Posted on

Good Moods Make for Good Days

In my previous post I failed to note that Kate was in an especially good mood yesterday. I am sure that played a significant role in my own sense that we had had such a nice day. It is not that she is usually irritable. She does continue to show more irritability than before her Alzheimer’s, but those moments don’t last long, and, fortunately, at those times she is not difficult to get along with. That said, sometimes she is especially happy and cooperative. That is the way she was yesterday.

She also continues to be reflecting or thinking a lot. Over the course of her illness she has occasionally said something that sounds like we had just been talking about something and expects me to know what she is talking about. There were a couple of those experiences yesterday. She said, “I’m going to be very careful.” Instead of acting puzzled and asking what she was talking about, I said, “That’s a good idea.” She said, “I’m going to stick close to you whenever we are in public.” I told her I would watch out for her. She said, “I know you will. I feel safe when I am with you.”

When she says things like this, as she has done in recent weeks, I tend to impute more to her actions than may be justified. In this case (as in others recently), I believe that she is grappling with a sense that she is less and less in touch with her environment and the people around her. It may be her way of expressing her own insecurity. Overall, she seems not to associate her challenges with her diagnosis, but she still knows she is not normal.

Posted on

More Confusion and Recognition of It

It has been another nice day with our son’s family. It is Sunday, so they went to church this morning. I chose not to go thinking it would be good to let Kate get up leisurely and have a relaxing morning. Kevin called us after church, and we met him and his family at a local hamburger place for lunch. Then we came back to the house for the afternoon. We watched a couple of football games. Kate worked puzzles on her iPad. She did rather well, but I could tell she would have liked a change of scenery. When I asked if she would like to go back to the hotel, she said no. Thus we stayed at the house until time to leave for their annual Christmas Eve church service. We attended with them as we have done in the past. We came back to the house and had chili that Rachel had made. Then we came back to the hotel where Kate quickly got ready for bed. She didn’t even work on her iPad and was asleep in no time.

Despite having a nice day, Kate continued to be confused about where we are. I know she must have asked me almost ten times. That began this morning when we went to the car to go to Panera. She asked, “Where are we?” She asked again as we were leaving and also as we were leaving lunch. When we got back to Kevin’s house after lunch, she got out of the car and started pulling leaves from a shrub in front of the house. She had pulled only a few when I told her I thought we should go inside. Yesterday afternoon at Kevin’s she had said, “I can pull a few leaves.” It was a statement but really a question. I told her this was Kevin’s house and that might not be a good idea. She accepted that without a problem.

Tonight when we got out of the car at the church, she pulled me aside and asked, “Where are we?” I told her we were in Lubbock. She said something about knowing that. I told her she could ask me as many times as she wanted. She said, “And you don’t even make fun of me.”

Apart from the confusion, Kate has seemed melancholy. I noticed the first signs during the church service after we had sung “The First Noel.” After that it appeared that she wiped a tear from her eye. I asked if she were all right. Of course, she said she was. She enjoyed the service. It involved a lot of music. She especially liked a quartet’s version of “O Holy Night.”

We left Kevin’s right after dinner. After we got in the car, she asked if we were in Fort Worth. I told her we were in Lubbock. Then before I got out of the drive, she asked again. When I told her Lubbock, she said, “I don’t know why I keep forgetting that.”

In the car on the way back to the hotel, she said, “I know one thing; I am glad I married you.” I told her I was glad to have married her. I told her I wanted her to know she could count on me. She said, “I know that.” Back at the hotel, she seemed very dependent and appreciative of the ways in which I help her. Before getting into bed, she gave me a hug and said, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” I said, “Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I will always be with you.” She said, “I know.”

Her mood makes me think that she is recognizing her loss of memory. I doubt that she is associating it with her Alzheimer’s, but I believe she knows something is wrong. She is feeling more dependent on me. I think traveling brings this out because she has no idea where we are or where things are around the hotel room. Several times she has asked me where the bathroom is. Since I have packed her clothes, she has no idea what things I have brought for her, or where they are. There is good reason she is confused. My deeper concern is that this confusion is not just a result of being in strange places but that it represents a sign of further decline. I fear what things will be like in the next few months. I hope my fears are unfounded.

Posted on

Another Mood Change

I have mentioned before that Kate is particularly sensitive to lots of things like temperature, noise, music, etc. It seems to me that this sensitivity is even more noticeable now than in the past. It doesn’t take much to startle her. She often responds audibly to someone’s sneezing or coughing. I have to believe the people around us sometimes hear her reaction. She is frequently hot in the house and likes to have the overhead fans turned on regardless of the temperature. I compensate by wearing a sweater.

This morning she wasn’t in a particularly good mood when we went to Panera. It wasn’t long before she complained about a particular rendition of a favorite Christmas carol that was playing. After forty-five minutes, she asked when we could go home. She said it was too hot there. We left to come home. Since it was a little before 10:00 and too cold to work in the yard, I told her I would build a fire and put on some Christmas music. She seemed to like the idea but didn’t express great enthusiasm.

When we got home, and I had the fire going, I turned on the music, Handel’s Messiah. I had the volume too loud for her. It startled her. I turned it down to a more acceptable level. She came into the room and has been working on her iPad for almost an hour. She has enjoyed both the fire and the music. We are back on track now. I think we have averted any further problems, at least for a while. We will go to lunch in another thirty minutes or so. This afternoon we are going to the Bijou where they are putting on a production of Miracle on 34th Street. I expect that will provide another good experience.

Posted on

Mood Changes

The answer is (Do you remember the question? ) “yes.” Kate remembered and came out from her room dressed for dinner. She continued to seem very normal. In fact, I would say her mood was better than normal. She was nothing like she was when I first saw her this morning. She had her top on inside out, something that is very common. I told her about it, and she thanked me. We made our way to Chalupas, our favorite Mexican restaurant, where we sat quietly, enjoyed our meal and just being together. I treasure moments like these and wish they could occur more often. I know that is not possible; so I take special pleasure in each of these experiences and feel grateful that they continue to occur.

On the way home from the restaurant, Kate mentioned that she felt sleepy but didn’t want to go to sleep too early. Once arriving at home, she commented again about being sleepy. I took this immediately as a sign that the symptoms of whatever illness she has had the past few days might be returning. Fortunately, no other symptoms materialized

I suggested that I turn on the “PBS Newshour” in the bedroom while she got ready for bed and worked on her iPad. She mentioned that she would like to stay awake until 8:30. I don’t ever recall her being concerned about going to bed too early. I don’t think I have suggested it. I’m wondering what might have prompted this. At any rate, she put on a night gown and came into the bedroom to work on her iPad in her chair, not in bed. A little later, she indicated she was ready for bed. I pointed out that it was 8:28. She had made it to her own appointed bedtime. We ended the day on a high note.

Posted on

Travel and Confusion

Kate and I returned home from Asheville this afternoon. Since our arrival around 2:15, she has been outside. That’s two hours. I believe this will be therapeutic for her. I was not surprised to discover that her confusion continued this morning. This is even easier to understand because she woke up in a somewhat dark room without knowing where she was. After we got beyond that, it was obvious that she was not in a cheerful mood. My morning cheerfulness and expressions of love and affection were not welcome. She wasn’t mean-spirited at all. She just wanted quiet.

When she was dressed, I took her to the lobby for breakfast. She didn’t show much interest in anything but picked up a pastry. I pointed in the direction of a table and said, “Let’s sit at that table over there.” She obviously missed that and didn’t follow me to the table. I looked around and saw that she had taken a seat at another table close to where we had been standing. I brought her over to the table where I had put her breakfast. She didn’t converse much which is not unusual at all, but she just didn’t look cheerful. After breakfast, we decided to return to Knoxville without having lunch in Asheville.

As we drove out of town, I tried to cheer her up. I said something about our having had a good time and how much we had enjoyed the hotel, the meals, and the play. She wasn’t very responsive. Once on the highway, I reached across the console and put my hand on her leg. She lifted my hand up and pushed it away.

About an hour into the trip, she was restless. I decided to take a lunch break. I didn’t want to take a long time; so I stopped at Wendy’s. I asked her if she would like a chicken sandwich or a hamburger. She said, “I don’t care. Just order for me.” We sat quietly through lunch and then continued home. Although she didn’t say much, she appeared to be in a better mood when we reached home. It is unusual for her to be in a depressed mood this long. I am eager to see how she feels when she comes in for dinner.

Posted on

A Good Day

I always love to report that we have good days even 6 ½ years after Kate’s diagnosis. Of course, I wish that I could report this more often, but that is not realistic given the nature of Alzheimer’s. It is clear that Kate’s mood plays a significant part in making these days happen. From the very start of the day right until this moment, she has simply been in a good mood. We both have enjoyed the day. I have to say it wasn’t that we did anything special. It was that she was happy with everything we did. This reminds me of that of expression that success if not getting what makes you happy but being happy with what you get.

She was up earlier than usual this morning. About 8:30, I went back to the bedroom to see if she were still in bed. I found that she was not only up but dressed and just about ready to go to Panera. We were there before 9:00. She was happy on the way to Panera and throughout the time we were there. One of the people we see there frequently was by himself today and sat at a table across from us. We (he and I) talked for about an hour while Kate worked on her iPad. She never showed any boredom or eagerness to leave. About 10:30, she did indicate that she would like to go home and we did. Just before 11:30, I told her it was time for lunch. She came in right away, and we left for Carla’s where we usually go on Tuesday. From there we drove to the Acura dealer for routine servicing of my car. We were there about an hour and 20 minutes. Again, she was not restless. She simply worked on her iPad while I edited a slide show of photos taken during a 1976 trip to Colombia. We came right home, and she went back outside to work in the yard until I called her in to get ready for dinner.

She ate every bite of her dinner and commented on how good it was. We came home, and she changed into her night clothes and got ready for bed. She was still in a good mood.

Posted on

Another First (or Second) with Anger

Kate and I went to dinner and a movie tonight. The latter is a rarity for us now. I have not been scheduling anything at night beyond dinner for several months now. This time, however, The Flick, our favorite theater, had a Thai film that started at 7:00. It sounded intriguing, and I thought it was worth a try. During dinner, I was thinking about how well the visit with the sitter had gone. I also felt I should add another journal entry specifically about how good-natured Kate has been today. Right now I want to make it clear that she seemed remarkably agreeable and at ease. It was not only how she received the sitter but also how she responded to my help on getting her clothes to wear out this evening.

What I didn’t anticipate was how radically her mood would change as we left the movie. On the way to the car she mentioned how miserable she had been in the movie. I thought that was because she didn’t like the movie. It turned out that it was the result of not having paper napkins or some other paper product to Wipe the saliva from her mouth. I discovered this when I inquired as to why she had been so miserable. She let me know it was because she didn’t have any napkins. Then I made the fatal error of telling her that I wish she had told me because I had taken several napkins into the theater with me just in case she needed them. To my surprise that angered her because I had not offered them to her. I told her that I didn’t recognize that she had been miserable. She said I must not care for her very much if I didn’t notice her misery. I gave her a couple of napkins. “Too little, too late.”

In the car on the way home, she said in a very angry tone of voice, “And I have never exaggerated.” I told her I hadn’t said that. She said, “You certainly did just a little while ago.” I let it go because I could tell this was one of those instances in which she had had some kind of misperceptions (delusion) that I had done so, and it would do no good to argue. Later at home she expressed the strongest anger I have ever heard from her. Unprompted, she said, “I have never exaggerated about anything.” I told I knew that she never exaggerated. She didn’t say anything for a while. My impression was that she had gotten emotional over her salivation. She was burping and making other noises. In a few minutes, she came out of the bathroom with some toilet tissue that she was holding to her mouth. I told her I wished there were something I could do to help her. She looked at me and spoke in a gentle kind voice, “Oh, I’m fine.” She seems to be back to normal right now.

Posted on

Little Changes

Among the changes in Kate’s recent behavior, I have noticed changes in her mood. I had previously mentioned that she had had several days during which she was in an especially good mood and very cooperative. She seemed to accept just about any of my suggestions. Then she had a day when she was quite irritable. That didn’t last long, and we returned to our usual habits of a mixture of more neutral behavior with a few irritable moments when I make suggestions about things to wear or offer my hand when she is going up or down stairs or a curb. We had a good day in Asheville on Sunday. Then yesterday morning she was irritable without any precipitating action on my part. We had a lunch scheduled with several people from our bank. She was far from excited about that. She seemed to enjoy herself and chimed in several times to make fun of my talkativeness. This is something I didn’t mind at all. It was fun to see, and I think our friends at the bank felt the same way. It was, however, something she would not have done before her Alzheimer’s. It was one of those times that her brother refers to as speaking with his “filter turned off.” I’ve learned that he means that he is insensitive to the possible impropriety of his comments.

This morning as she was getting out of bed she asked me if she should make up the bed. I don’t ever recall her asking this before. The only thing I can relate it to is that she knows our housekeeper comes once a week and washes the sheets. On those days, she did not make up the bed. Over the past 2-3 years, she hasn’t regularly made up the bed on any day. This is worthy of comment although I don’t believe I have mentioned it before. Her mother had taught her to always make up the bed. She has done so throughout our marriage until Alzheimer’s. Another connection to asking me this question is that asking my advice, permission, or confirmation is becoming another of those little changes that are taking place. This one just surprised me.

When we returned from Panera this morning, she asked me if she should wear a cap when she went outside to pull leaves. This was the first time she has asked this. It is an overcast day. Perhaps, she was really asking herself if she needed a cap.

When we got home from lunch, she asked me if she could use the clippers while she was working outside. As always, I told her she could.

Posted on

Something New and Disturbing

A few minutes ago I left Kate in the bedroom working on her iPad while I went to the kitchen to check on something. As I left, I said, “I’m going to get ready for a shower in a few minutes.” When I came back, she had put the iPad on the ottoman of her chair and was watching the news on TV. She also had an angry look on her face. She said, “You told me to put that thing (the iPad) down and watch the news for a change.” I told her I hadn’t said that. She said, “Yes, you did. Don’t deny it.” I leaned down by chair and put my arm around her shoulder. I decided arguing wouldn’t get us anywhere. I told her I loved her and that she didn’t need to watch the news. She sat quietly fuming for a minute. Then she said, “I just get so tired of being so dependent on you. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without you. Here I am in my 70s and I’m treated like a child.” I repeated that I love her and told her I knew it was hard.” Then I asked if she would like to watch Golden Girls. She said, “I don’t care.” I turned off the news and now Golden Girls is playing. She is working on her iPad again.

Although she has talked any number of times about her not liking to be dependent on me, this is the first time she ever blamed me or took it out on me. I realize that she is likely to have forgotten this tomorrow, but I can’t help wondering if this signals a change in her outlook toward me. It comes just after a period of several days during which she has been unusually cheerful and cooperative. What a dramatic change she has made tonight.

The drama is now over. She just got up from her chair and said, “Well, Babe.” She didn’t sound angry at all. I asked if she were going to get something to wear to bed. She smiled and said she was. I told her I loved her, and she walked to her room. I hope she returns in the same state of mind in which she left.

Wow! This came at me from left field. To underscore how dramatic this was for me, this was the first time I have ever heard her express anger with me from the beginning of our marriage to now. She has expressed irritation frequently over the past few years, but this reaction was well beyond anything I have seen before. I am very glad that it has blown over and, hopefully, won’t return again.

When she returned from her room, she was just as pleasant as she has been for the past few days. It is as though the angry outburst never happened.

Posted on

Being Cooperative

In my recent entries I have paid particular attention to ways in which Kate has declined. One thing that I haven’t mentioned directly is that she has been unusually cooperative with me over the past few days. It isn’t that she is normally uncooperative, but she has held on to her independence and has expressed resistance to many things that I have done to help her. That involves things like offering her my hand when she is walking up or down steps, selecting clothes for her, or telling her about stains on here clothes. It also involves things like letting her know when it is time to go some place or how much time we have until we leave or whether we have a lot of time or whether we need to hurry.

Recently, she has not expressed the same degree of resistance or irritation. I don’t mean that it has disappeared, but that it is very noticeable that she has been much more agreeable in the past few days. I can’t help wondering if this might not be another indicator of her decline, that she is acknowledging her dependence on me and letting me take charge. I will also say that I have been increasingly respectful of her desire for independence and wonder if my own actions have been less threatening to her sense of independence.