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Preparing For and Enjoying Time with Friends

Kate got up earlier this morning but late enough that we were a little short of time before meeting a group of friends at 11:00. We squeezed in just enough time for get Kate’s muffin. As she was eating, I reminded her that we were going to a birthday celebration today. As I had expected, she hadn’t remembered. I explained that this was a group of friends who had been faculty colleagues at the middle where she had been the media specialist for about ten years. Several of them had January birthdays and used to celebrate together. It had been five years since our last time together; so I had arranged for us to do it this year.

Kate asked me to tell her who would be there. I went through each of the six other people besides ourselves. In a moment, she asked again. After that she said, “You might have to tell me again.” She then asked me how we knew these people. I reminded her of the school connection.

Then she asked me to tell her who our children are. As she did the other day, it sounded like she really knew and just wanted to practice names. I told her their names. Then I proceeded to tell her the names of the grandchildren. After that she said, “Where are we right now?” I asked if she “meant this place.” She nodded, and I said, “Panera.” When we got in the car she asked, “Where are we?” I asked if she meant the city. She did, and I told her. As we neared the home of the couple hosting the event, she asked me the names if the people we would see. I told her and also told her I didn’t think she would have to worry about knowing each person’s name, that everyone would assume she knew them. I may be imputing too much, but she looked a little apprehensive as we arrived at the house.

We were greeted by three people at the front door. From that point, everything went well. Kate’s gift for social interaction came to the rescue. I suspect that everyone was surprised at how well she seems to be doing. There was a lot of conversation before, during, and after the meal. Kate was not very talkative, but neither was I. Several of the others are big talkers, and there was a lot of reminiscing of experiences they had shared in their teaching careers.

There were only two things that Kate said that would have been signs of her Alzheimer’s. The woman hosting us had prepared a spaghetti casserole that was a recipe of Kate’s mother’s. We talked briefly about that early in the meal. Fifteen or twenty minutes after that as we were talking about foods that we liked, Kate said, “I wish you could have had my mother’s spaghetti casserole.” I had informed everyone of Kate’s diagnosis before we got together; so they didn’t say anything to make her realize that was something we talked about before.

The other thing was that Kate told them about a school at which she had taught. As she described it, I knew that she was talking about the school where each of them had taught together. I was a bit uncomfortable as she was talking because I knew that some of the things she said weren’t true. I am sure everyone realized that she was confused.

What I will take away from this gathering is that Kate handled herself very well, and we both enjoyed ourselves. I still can’t escape the sense that she is changing significantly and hoping that she will be able to function well in social situations for a good while to come.

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A Very Good Day

Kate got up somewhat later yesterday morning, about 8:45. We were at Panera just before 10:00. She worked quietly on her iPad until a little before 11:00 when she was ready to go home. This is a time when she usually would work outside until lunch, but she came inside and lay down in bed. I think she was still a little tired from our trip last weekend. In addition, she had gotten to bed a little later the night before. The weather has improved but is still somewhat cool. That may have also played a part.

I wondered how long she might rest. I didn’t want her to take too long because we had planned a trip to Nashville for a late afternoon visit with Ann and Jeff Davis. Fortunately, she got up at 11:30 and was ready to go. Originally, we had also planned to see Ellen, but her daughter sent me a text the night before saying that she was sick. We hadn’t seen the Davises since before Christmas; so I decided to go ahead.

We both enjoyed visiting with Ann and Jeff. Our relationship goes back to Madison when Jeff and I were both grad students in sociology. Later, we both joined the faculty at UT. Both couples had daughters the same age, and we used to get together very frequently until they moved away. We have continued to enjoy periodic visits with them either in Nashville or Knoxville. During the past few years, I have tried to be more deliberate in arranging visits because it means a lot to Kate and to me. I realize that it won’t be much longer until our visits are much different than in the past. Of course, they aren’t the same now. Yesterday, Kate said very little, but she was comfortable. It appeared that she was getting along well. On the way home, she confirmed that it had been a nice visit. I agreed. It had been another nice day.

Kate’s recent decline in memory has increased my motivation to arrange other visits with the Robinsons and the Greeleys. Both couples live in Nashville as well. As I look to the future, I am unable to predict just how Kate will change and how that will impact our activities. I do remember that my dad took my mom with him wherever he went except his Kiwanis meetings up until her last week or so when she was bed ridden. In his case, they were not traveling out of town. My plan for us is to continue taking it one day at a time. That has worked for us so far. I hope it will serve us well in the months ahead.

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Special Moments

For most of the progression of Kate’s Alzheimer’s, she has been less talkative than she used to be. That has meant a significant change in our conversations. We often spend most of our time together in silence whether at home, during meals, or in the car. That has required an adjustment on my part since I am more of a talker. My parents talked constantly. I recall times when they had talked while my dad was getting ready to leave for work. and then again as soon as he reached the shop.

Kate’s and my conversations were never like those of my parents, but I would say they were probably similar to that of most couples. Talking requires too much of Kate. It is not uncommon for her to ask me tell her tomorrow what I was about to say right then. That ends the conversation.

Once in a while, however, she does want to talk. When she does, I welcome and encourage it. The subject matter is usually the same. She talks about her family and us as a couple. That was the case while we were at lunch today. I said something about the pictures I had taken over the weekend in Texas and mentioned her cousin Chester. When I did, she said something that let me know that she didn’t remember his passing away last week and attending his memorial service just two days ago. I often just let things like this pass, but I told her that Chester had died and that we had just returned from Texas. Then she said something about remembering being in Texas.

From that prompt, she said, “I’m really glad you got to know my family.” I told her I was glad too and that it had given me an appreciation for large, close-knit families. She continued the conversation talking about her father. She always speaks fondly of him, but she talks more about her mother. Then she talked about us. She mentioned how well things have always gone for us. I concurred. We both talked about Kate’s father having married a girl from out of state and her doing the same. We talked about the places we had lived and the excitement of each stage of our lives. Naturally, that included having children.

It was a very slow and tender conversation. I wasn’t just listening but participating. It is one of those special times that come along periodically. They always remind me that some of the best times we ever have are those that occur spontaneously and involve simple pleasures like today’s very ordinary lunch. She won’t remember it, but I will.

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Kate’s 77th Birthday

Yesterday was Kate’s birthday, and I hadn’t envisioned much of a celebration since we were in Fort Worth for the memorial service and related events surrounding the passing of her cousin, Chester. It turned out, however, that we didn’t have anything scheduled until the family gathered together at 1:30 before the service at 2:00. Kate’s cousin Sharon asked if she could take Kate to lunch as a birthday treat. Together we turned that into a larger gathering to include Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia, as well as our son Kevin’s family. It was a special treat to have another cousin of Kate’s who is from Massachusetts. She hasn’t attended as many family gatherings over the years, and it was nice to visit with her.

Sharon made arrangements for lunch at a restaurant that was close to the church. The lunch turned out to be a perfect way to recognize Kate who hadn’t remembered it was her birthday. Ken and Virginia got us off to a good start by ordering Saganaki, a Greek flaming appetizer. That started the celebration with a little flare, or should I say flame. All of us got out our cameras/phones to capture the flames. That was followed by lots of visiting and good food. It was special for her to share those moments with people who are so special to her. When we got in the car to drive to the church, I said, “Happy Birthday.” Kate said, “Oh, is it my birthday? I didn’t know.”

We met in the Franklin Center of the Methodist church where Kate’s family had been members for so long. Her grandparents’ home had stood on a portion of the property now occupied by the church. The Center has a display of some of the things from the home. Kate loved looking at these things as if for the first time. In her mind it was exactly that.

It was a beautiful service and especially moving for Kate. Family has always been important to her, and Chester was significant for a number of reasons. He had remained in Fort Worth as the rest of the family had made their way to other places. Family was very important to him. We saw him as someone who kept the family memories alive in the place where Kate’s grandparents had made their mark in the early part of the twentieth century. Chester had also been very active in the community in a variety of ways. The church was packed to honor him.

Following the service we spent a little time with Ken and Virginia. Then they went back to their home in San Angelo. We checked into a hotel near the airport for our flight out shortly after noon today. Kate is sleeping soundly. I will probably wake her in another hour or so. I would like to leave for the airport around 10:00. As we leave today, I am feeling good that Kate has had this time with the larger family. That is not something I had thought would happen. She won’t remember it, but each moment meant a lot to her.

 

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Still Appreciating Live Performances

Over the fifty-four-and-a-half years of our marriage, Kate and I have attended a wide range of live performances from Willie Nelson to Bette Miller to Billy Joel to Itzhak Perlman and Renee Fleming. Since Kate’s diagnosis seven years ago next week, we have made a special effort to enjoy the performing arts. We’ve also enjoyed movies, but as I have noted before, Kate is less and less able to appreciate them. That has made me wonder how long she would like the various musical performances we attend so often. I still don’t know the answer to that question, but I am optimistic that it will last a while.

We are now attending three musical events a month in addition to periodic events throughout the year. The three regular programs are opera on the first Thursday of the month, jazz on the second Thursday, and Broadway on the third Thursday. Last week it was opera. Tonight it was jazz. Kate thoroughly enjoys each one. Tonight as well as the previous jazz nights, we have known the clarinetist and trumpet player. They are both retired music faculty at UT and are well-known locally. Although she didn’t talk much with the people at our table, Kate also enjoyed being with them. We sat with two couples. One we sit with every time. The other couple was new to us, and we thoroughly enjoyed them. Programs like this give us both a lift. I am optimistic that we will continue to enjoy them in the future.

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Kate’s not the only one who forgets.

Kate has a nickname for me, “MM,” “My Memory.” I don’t really have a great memory, but she thinks so. Of course, compared to hers, it is fantastic. I am able to help her with most things she forgets. It is not unusual, however, for me to slip up. I did just that this afternoon. I completely forgot about our 3:00 appointments for haircuts. Fortunately, Dawn called about 3:05 to ask if she had made a mistake. I checked my calendar. I had entered it correctly. I just hadn’t looked at it.

Her phone call broke into a very peaceful and unusual moment. Kate and I had returned from lunch a few minutes before 2:00. It is the first nice day after almost a week of cold temperatures. For that reason, I fully expected Kate to head straight for the yard when we got home. Instead she came in the house and brushed her teeth. Then she brought her iPad into the family room and took a seat. When I saw her, I told her I would come in and join her. I put on some piano music by Andre Previn and sat down on the sofa with my laptop where I made my previous journal entry. We don’t have many moments like that. I think we were both enjoying it. I know I was. Thus, I had mixed feelings about Dawn’s call. I knew we had made a commitment to be there. I needed to have my haircut, and Kate was due for color. On the other hand, I hated to break the spell. I’ll remember that as a special time during which we didn’t say a word to each other. We just enjoyed quietly passing time together.

As I reflect on what I just said, I have to contradict myself. Every evening we have a similar experience when we return home from dinner. We go back to our bedroom where I sit in my chair and watch the PBS Newshour. Kate sits in her chair and works on her iPad. It is a very peaceful way to end the day. I think what struck me this afternoon was having the experience at that time of the day. Typically, when we are at home, Kate is outside, and I am inside.

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Darkest Hour Scores a Victory with Us

Over the past year, Kate has enjoyed very few of the movies we have seen. That was quite a disappointment to me because we have always liked them. In addition, they have offered us another entertainment option besides the various live performances we attend. During the past two to three months, I have been very selective in my movie choices. That has meant we have seen few in that time. I had heard good things about the movie, Darkest Hour. Our friends, the Robinsons had seen it two days ago and highly recommended it. I mentioned it to Kate and told her it was about Churchill during World War II. She immediately reacted positively about seeing it. Yesterday I mentioned it again and asked if she was sure she would like to see it. She confirmed her interest. In itself that isn’t surprising. She has always liked films on historical topics like this one.

This afternoon we saw it, and I am very happy to report that she loved it. I was not only happy that she liked the film but that it signaled that she is still able to appreciate a movie of this nature. That gives me hope that we may find others that will appeal to her. This was the highlight of my day.

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A Very Nice Day

This has been a very quiet week for us. Since it started with New Year’s Day and was accompanied by colder weather, we haven’t had as many scheduled activities. I’ve actually been a little concerned about the fact that it has been too cold for Kate to work in the yard. That represents a very large portion of her personal time during the day. I’ve wonder how well I might keep her entertained. As of this moment, that has worked out well, and yesterday was especially nice.

Fortunately, Kate has slept later each day this week. The result is that we haven’t been getting to Panera as early as most morning’s lately. It was actually 11:00 two days ago. Yesterday we got there about 10:10. She was ready to leave less than an hour later. That meant it was a little early for lunch; so we returned home. She asked if she could work in the yard. I told her she could but that she wouldn’t have much time as we would go to lunch in a little while. Although it was about 30 degrees at the time, I figured she wouldn’t be out long enough to do any harm.

It turned out that  she came inside to brush her teeth and ended up working on her iPad in the family room. I went in and joined her. As usual, we didn’t talk during that time. It was just nice to be together. Before noon, we left for lunch. We went to a deli that we like but don’t frequent too often because of the crowds. It made for a nice change from our normal routine. We came back to the house for a short time. Then at 2:00, Kate had her monthly massage. While she was there, I went to Whole Foods and worked on my computer.

At 3:00, I picked her up. We had our iPads with us, so I decided to drop by Panera for a while. We were there until 5:00. At that time I suggested we go home and get ready for our opera night at Casa Bella. When we got home, I told Kate I would get her clothes ready for her. She happily accepted that. The only hitch we had was the usual one. I left her while I went to get dressed. She had forgotten we were going out and was still wearing the clothes I had shown her. When I told her we were going out, she reacted like it was the first time she had heard. Again, she simply stopped what she was doing and followed me back to her room where she got dressed.

Last night we had two new opera students from UT. They were outstanding. We enjoyed our meal and the people with whom we sat. It was a cold night, but it was filled with warmth for us. It had been a very good day.

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Confused, But Very Good-Natured

This has been another very nice day. The moment Kate got up she was in a very good humor. I don’t mean to suggest that she is usually in a bad humor, but sometimes she can be a little grumpy.  That is before she fully wakes up. That was not so this morning. On the other hand, she has displayed confusion throughout the day. For example, she got dressed this morning before I reminded her that a church friend had invited us to lunch. She was dressed more casually than I thought she should be. When I noticed what she was wearing, I told her that I had forgotten to remind her that we were going to lunch with our friend and that she might want to wear something else. She very nicely told me she thought what she was wearing was fine. I quickly decided not to make an issue of this and told her that would be fine. It was only after we had left the house that I noticed that she was wearing shoes that didn’t match in color or style. I let it go, and everything was fine.

On the way to the restaurant, she asked me who we were meeting. She asked at least three times before we got there as well as after we left her. Despite this confusion, she got along beautifully at lunch and following lunch at our friend’s home.

As soon as we got home, she went outside to work in the yard. I let her know it was getting close to dinner time almost three hours later. She had been sitting in the flower beds cleaning out weeds and other debris. For that reason, her clothes were visibly soiled. I thought she might be planning to come inside, take a shower, and put on clean clothes. As it turned out, she just washed her hands and was ready to go. I suggested that she change her clothes. She accepted my suggestion. I brought her a change of pants and a top. I gave them to her and said, “Here are your clothes.” I walked out of the room. When I returned, she was at the back door ready to go to the car. She was still wearing the dirty clothes and carrying the clean ones. I told her I meant for her to wear the clothes in her hands. She didn’t object at all. She was very agreeable and made the change I had suggested.

We went to a Chinese dinner tonight. Soon after we were served, I asked her how she liked the meal. She said it was “good, but not great.” She made a similar comment a little later. Toward the end of the meal, I noticed she was about to finish her whole meal. It was a generous serving. I made a comment, and she responded with, “It’s very good.” This kind of shift in her evaluation of things is quite common. She can easily say that she likes something one minute and dislikes it the next.

When we got home, she walked into our bedroom with her night clothes and asked, “Are we staying here tonight?” This is something else that is not unusual. I have suspected that this occurs because we occasionally we stay in a hotel or the home of our daughter. It must not fully register than we are home.

Given the confusion of the day, one might think it might not have been a good day. But it was. I am glad. I’ll go to bed feeling good.

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Enjoying The Christmas Season

Kate and I returned from my doctor’s appointment almost two hours before we were to leave for Jazz Night at Casa Bella. She asked (with hand signals) if she could work in the yard. I told her she could. Then she asked (verbally), “Where should I start? In the front or in the back?” She said she hadn’t worked in the back as much; so I said, “Well, why don’t you start there?” As often happens, she came inside to the bathroom and then went to the front yard, forgetting entirely that she was going to the back. This is a regular pattern. She does work more in the front. I suspect that habit leads her to do it each time she goes out.

I called her inside in plenty of time to get ready to go out. I suggested that she change her clothes and told her I would pick out something for her. She accepted that very naturally without a complaint at all. I picked out a red sweater and a pair of black pants and put them on the bed in her room. She liked the selection. I left the room for her to change. A little while later, she came out wearing the same clothes she had been wearing before. I reminded her of the clothes I had picked out for her. She asked where they were. I took her back to her room and pointed them out. This time she got it. What makes this incident worth pointing out is that she was so accepting of my suggestions and help. This makes things easier for me, but as I always say, it signals further decline in her condition.

The evening at Casa Bella was everything I could have hoped for. The food was good, and the musicians excellent. It was a program with a lot of Christmas music. This was our fourth musical program in the past two weeks. We are definitely enjoying the season.