Posted on

A Follow-up Talk With Kevin

Two days after I talked with the children, Kevin called to talk. He expressed his concern about Kate and his support for me. He wanted to let me know that he did not want to interfere with our own plans for the future, but that he felt given his work, he wanted to do whatever was best in the years ahead. He also sent a letter a few days later expressing the same sentiment. I sent him an email saying that I intended to be very open with Jesse and him and would send a letter to them after our return from New Zealand. In that letter, I want to let them know the situation a little more fully and to suggest that we work together but that I would like to take the lead at this time. My thoughts are that there is no urgency right now. I want them to know that we have talked about a move to a retirement community, probably here in the Knoxville area. I also thought about a move to Texas to be near Kevin should the need arise. At the moment I feel like that is what we will ultimately do although I am uncertain as to the timing. That would depend on my own health.

One other thing to note is that Kate has been especially sensitive lately. She believes that I don’t think she can do anything independently. Most of the time she is expressing herself in a light, almost humorous way, but underlying it, she is feeling torn between wanting my help and wanting to be independent. I frequently hear her say something like, “See I can be observant too,” or “See I can still do things for myself.” I am developing a concern that this may worsen before it improves. I know that eventually she won’t care.

Posted on

Telling The Children

It was January 21, 2011, exactly three years ago that we received the news of Kate’s diagnosis. In many respects, we have fared much better than I might have expected. At that time Dr. Reasoner mentioned a 12-year time frame as something that was normal from beginning to end (at least that is what I recall). I am even more confident that finding out that she has AD was the best thing to do. We have lived differently than we might have done otherwise. I believe we have made the most of our time together. Just as important we continue to do so. That means I am optimistic that we do the same in the years ahead. As it was at the time of her diagnosis, I am concerned that 3 years from now life will be considerably different for us. I hope that when I write on the 6th anniversary of her diagnosis, I can say that I was too pessimistic, but it seems like she is showing more signs of decline.

As I may have noted in earlier entries, I decided that it was best to tell the children. I took action on Monday (Jan. 20). I sent them an email message to arrange a time for a phone call.

After a couple of email and text messages, we set a time yesterday for me to call them. I used my iPhone to make a conference call. It worked like a charm. I did this while Kate was getting her nails done.

I told the children that I wanted to tell them something that they may have already suspected or known. “Mom has Alzheimer’s.” I proceeded to tell them how long since the diagnosis and a little bit of how that had influenced our time together and that I wanted them to have the benefit of that knowledge as well.

I asked them if they had known or suspected. Jesse indicated that she had wondered. Her best friend had asked Kate when they were together about the time of her husband’s death. After that, Jesse had noticed a few things. Kevin said he remembered her getting lost when they flew in with the family for a visit for Thanksgiving several years ago. It struck him that that was like some of the patients he dealt with. Then he put it aside. He did notice that when we visited at Christmas, we went back to the hotel early. Thus, he wasn’t surprised, but he had not actually been thinking that she has Alzheimer’s.

I have had no communication with either of them until this afternoon when I sent a text message and got a reply from Kevin. State Farm sent a representative this afternoon to deliver a check for her car. When she (the rep) asked if we had made a decision about another car, Kate said we had decided not to buy another one. My text was to tell the children this good news.

I had been worried about telling Kate that we shouldn’t buy another one. A couple of weeks ago, she said something about another car. I told her that we should talk about that later. I haven’t said anything since then, and she hasn’t brought it up. On the other hand, she has told me that her friend, Ellen, had volunteered to take her anywhere she needs to go. She has also said something about my being her chauffeur. She said this in a positive, accepting way. I didn’t take it that she liked it, but that she was accepting it. Today’s news that she doesn’t expect us to buy another one is confirmation of that.

Posted on

Our 50th Anniversary

This past Friday we celebrated our 50th anniversary. I spent most of the day with Kate, and we went out to dinner that evening. This entire week we have reflected on the things we have experienced together. Our relationship continues to be special. Although it has always been good, it has taken on a different nature since Kate’s diagnosis. As I expressed before, I wish that I had been able to respond to her before the diagnosis the way I have since. I have been significantly more understanding and , thus, accepting. Many little things that annoyed me before (for example, the way she loads the dishwasher) I simply accept now.

This is also to underscore that many of the things that I attribute to Alzheimer’s are things that were manifest earlier. They are just significantly worse now. One example would be the fact that when she opens a pack of sugar substitute, she leaves it on the counter rather than putting it in the trash which is immediately below where she dropped it.

I continue to observe that she accepts her dependence on me. She wants me to help her with most of her tasks (PEO, neighborhood, calls to people, etc.). I acknowledge that this puts some degree of stress on me, but it is quite manageable right now. I know the future will be different. Adding to this is care for Dad. He celebrates his 100th birthday on Oct. 19. We begin to act as though he will live forever. While I know this is not so, he could live long enough to complicate my care for both of them. I suspect, however, that it will work out. By that I mean that he will pass away before Kate reaches a point at which she requires constant attention.

Posted on

A Couple of Observations

When I got home from visiting Dad tonight, Kate gave me the look that showed she was concerned about my not coming home as early as she had wanted. She did, however, tell me she was glad to see me. We got ready to go out to the spa before having dinner at home when she said, “At least this week, I get to have you all to myself.” Then she very quickly realized that we would have Brian with us. It is another indication of her feeling of insecurity when she doesn’t have me to herself. By the way, I am not bothered by this. I am actually flattered.

There are two other indications of where she is with respect to her memory. Last night we received a text from Rachel with pictures of the children at a Missions baseball game. She indicated that this was the second half of the birthday present that we had given to Taylor in April. I showed her the picture as soon as it came through. Tonight she saw the text on her phone and told me about it. She hadn’t remembered my showing her the picture last night. It was something completely new to her.

The second thing is that I said something to her the other night and then said, “Don’t you remember . . .” She said, “I wish you wouldn’t say that.” I asked what she meant. She clarified that it was the words, “Don’t you remember.” She doesn’t like to be reminded of what she can’t remember. I apologized and said that I try not to do that, but I slip and would work harder.

Posted on

Everyday Issues

This past weekend Kate expressed more than usual frustration, some of which was directed at me. Our TV service had been out since the previous weekend, and she had wanted me to call AT&T to get it fixed. When it first went out, she said she was going to call AT&T. Later she indicated that she thought it would be better for me to do since she would not know what to say to them. As I am sometimes prone to do, I forgot about it during the day. It wasn’t that I was too busy to work it into my schedule although I did have a busy week. We spoke on the phone late Friday as I was leaving Dad’s for home. She told me she really wanted to get the TV working again. I could tell she was put out with me and asked if she were peeved. She said, “Well, yes.”

When I got home, I proceeded to contact them and after about an hour and a half, we got to the point at which they said they would have to send a technician to our house. Kate was pleased, and we ended up going to Casa Bella for dinner. During our dinner she said she was feeling better and indicated that she guessed she was feeling a little neglected. We didn’t go into a discussion, but I know we have periodic talks about how much time I spend with Dad.

The next morning she was on the phone with one of her PEO sisters. They were discussing the financial statement of a scholarship candidate. Before making the call, Kate went over the statement with me and made notes so that she would be sure of what she was going to say when she was on the phone. She is increasingly unsure of herself, especially when it involves things that are not in her skills area. Numbers are clearly one of those.

When she was on the phone, I was right next to her but working on the computer. She got very nervous and told me not to leave her. Everything worked out, but these kinds of things are added stress to her life.

Yesterday I got out my backup drive to back up my computer. I keep it in a box that has 2 corrugated pieces that hold it firmly in place within its box. When I went to put up the drive, I couldn’t find the 2 pieces of corrugated paper and asked her about them. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about. When I explained a little more, she thought she recalled that she had done something with them but couldn’t remember what. She looked in a number of places and finally found them for me. It was not a big deal, but this represented another instance in which her memory failed her. When she gave them to me, she said, “I’m just getting worse.” I tried to comfort her, but I can tell this doesn’t help. I think it is because she knows I also see it.