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Growing Dependence

I continue to see different ways in which Kate expresses her growing dependence on me. It is expressed in lots of little things. Most of these are not brand new. It’s the number of different things that occur and the way in which she expresses them. For example, after the sitter left this afternoon, I asked if she had gotten along all right. She said yes. Then I said, “You know I always worry about you.” She said, “I know you do. Because you don’t want anything to happen to me. You’re a good husband.” I said, “I’ll always be there for you.” That kind of exchange is very common for us now.

At dinner, she asked me the name of the owner of Chalupas. I told her. Then I mentioned his wife and the children who also occasionally work there. She stopped me and let me know that I was telling her more than she could take in. I believe her honesty represents a sign of trust that I will respond with understanding to her own expression of vulnerability. She depends on me to know when to stop, and I do immediately. I not only stop, but I often apologize for going so far beyond what she had asked. I know that she can’t process much information and try not to overwhelm her, but I frequently go too far in answering her questions.

As we drove into the garage after dinner, she whispered and asked, “Are we staying here tonight?” She had asked the same question last night and always whispers when she asks. I suspect she thinks there might be somebody else who might hear her. Before getting out of the car, she asked (with hand signals as she often does) if she should take her cup into the house. As I have reported a number of times before, she often asks if she can work in the yard, if she can use her clippers, and where in the yard she should work. I have never told her that she can’t work in the yard. I assume asking for permission is just an extension of my handling so many other aspects of her life.

By themselves, none of these incidents is dramatic, but they, along with many other similar ones, suggest an increasingly greater acceptance of her dependence. As I think of it, one area where she had held on to her independence involves the clothes she wears. That is another area where she has really displayed more dependence. Coupled with my increased acceptance of what she wears, we are having fewer problems with clothes than in the past.

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Memory, Confusion, and Dependence

Earlier today I mentioned an experience at lunch when she didn’t recall that her cousin Chester had died and that we had attended his funeral two days ago. That is a rather dramatic experience that she would have recalled several years ago. I am still somewhat surprised that it didn’t ring a bell at lunch.

Before going to dinner this evening, I told her again about the pictures I had sent her Ken and Virginia as well as our son. She said, “You should also send them to Chester.” I told her that he had died last week. She said, “We were just with him.” I assume she was referring to this past weekend and said, “We were there for his funeral service.” She hadn’t remembered. This is clearly a change from several months ago. I have been noticing the change and commenting on it, but it is still somewhat surprising when she says things like this.

Her increasing loss of short-term memory is not the only change. She seems more reflective. She talks more about the past, her family, our relationship, and about me specifically. She expresses more appreciation for the things I do for her. She is also much more accepting of my suggestions regarding her clothes or whether she can work outside and, if so, where and with the clippers.

In general, I would say there is a striking change in her dependence, acceptance of her dependence, on me. She accepts  my help more readily and even asks for it. That is especially true with respect to her clothes. For example, for quite some time, she has put on clothes that are backwards or inside-out. That seems to be more of a problem now than in the past. Today,  she has asked me to help her with her coat when she couldn’t easily put it on. Tonight, she started to put on her night gown. She said, “Wait a minute, I might need your help with this.” She was holding it up and trying to decide which was the top and which was the bottom of the gown as well as the front and back. She started getting frustrated and asked me to do it. I finally put my hand through each of the sleeves and grabbed her hands and guided them through. I can see that this is going to be worse very soon. She got into bed and then said, “I can’t live without you,” something she has said many times along the way. Right now, it takes on a more serious meaning.

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Needing Help With Clothes

For the second day in a row, Kate came into the kitchen and asked, “What can I wear?” I asked if she would like me to pick out something for her. She said yes. It is obvious we are going through a transition. It doesn’t seem that long ago that she didn’t want me to help with the selection of clothes at all. She actually resented it. Over the years, she has accepted more involvement from me. I have attempted to respect her desire for independence in this area. I have tended to get involved only when we were going somewhere that would call for something a little nicer than her everyday clothes. I have also asked her to change clothes when they had gotten too dirty from working outside. That is something about which I have become much more accepting than in the past.

I feel her struggle for independence has been a good thing. It saddens me to see her turn over her clothes to me. That is one of the last things she has been able to do almost completely on her own. The primary way in which I try to help her is by picking up clothes that have been left in various places around the house and putting them in the laundry or back in the closet if they are clean. I also try to keep her clothes somewhat organized. I have never taken all her clothes out of the closet and started over. What I have done is to move her clothes so that the ones she wears regularly are all at the front of the closet, pants on the right side and tops on the left. I also arrange the clothes by color. I am not sure that it helps her, but it helps me when putting her clothes up or getting clothes out for her.

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More Signs of Change

Kate seemed unusually confused at lunch today. As we were waiting for our food, she pointed to several military from Fort Jackson which is very near where we live. Then she asked me the name of the base in Fort Worth. I told her that it is the Naval Air Station. .

After a quiet moment or two, I told her that tomorrow is Brian’s birthday. He is our oldest grandchild. She asked, “Who are his parents?” I told her that Kevin and Rachel are his parents. I mentioned that Brian is now 19 and how it didn’t seem that long ago that we had flown out to Texas when he was born. As we talked a little more, she asked, “Who are his parents again?”

She also asked me how long we had been married. I told her we had been married 54 years and that it would be 55 next May. We started talking about other things, and then she asked again how long we had been married. As I sat across from her and listened to her confusion, I felt a deep sense of sadness. There were moments when I fought to hold back the tears.

On the way home, she said she wanted to pull leaves. I told her I knew that was something she really liked to do. She acknowledged that and said, “Of course, when I start my two albums, that will keep me busy.” It is interesting that this comes up once in a while even though it has been about two years since she has done anything on them. At least she said “when I start” on my albums. She must recognize that she hasn’t been working on them.

When I pulled into the driveway, she asked if she could pull leaves. Then she asked about using clippers. After that she asked if she should wear a cap and where she should start. This is just a continuation of a pattern she has established over the past few weeks.

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Being Cooperative

In my recent entries I have paid particular attention to ways in which Kate has declined. One thing that I haven’t mentioned directly is that she has been unusually cooperative with me over the past few days. It isn’t that she is normally uncooperative, but she has held on to her independence and has expressed resistance to many things that I have done to help her. That involves things like offering her my hand when she is walking up or down steps, selecting clothes for her, or telling her about stains on here clothes. It also involves things like letting her know when it is time to go some place or how much time we have until we leave or whether we have a lot of time or whether we need to hurry.

Recently, she has not expressed the same degree of resistance or irritation. I don’t mean that it has disappeared, but that it is very noticeable that she has been much more agreeable in the past few days. I can’t help wondering if this might not be another indicator of her decline, that she is acknowledging her dependence on me and letting me take charge. I will also say that I have been increasingly respectful of her desire for independence and wonder if my own actions have been less threatening to her sense of independence.

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Short-term Memory, Confusion, Dependence

Although I have mentioned for months (years?) that Kate’s short-term memory is going, my words are unable to capture how poor it is. For example, yesterday she put her yard clippers in the right hand side pocket of the passenger door. I asked if she thought we could remember where she had put them. She said, “I’ll remember.” Then she paused a second and said, “I don’t even remember right now.” I probed, and she hadn’t remembered.

We also had one of our more common experiences yesterday. This time it was she who was talking about someone. Then I said something about that person. She didn’t know who I was talking about and, once again, thought that I was being unclear.

Some confusion is not new, for example, she still asks if we are “staying here” tonight. Yesterday she also showed me her clippers after coming inside and asked what I wanted her to do with them. I told her she could keep them in the garage where she usually keeps them. It was clear that she didn’t remember. I asked if she would like me to put them up. She did.

Along with the confusion, she is giving up some of her independence and frequently asks for permission to do various things. Most often that means working outside. It also occurs in the evening before we go to bed. She is usually in her chair and I in mine. A typical example would be that she asks, “What do you want me to do now?” I might answer that it is getting time for bed and that she could put on her night clothes. Occasionally, she really surprises me during the day when she asks that question. Sometimes I tell her she could work on her iPad. Then she does. Since she works on it so much, it always seems strange that she would accept my suggestion as though she had never thought of it herself.

On several recent nights, she has either asked if I would get her a night gown or readily accepted if I asked if she wanted me to get her something to wear to bed.

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More Childlike Behavior

Kate was working on her iPad while Forest Gump was playing on TV. I thought she might get interested, but once again I was wrong. She is simply losing interest in watching things on TV. At 9:00, she said, “That’s it.” She put her iPad down on the bed, but she didn’t take any steps to get ready for bed. After a few minutes, I asked her if she was ready for bed or if she wanted to keep watching the movie. At first, she didn’t answer. Then she asked, “What do you want me to do?” I told her it was 9:00, and that it was about time to prepare for bed. She got up and went to her room. I went into the family room to listen to music before retiring for the evening. About 10 minutes later, I got up to see if she had gone to bed. She was coming into the family room. She was wearing a night gown and carrying a robe. She motioned me to come to her. She held out the robe without saying anything to me. I asked if she wanted me to help her put on her robe. She nodded. I held the robe so that she could put one arm after the other into the sleeves and pulled it up around her. Then I said, “I am glad that I can help you.” She gave me a hug. I told her I loved her. Then I told her I was going to listen to my music a little longer. She then went to bed. This is just one other occasion when she is childlike. I mean by that that she seems to completely look to me for help or guidance as to what she should do without asserting her independence. As always, this is bitter sweet. I know this is moving us another step closer to the future, but she is so sweet when she does things like this.

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Appreciation

In the recent past I have noted that Kate is more irritable than in the past. More specifically, I noted that she gets peeved with me. Now I would like to report that she is going through a phase in which she is expressing an unusual degree of appreciation for what I do for her. She frequently says, “”Marrying you is the best thing I ever did.” Every time I help her with something, she seems quite appreciative and is more expressive of her need for me than before. The things I do don’t have to be of much significance. For example, last night she picked up her iPad before getting into bed. She discovered the battery was exhausted. I said, “”Give it to me, I’ll charge it for you.” She said something like, “”Oh, that would be wonderful. I can never figure out which thing to use.” She handed the iPad to me. I plugged it in, and she picked it up and started using it. Then she said something else. I don’t recall exactly what it was, but it was an expression of appreciation.

This makes me wonder if she is experiencing more problems doing everyday things and suffering more frustration. Nothing other than her appreciation indicates that is the case. I also am beginning to wonder if she is entering a stage in which she doesn’t cognitively process things in a way that leads to her being depressed, but she clearly still feels frustration.

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“Imagine how you would feel if you lost your independence.”

This morning before we went to breakfast with my Y group, Kate reminded me that I was going to take her by Walmart to look for plants. Even though I try to be supportive she knows that this is something I would rather not do. She thinks, however, that it is because I don’t want to have plants in the car. While that is a concern, I have worked it out so that we can put them in the trunk and have been doing so since the spring. The real issue is that she keeps buying plants even though we are getting to a season when things will start dying back. I don’t believe I should feel this way and try to hide it, but something shows I am not in full support of her purchases.

At any rate, as we were driving to the breakfast, she asked me if I thought she could drive again. I told her no. She asked me why. I told her because of her judgment and difficulty perceiving things around her. She didn’t say anything else until after leaving Walmart. She thanked me for taking her, and said she felt guilty. I told her I didn’t want her to feel any guilt. I told her I was happy to take her. She then said, “I feel like a child.” When we got home and had unloaded the plants, she said, “Imagine how you would feel if you lost your independence. I feel so trapped.” I tried to sympathize and even offered a time for us to stop and talk. She didn’t want to. I ended up coming to the office.

It is yet another reminder that she does have a grasp of her memory and other abilities and feels frustration over her condition. I can’t imagine fully what it is like to find there are so few things that she can do and how dependent she is on me. I wouldn’t like it either. This is a long road. Fortunately, there are many good things one can do, but the reality is that one loses more and more independence along the way.

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Going Back Home

As we were preparing to leave the Residence Inn in Lubbock, Kate made a point of telling me she was taking her computer on board the plane to Knoxville. I told her she seemed quite insistent on that. She said, “I thought you would tell me not to take the computer on board; to take the iPad.” This is an illustration of the frustration she is having with me and the irrational thinking that is becoming more common. Of course, she was going to carry her computer on board. That is what she always does.

Sticking to a time schedule is a consistent problem. For example, at 8:30 I told her that breakfast would end at 9:30. I said that she did not have to rush, but I wanted to let her know how much time she had. At 8:50, I told her she had 30 minutes to get ready. She was still in bed. She was still getting ready (slowly) at 9:17 when I told her I was worried that she was going to miss breakfast. We left and made it. Without my pushing, she would never have made it.