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A Very Good Day

When I walked in the house yesterday afternoon, I found Kate and Mary seated in the family room. They were chatting though Kate had her iPad open to a puzzle she had been working on. I could see that they were getting along just fine. That made me happy.

The next step was to see that Kate got ready for dinner and the concert last night. It was then 4:45, and I had made 5:45 reservations at Casa Bella. From there I knew that we still had a long drive to the concert. Kate was in an especially good mood. When I told we would be leaving in 45 minutes, she got right up. She also asked me to get her something to wear while she showered. I did and put the clothes on her bed. She was ready in about 35 minutes. She had actually put on the clothes I had placed on the bed in her room. It wasn’t until later at the restaurant that I noticed that she was not wearing matching shoes, but they were both the same color.

Casa Bella is a restaurant we have frequented for over 40 years. We had our usual veal piccata. I had a glass of wine. We split an order of amoretto bread pudding. We almost always get the amoretto cheese cake, a longtime favorite of ours. Over the past year or two, I have noticed that she is forgetting that it is our favorite and occasionally order something else for a change.

Sitting there was just like old times. I could almost imagine that she didn’t have Alzheimer’s at all. If the evening had ended after dessert, I would have said it was a great day. As it was, the best was yet to come. The program was presented by Gentri, 3 tenors from Salt Lake City. They seem like a very wholesome trio. The theme for the evening was love. All of their songs carried out this theme. They sang a mixture of old and new music, some of which they had written themselves. The group was warmly received by the audience. What was important to me, however, was Kate’s reaction. She loved them. She was very enthusiastic. That is twice in a week that she has enjoyed a live performance, the earlier one was the play, An Act of God, that we saw in Asheville this past Sunday. Gentri closed with an encore of three songs from Les Misérables. It turned out to be a wonderful end to a very good day.

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Feelings/In-home Care

Today is Kate’s sixth with a sitter. I continue to be a bit anxious as the time approaches for each visit. The good news is that I also continue to discover that Kate is quite receptive to having a sitter. I am especially pleased because we have not yet been able to experience a permanent sitter. The one at home now, Mary, came for a 2 ½ hour visit when the second sitter didn’t show up. She has also been with us for one other 4-hour shift last Friday. I still don’t know who is coming on Monday. Nor am I sure that today’s sitter is assured for the remaining Wednesdays and Fridays. I do know that she is not currently available on Monday.

As in the past, I did not say anything to Kate about a sitter until minutes before her arrival. I just told her that I was going to the Y and that Mary would be here while I am gone. When Mary arrived, Kate gave her a warm smile and seemed just fine. They both went outside where Kate was going to work in the yard. That is where they were when I left.

After leaving the Y, I dropped by the grocery to get some breakfast items for our son who is arriving for his quarterly visit. Now I am at Panera where I have checked email and sent an email to Kate’s physician following up on a couple of things we talked about during her visit.

I made a reservation for dinner at Casa Bella at 5:45. Following that we are going to a concert by three tenors called Gentri (Gentleman Trio). That will conclude our day.

I find that the 4-hour time for a sitter goes quickly. Just going to the Y takes a full 2 hours. That doesn’t leave much more time for other things. Today I feel the need to get home a little early to make sure Kate does not have to rush in getting ready for dinner and the concert. I suspect she came in from outside a good while ago and has taken a shower; so I am hopeful she won’t have to be rushed.

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The Fourth Sitter

I am happy to report that Kate accepted the new sitter without any problems at all. As I reported in my previous post, she was sleeping well this morning. I let her sleep as long as I thought I could before waking her. Today I had a meeting at 11:30, and the sitter was scheduled to arrive at 11:00. I wanted to make sure that Kate got her muffin and a sandwich before I had to leave. I also felt I need just a few minutes to brief the new sitter.

Finally, I woke her up about 9:10. She was ready to go to Panera at 10:05. That made the schedule a little tight. I ordered her muffin for her to eat there and a sandwich and sliced apples to go. We arrived home about 7 minutes before 11:00. The sitter had arrived and parked on the street. We drove in the driveway, and she followed us to the back door. I greeted her and introduced her to Kate. The sitter handled the introduction beautifully. She greeted Kate warmly, and Kate did the same. We came inside and provided a bit of orientation.

I suggested that Kate show her around the house. I went back to our bedroom. They followed. I had told the sitter that Kate likes working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. That led her to ask Kate is she ever worked on coloring books. The sitter said that she loves them. I was glad to hear that as I have suggested coloring books to Kate, but she has not been interested. I hope that this sitter will encourage her to try them. When I left they were getting along well. In fact, they were doing so well that I called the agency from the car to say we got off to a good start.

I returned home about 10 minutes before 4:00. The sitter was sitting in the family room. Kate was in the back. I assumed that she was resting. I asked the sitter, and she said she was. She said they had gotten along well. She told me that she had noticed that Kate is a wanderer, noting that she moved around to different places in the yard. She also said that Kate didn’t eat the sandwich I had gotten for her. I told her that was not unusual, that Kate never seemed to eat what I left for her.

That led to a brief discussion that bothered me. She said, “That’s the way they are. They don’t eat.” I went on to say that Kate usually eats but that she doesn’t eat what I leave at home. The sitter tried to explain to me that Alzheimer’s patients are like that. I stopped her and tried to tell she didn’t need to explain a lot to me. She also told me how alert Kate is. I told her I think she is in Stage 6. I told her that Kate’s memory is very poor. She then told me that Kate was able to take her around the house and identify the people in the pictures. I told her that Kate still has long-term memory but even that is short on details.

The bottom line of this discussion is that I thought she was too quick to make judgments about Kate and offering sweeping generalizations about people with dementia. Otherwise, I like her. I believe I will say something to her about this next time she is here because I think she could work out.

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Sleeping More and Another New Sitter

Kate is still sleeping this morning. That is two days in a row that she has slept this late. Her sleeping patterns are erratic at times. Two or three years ago (I can’t really recall how long), she was sleeping or resting more than she does now. For the most part, she has been on a fairly regular sleeping schedule in the past year or so. Before that, I can recall that she slept a long time at night and also rested a good bit during the day. I don’t know what prompted the change, but she started getting up earlier. For quite some time now, we have been getting to Panera between 9:30 and 10:30. On Sunday, we were there before 9:00. She doesn’t nap much at all any more.

Tomorrow morning, she has a routine doctor’s appointment at 9:00 a.m. I hope that is not too much of a challenge. I don’t typically schedule anything that early. That must have been the only available time.

Today we have another new sitter. The one who came last week, and who is supposed to be our permanent sitter on Wednesday and Friday, cannot be here. That means the fourth sitter in 3 weeks. I suspect this may not be a problem for Kate because she is unlikely to remember the previous one. It is more of a problem for me. Each time we have a new person I experience a little anxiety over how Kate will relate to her and the fact that I will have to leave so quickly after the new person arrives. So far everything has worked out well. This whole process of leaving her is still new to me. I know I will adjust to it. I think that will be easier when we start having the same person or people on a regular basis.

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Additional Sign of Success With the Sitter

As we drove out of the driveway to dinner, I decided I wanted to get a little more from Kate about her experience with Mary. I said, “So you like Mary?” She answered with enthusiasm, “Yes, she is very nice.” Then I asked, “Do you like having someone with you while I am gone?” Again, she answered immediately and affirmatively. I consider this an even stronger statement. My optimism about bringing in help is increasing.

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A Successful Experience with the New Sitter

Today, Mary, the sitter, came back for her second visit. As Kate and I were nearing the end of our lunch, I mentioned that I was going to donate platelets and that Mary would be coming back again. Knowing that she would not remember Mary, I said she was the person who visited her last week. She gave me a look that implied she wasn’t thrilled about that. Although that did discourage me a little, I considered that she sometimes reacts the same way when I mention that a friend is coming over or that we are going to lunch with a friend. In these instances, I am confident that it is because she does not remember the person.

Mary arrived while Kate was outside cleaning out a flower bed in the front yard. I went out to tell Kate that I was going to leave for my platelet donation. Mary had gotten out of her car and was following me down the driveway. After my saying goodbye to Kate, she greeted Mary warmly. I felt good about that because it sounded so genuine.

When I returned home, Kate and Mary were seated in the family room where Kate was looking at a family photo album. Mary said Kate had shown it to her and taken her through the house. Kate had a smile on her face that indicated that she was very comfortable having Mary. Then Mary left. As she was walking out the door, Kate said, “She is really good.” I am back to feeling good again. The only thing is that Mary cannot come next Wednesday; so the agency is going to send yet another new sitter.

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A Bad Experience with the New Sitter

As I probably conveyed in my earlier posts, I have been elated over the new sitter who has been with us twice. Today she failed us. I had planned two meetings this afternoon specifically because we would have a sitter. The first was with my friend, Mark, who is serving as an editor of my journal and uploading it to my blog. The second was a meeting I had arranged three weeks ago with our accountant.

Kate was tired this morning. She got up and had some juice and went back to bed. When she was still sleeping at 10:00, I was not worried and decided to let her sleep as long as she wanted. By 11:00, I felt I had to wake her up in order to permit her time to get ready for lunch and for us to go to lunch before we came back to the house in time to meet the sitter at 1:00. I try not to rush Kate and have found that this prevents problems. I checked on Kate shortly after 11:30. She wasn’t ready and asked me not to rush her. I went back one more time which irritated her. We finally got to lunch at 12:15. We had our meal at 12:28. I had to rush her to eat, and we left for home at 12:50. We were home at 12:55.

The sitter had arrived on time on her previous two visits. Today she was late. When she hadn’t arrived by 1:15, I called the agency. They tried to reach her unsuccessfully. I told them I could easily cancel the first meeting but that I really need to make the second one. They arranged for a replacement who arrived about 2:20. That gave me a short time to brief her before I left.

Kate had gone directly outside after we returned home from lunch. When I saw her working in the driveway about the time the sitter was to arrive at 1:05, I asked her to move to another location because I didn’t want to risk the sitter’s driving in the driveway in a hurry and hit her. Kate decided to come inside and got in the bed. She was resting when the replacement arrived. After giving her a short briefing, I got Kate up and introduced them to each other. Kate was just a little big groggy and not as awake as I would have liked, but I had to go. Kate decided she would go outside and was headed there when I left.

When I returned close to 5:00, the sitter was in the family room. Kate was in our bedroom working on her iPad. I thought that was fine but was a little disappointed because she had remained in the family room with the previous sitter even though Kate was resting on the sofa. It made me think that she had not been enthusiastic about the new sitter. After the sitter left, I was eager to hear what Kate thought about her. I went back to the bedroom where she had picked up her iPad. I said, “She seems nice.” She said, “Very nice.” That was all we said, but that was enough. I had feared that she might have had a negative impression. Even if she was not as enthusiastic as I had hoped, it was a positive response and definitely not negative.

I actually like the new sitter. Her name is Mary, and she is older than the one she replaced. Her husband is retired from the UT Medical Center. She has a daughter in college and a daughter in high school. She has been working for the agency since 2004. She is scheduled to return on Friday, but she is not available on Mondays at all. That means we may end up with at least two different sitters, one for Monday and another for Wednesday and Friday.

I will call the agency in the morning to discuss where we go from here, but it was a great disappointment that the original sitter did not show up. The agency told me that they would have to let her go for that. I have mixed feelings about that because I really liked her, but I also understand that the agency cannot accept “no shows.” It is a good illustration of what happens when trust is broken. I hope we can soon work out the kinks we are running into.

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Second Visit with New Sitter

Today Kate had her second visit with Anita, the new sitter. I am glad to report that it went well. I didn’t mention it to Kate until just before she arrived. Then I told her I was going to Rotary and to the Y and that Anita, the woman who stayed with her last week was coming. Kate didn’t remember her. (I would have been amazed if she had.) I reminded her that I had asked someone to stay with her when I go out. She said okay. That was it. When she saw Anita, she greeted her warmly. I felt good when I left, but I couldn’t help wondering how things were going while I was gone. When I returned home exactly 4 hours after leaving, I found the two of them in the family room. Kate was resting on the sofa. Anita was seated in a chair opposite her with the TV on. They had gotten along just fine. After Anita left, I asked Kate if she liked having someone here when I am gone. She said, “Yes, especially her. What’s her name again?” I am very pleased.

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Another Marker on Our Journey

I was so relieved that Kate had accepted and enjoyed the new sitter yesterday that I neglected to make another comment that is relevant to her whole journey. Her willingness to accept the sitter and her actually saying that Anita is her “guardian” or “companion” is a significant indicator of a newer stage in her illness. In some ways, it seems rather natural. After all, she has gradually given up lots of her independence. At the same time, the fact that I was so concerned about how she would feel about a sitter is an indication that I didn’t think she had reached such a compliant stage. This is another illustration of how even someone as close to her as I am could misjudge her decline
So I have mixed feelings about Kate’s reaction. I am glad it was easy for her to accept a sitter. On the other hand, I am once again saddened by another sign of where we are headed.

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Success with New Sitter

I am happy to report that Kate’s response to the new sitter, Anita, was a smashing success. Kate liked her and accepted her immediately after meeting her. Anita arrived about five minutes early (a good sign). Kate was working outside when she drove into the driveway. I went out to meet her while Kate continued tending to her shrubs. I took about 10 minutes to brief Anita on my expectations and to explain a few things. Then I went outside to invite Kate to meet her. Kate was very compliant, coming right in when I called her.

I brought her into the family room where I had left Anita. As I introduced her to Kate, I said, “You remember that I have not felt good about leaving you alone. I am going to the Y and then to meet Mark for coffee. Dee is . . .” At this point, Kate said, “is my ‘guardian’.” This was said in a very natural, positive manner. That led us into a brief conversation about ourselves just to get acquainted. I had an immediate liking for Anita whose has a beautiful smile and great warmth. I mentioned that Kate likes to work outside and that she might want to do that while I was gone. Then Kate asked Anita if she would want to work with her. Anita said she would be happy to stay with her outside. I told them they could choose what they wanted to do. I didn’t want either of them to feel they needed to spend the next 3 ½ hours outside. I knew that might not be a problem for Kate but wasn’t sure about Anita. Before I left, Kate mentioned another time that she was her guardian.

I returned home about 4:45, 15 minutes before Anita was to leave. I found both of them in the front yard where I had left them only Kate was on the ground pulling weeds out of the flower bed in front of the house. Anita was standing near her. When I walked over to them I commented on the fact that they were still outside. Kate said something about their enjoying themselves and that Anita had been her “companion.” Before Anita left, Kate mentioned one more time that she was her companion and that she had enjoyed her.

When we got inside, Kate commented on how Anita knows just what to say. What a relief for me. It seems like Kate has completely accepted her. I am going to feel a whole lot better about leaving from now on.