Yesterday afternoon we attended a memorial service for a former member of my Sunday school class. At the reception afterwards, another friend approached me and said that she had spoken with Kate. She said, “She seemed to recognize me, or is she just good at pretending?” I said, “Well, she is very gifted in social situations, and I am so glad that she is. It means she is able to function much better than one might expect.” This exchange brings to mind something to which I have alluded several times before. People often want to know “Will she know me?” Or “Did she really know me?” The answer depends on what one means by “know me.”
What does it mean to know someone? I have known the woman whose memorial service was yesterday afternoon for at least ten to twelve years, yet I learned things about her in the service I had never known at all. Did I know her? I would say “yes,” although there were many things I did not know about her.
When Kate and I are out various places, we run into people I have known through my business. I would say that I know them. That is, I recognize them as someone I have worked with and often know their names and a little bit about them – the organization they are with and the position they held. On the other hand, I can’t say that I know them well. There are plenty of times I recognize someone but can’t call the name. There are also a few occasions when I can’t recall the name or the connection that we have had.
I think when people wonder if Kate knows them, it is that kind of knowing they are talking about. They wonder if Kate recognizes them and remembers the connection they have had in the past, not necessarily the name. What I know about Kate is that she will almost never remember the name of a person she meets. For her, and, I suspect other people with dementia, that is the first thing to go. Think about it, that is a common experience for those of us who don’t have dementia.
On the other hand, when we meet people in public situations, we can pick up non-verbal cues that do communicate that this is someone we know. We respond with a degree of familiarity even if we can’t recall the specific connection – church, work, a place we exercise, etc.
That is exactly what happens with Kate a good bit of the time. The best illustration would be with family members. When we are together, she remembers them and that they are family. In particular, I believe she still recognizes our children in this way, but she is beginning to lose the connection with their names. The grandchildren are different. Her history with them is much shorter. We don’t see them regularly. And they are growing up and changing all the time. In this case, I am sure that she knows she should know them, but she has lost the connection except when they are in their own homes. That provides a cue that she needs to make the connection.
I also know that Kate is losing her memory for people even in this “emotional” sense. She encounters more situations now in which she has no idea who the people are who are greeting her warmly. Her social skill comes into play at this point. She knows the appropriate responses.
So going back to my friend at the reception. Did Kate know her? I suspect not. I suspect that she simply responded to the person in the same natural way that she responds to anyone she meets. To that person, it seems that she knows them. That makes me happy.
