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Success at the Movies

Movies have played a significant role in our entertainment. That has been especially true for the first five or six years after Kate’s diagnosis. About a year ago, that began to change when she could no longer appreciate them. I was surprised that she had enjoyed them for so long. She hasn’t been able to follow a plot for at least three or four years, perhaps longer.

Among the things I have learned about dementia is that people diagnosed with the disease retain many abilities even when their memories fade. For example, they can often read emotions of those around them. I suspect that ability has helped Kate appreciate movies that she doesn’t understand. She gets a feeling for the characters. When she likes them and the situations in which they are involved, she becomes engaged. She has a positive experience. She can also relate to people and situations that are important. For example, she liked Darkest Hour. She recognized Churchill as an important historical figure. She knew that World War II was a horrific event of our time. She could sense that the movie dealt with significant aspects of the war.

Unfortunately, I have found fewer and fewer movies that really engage her, but I keep trying. Yesterday, I had a success. Normally, the sitter would come while I attend my weekly Rotary meeting and then exercise at the Y; however, I received a call from the agency that Anita was sick. They were happy to send someone new, but I decided to skip Rotary and the Y and spend the afternoon with Kate.

Over the weekend, I had received an email from Kate’s brother, Ken. He said that he and Virginia had gone to see RBG and liked it. Sometime within the past year, I read Sisters in Law. It focused on the lives of Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsberg. I have always enjoyed biographies and found both justices to have led fascinating and inspiring lives. That and Ken’s recommendation prompted me to take advantage of a free afternoon with Kate to see the movie. I am so glad I did.

The film provides an engaging account of Ginsberg’s life and personality. Her story is an interesting one. I was especially pleased that Kate enjoyed it. As we walked out of theater, I said, “Isn’t it amazing how someone so slight in stature and so soft spoken in her own personal style could achieve such success.” Kate said, “Who is that?” I said, “Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the woman the film was about.” She said, “I want to see that film.”

What’s truly amazing is how Kate could have watched the whole movie about Ginsberg, love it, and then not recognize who I was talking about. It is a beautiful illustration of how she can enjoy a movie that she can’t understand. I hope I’ll find others that will give her an equal amount of pleasure. That keeps me happy.

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Still Enjoying Musical Theater

Kate’s memory continues to disappear, but we are still enjoying some of the things that have been important to us throughout our marriage. One of those is attending live performances. Her enthusiasm for some things has lessened during the time we have lived with Alzheimer’s, but we both get a boost when we attend most musical events.

This past Sunday afternoon we attended Hairspray at one of our local theaters. We had originally seen it on Broadway and liked it. That made me wonder if we would feel the same about a local production. I had no need to worry. It was outstanding. Each time we attend an event like this, I also wonder how Kate will enjoy it. At some point, I know she won’t. We haven’t reached that point yet. I hope it is a long way off.

By chance, we sat next to a couple that we see at three different restaurants we frequent. We arrived early enough to get a little better acquainted with them. What began as a musical experience also became a social occasion. It was a banner day for us. Experiences like this go a long way in helping us to maintain a positive outlook about life.

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A Rare Moment

Over the past 2-3 years, Kate has lost her interest in television. I suspect that is because it’s too hard for her to follow. Until the past year or so, she sometimes turned on the Today Show in the morning. She rarely, if ever, turns the TV on these days. I record the PBS Newshour and watch it after we return home from dinner. She sits with me and works on her iPad. I sometimes watch Nature as well. When I do, she occasionally looks up and notices something that catches her eye. Otherwise, she devotes her attention to the puzzles on her iPad.

Thus, it is something of a rarity that we watched some of the Royal wedding that took place on Saturday. No, we didn’t get up at 4:00 a.m. I recorded an ETV/BBC recording that began at 9:00 a.m. After lunch, we watched the portion that involved the wedding itself. Prior to that Kate had been working on her iPad. She put it down when Harry and William took their places in the chapel and didn’t pick it up again until Harry and Meghan departed in their coach.

Neither of us is a follower of the Royals, but both of us took interest in this wedding. I can’t speak for Kate, but events like this have taken a different place in my life since her diagnosis. During the wedding I was reminded of the wedding vows we took that were very much the same ones as those of the Royal Couple. In particular, the words “in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part” were more meaningful now than at the time we said those same words in 1963. I trust that I am now and will continue to honor that commitment. I have no doubts that I will. It was a rare moment for us to be watching TV together and a touching one for me.

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Travel Days 5 and 6: San Angelo

We left Lubbock on Tuesday right after an early lunch and drove to San Angelo where we are spending two nights with Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia. We arrived in time to have a pleasant afternoon in their home catching up on the happenings in our lives since we were last with them in January. We didn’t have much time together on that occasion. That is why I wanted to arrange another visit. Given the changes Kate has been making over the past few months, I’m not sure if we will be able to make it back again. Virginia fixed dinner using two popular recipes of Kate’s and Ken’s mother, chicken spaghetti and asparagus casserole. It was a perfect way to celebrate being together again.

Yesterday we spent the morning at home. Kate slept a good bit. She joined us about 10:30. We looked at some old family photos and chatted more before going out to lunch. We relaxed at home during the afternoon and went out for a nice meal at a restaurant overlooking the area near their home.

She continues to forget where we are. She woke up around 4:00 a.m. yesterday and went to the bathroom. When she returned, she said she was going upstairs. Ken and Virginia live in a single-story home. I told her we were at Ken and Virginia’s. She said, “What are we doing here?” I explained that we were visiting a couple of days after having spent a few days with Kevin and his family.

Despite this confusion, she has enjoyed herself. Both nights, we watched a DVD on the history of Fort Worth. Since that is where Kate and Ken are from, and I lived there while a student at TCU, it was of special interest to us.

This afternoon we return to Lubbock where we will have dinner with Kevin and his family. We will spend the night and then fly out to Knoxville tomorrow.

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Travel Day 4: Lubbock

Yesterday we had a shorter than usual morning. At least I did. I didn’t get up until 7:00 and Kate didn’t get up until 9:15. By the time Kate was ready to get something for breakfast, it was almost 11:00, so we skipped Panera. Instead we dropped by a Starbucks that is one block away from the restaurant where we were to meet Kevin, Rachel, and Brian. Kate, Brian, and I decided to visit the National Ranching Heritage Center during the afternoon. Kevin had a conference call to make before then. That meant that we didn’t get away until almost 2:30. I think all three of us enjoyed the museum. It was especially engaging for Kate. I am sure she couldn’t understand all that she read or that I read for her, but she tried to take it all in. Quite a few times she turned to me and said, “I want to remember that.” That’s what she says when she wants me to be responsible for remembering something she wants to include in her family photo album. Of course, she hasn’t done any work on the album for two to three years. I know she won’t ever get to it again, but I always tell her I will remember “it” for her. We left the museum through a different door than the one we used to enter. When we walked by the entrance, Kate noticed it and acted like she wanted to go in. I hesitated in responding. Then she said, “Have we already been there?” I told her we had. I didn’t tell her we had just walked out of it.

This was a day when she didn’t ask me to remind her of a single name. She either remembers the names (unlikely) or has learned that she doesn’t have to remember the names in order to participate in our conversations. She did ask several times where we are or where she is. One of those times we were with Kevin. When I told her we were in Lubbock, she said, “So we’re not in Fort Worth.”

We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner.  Kevin, Kate, and I arrived at the restaurant first. Kate wanted to use the restroom. I took her there. She asked me to “stay right here” outside the door to the restroom. I only recall her asking me to do this one or two other times. She obviously recognizes her difficulty getting back to our table. We had a good meal. From there we came back to our hotel. For the second night in a row, we sat in the courtyard. It was a good way to end another nice day.

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Travel Day 3: Mother’s Day

Kate had a nice Mother’s Day with our son, Kevin, and his family. We joined them for lunch at a down home hamburger place that was a stereotypical Texas kind of place. I pulled into a parking space, and Kate said, “We must be in Texas.” I said, “What makes you say that.” She said, “All the Texas license plates.” It’s easy to assume that she is not processing much of what is going on around her, but this is a good reminder that her brain is still working. As she sometimes says, “Don’t count me out yet.”

After lunch, we went back to Kevin and Rachel’s house where we watched the Celtics trounce the Cavaliers. Rachel’s parents live just outside of Lubbock and came in for dinner at another Texas-style restaurant located in the house and barn of an old ranch. I had the chicken fried steak while Kate had her preferred variation, the chicken fried chicken. Kevin and Rachel brought red roses to their mothers.

Kate and I came back to the hotel where we sat outside in the courtyard. There was a nice breeze that was welcome following a high temperature in the low-90s in the afternoon. We were the only guests enjoying this pleasant evening. I suppose they were thinking it must still be hot.

Kate continued to work on her iPad as she did most of the afternoon when we were at Kevin’s. She would be lost without it. I am glad she has something that she can still do almost entirely on her own. Periodically, she accidentally hits a button that takes her to the store to buy new puzzles. I have to get her out. Otherwise, she works the puzzles on her own.

The other day on our flight, I watched her moving puzzle pieces around as she tried to put each one in its proper place. This is not an easy thing for her. She doesn’t seem to clearly differentiate pieces for the edge from those for the puzzle’s interior nor does she consider the shapes or colors. It appears that she completes the puzzles solely by trial and error. It takes her a long time, and most of the puzzles have only 16 pieces. You can set them to many more pieces, but it is quite difficult when the pieces are very small. I started setting them to 16. When she reworks them, that is how they are set when she opens them. The other thing I noticed is that she sometimes works the same puzzle several times in succession. Of course, given her memory problems, that should not surprise me. It definitely does not bother.

Although she asked me for the names of Rachel’s parents a number of times, Kate didn’t express any of the trepidation I observed the previous night when we met Kevin and Brian. I think she has gotten more comfortable with her surroundings.

One of the characteristics she has developed since her diagnosis is to more positively evaluate just about everything. People are smarter and nicer. Food and live theater productions are better. And hotels like the Residence Inn are viewed as higher quality than she would have said before Alzheimer’s. She really likes it here. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone trust her assessment of the things she likes, but it is pleasant to be with someone who is so positive about life. I like that.

About 9:15, we came inside and got ready for bed. Kate commented about how relaxing it had been to sit outside for an hour or so. She was right. It is also true that the period of time between our coming home from dinner and going to bed is always a very relaxing time for us.

Once we were back in the room, she talked about how good she felt about our marriage. She expressed a generous amount of appreciation for what I do for her. (Remember what I said in the previous paragraph. She does have a tendency to exaggerate on the positive side of most things; nevertheless, it is nice to be on the receiving end of praise.) It was a good Mother’s Day, and I felt as though she had treated me like it was Father’s Day.

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A Good First Day of Travel

Except for a delay because of construction on the way to see Kate’s friend, Ellen, everything went well today. Ellen is in a very nice memory facility, not just a section of a skilled nursing facility. Memory care is all they do. She was about the same as last time. Her mind seems clear. By that, I mean that she seems to understand us without any problem. Her speech is the big problem. I recognize, of course, that she wouldn’t be in a memory care facility if she did not have vascular dementia.

I have some trepidation about taking Kate to a place like this and deliberately avoid doing so except for our visits to Ellen. Most of the residents appear to be much further along than Ellen or Kate, but Kate doesn’t seem to notice at all. She doesn’t say anything nor does she evidence any sign that she is in a memory care facility.

Tonight we had a great dinner at McCormick and Schmick’s. Our server was fantastic. Knoxville is a college town, so we are accustomed to having students as servers. They do a good job, but it is striking when you run into one like we had tonight. She’s a real professional.

I have commented a lot lately about how cheerful and agreeable Kate has been. There is one other characteristic that I should also mention. She is appreciative of my help. That has been true for the entire time I have been caring for her. Lately, however, it seems less perfunctory. It’s not just saying “Thank you” or “You do so much for me.” Tonight, for example, as we were finishing our meal, I commented on how good the meal was. She said, “I don’t want your head to swell, but I always have happy times with you.” Then she said, “I always like being with you. I really mean that.” I told her it meant a lot to me that she said that, and it really did.

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Our Lunch with Longtime Friends

We had lunch with Dorothy and Mitch Hinely at Casa Bella today. Our friendship with Dorothy goes back to the early 1970s when we were members of a local Unitarian Fellowship. Our daughters met at that time and are still best friends. She and Mitch married several years ago and quickly became a valued addition to this longstanding relationship.

Prior to going, I told Kate we would be joining them for lunch. She couldn’t remember them. I told her their names and something about them. That didn’t help. Even when I mentioned the friendship of our daughters, she didn’t seem to know who I was talking about. That changed the moment she saw them. In fact, Dorothy stooped down to Kate’s chair, and Kate said enthusiasm, “No, I’ve got to stand up and give you a hug.” This reminds me of my earlier post that asked, “What does it mean to know someone?” Kate clearly knew her in some way even if recalling her name and other things about our friendship were drifting away.

The conversation flowed easily. I am sure we could have taken much longer to catch up on our respective lives and to reminisce together, but it was time to go. I worried about Kate since Dorothy and I tended to dominate the conversation with a little help from Mitch. It’s hard for Kate to keep up, and I am sure she couldn’t follow everything we talked about. The moment we got in the car she told me how much she had enjoyed the lunch and how smoothly the conversation had gone. I was happy about that. It shows that she felt a part of the group even though her speaking time was decidedly less than that of the rest of us.

I took special note of the fact that she then asked me the name of the restaurant where we had eaten. This surprised me since we have been coming to Casa Bella since 1971. When they added their musical evenings, we started coming three or four times a month. We were there just last Thursday evening and will be there this Thursday. It is a place we have eaten to celebrate good times and to console ourselves when things were not so good. I remember a couple of years ago when she forgot our favorite dessert. Now the restaurant’s name is slipping away as well.

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A Nice Ending to Another Good Day

Although we got a late start and Kate slept later than I wanted, we had a nice day that ended in a typically good evening. I do have to report, however, that Kate had a good bit of confusion in the evening. Several times at dinner, she asked,”Exactly where are we?” The first time I said Knoxville. Five or ten minutes later, she asked the same question again. This time I asked if she meant the city. She nodded. Again, I told her Knoxville. She asked at least once again while we were eating and then again as we walked out of the restaurant.
In addition, we saw Dan Carlisle, a retired music professor from UT who was our son’s piano teacher for two years while he was in high school. He is a regular at this restaurant. He is almost always there when we are. I pointed him out to Kate soon after he arrived. A short time later, she asked his name. That happened again once or twice before he had finished his meal. Until last night, she has been able to recall his name. She often mentions he is there before I’ve seen him.

Once we were home, Kate wanted to go in the living room where we sat for about thirty minutes. We hardly ever use this room any more. She was very cheerful and talkative, something I love to see. She talked about what a nice room it is. I mentioned the furniture and other items we had gotten from her parents’ home. She liked that. She took special pleasure in the Royal Doulton China figures that her father had given to her mother. After a while, she asked, “Exactly where are we?” I told her we were in Knoxville where we live. She said, “So this is our house.” It was a statement that sounded more like a question, and I said yes.

As we were chatting, Kevin called. We talked with him a short time and made plans for our upcoming visit to Lubbock next Saturday. We’re arriving at a good time. Brian will return home on Tuesday after finishing his freshman year at TCU. It will be good to hear what he’s been up to.

After Kevin’s call, it was time for bed. I headed to our bedroom. When she didn’t come right away, I walked to her room to see where she was. She was standing in the hallway near the door to the guest room and her room. She wanted to know where she should go and pointed to the guest room. I told her I thought our bedroom would be a good place. I asked if she would like me to get her night clothes. She said yes. I brought them to her. She had no problems like the previous night.

I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came out, I heard her call my name. She was in the hallway where I had seen her a few minutes earlier. The light was out, so she was completely in the dark. I turned on the light. She said, “Where do you want me?” and pointed to the guest room. Once again, I told her our bedroom would be best. She seemed relieved to see me. It appeared that she had lost me. It was dark, and she didn’t know where to go. This is only the second time I have observed any indication that she wasn’t sure about her way around the house. The other time was a few weeks ago when we returned from an evening at Casa Bella. When we got in the house, she said, “I’ll follow you.”

You may think it strange that I would say we’ve had a nice day after telling you about Kate’s confusion. I do find that all the new and increasing signs of her decline make me sad. On the other hand, my mood is also affected by her mood. She was in a good mood, and I find it especially uplifting to see her enthusiasm about our living room and the things we have of her parents. Life continues to change, but moments like this sustain us.

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It’s been a good week.

Yesterday was a full day. We attended a funeral for the woman who cleans our house. In order to avoid rushing by dressing and undressing for the service, we dressed for the service before going to Panera. We were there at 10:30. That gave Kate time to have her muffin and work a few puzzles. We left for lunch shortly after 11:00 so that we could be at Bluefish right after they opened at 11:30. This was really a long way to go given that the funeral was to the west just outside of Knoxville, but I like sticking to our routine as much as we are able. As it turns out, the timing was perfect. We had a leisurely lunch and ample time to pick up Melanie, a colleague at my office for the past 37 years and get to the service on time (at least the time we intended to be there). It turned out there was a very large crowd. We were just in time to get seats. If we had been much later we wouldn’t have been so lucky.

As I have mentioned several times, Kate has had a very good week. That continued yesterday. This was one of those times when I picked out her clothes, and she was very cooperative about getting dressed. The funeral service was over two hours with a lot of singing, praying, and praising. I knew she was unable to follow what was going. I had told her several times that we were going to the funeral, but she wasn’t able to remember. Near the end of the service, she leaned over to me and asked, “Where are we?” I told her we at Libby’s funeral service. She said something like, “Oh, I’m glad we came.” I can’t imagine what it was like for her sitting there all that time and not knowing where she was or why. She handled it beautifully. Her only problem was her arthritic knee. That is making getting around more challenging.

When the service was over we took Melanie back to where we had picked her up and then headed back into town. It was early, but we stopped for dinner before going home. After we were seated, Kate said, “Are we in Fort Worth?”

Despite this kind of confusion, she enjoyed the day. We spent a little while relaxing before she turned out the lights at 8:00. We have now completed seven straight very good days.