a visit to see her. She will be 90 in June and still plays beautifully. She made her debut in Carnegie Hall when she was around 19 and has spent her entire adult life teaching piano. She has always been especially fond of Kevin who was one of her star pupils for many years.

During his college days at TCU, he focused more on the organ than piano and has served as organist and interim organist at several churches over the years. With the growth of his family and his involvement with his career, he has played much less. Marian has encouraged him to practice so that they he might play for her on another visit. This time he had worked on Debussy’s “Clair de Lune.” He played it for her and then invited her to play it. She took the opportunity to give him another piano lesson.

The music they played was beautiful. Kate loved it. So did I, and we were both touched to watch the two of them talk about the pieces. They were two people sharing a common bond with the music of the piano. Kate kept commenting on the way in which Marian spoke to Kevin. It wasn’t just that of a teacher speaking to a student. It was more like one colleague discussing music with another colleague. Another comparison would be that of a private master class with a mentor and her protégé. Kate was so proud of Kevin and the way he has grown. As I sometimes say, Kate is not moved by as many things these days. When something like this happens, I am moved to see her so engaged. It was a wonderful afternoon.

Though clearly the highlight of our day, there were other good experiences. We had lunch at our church with the seniors group. Today, a retired rabbi spoke to us about Jerusalem focusing on archeological findings. We had met him some years before at the home of our friends, Ellen and Gordon Seacrest. We had a good conversation with him before his presentation. Coincidentally, we also saw him at dinner this evening and got to see his wife.

Kate handled herself well again with this group. In particular, she participated actively in our conversation with the rabbi and with a former Methodist minister who are friends of ours. She was just as natural as she could be. No one who didn’t already know about her diagnosis would have ever guessed.

This visit Kevin has been able to observe some of Kate’s symptoms that I have told him about. That includes his missing clothes as well as a number of other little things. He also saw her express some irritation with me and her growing openness about not remembering things. As we left a conversation with our friend, the former Methodist minister, she said with a little frustration, “I don’t know why I can’t remember his name.” I sloughed it off in the same way that many others do. I said, “Remembering names can be hard. Everyone has trouble.” At this point, I don’t see any good reason to remind her that she has Alzheimer’s and that it will only get worse.” At dinner, she asked me to stop talking and give her a simple explanation of something I was telling her. Just as important, he has been able to see how well she can function despite the many symptoms of her disease.

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What does it mean to know someone?

Yesterday afternoon we attended a memorial service for a former member of my Sunday school class. At the reception afterwards, another friend approached me and said that she had spoken with Kate. She said, “She seemed to recognize me, or is she just good at pretending?” I said, “Well, she is very gifted in social situations, and I am so glad that she is. It means she is able to function much better than one might expect.” This exchange brings to mind something to which I have alluded several times before. People often want to know “Will she know me?” Or “Did she really know me?” The answer depends on what one means by “know me.”

What does it mean to know someone? I have known the woman whose memorial service was yesterday afternoon for at least ten to twelve years, yet I learned things about her in the service I had never known at all. Did I know her? I would say “yes,” although there were many things I did not know about her.

When Kate and I are out various places, we run into people I have known through my business. I would say that I know them. That is, I recognize them as someone I have worked with and often know their names and a little bit about them – the organization they are with and the position they held. On the other hand, I can’t say that I know them well. There are plenty of times I recognize someone but can’t call the name. There are also a few occasions when I can’t recall the name or the connection that we have had.

I think when people wonder if Kate knows them, it is that kind of knowing they are talking about. They wonder if Kate recognizes them and remembers the connection they have had in the past, not necessarily the name. What I know about Kate is that she will almost never remember the name of a person she meets. For her, and, I suspect other people with dementia, that is the first thing to go. Think about it, that is a common experience for those of us who don’t have dementia.

On the other hand, when we meet people in public situations, we can pick up non-verbal cues that do communicate that this is someone we know. We respond with a degree of familiarity even if we can’t recall the specific connection – church, work, a place we exercise, etc.

That is exactly what happens with Kate a good bit of the time. The best illustration would be with family members. When we are together, she remembers them and that they are family. In particular, I believe she still recognizes our children in this way, but she is beginning to lose the connection with their names. The grandchildren are different. Her history with them is much shorter. We don’t see them regularly. And they are growing up and changing all the time. In this case, I am sure that she knows she should know them, but she has lost the connection except when they are in their own homes. That provides a cue that she needs to make the connection.

I also know that Kate is losing her memory for people even in this “emotional” sense. She encounters more situations now in which she has no idea who the people are who are greeting her warmly. Her social skill comes into play at this point. She knows the appropriate responses.

So going back to my friend at the reception. Did Kate know her? I suspect not. I suspect that she simply responded to the person in the same natural way that she responds to anyone she meets. To that person, it seems that she knows them. That makes me happy.

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More Signs of Insecurity and Withdrawal

Last night we attended a choral concert at First Presbyterian. After the concert. they held a reception that we attended. I noticed once again that Kate would just walk away when I was talking with someone that both of us know. As I have noted before, I think this comes from a lessening ability to talk about many things, but I also believe it happens because she recognizes fewer people. She seems to walk away as an escape. At one point while I was talking with someone about the flooding at his house during our recent storm, she took a seat in a chair by herself. Fortunately, someone came over to her and they engaged in a conversation. Then it was time for us to go. As we left, Kate asked who that was she had been talking to. She did recognize her as a friend of Ellen’s. I suspect the person may have mentioned Ellen in the conversation. Then as we walked out of the church, she put her arm around my waist and said, “I need you.” I said, “And I am right here.”

Yesterday afternoon Kate worked in the yard. I called her in about 45 minutes before I felt we needed to leave for dinner and the concert. I had told her a little earlier where we were going. I reminded her when I went out to get her. When she got dressed, she was dressed more informally than I thought she should. She asked me if she met my approval. That led into a comment or two about where we were going. She hadn’t remembered at all. When I reminded her, she felt she should change. Even though I believed she was dressed too informally, I told her she was all right. She could tell my heart wasn’t in it. Ultimately, she changed, but the top she was wearing was soiled in several places from cosmetic stains. Later I noticed that her slacks were also soiled.

That reminds me that something new is that she is beginning to make a habit of asking me about the clothes she wears when we are going to something a little more special like last night. She did not do so last night, however. It is clear that she is releasing her independence a bit by soliciting my opinion on her clothes.

She also commented to me this week that she wants to please me. This came after she had gotten ready on time when we were going someplace.

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Signs of Insecurity

For some time I have been aware that Kate seems somewhat less secure in social situations than she used to. I don’t mean that she verbally expresses any stress but that she seems not to talk as much. I attribute this to her not remembering many things. In addition, she has difficulty explaining things are describing events. More recently, however, I am seeing increasing signs. Today, for example, we attended a PEO book chat. Although she clearly wanted to go, she didn’t make any effort to get herself ready until I prompted her to do so. As it turned out, we were 20 minutes late. While we were there, she greeted people, but she was mostly somewhat removed from conversation. I just think it is too hard for her. In one instance, I got into a conversation with a women from whom she buys cosmetics. We talked for at least 5 minutes while Kate stood about 10 feet away by herself, apparently waiting for me to finish. Looking back I think she may not have recognized the woman.

Go to and coming from the event, Kate told me several times how much she appreciated my going with her. This is really the thing that makes me feel she is having some insecurity in such situations. Just before we got in the car a woman from UT called to Kate, and they talked a few moments. When they had finished, she asked me who that was. I told her that was one of the people with whom she worked on the PEO grant program.

She is outside right now pruning her plants. This continues frequently when the weather permits. Before she went out, I mentioned that working outside was her therapy. She said, “It is. I mean it really is.”

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Signs of Distraction, Not Noticing Things

I got home a short time ago from donating platelets. It had been almost 4 hours since I left the house. Kate had been outside working in the flower beds at least 30 minutes before I left. I stopped as I drove in the driveway where she was working and asked if the heater man came while I was gone. It was a dumb question as I knew that he was on the way when I left. In addition, I called the company as I was leaving the Red Cross to give them my credit card information to pay for the services. In other words, I knew that he had been here. When I asked Kate the question, she looked puzzled and said, “I don’t know.” Then she asked me what he was doing. I told her he was here to fix the heater. (We had not had heat since returning from Memphis. The weather had not required heat or cooling until today when it was 38 this morning after 40 degrees the previous morning.) She looked puzzled again and tried to think. I told her I knew that he had come, and that I had talked with the office. She then said, “Yeah, I let him in the back.” This is another example of how faulty her memory can be and/or how little attention she pays to things. I believe both things are happening all the time. The important part of this is helping me try to understand how she must be feeling about things. She must feel less and less a part of things going on all around her. It is a withdrawal from life that I am witnessing.

Some of this keeps her from feeling a sense of anticipation about doing different things. Although I knew she wanted to attend Tina’s granddaughter’s wedding, she expressed very little enthusiasm as the time approached. In fact, I had no sense that she was ever thinking about the wedding except when I mentioned it as I did frequently.

Earlier today it dawned on me that I don’t believe I have mentioned anything (or much) about Kate’s moving things that are mine and putting them in places where I can’t easily find them. This morning I was looking for a box of business envelopes that I bought 6-8 weeks ago. I was replacing some that I used to keep here in a drawer in the kitchen (which subs as my office). They disappeared so I bought a new box. When I opened the drawer, they were not there. I went to Kate and asked if she knew anything about them or where I might look to find them. She had absolutely no recollection of them at all. I went to her office and started looking in places that I thought she might have put them. I opened a draw of a table that is by her chair in her office. I found a stack of envelopes that had disappeared earlier; so I took what I needed. I didn’t even try to explain that I didn’t find the ones that had just disappeared but the earlier ones. I simply said that I had found them. This is just one of a number of instances in which she has moved things that are mine.

Last night was our first meeting of the new year for our music club. Kate had been resting for an hour or so when I reminded her about the meeting. She was very lethargic. It was clear that she was not eager to attend. I asked her if she would like to stay home. She said no. At the social hour after the meeting, she seemed to be alone a good bit, but she did talk with several people including the pianist who performed for us. When we got home she said how much she had enjoyed being there. Fortunately, it appears that she gets some pleasure out of the activity of doing things like this even when she doesn’t want to do them in advance. I have noticed this on quite a few other occasions.

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Time for the Wedding

We spent a delightful morning and early afternoon with Tina driving to a beautiful park and having a picnic lunch. After dropping Her off at her place, I decided to check out the directions to the reception. We are back at our B&B and will stay here for a while before going to the wedding at 4:00.

Kate has been tired most of the day. The primary indicator has been that she has been rather quiet with Tina. She has been almost completely silent with me. She has acted like she is very bored. Earlier today when we were going to get Tina, she asked me where we were going. I told her, and she asked, ”And then are we going home?” I reminded her that we would go to the wedding and then to home of the groom’s parents for the reception. She seemed disappointed that I didn’t say that we were going home.

While on the drive to reception, we approached a rock wall similar to those in New England. I pointed it out to Kate. She said, “I notice it every time we drive by it.” This is the first time we had been anywhere close to this spot. Another Deja vu experience.

When we sat down in the living area of our B&B, she asked me where we were going from here. I told her to the wedding and then to the reception. She made no response. She is lying down beside me on the sofa resting. I plan for us to remain here for another 10-15 minutes. Then we will go on to the wedding. Her being so tired makes me wonder about our cruise for next May. I think going all that way to Europe for a cruise may not make any sense if she needs to rest most of the time.