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An Emotional, but Uplifting, End to Our Day

After our visit to Barnes & Noble yesterday, we went directly to dinner and then home. Kate’s bathrobe and extra shoes were still in the car at her feet on the passenger side. As she was getting out of the car, she used her hand signals to ask if she should leave the robe in the car. I told her I thought it would be better to take the robe and the shoes in the house.

Once inside she asked me if she should put on her night clothes. I told her that would be fine, that she could just relax until time for bed. She surprised me by putting on a night gown, something she has not been doing lately.

As usual, I turned on the PBS Newshour that I record each night and took my seat. Meanwhile, Kate picked up her iPad and sat in her chair to work jigsaw puzzles. When the news was over, I decided to put in a DVD with excerpts of her father’s home movies shot between 1932 and the mid-1940s. I had gotten it out to play for Kate a couple of days before, but she asked that I wait until later.

The original movies were filmed in 16 mm color, but, because of their age, the quality of the images had deteriorated significantly over time. One of Kate’s cousins who owned a photo shop in Fort Worth edited the film to make a 35-minute VHS tape when they were the latest way to store images. Then he invited Kate’s mother and father to his house where they were joined by one of Kate’s aunts to view the tape. During the viewing, he used a tape recorder to capture the comments made by these family members watching the movies for the first time in a number of years. Later he created a new video on which he dubbed the audio recording. Two or three years ago, I had that VHS video transferred to a DVD. That is what I played for Kate last night.

The video immediately captured her attention. She dropped the iPad to her side and watched the entire video from beginning to end. She was enraptured with the audio as well as the video. The voices of her mother and father along with her aunt and cousin came through clearly. It was exciting to hear Kate’s reactions. The film begins with her mother and father before they were married, events surrounding their marriage in Michigan, and her mother’s college graduation from TCU. From there it moved to Kate’s grandmother’s home where all the children and grandchildren gathered for lunch every Sunday after church. That was before Kate’s birth, but she saw lots of her cousins playing around the yard outside the family home. Of course, it included her grandmother and her aunts and uncles.

The final portion of the video focuses on Kate’s arrival in 1941 followed by her brother, Ken, in 1943. Although both of us have seen these movies on multiple occasions in the past, it’s been a while. I suspect Kate’s memory of them was very blurred. We both took interest in seeing her as an infant in her parents’ arms, playing in her crib, and playing with Ken and her cousins.

At the end of the video, Kate was in tears of joy. She kept commenting on it. She thanked me profusely for having played it. I can’t ever recall a time when she was so overcome with emotion. It was especially surprising to observe that she didn’t forget having seen the video right away. She sobbed off and on for about 45 minutes. She was still moved when she went to bed. I joined her, and she then did a repeat of the previous night. She talked a long time before going to sleep. She expressed her feelings about our marriage, our children, my getting to know her family before so many of them passed away, and overall how very fortunate we have been.

As much as I also enjoyed seeing the video, the most memorable part of the evening was knowing how much it meant to Kate. Priceless.

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Simple Pleasures

Recently, I have connected with a number of other caregivers on Twitter. Most of them are authors who have written about their experiences as caregivers. Others are people who are working to educate the public about the variety of issues surrounding Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.

It has been especially encouraging for me to discover how many other caregivers are able to find moments of pleasure in the midst of the changes that are ongoing for the ones they care for. It is not that everything is rosy or that no one has experienced frustrations and other challenges. It’s that there are always moments of pleasure as well.

It’s almost 2:30 p.m., and Kate and I have faced both the good moments and more challenging ones today. Her good mood from the very beginning of this day is sufficient to make me say it’s been a good day, but there is much more for which we are both grateful. It’s a cool, rainy day, and we are sitting in front of the fireplace in our family room, something we both enjoy but don’t take advantage of very often. Of course, I have music playing in the background. She is working puzzles on her iPad while I write this entry for my blog. All is well right now, and I am confident the rest of the day will be the same.

At the same time, we have had a few moments I would have preferred not to have experienced. Even though she’s been in a good mood, she has gotten irritated with me a few times. One of those was when she thought I was taking too long to get ready for Panera this morning. When we got in the car, instead of saying something like, “Give me a break. I’ve been waiting two hours for you to get up,” I said, “I guess I do keep you waiting sometimes.” She responded in a very forgiving way and said, “You don’t keep me waiting very often.” Her irritation was over.

Twice at lunch she asked me “Where are we?” I told her Knoxville. The second time I added, “Would you like to guess what state?” She quickly said, “Tennessee” and added, “See, I’m smarter than you think I am.” It saddens me when I see her unable to easily identify where we are when we are not traveling. Just a few months ago, this would not have been a problem.

When I ordered a kale salad at lunch, our server told me they were out of kale. I ordered another salad and asked if I could have a serving of brisket with it. As she walked away, Kate said, “What was that all about?” She hadn’t been able to follow our very brief and simply conversation. When I see instances of her being confused over normal things like this, I have a greater appreciation of her inability to understand what is happening in movies or plays. She is able to enjoy musical theater and opera because of the music itself even if she doesn’t have any idea of the plot or who are the primary characters.
I know all too well that in the long run that many of life’s current pleasures will not provide the same enjoyment they do now. For now, we live in the moment and are grateful.

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A Beautiful Morning

It’s cool, but sunny, this morning. I’ve had my morning walk and am back at home taking care of a few household chores. I’ve always liked mornings. It is so peaceful. That is especially true on the weekend. I didn’t see anyone else walking today. I saw only one runner. I was a little late to see any vestiges of the moon. Yesterday I got to see the full moon. That was a bonus.

I am in the kitchen which serves as my office. I have some soft piano music playing in the background. Kate is sleeping. This is wash day for me. I have one load in the dryer and another in the washer. I’ll soon be folding clothes while the music continues. I don’t think I had ever washed a load of clothes until about four years ago. I have found it to be one of the more pleasant household chores. That is especially true when combined with my love of the morning with my love for music.

Quiet mornings can be a time of reflection. Today I’m thinking about the past week. It has been a good one for Kate and me. It was punctuated by three musical highlights. Last Saturday it was the Live in HD at The Met’s performance of La Boheme. Thursday it was opera night at Casa Bella. And last night, we finished the last part of Turandot that we had started earlier in the week. We have seen it less often than some other operas, and Kate did not express a lot of enthusiasm the first night we watched. She got caught up in it last night and loved it. It’s been a good week for music, and I get an extra measure of happiness out of seeing her enthusiasm. Not many things elicit this same emotional response. I hope this continues for a long time.

Have a good day.

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A Great Night Out

As I begin to see changes in the number of things that Kate enjoys, I am especially encouraged when she continues to appreciate live musical performances. That was again the case last night at Casa Bella. The singers and the program were especially good. The evening got off to a good start when the first vocalist sang one of Puccini’s arias. It was the first time I recall seeing the audience stand up and applaud on the very first song of the evening. In fact, I have only seen an audience stand and applaud on a couple of other occasions. Kate, who right now wouldn’t even remember that we went out last night, loved it. That always makes me happy. The fact that we share the pleasure equally is a bonus.

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Music continues to be great therapy.

An hour ago, Kate and I left the latest Live in HD at The Met production, La Boheme. We have attended quite a number of these operas that are broadcast live in movie theaters around the world. While there is nothing like the experience of being at The Met, we find that these live performances on the large screen offer an even better experience of the opera itself.

La Boheme, of course, is an emotional opera. Given the outstanding camera work, it has quite an impact on the theater audience. On and off throughout the performance, Kate reached over and squeezed my hand. As she also does at many live productions, she also expressed a few audible “Wows.” The final death scene is always moving, but I find that I am more affected by such things since I know that Kate is on that same path.

I was just as taken by the opera as Kate, but the added treat for me was getting to see her express genuine enthusiasm. There aren’t many things nowadays that elicit this kind of response. The fact that she continues to enjoy musical productions makes me feel good and reinforces my hope that she will retain her feeling for music a lot longer. It’s been another great day, and my pleasure wasn’t tarnished at all when we left the theater and she asked me the name of the opera we had just seen. She had enjoyed herself even if she couldn’t remember it.

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The Magic of Music

For those who have been active readers of this blog, you will understand how important live performances (theatrical and musical) have been to Kate and me. During the past year, the appeal of movies has declined substantially for Kate. I hate that. For most of our marriage, they have been almost as important as seeing events on stage. I wonder if and when the same will occur for live performances. I feel optimistic that it will be a while, especially after last night.

It was Broadway night at Casa Bella. We shared our usual table with the parents of the woman who currently operates the restaurant and another couple with whom we have sat on several other occasions. It was a terrific social occasion with them, and the program was outstanding. In recognition of Valentine’s Day, the music featured love songs from the past like Irving Berlin’s “Always,”  “Moon River,” and “The Twelfth of Never.” Since the audience was made up largely of people in our generation, you know it was a happy crowd.

What makes the difference for me, of course, is how Kate responded. Once again, she loved it. She exclaimed, “Wow” after every piece with enthusiastic applause. We’ve been attending these musical evenings at Casa Bella for almost five years. She has loved every one. We always leave very happy as we did last night. It is wonderful to know that we have three nights like this every month.

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More Pleasure from Her Book

A couple of days ago I commented on the pleasure Kate had gotten over the discovery of a book that I thought had belonged to her mother, Birds of Wington. Since then it had remained on the floor board of the passenger’s side of the car. This afternoon we made a stop by the pharmacy to pick up a couple of things. Kate remained in the car while I went inside. When I returned, she was looking at the book again, just the way she had done the other day. It was like seeing it for the first time.

It is a cold, rainy day, and Kate has been coughing. I told her I would build a fire in the fireplace, and she could look at the book a little more if she wanted. She did. While she was brushing her teeth, I took a look at the title page and found a note her other had written. It said that it had been given to Kate on her 11th birthday from a friend and used for three months in church for Sunday school lessons. For the past 25 minutes, she has been going through the book from front to back. As she looked at it, she kept saying, “This is wonderful.” “This is priceless.” “ This is a treasure.” She tried, and did, read a few sentences to me though it was a struggle. She mostly picked out a few of the Chapter names. Several times she mentioned “Birds of the Bible,” one of the early chapters. Each time it was as though it were the first time. I know this would seem a little thing to many, but I take great pleasure in her pleasure. I’m sure many a caregiver can identify with that.

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A Moment of Pleasure, For Her and For Me

Kate hasn’t read any books or periodicals in years, but once in a while she picks up a book at home and puts it near her chair in our bedroom or near a chair or sofa in our family room. Although I’ve never seen her look at them, I assume she must have taken a glance before taking them off a shelf and setting them aside to be read “later.” She has taken particular interest in books that were from book shelves in her parents’ home.

This morning before going to Panera, she brought a book to the kitchen and said she wanted to take it with her. (She wasn’t just informing me; she was asking if that would be all right.) I told her that would be fine. When we got to Panera, she left the book in the car.

I had left a cup at Barnes & Noble yesterday afternoon. After lunch, I told Kate I would like to drop by B&N to see if it had been turned in. She was fine with that. I parked the car in the lot in front of the store and told her she could come in with me or sit in the car. She said she would like to remain in the car. When I returned, she was looking at the book. It was entitled Bird Life in Wington. She told me it was fascinating and wanted to read a passage to me. Her eyesight (from cataracts and her Alzheimer’s) make reading nearly impossible. She struggled, but didn’t read to me. She just leafed through the book and, periodically, would stop and attempt to read. I don’t know much about the book. From what I could see and what little she could read, it is a novel about a fictitious town called Wington in which all the characters are birds.

As she was perusing the book, I noticed her mother’s handwriting on one of the pages. I pointed this out to her. She was touched by that and pulled the open book to her chest. She was so taken with the book at that point that she didn’t want me to drive away; so we sat in the car 5-10 minutes as she skimmed through the book, stopping periodically when something on a page caught her attention. As she did this, I pointed out other places where her mother had written something. Although I don’t believe she understood much about what she was reading, she was thrilled with the book. It was a thrill for me to see her get so much pleasure from this discovery. I told her it looked like it might be a book that her mother had used in her Sunday school class she taught for so many years. It appeared that each chapter may have focused on a particular moral lesson. Of one thing I am sure. This was a special moment for Kate and, thus, for me.

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More Good Times With Friends

Today has been a good one for social engagement. Angie and Tom Robinson were in town for lunch and a pleasant afternoon of conversation. We had lunch at Carla’s. They had liked it year or two ago when we had first taken them there. I am glad we went. It offered them a glimpse of why I say that eating out is a social occasion for us. We go to Carla’s frequently and know several of the restaurant staff. One of those is the manager, who stopped by our table to say hello. She ended up giving us complementary desserts. As we were about to leave, the newly retired CEO of United Way took a table next to us. We introduced him to the Robinsons, and we spoke briefly before leaving. After that we came back to the house for more conversation.

It had been a good visit. Kate participated more than she usually does. She was more animated than normal, sometimes more assertive as well. I’ll have to talk with Tom about his impressions, but I felt she handled herself well. She is changing, but she does far better in social situations than I would expect knowing how little memory she has. At one point, she asked Tom about Bruce, a mutual TCU friend and one of my former roommates. I was surprised she recalled his name. As usual, I knew that some of the things she said were figments of her imagination. They aren’t, however, the kind of things that provide an immediate alert to others that she is confused.

After they left, I told her how well I thought the visit had gone. She agreed. Then she said, “Who are they?” After I reminded her, she said, “Oh, yes, from TCU.” Part of our discussion this afternoon was about our days at TCU. I was glad to see that she still had not totally forgotten that connection. Then she asked, “Who are they again?”

She is having significantly greater trouble recalling names in the past couple of weeks. Today, she asked, “What is your name?” I find it hard to believe that she has forgotten, but that is what it sounded like when she asked the question. After I told her my name, I asked, “Now what is your daughter’s name?” She couldn’t answer. I said, “Jesse.” Then she immediately gave me Jesse’s middle name. Clearly, the first name triggered the middle name even though it is one we do not use.

The changes in her memory make me think that making another trip to Texas in the spring and a trip to Asheville for our anniversary may not happen. If that is so, there are likely to be other changes on the horizon, and not as distant as I would like.

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An Unusual Conversation

I find that there are so many things going on in our lives that I don’t come close to writing about all of them. There are also events that I want to report but can’t do so at the time. Then later I forget them. One of these things occurred about ten days ago. Here’s the story.

One of the topics I have mentioned on several occasions involves the conversations between Kate and me. I would have said more if there were more to say. The truth is that Alzheimer’s is hazardous to conversation. Normally one doesn’t think of it, but conversation is dependent on our memories, Much of that involves recent memories like things we have done, people we have seen, events in the news, and places we have been. Kate can’t remember any of these things. That means she relies on her distant past. For a good part of her journey, she has often spoken about her family and, especially, her mother. That has carried her in limited social encounters with friends or strangers. She has also done that with me, but we are together so much that the result is that she doesn’t talk much at all. We say very little wherever we are. As a talker, that has been a significant loss to me. She actually prefers that I minimize my talking. I suppose that makes it more comfortable for her. She doesn’t have to respond.

A week ago this past Saturday, we drove to Nashville to visit Ann and Jeff Davis. Typically, we would spend the entire time in silence. This trip was a notable exception. We talked just over an hour of the two-and-a-half hour ride. During this time, we focused on things for which we are grateful. These included things like our marriage, our children and grandchildren, our parents, friends, things we have done, and places we have been. We kept the conversation at a more general level that didn’t require Kate to recall specific details. I loved having such a conversation and hearing her express her thoughts on all these topics. I am confident that Kate enjoyed it. I know I did. As an added bonus, it made the trip to Nashville seem a lot shorter than it really is.