She says she likes to be with me. That’s good; I Iike to be with her.

About thirty minutes ago, I got up from my chair in our bedroom where Kate and I were relaxing. As I started for the kitchen, she motioned me to come over to her. When I reached her, she said, “You know that I always prefer to be with you.” I instantly had a tinge of guilt for leaving her with the sitter this afternoon. I told her I always like to be with her too.” Then I said, “Sometimes I need to go to my Rotary club and to the Y.” She said, “I know you do and you should go. I just want you to know I like being with you.” I told her I appreciated that and reminded her that she had always been that way during our entire marriage. I did a lot of traveling. I never sensed that it bothered her at all. She always let me do what I needed to do in connection with my work responsibilities without making me feel guilty. It’s nice to see that is another way in which she hasn’t changed.

Follow-up on Previous Post on Sleep

Kate got up on her own around 11:30 this morning. I told her I would be going to Rotary. She gave me a bit of a frown. Then I told her I would not leave her along, that Anita would be here. She said, “Good.” That was reassuring. Then she went to take her shower and get ready for the day.

When Anita arrived, Kate was still getting ready. She went back to check on Kate, and I left for my meeting. When I returned, they were both in the guest room. Kate was resting and Anita reading. Everything appeared to have gone well.

Three in a Row

After two very good days during which Kate has seemed very upbeat and cooperative, I wondered what today would be like. It is now 5:30, and we’re about to stretch the good days to three in a row.

This morning she slept a little later than I had expected, so we didn’t leave for Panera until almost 10:30. When she came into the kitchen (where she meets me each morning when she is ready to leave), she was cheerful and joked with me a bit while taking her morning meds I had set out for her. She usually takes several of the pills and turns around toward the sink. I have to watch because she generally forgets about the pills she has left on the island. This morning she said, “I know you. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna forget the others.” She finished taking the first few pills and started walk toward the door to the garage. I looked on the island. The other pills were still there. I hesitated but reminded her about them. I hated to do it because I didn’t want to embarrass her for just having let me know she wasn’t going to forget them. She had apparently forgotten having said anything and simply took the remaining pills and wasn’t bothered by my letting her know about them.

We spent an hour at Panera and then went to lunch. We got back home about fifteen minutes before the sitter arrived. As she has the past three days, she brushed her teeth and then got into bed to rest. When the Mary arrived, I took her into the bedroom to say hello to Kate and told her I was leaving for a meeting and then to the Y. Kate told Mary she was glad she was here. She asked me what she could do. I told her she could rest as long as she wanted and then the Mary would take her to Panera if she wanted to go. She liked that idea. I left her resting.

When I returned home, she and Mary had been to Panera and were in the family room. Kate was lying on the sofa. After Mary left, Kate commented on how well she takes care of things. I said, “And isn’t it nice to have company?” She agreed without any hesitation. This is good for my own comfort level in leaving her. She is still resting but not asleep. We’ll go to dinner shortly. I know the balance of the day will go well. Afternoons and evenings consistently go well. I’m feeling grateful.

The Latest on In-Home Care

Kate’s cold continued today with no clear sign that the antibiotic has made a difference. She was ready for Panera just before 10:00 but was a little slow and not in a jolly mood. She didn’t change much over the time we were there or out time at lunch. When we drove into the garage at home, she said, “What now?” I told her we could go in and brush our teeth and then relax a bit. She didn’t say anything but seemed to accept my suggestion.

Once inside I brushed my teeth and got ready to go to the Y. The sitter was due to arrive in about 15 minutes. When I hadn’t seen her I a few minutes, I went back to the bedroom we call her room. She was in bed resting. I let her rest and went to the kitchen. In a few minutes, Mary arrived. I told her Kate was resting and that she could go back to say hello. She did and then returned to the family room.

Before I left, I went back to tell Kate I was going. When I did, she asked, “What am I going to do?” I told her that she and Mary could go to Panera if she wanted or she could rest a while at home. She said she wanted to go to Panera and got up right away. We met Mary in the family room, and I told her Kate was ready to go out. She said she wanted to use the bathroom before they left. As she left the room, I said good buy and walked to the car. I was about to back out of the garage when Kate walked out. I watched to see if she got in Mary’s car. She gave me a sad look and said, “You’re leaving me.” I said, “But you and Mary can go to Panera.” Then she said, “But I’d rather go with you.” I told her I would rather be with her too. She turned to get in Mary’s car, and I left.

This is the kind of thing I thought could happen and until now hasn’t. I suspect it would not have happened this time if Mary were present. In fact, she was not just cordial when Mary arrived but seemed glad to see her. I obviously wish that Kate hadn’t felt this way, but she did not appear to be deeply hurt at all. She just would have preferred being with me rather than Mary. When I think of it, that’s a good thing. I’d be hurt if it didn’t matter at all.

When I returned home, Kate and Mary were in the family room. They had been to Panera though I don’t think they spent the whole time there. I thanked Mary and told here we would see her next week. I turned around to see that Kate was ready to leave. It was an hour before we would go out for our Friday night pizza, so we went back to Panera which is where we are right now.

Postscript

As I had almost finished the previous paragraphs, out of the blue Kate asked, “What do you want me to call you?” I said, “What would you like to call me?” She said, “What do YOU want me to call you?” I said, “How about Richard?” She said, “So, Richard, just like I’ve been calling you?” I said, “Yes.” A couple of minutes later, she asked, “If you had to tell someone where we are right now, what would you say?” I said “Panera.”

Update on In-Home Care

Update on In-Home Care

Next week marks seven months since I started in-home care for Kate. We began with four hours on each of three days a week. We continue with that same schedule. As it turns out, we have had to miss a few days over that time. Some of those days were a result of holidays, our own travel or other obligations, and on a couple of occasions when a sitter could not be here.

I was very skittish about introducing a sitter fearing that Kate would not think she needs someone to be with her. I agonized over how I would present this to her. Because I knew that she wouldn’t remember if I told her in advance, I decided not to say anything until a few minutes before the sitter’s arrival. I had, however, mentioned on a number of occasions that I was feeling uncomfortable leaving her alone when I had to go out. Just before the sitter’s arrival, I told Kate that I was going to the Y and that I had arranged for someone to stay with her. She asked me why. I reminded her that I had become increasingly uncomfortable leaving her and that I would feel better if someone stayed with her. She surprised me by saying, “Okay.” That was it. When the sitter arrived, Kate greeted her warmly. I was relieved. We have two different sitters, one who comes on Monday and another who comes on Wednesday and Friday. That has worked well.

Several weeks ago, I mentioned that Kate did not display her usual enthusiasm when the sitter arrived or left. This occurred during or right after Kate had had the flu. I thought that the change in her response might have been connected with her illness. I am glad to report that I must have been right because she has returned to her earlier way of relating to each of them. That has been especially true for the past few visits.

That has made me feel better each time I leave her. I bought a gift card for Panera for the times they would like to go there for a break. Until the past week, I believe they have gone to Panera every day the sitter has been here until the past week. It is now three days in a row that Kate chose to stay home. She has a cold and has been feeling a little sluggish. I suspect that is the reason.

Kate is actually more comfortable with the arrangement than I am. I’m not sure exactly why. I think there are two possibilities. One is that I have been her sole caregiver and understand her better than someone who hasn’t had the same experience with her. The other is that I don’t like relinquishing my role as a caregiver. It means spending less time with her and is a precursor to my playing a lesser role in the future. I find that this is less of a problem for me on Mondays when I easily fill up the four hours with my Rotary luncheon, a trip to the Y, and a stop by the grocery store. On the other days, I have time for the Y and then meet my friend, Mark Harrington, for coffee. On days when my only agenda is the Y, I have more time to myself and spend it at Barnes & Noble or Whole Foods. That is when I am least comfortable. I have the feeling that I could be at home with Kate rather than working on my computer elsewhere. In time, this feeling will probably ebb. Just recently, I have found myself juggling various responsibilities in a way that could turn out to be frustrating. Having a little time to myself might be of benefit.

The Sitter is Still Working Out.

In several posts in the past 2-3 weeks, I mentioned a concern that Kate was not as taken with having a sitter as she was during the first four months or so. Her reactions to the sitter during the past week have convinced me that something else must have been bothering her and not the sitter. During that rocky period, she didn’t express any of the same enthusiasm when the sitter arrived or respond with appreciation when she left. That seems to be over. The past few times the sitter has arrived she has treated her more like a friend.

Yesterday I was especially concerned about how she might react because she slept late. That presents a problem from me because I like to take her to get a sandwich before the sitter comes at noon, and I leave for my weekly Rotary meeting. I checked on her about 10:15. She was still in bed but was awake. I asked her if she would want to get up so that I could take her to lunch, or if she would prefer to remain in bed and let the sitter take her to lunch. She said she would rather go with me. I told her I would like that but that she would need to get up, and she did.

By the time she was ready to leave, I could see that she would never finish eating before the sitter came. I called the sitter and told her to meet us at Panera. I’ve done that on two other occasions. I feel a little uncomfortable about doing this because we are always together for lunch, and I feel like it is a little abrupt to get up and leave her with the sitter. Of course, this is my problem, not Kate’s. Yesterday, I was particularly sensitive about her response since she had expressed a preference for me to take her to lunch. I needn’t have worried. All three of us handled it very naturally. Kate didn’t seem to mind at all. I was relieved and left for Rotary. More importantly, she thanked the sitter as she left when I returned, the same as she did last week with another sitter. I think we are back to our routine. All is well.

Kate’s Changing Response to the Sitter

The other day I mentioned that I continue to feel a degree of uneasiness when I leave Kate with the sitter. I also mentioned that this might simply have related to Kate’s mood last week and that I would be carefully observing this week to see if there might be more to it. I’m far from saying that I know what’s going on, but today was the third day in a row that she failed to display the kind of enthusiasm she has exhibited in the past. I had grown accustomed to her warmly greeting the sitter upon her arrival and also thanking her and saying goodbye when she leaves. She hasn’t responded this way for the past three visits.

Kate has also changed in two other ways. First, she has been sleeping later. As a consequence, there has been much less time between the time she gets up and the arrival of the sitter. As her caregiver, I have felt it was a little bit abrupt to hand her off to the sitter when we had not spent much time together. I hasten to say that I don’t know that Kate feels the same way. It’s just that I have felt our spending some time together at Panera has been a good way for her to fully wake up and enjoy the day. When I wake up, I am ready to go. Kate has always liked a little time with very little talking before she is ready for the day.

The second change is that she hasn’t wanted to spend much time with the sitter at Panera. Last Wednesday and today, the sitter met us at Panera because we had arrived so late. In both instances, the sitter told me that Kate hadn’t wanted to stay long after I had left. Neither did she express an interest in going back later. This past Friday they didn’t go to Panera at all. The sitter told me she had suggested it, but Kate had not wanted to go. This is quite a change from the past. Upon the arrival of the sitter, I have often mentioned that they could go to Panera if they wanted, and Kate has been excited and wanted to go immediately.

I should add that after the sitter has left, she has been ready to go to either Panera or Barnes & Noble. That leads me to believe they are both still appealing places for her to spend some time.

These changes do not cause me to think about changing sitters. These are the same ones who have been coming for six months, and Kate has liked them. It does, however, make it harder on me when I leave.

Adapting (?) to Having a Sitter

When my dad was caring for my mother who had dementia, I tried to get to get him to use a sitter when he needed to get out. He was always resistant, but he finally agreed to a short trial to see how he liked it. He didn’t like it and didn’t stick with it long enough to become comfortable with the arrangement. Now that I have had a sitter for Kate almost six months, I have a better understanding of his feelings.

That doesn’t mean that I am going to give up the sitter. It only means that I have not fully adapted to it just yet. Having cared for Kate for the past seven years, it is not easy to turn over some of that responsibility to someone else. Kate seems to have adapted much more easily than I have. Despite that, I feel a slight uneasiness just before the sitter arrives. I begin to wonder if Kate will be as accepting this time as in the past.

That has not been a problem. The past two times, however, she has not been as enthusiastic as she has been before. Thus, I wasn’t as comfortable when I left her today. Typically, when I leave, I tell her that I am going to the Y and will see her later. She usually says, “What am I going to do?” My answer is that she and the sitter can do whatever they like. I suggest that she could work outside, go to Panera, or stay inside and work on her jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Until today, she has jumped at the mention of Panera. Today, she just took a seat with her iPad. When I returned home four hours later, that is where she was, still working her jigsaw puzzles.

After the sitter left, she looked bored. That didn’t surprise me. I would have been bored if I had been working jigsaw puzzles for four hours. It does, however, play into my apprehension about leaving her with a sitter. She often thanks the sitter and tells her goodbye when she leaves. She didn’t do that today.

I think I’ll approach this the way I do most things that come up. I’ll wait to see if this was just a bad day for Kate. Maybe when the sitter comes on Monday, she will be in a different frame of mind. Regardless, I am sure I will be uneasy when Monday arrives.

Sleeping Changes

It is 11:22, and Kate is just getting up. Even that is only after I started gently waking her about 10:50. I hate to wake her, but the sitter will be coming at 1:00, and we need to get lunch before then. As I have noted before, since coming down with the flu, she has been sleeping more. That has meant getting up later since she has still be in going to bed about the same time. Last night we went to Casa Bella for dinner and didn’t get home until 9:00. Still, this is unusually late for her to get up.

Although I think she should be over with the flu now, it may be that this is one of the aspects that is hanging on. She is not coughing much at all now, but once in a while she does. It sounds very much the way she did when she got sick almost two weeks ago. Her being tired may be another residual symptom.

I’ll continue to monitor her sleeping to see if this represents a more permanent change. I have to remind myself that two or three years ago, she was sleeping more than she has in recent years. The difference is that she was taking both morning and afternoon naps. She gave that up a good while back though she had a long nap while the sitter was here two days ago.

I have very carefully arranged for the sitter to come in the afternoon so that Kate and I could spend the mornings together. If she starts sleeping this late every day, I will spend much less time with her. On a day like today, I will have about an hour or so with her for lunch. Then the sitter will have her for four hours. When I return, it will be within an hour of dinner time. Then we are winding down for the day. That would be a big change for me. I’m not sure I am ready for that.

When will I fully adjust to having a sitter for Kate?

It’s Wednesday morning. It’s one of three days a week that a sitter comes to the house to stay with Kate. She’ll be here four hours. During that time, I will go to the Y followed by meeting my friend Mark for coffee. That will leave me with another thirty to forty minutes to run errands. I know and read about caregivers who would love to have this kind of freedom. It means a lot to me as well. I only engaged a sitter when I no longer felt comfortable leaving Kate alone. If I didn’t have a sitter, I would be much more restricted. Best of all is the fact that Kate has accepted a sitter and seems to enjoy having someone with her while I am gone.

So why is it that I still don’t feel completely comfortable? I find this discomfort hard to describe, and I’m not going to attempt an explanation for it. At the moment, it is only something I want to acknowledge. It begins in the morning of the days we have a sitter. For example, it is now a little after 8:30. Kate is still sleeping. I don’t know how long she will sleep. I do know that I am going to leave her for four hours starting at 1:00 p.m. The longer she sleeps the less time we will have together today. I also know that when I tell her that I am going to the Y or to Rotary or a meeting, she often responds with, “What am I going to do?” At that moment, I have a tinge of guilt about leaving her. I am typically rescued from this burden quickly because I never tell her I am leaving until right before or at the time the sitter arrives. That leads me to say something like, “Well, you and Mary (or Anita, the other sitter) can stay here or you can go someplace like Panera.” When the word “Panera” comes out of my mouth, she jumps on that right away even if we have just returned from there. By the way, that happens frequently on Mondays when I take her there (or remain there) for lunch. On a couple of occasions the sitter has arrived early before we are home. This past Monday Kate didn’t even come in the house. She just got out of my car and into the sitter’s car for the trip back to Panera.

Another pattern has developed in connection with having a sitter. As soon as the sitter leaves, Kate gets her iPad and sometimes her cup and comes to me in the kitchen. If she says anything at all, it is, “I’m ready.” That means she assumes we are going back to Panera or to Barnes & Noble. Then I get my computer and/or iPad and a cup, and we are off again. The afternoon visit is a short one because we usually go to dinner between 5:45 and 6:00.

As you can tell, the sitter is working out well for Kate and for me too. I wonder if some of my discomfort is not wanting to hand over any of her care to someone else. That makes me think of my dad. He cared for my mom without in-home care except for a short trial that my brother and I pushed him into. I know there were other factors, but financial considerations were among them. Now that I am walking this same road, I suspect part of his unwillingness to accept help was his desire to do it himself. He might have thought no one else could do it with the same sense of compassion and joy. I can identify with that.