Good Times | - Part 18

April 27, 2018

Yesterday’s routine was a bit different, but it was another good day.

If you are a regular reader, you are well aware that Kate and I lead a very routine life. That is in large measure because that is the way I try to organize my personal life; however, it also relates to my belief that having a routine might be good for Kate. Our typical day involves a visit to Panera in the morning, out to lunch, home for a while, a visit to Barnes & Noble or Panera, home again, out to dinner, back home, relaxing and going to bed. We don’t duplicate any of our restaurants in a given week, but we do have specific restaurants at which we eat for each meal of the week. There is some variation on Tuesday night, Thursday, and Sunday night. I might add that at each restaurant we have our favorite meals and almost always order the same thing each week.

Yesterday we didn’t follow the pattern at all. First of all, Kate didn’t get up until noon. That meant that we skipped what is perhaps the most regular part of our day, Panera. She wasn’t ready to leave for lunch until almost 1:30. I decided to go to a local deli we rarely visit because it is so busy at lunch. That turned out to be a nice change.

After lunch, we came back home. I put on some music and worked on my blog while, Kate worked jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. I was prepared for her to be ready for either Panera or Barnes & Noble after we had been home an hour. It turned out that we didn’t move for almost two and a half hours. By that time, it was getting close to dinner.

We had had such a good week so far and our daily routine had been so different, I decided to do something different for dinner. I made reservations at Casa Bella. That may not seem different since we eat there the first three Thursdays each month, but those are nights we go for dinner and music. We sit with a group and have a great social and musical evening. Last night we sat a table for two in a smaller and quieter room and reminisced about the many occasions, most happy but some sad, that had brought us there. We usually order the veal piccata. This time we chose one of their daily specials, roasted pork shoulder with baked apples with fennel over polenta. Even for somebody who likes a routine, it’s nice to do something different once in a while. It was a perfect way to end our day.

April 25, 2018April 26, 2018

Three in a Row

After two very good days during which Kate has seemed very upbeat and cooperative, I wondered what today would be like. It is now 5:30, and we’re about to stretch the good days to three in a row.

This morning she slept a little later than I had expected, so we didn’t leave for Panera until almost 10:30. When she came into the kitchen (where she meets me each morning when she is ready to leave), she was cheerful and joked with me a bit while taking her morning meds I had set out for her. She usually takes several of the pills and turns around toward the sink. I have to watch because she generally forgets about the pills she has left on the island. This morning she said, “I know you. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna forget the others.” She finished taking the first few pills and started walk toward the door to the garage. I looked on the island. The other pills were still there. I hesitated but reminded her about them. I hated to do it because I didn’t want to embarrass her for just having let me know she wasn’t going to forget them. She had apparently forgotten having said anything and simply took the remaining pills and wasn’t bothered by my letting her know about them.

We spent an hour at Panera and then went to lunch. We got back home about fifteen minutes before the sitter arrived. As she has the past three days, she brushed her teeth and then got into bed to rest. When the Mary arrived, I took her into the bedroom to say hello to Kate and told her I was leaving for a meeting and then to the Y. Kate told Mary she was glad she was here. She asked me what she could do. I told her she could rest as long as she wanted and then the Mary would take her to Panera if she wanted to go. She liked that idea. I left her resting.

When I returned home, she and Mary had been to Panera and were in the family room. Kate was lying on the sofa. After Mary left, Kate commented on how well she takes care of things. I said, “And isn’t it nice to have company?” She agreed without any hesitation. This is good for my own comfort level in leaving her. She is still resting but not asleep. We’ll go to dinner shortly. I know the balance of the day will go well. Afternoons and evenings consistently go well. I’m feeling grateful.

April 24, 2018

Another Good Day

This is a short follow up to my previous post about our good day yesterday. I closed that by saying, “We’ll see what tomorrow brings.” Now I know. It’s been another good day. Once again it was a day without any special events. We just went about our daily routine. Kate has also been unusually good humored all day.

I won’t detail exactly what we did as in the previous post. I would just like to make two observations. First, and more important, it has now been two days that Kate has not complained about the arthritis in her knee. Except for how slowly she walks and gets in and out of the car, I wouldn’t know that she has a knee problem at all. I don’t believe this was because of any lessening of pain. I believe it relates to her mood. She has simply been more positive in her outlook today. The only sign of annoyance she displayed all day was at Panera this morning when a young child screamed a couple of times. As I have said before, she is very sensitive to sudden and/or loud noises. As much as she loves seeing young children, she is often bothered by the noises they make.

The other observation is not directly related to her mood. It relates to her use of hand signals to communicate with me. I have mentioned that she uses hand signals to ask things like, “Should I get put on my night clothes?” Or “Should I take my iPad?” Or “Should I take my cup into the restaurant with me?” I don’t believe, however, that I have said anything about her responses to me when I say things like, “I love you.” “If I had the chance, I would marry you again.” Or any other loving or complimentary words. Instead of verbalizing her response, she points her index finger at herself and then at me to say she feels the same about me. This is not something I had known to be a characteristic of someone with dementia, but it may be. I do know That someone I follow on Twitter recently mentioned that his wife used a hand signal to indicate she was ready for their nightly orange for dessert; however, his wife has some impairment of speech. Kate does not.

April 24, 2018

A Good Day Even if We Didn’t Do Anything Special

Kate and I have a lot of good days. Yesterday was one of them. Often they are good because of things we have done together, things like attending musical or theatrical performances or spending time with friends or family. Yesterday, we didn’t do anything special; we just did our usual things.

Kate started the day in a very good humor. When she came into the kitchen she showed no sign of being tired. She was just ready for a nice day. She was wearing a very nice jacket that didn’t match her everyday clothes. I started to suggest that she wear another sweater or jacket, but I decided against it.

As we drove to Panera, she teased me about something. Sometimes it doesn’t sound like teasing. In this case, it was just very natural playfulness. While at Panera, she brought up the names of two people whose names she often forgets. One is my brother, Larry. The other is our good friend, Tom Robinson. She asked me the names of their wives, and said, “I don’t know why I can never remember them?” I hear this periodically. That is one of the reasons I believe she no longer connects her symptoms with her Alzheimers, and I see no reason to point it out.

I had arranged for the sitter to come an hour earlier so that I could attend a United Way lunch meeting. We didn’t get to Panera until thirty minutes before the sitter was to arrive at home. I called and asked that she meet us at Panera. It wasn’t until about ten minutes before the sitter arrived that I told Kate I was going to be leaving. I explained that the sitter was coming to be with her. She took that very naturally without any appearance of disappointment or dissatisfaction. Of course, that made me feel good about leaving. When the sitter walked up to our table, Kate greeted her warmly. I left them to decide how long they stayed and what they would do after that.

When I arrived back home, Kate was resting on the sofa while the sitter was watching television. I chatted with the two of them for a few minutes. When the sitter got up to leave, I thanked her. Kate thanked her as well.

I asked Kate if she would like to go to Barnes & Nobel. I knew she would say yes. She didn’t disappoint me. As we prepared to leave, I saw that she was wearing a pair of brown shoes and carrying the black shoes she had been wearing. I asked if she were going to wear the black ones. She asked what I thought. I told her I thought the black would look better. She accepted that without any hint that she resented my telling her. She changed, and we left. We stopped by the bank for me to make a deposit. I left Kate in the car. The people in line ahead of me had some special situations that required a good bit of time. I apologized to Kate for taking so long. She said it didn’t seem that long.

After leaving Barnes & Noble, we went to Chalupas for dinner. We’ve had a good bit of rain yesterday, and I wondered if it might rain again today. I tried to check the weather report on my phone, but it took too long for the app to open. I decided to check Facebook just to see if it might have been a problem with the cellular connection. When I did, I saw that one of Kate’s cousins had posted something about an arithmetic book that their second grade teacher had written and is now available on Amazon. Before I could read the name of the teacher, Kate said it. Her eyes brightened and she said she wanted to get the book. I told her we would. Then she started talking about her teacher and that she had remembered the teacher’s taking an interest in her. She has been losing many of her long-term memories, so I enjoyed seeing this memory come back to her and that she felt so good.

Just before we left Chalupas, she pointed to her glass and asked, “Ours or theirs?” I told her the glasses belonged to the restaurant. On two or three other occasions she has started to leave with one. The first time the owner followed us outside and diplomatically asked if she would like a cup to take away cup. The other time or two I caught her before we got out the door.

In the car on the way home she started talking about our marriage and how many things we shared in common. Then she said she was tired and thought she would crash when she got home. She asked if that would be all right. I told her that would be fine, that she could do whatever she liked. She could just relax. She said, “That’s what I like about you. You are so understanding.” And she wasn’t being sarcastic. (I realize that when I report things like this, it can seem very self-serving. My intent is to convey her own perceptions and that she is still able to respond to the way she is treated. When she says these things, to me it is like saying, “I’m still here. Please don’t forget that.”

After we got home, she walked through the family room. Just before she going through the door to the back of the house where the bedrooms are located, she asked, “Which way do I go?” I walked toward her. Before I could answer, she said, “I usually go this way.” She was pointing to our bedroom. I said, “That’s it.”

A few minutes later she went to her room, got her robe and asked (using hand signals) if she should put it on. I told her she could. She took her nightly meds that I had put on her bedside table. Then she asked again in hand signals if she should put on her robe. Again, I told her that would be fine. In another minute, she called to me for help. I noticed that she was struggling with her robe. She asked if she had it inside out. As I went over to help, she said she had figured it out. It turns out that she had put her right arm in the left sleeve of the robe. She worked on her iPad for 10-15 minutes, and then called it a night.

We hadn’t done anything special, but it was a good day for both of us. She was in a good humor every minute of the day. I hope my account of our communication properly conveys the change that has been in process over a long period of time. She seems to be looking to me more as a partner in her journey. She displays an element of trust that reinforces my efforts as her caregiver. I know that not all caregivers are as fortunate. So as I’ve said before, if Kate’s had a good day, it’s been a good day for me. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

March 31, 2018

Things pick up in the afternoon.

Kate has never been a morning person, but I think her cold has made it especially difficult to get going. She didn’t get up until shortly after 10:00 today after going to bed close to 9:30 last night. When we got to Panera at 11:20, she was still not fully awake and not very jovial. She didn’t recover during lunch. After getting home, she went directly to bed where she rested about 45 minutes. When she got up, she joined me in the family room where she worked on her iPad for another hour. We didn’t talk during that time, but she seemed to be more alert. Finally, she indicated, though not in words, that she was ready. She just closed her iPad and said, “Well.” I said, “I guess you are ready to go.” She said, “Whenever you are.”

As we drove to Barnes & Noble, she was quite cheerful and talkative. I was playing a CD of the musical Cats. When she heard “Memory,” she said, “I love that song.” I said, “It is interesting that it is probably the best known song from the musical, and it’s the only one not based on one of T. S. Eliot’s poems.” She hadn’t remembered that the musical is based on his book, An Old Possum’s Book Of Practical Cats. She said, “That’s got to go in the album.”

She was talking about her photo album of our family. She hasn’t worked on it in at least two years, but she still occasionally mentions things that she wants me to remember to put in the album. I could tell she would never finish the album more than two years before she stopped working on it. The only thing she has ever done to create the album is to select some family photos for inclusion and edit them. She has never put anything into the software that she would use to make the albums. She did edit and edit and edit the photos. That was the first of her activities to go. That left her with the yard and jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Now it’s looking like the yard may become a thing of the past as well.

Speaking of the yard, spring is on the way. We see various trees and shrubs beginning to bud and flower. I have been watching to see if we might get any new leaves on the shrubs around the house. I am glad to see that at least some of them are coming back. I haven’t seen any indication that others have any new growth. They are completely bare. I’m not going to give up hope just yet, but it’s not looking good.

The short rest that Kate had gotten after lunch must have done the trick. She has been just fine since she got up. Once we were at Barnes & Noble, she got rather chatty. She started reminiscing about her mother and father as well as our marriage and how good she felt about our children and grandchildren. These are things she says quite often. She and I talk about how fortunate we are. Periodically, she would say, “Okay, I’m going to stop now.” She would look down at her iPad. Then she would start talking again. She must have done this at least four or five times before she really stopped. At that point, she said, “Now, I think I’m going to play.” Then as though she had to justify that to me, she added, “You know, you can’t do serious things all the time.” I am glad to see I’ve got the “real” Kate back now, and I am grateful that we always seem to have good afternoons and evenings.

March 30, 2018March 30, 2018

What do I do next?

I am becoming more confident that Kate’s asking for permission is as much or more her asking “what should I do?” rather than “what may I do . . .?” It seems to be a little of both. I think she is unsure of herself and looks to me for guidance. Clearly, I do correct her on some things, so I do think she wants to please me. I don’t, however, see any sign either in the tone of her voice or the look on her face that seems to convey any resentment, just wanting to know what she should do.

Tonight we had another very peaceful and very pleasant evening together. We always do. We had spent almost an hour at Panera that was very relaxing. Then almost another hour at dinner. As we waited for our pizza, she looked over at me and said, “You know you’re the most important person in my life.” I suspect that is something that every caregiver would like to hear. Then we came home where she worked on her iPad while I watched the evening news. The next thing I knew it was 8:45. I went to take my shower. She continued with her iPad.

While I was in the shower, she opened the door to the bathroom and in a soft voice said, “Richard.” I said, “Yes.” Then she asked, “Can I get ready for bed now?” As always, I said, “Yes.” She is now in bed while I write this post. Chris Botti is playing on my sound system. It’s been another good day. I think I’ll join Kate.

March 25, 2018

A Pleasant Day Yesterday

We didn’t have anything special on our agenda yesterday, but we had a very pleasant day together. She was in a cheerful mood all day. At lunch she asked for some help with names. Specifically, she asked our daughter’s name. I told Jesse. Then she asked the last name. I told her Brewer. That triggered Jesse’s husband’s name, Greg. Then she asked me the name of her brother’s wife. I told her Virginia. With a little frustration, she said, “I knew that. It just wouldn’t come to me. I don’t think I am fully awake yet.”

At dinner last night, we sat in a booth where we have sat many times. On the wall is a print of the painting American Gothic. Each time we see it she asks me the name. She frequently gets American but forgets Gothic. That is what she did last night. Moments later, she asked me the name again. Over the course of our meal she must have asked as many as seven or eight times. It is clear that she recognizes her loss of names and is trying to recover it.

The surprise of the day is that we spent almost two hours in our family room after getting home from lunch. Based on the past, I expected she would want to go to Barnes & Noble pretty quickly, but she asked, “What now?” I told her that I thought it would be nice if we spent some time at home for a while and then we could go to Barnes & Noble. She said, “Okay.” I turned on some music and reviewed income tax information that I will give to our accountant this week. She got her iPad and worked jigsaw puzzles. Since we don’t do this very often, I was curious how long it would last before she wanted a change. It was almost two hours later. Then we went to Barnes & Noble for another hour and a half before going to dinner.

When we got home, I didn’t turn on the TV for the evening news. Instead, I turned on some music and read for a couple of hours while Kate worked on her iPad. It had been a very pleasant day.

March 21, 2018March 22, 2018

Kevin’s Visit: Day 4

Kate and I have enjoyed each day Kevin has been with us. Yesterday was an especially good day. It is interesting that music played a role in making this a day to remember, but it wasn’t just any music. It was music played by Kevin and his former piano teacher, Marian Covington. On two of his previous visits, we have paid a visit to see her. She will be 90 in June and still plays beautifully. She made her debut in Carnegie Hall when she was around 19 and has spent her entire adult life teaching piano. She has always been especially fond of Kevin who was one of her star pupils for many years.

During his college days at TCU, he focused more on the organ than piano and has served as organist and interim organist at several churches over the years. With the growth of his family and his involvement with his career, he has played much less. Marian has encouraged him to practice so that they he might play for her on another visit. This time he had worked on Debussy’s “Clair de Lune.” He played it for her and then invited her to play it. She took the opportunity to give him another piano lesson.

The music they played was beautiful. Kate loved it. So did I, and we were both touched to watch the two of them talk about the pieces. They were two people sharing a common bond with the music of the piano. Kate kept commenting on the way in which Marian spoke to Kevin. It wasn’t just that of a teacher speaking to a student. It was more like one colleague discussing music with another colleague. Another comparison would be that of a private master class with a mentor and her protégé. Kate was so proud of Kevin and the way he has grown. As I sometimes say, Kate is not moved by as many things these days. When something like this happens, I am moved to see her so engaged. It was a wonderful afternoon.

Though clearly the highlight of our day, there were other good experiences. We had lunch at our church with the seniors group. Today, a retired rabbi spoke to us about Jerusalem focusing on archeological findings. We had met him some years before at the home of our friends, Ellen and Gordon Seacrest. We had a good conversation with him before his presentation. Coincidentally, we also saw him at dinner this evening and got to see his wife.

Kate handled herself well again with this group. In particular, she participated actively in our conversation with the rabbi and with a former Methodist minister who are friends of ours. She was just as natural as she could be. No one who didn’t already know about her diagnosis would have ever guessed.

This visit Kevin has been able to observe some of Kate’s symptoms that I have told him about. That includes his missing clothes as well as a number of other little things. He also saw her express some irritation with me and her growing openness about not remembering things. As we left a conversation with our friend, the former Methodist minister, she said with a little frustration, “I don’t know why I can’t remember his name.” I sloughed it off in the same way that many others do. I said, “Remembering names can be hard. Everyone has trouble.” At this point, I don’t see any good reason to remind her that she has Alzheimer’s and that it will only get worse.” At dinner, she asked me to stop talking and give her a simple explanation of something I was telling her. Just as important, he has been able to see how well she can function despite the many symptoms of her disease.