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A Nice Finish to the Day

We didn’t do anything special, but it was a really good day. Were it not for the regular memory issues, I couldn’t have told you that Kate was any different than the way she had been before Alzheimer’s. She has seemed sharp as a tack. One of those memory issues was clear at lunch. She mentioned her mother. Then she asked me if I like her mother. I said, “Of course, your mother and I were buddies.” That is true we had gotten along well during the early days of our courtship. The she said, “I can’t even picture what she looked like.” I told her I would show her a picture when we got home. Ken will be glad to know that the photo album he recently gave her is coming in handy.

She surprised me last night and this morning. She turned on the TV, something she hasn’t done in months. I thought she had forgotten how. In the past, she has had trouble getting the channels she likes. I have been setting it on NBC each night knowing that she used to turn on the Today Show every morning.

In addition, she made up the bed beautifully this morning. She has been making it up recently but not nearly as well as she did today. Not only that, she has been picking up her clothes and hanging them in the closet.

I don’t know what has made the difference, but it is nice to see. We returned a little while ago from our Friday night pizza place. We are now finishing off the day in the family room where I am playing an Andre Previn album. All is well.

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Off to a Good Start

Kate is in an unusually cheerful mood this morning. Since she got ready for the day, she hasn’t shown any of the slowness that she often feels in the morning. She has also teased me a little bit. In addition, she wasn’t the least bit annoyed that it took me a little bit longer to get my things together after she was ready.

On our way to Panera, she asked, “How many grandchildren do we have?” I told her and then asked if she would like me to tell her their names. She said yes, and I went through each of them as I normally do. I started to tell her about our son’s children. She asked where they live. I told her they live in Lubbock. When I mentioned that Brian, our oldest, had just finished his freshman year at TCU, she was as happy as if this were the first time I had told her. To her, it really was.

At Panera, she looked up from her iPad and said, “What is your last name?” This is becoming rather common now. I guess it is understandable since she rarely has any reason to use it whereas she does use my first name which she is also forgetting occasionally.

Today, we have a sitter coming at 1:00, so we’ll leave soon and get some lunch. It looks like another good day.

Postscript (3:15 p.m.)

Normally, I don’t tell Kate that I am about to leave and the sitter is coming. I just wait until the sitter arrives. Then I say something like, “Well, I guess it’s time for me to go to Rotary and/or the Y.” She seems to accept that without showing any great concern. Her recent comments about liking to go where I go have made me wonder if she is telling me that she would rather be with me than the sitter. On at last one occasion a few months ago, she said just that.

Anyway, my concern led me to tell her in advance that I would be going to the Y. She responded just as I hoped. She wasn’t bothered at all. She just said she would see me later. I was relieved. I consider that an additional sign of how good she has felt all day today.

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Success at the Movies

Movies have played a significant role in our entertainment. That has been especially true for the first five or six years after Kate’s diagnosis. About a year ago, that began to change when she could no longer appreciate them. I was surprised that she had enjoyed them for so long. She hasn’t been able to follow a plot for at least three or four years, perhaps longer.

Among the things I have learned about dementia is that people diagnosed with the disease retain many abilities even when their memories fade. For example, they can often read emotions of those around them. I suspect that ability has helped Kate appreciate movies that she doesn’t understand. She gets a feeling for the characters. When she likes them and the situations in which they are involved, she becomes engaged. She has a positive experience. She can also relate to people and situations that are important. For example, she liked Darkest Hour. She recognized Churchill as an important historical figure. She knew that World War II was a horrific event of our time. She could sense that the movie dealt with significant aspects of the war.

Unfortunately, I have found fewer and fewer movies that really engage her, but I keep trying. Yesterday, I had a success. Normally, the sitter would come while I attend my weekly Rotary meeting and then exercise at the Y; however, I received a call from the agency that Anita was sick. They were happy to send someone new, but I decided to skip Rotary and the Y and spend the afternoon with Kate.

Over the weekend, I had received an email from Kate’s brother, Ken. He said that he and Virginia had gone to see RBG and liked it. Sometime within the past year, I read Sisters in Law. It focused on the lives of Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I have always enjoyed biographies and found both justices to have led fascinating and inspiring lives. That and Ken’s recommendation prompted me to take advantage of a free afternoon with Kate to see the movie. I am so glad I did.

The film provides an engaging account of Ginsberg’s life and personality. Her story is an interesting one. I was especially pleased that Kate enjoyed it. As we walked out of theater, I said, “Isn’t it amazing how someone so slight in stature and so soft spoken in her own personal style could achieve such success.” Kate said, “Who is that?” I said, “Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the woman the film was about.” She said, “I want to see that film.”

What’s truly amazing is how Kate could have watched the whole movie about Ginsberg, love it, and then not recognize who I was talking about. It is a beautiful illustration of how she can enjoy a movie that she can’t understand. I hope I’ll find others that will give her an equal amount of pleasure. That keeps me happy.

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Still Enjoying Musical Theater

Kate’s memory continues to disappear, but we are still enjoying some of the things that have been important to us throughout our marriage. One of those is attending live performances. Her enthusiasm for some things has lessened during the time we have lived with Alzheimer’s, but we both get a boost when we attend most musical events.

This past Sunday afternoon we attended Hairspray at one of our local theaters. We had originally seen it on Broadway and liked it. That made me wonder if we would feel the same about a local production. I had no need to worry. It was outstanding. Each time we attend an event like this, I also wonder how Kate will enjoy it. At some point, I know she won’t. We haven’t reached that point yet. I hope it is a long way off.

By chance, we sat next to a couple that we see at three different restaurants we frequent. We arrived early enough to get a little better acquainted with them. What began as a musical experience also became a social occasion. It was a banner day for us. Experiences like this go a long way in helping us to maintain a positive outlook about life.

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A Rare Moment

Over the past 2-3 years, Kate has lost her interest in television. I suspect that is because it’s too hard for her to follow. Until the past year or so, she sometimes turned on the Today Show in the morning. She rarely, if ever, turns the TV on these days. I record the PBS Newshour and watch it after we return home from dinner. She sits with me and works on her iPad. I sometimes watch Nature as well. When I do, she occasionally looks up and notices something that catches her eye. Otherwise, she devotes her attention to the puzzles on her iPad.

Thus, it is something of a rarity that we watched some of the Royal wedding that took place on Saturday. No, we didn’t get up at 4:00 a.m. I recorded an ETV/BBC recording that began at 9:00 a.m. After lunch, we watched the portion that involved the wedding itself. Prior to that Kate had been working on her iPad. She put it down when Harry and William took their places in the chapel and didn’t pick it up again until Harry and Meghan departed in their coach.

Neither of us is a follower of the Royals, but both of us took interest in this wedding. I can’t speak for Kate, but events like this have taken a different place in my life since her diagnosis. During the wedding I was reminded of the wedding vows we took that were very much the same ones as those of the Royal Couple. In particular, the words “in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part” were more meaningful now than at the time we said those same words in 1963. I trust that I am now and will continue to honor that commitment. I have no doubts that I will. It was a rare moment for us to be watching TV together and a touching one for me.

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Travel Days 5 and 6: San Angelo

We left Lubbock on Tuesday right after an early lunch and drove to San Angelo where we are spending two nights with Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia. We arrived in time to have a pleasant afternoon in their home catching up on the happenings in our lives since we were last with them in January. We didn’t have much time together on that occasion. That is why I wanted to arrange another visit. Given the changes Kate has been making over the past few months, I’m not sure if we will be able to make it back again. Virginia fixed dinner using two popular recipes of Kate’s and Ken’s mother, chicken spaghetti and asparagus casserole. It was a perfect way to celebrate being together again.

Yesterday we spent the morning at home. Kate slept a good bit. She joined us about 10:30. We looked at some old family photos and chatted more before going out to lunch. We relaxed at home during the afternoon and went out for a nice meal at a restaurant overlooking the area near their home.

She continues to forget where we are. She woke up around 4:00 a.m. yesterday and went to the bathroom. When she returned, she said she was going upstairs. Ken and Virginia live in a single-story home. I told her we were at Ken and Virginia’s. She said, “What are we doing here?” I explained that we were visiting a couple of days after having spent a few days with Kevin and his family.

Despite this confusion, she has enjoyed herself. Both nights, we watched a DVD on the history of Fort Worth. Since that is where Kate and Ken are from, and I lived there while a student at TCU, it was of special interest to us.

This afternoon we return to Lubbock where we will have dinner with Kevin and his family. We will spend the night and then fly out to Knoxville tomorrow.

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Travel Day 4: Lubbock

Yesterday we had a shorter than usual morning. At least I did. I didn’t get up until 7:00 and Kate didn’t get up until 9:15. By the time Kate was ready to get something for breakfast, it was almost 11:00, so we skipped Panera. Instead we dropped by a Starbucks that is one block away from the restaurant where we were to meet Kevin, Rachel, and Brian. Kate, Brian, and I decided to visit the National Ranching Heritage Center during the afternoon. Kevin had a conference call to make before then. That meant that we didn’t get away until almost 2:30. I think all three of us enjoyed the museum. It was especially engaging for Kate. I am sure she couldn’t understand all that she read or that I read for her, but she tried to take it all in. Quite a few times she turned to me and said, “I want to remember that.” That’s what she says when she wants me to be responsible for remembering something she wants to include in her family photo album. Of course, she hasn’t done any work on the album for two to three years. I know she won’t ever get to it again, but I always tell her I will remember “it” for her. We left the museum through a different door than the one we used to enter. When we walked by the entrance, Kate noticed it and acted like she wanted to go in. I hesitated in responding. Then she said, “Have we already been there?” I told her we had. I didn’t tell her we had just walked out of it.

This was a day when she didn’t ask me to remind her of a single name. She either remembers the names (unlikely) or has learned that she doesn’t have to remember the names in order to participate in our conversations. She did ask several times where we are or where she is. One of those times we were with Kevin. When I told her we were in Lubbock, she said, “So we’re not in Fort Worth.”

We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner.  Kevin, Kate, and I arrived at the restaurant first. Kate wanted to use the restroom. I took her there. She asked me to “stay right here” outside the door to the restroom. I only recall her asking me to do this one or two other times. She obviously recognizes her difficulty getting back to our table. We had a good meal. From there we came back to our hotel. For the second night in a row, we sat in the courtyard. It was a good way to end another nice day.

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Travel Day 3: Mother’s Day

Kate had a nice Mother’s Day with our son, Kevin, and his family. We joined them for lunch at a down home hamburger place that was a stereotypical Texas kind of place. I pulled into a parking space, and Kate said, “We must be in Texas.” I said, “What makes you say that.” She said, “All the Texas license plates.” It’s easy to assume that she is not processing much of what is going on around her, but this is a good reminder that her brain is still working. As she sometimes says, “Don’t count me out yet.”

After lunch, we went back to Kevin and Rachel’s house where we watched the Celtics trounce the Cavaliers. Rachel’s parents live just outside of Lubbock and came in for dinner at another Texas-style restaurant located in the house and barn of an old ranch. I had the chicken fried steak while Kate had her preferred variation, the chicken fried chicken. Kevin and Rachel brought red roses to their mothers.

Kate and I came back to the hotel where we sat outside in the courtyard. There was a nice breeze that was welcome following a high temperature in the low-90s in the afternoon. We were the only guests enjoying this pleasant evening. I suppose they were thinking it must still be hot.

Kate continued to work on her iPad as she did most of the afternoon when we were at Kevin’s. She would be lost without it. I am glad she has something that she can still do almost entirely on her own. Periodically, she accidentally hits a button that takes her to the store to buy new puzzles. I have to get her out. Otherwise, she works the puzzles on her own.

The other day on our flight, I watched her moving puzzle pieces around as she tried to put each one in its proper place. This is not an easy thing for her. She doesn’t seem to clearly differentiate pieces for the edge from those for the puzzle’s interior nor does she consider the shapes or colors. It appears that she completes the puzzles solely by trial and error. It takes her a long time, and most of the puzzles have only 16 pieces. You can set them to many more pieces, but it is quite difficult when the pieces are very small. I started setting them to 16. When she reworks them, that is how they are set when she opens them. The other thing I noticed is that she sometimes works the same puzzle several times in succession. Of course, given her memory problems, that should not surprise me. It definitely does not bother.

Although she asked me for the names of Rachel’s parents a number of times, Kate didn’t express any of the trepidation I observed the previous night when we met Kevin and Brian. I think she has gotten more comfortable with her surroundings.

One of the characteristics she has developed since her diagnosis is to more positively evaluate just about everything. People are smarter and nicer. Food and live theater productions are better. And hotels like the Residence Inn are viewed as higher quality than she would have said before Alzheimer’s. She really likes it here. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone trust her assessment of the things she likes, but it is pleasant to be with someone who is so positive about life. I like that.

About 9:15, we came inside and got ready for bed. Kate commented about how relaxing it had been to sit outside for an hour or so. She was right. It is also true that the period of time between our coming home from dinner and going to bed is always a very relaxing time for us.

Once we were back in the room, she talked about how good she felt about our marriage. She expressed a generous amount of appreciation for what I do for her. (Remember what I said in the previous paragraph. She does have a tendency to exaggerate on the positive side of most things; nevertheless, it is nice to be on the receiving end of praise.) It was a good Mother’s Day, and I felt as though she had treated me like it was Father’s Day.

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A Good First Day of Travel

Except for a delay because of construction on the way to see Kate’s friend, Ellen, everything went well today. Ellen is in a very nice memory facility, not just a section of a skilled nursing facility. Memory care is all they do. She was about the same as last time. Her mind seems clear. By that, I mean that she seems to understand us without any problem. Her speech is the big problem. I recognize, of course, that she wouldn’t be in a memory care facility if she did not have vascular dementia.

I have some trepidation about taking Kate to a place like this and deliberately avoid doing so except for our visits to Ellen. Most of the residents appear to be much further along than Ellen or Kate, but Kate doesn’t seem to notice at all. She doesn’t say anything nor does she evidence any sign that she is in a memory care facility.

Tonight we had a great dinner at McCormick and Schmick’s. Our server was fantastic. Knoxville is a college town, so we are accustomed to having students as servers. They do a good job, but it is striking when you run into one like we had tonight. She’s a real professional.

I have commented a lot lately about how cheerful and agreeable Kate has been. There is one other characteristic that I should also mention. She is appreciative of my help. That has been true for the entire time I have been caring for her. Lately, however, it seems less perfunctory. It’s not just saying “Thank you” or “You do so much for me.” Tonight, for example, as we were finishing our meal, I commented on how good the meal was. She said, “I don’t want your head to swell, but I always have happy times with you.” Then she said, “I always like being with you. I really mean that.” I told her it meant a lot to me that she said that, and it really did.

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Our Lunch with Longtime Friends

We had lunch with Dorothy and Mitch Hinely at Casa Bella today. Our friendship with Dorothy goes back to the early 1970s when we were members of a local Unitarian Fellowship. Our daughters met at that time and are still best friends. She and Mitch married several years ago and quickly became a valued addition to this longstanding relationship.

Prior to going, I told Kate we would be joining them for lunch. She couldn’t remember them. I told her their names and something about them. That didn’t help. Even when I mentioned the friendship of our daughters, she didn’t seem to know who I was talking about. That changed the moment she saw them. In fact, Dorothy stooped down to Kate’s chair, and Kate said enthusiasm, “No, I’ve got to stand up and give you a hug.” This reminds me of my earlier post that asked, “What does it mean to know someone?” Kate clearly knew her in some way even if recalling her name and other things about our friendship were drifting away.

The conversation flowed easily. I am sure we could have taken much longer to catch up on our respective lives and to reminisce together, but it was time to go. I worried about Kate since Dorothy and I tended to dominate the conversation with a little help from Mitch. It’s hard for Kate to keep up, and I am sure she couldn’t follow everything we talked about. The moment we got in the car she told me how much she had enjoyed the lunch and how smoothly the conversation had gone. I was happy about that. It shows that she felt a part of the group even though her speaking time was decidedly less than that of the rest of us.

I took special note of the fact that she then asked me the name of the restaurant where we had eaten. This surprised me since we have been coming to Casa Bella since 1971. When they added their musical evenings, we started coming three or four times a month. We were there just last Thursday evening and will be there this Thursday. It is a place we have eaten to celebrate good times and to console ourselves when things were not so good. I remember a couple of years ago when she forgot our favorite dessert. Now the restaurant’s name is slipping away as well.