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Kevin’s Visit: Day Three

As they have done on previous visits, Kate and Kevin went to lunch on their own while I went to Rotary. Kevin initiated these lunches several years ago with the thought that it would give him a greater opportunity for him to focus on her. Of course, this has also been special for Kate since she is often quieter when I am present.

We met at my office after our respective lunches and visited with the staff for about an hour. Kevin worked at the office when he was in high school, so his connection goes back a good way. I think we all enjoyed catching up on what’s going on in our lives. It was another good social experience. Kate enjoyed herself, and, as she usually does, handled the social interaction quite well.
When we returned home, we looked at several other slide shows of family photos. It was good to see her deriving so much pleasure.

Earlier in the day, Kevin got to experience one of the things that has become a common part of my life. He went back to his room and discovered that his clothes were missing. Simultaneously, I had taken some of Kate’s clothes to hang in her closet. When I did, I found some clothes on her bed. When I looked more closely, I found they were Kevin’s. I gave them to him. Then I went back to Kate’s room where I found the rest of his clothes. Of course, we never said anything to Kate. That makes no sense. That would have only made her feel bad for mistaking his clothes for her own.

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Kevin’s Visit: Day Two

We had another nice day. Once again, Kate got up sufficiently early that I did not have to wake her. That left us with the right amount of time for her to get ready without rushing her. I reminded her that Kevin was here and that we were going to church. I had looked through her clothes before she got up an picked out a couple of things. When I showed her one of the tops and asked how she like that, she said, “Why don’t you just let me pick out something?” I agreed. In a few minutes, I selected one of two tops that I thought would work. I had already taken a nice pair of pants that I keep in my closet and put them on the bed. She had them on when she suggested that I let her pick out something.

When she came out of her room, she was wearing a top that was best for everyday wear, not for church. I reminded her that we were going to church and then gave her the top I had selected. She accepted my choice, and we were off to Panera.

When we arrived, there was an unusually large group from a Catholic Church who often go out for coffee after morning mass. We have become acquainted with about 8-10 of them. I introduced Kevin who had met some of them on a previous visit. Kate was especially talkative and continued her conversation with several of them while Kevin and I were talking to another member of the group.

We had almost an hour before we needed to be at church, so Kate had plenty of time to finish her muffin before we left. In fact, we arrived a little early. That gave us time to visit with friends before the service.

We had a nice lunch and then went to one of our local theater for their last performance of a farcical play in which a group of actors meet for a weekend at the home of the lead actor. It was not a great play, but we enjoyed it.

After the play we closed out the day with dinner with a church friend who had been a volunteer for the youth program when Kevin was in high school. We had a great evening of conversation. It was a perfect end to another nice day.

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Our Son’s Visit: Day One

Kevin arrived right on time yesterday morning. Kate had gotten up early enough that we were able to make it to Panera for her muffin and still be on time to meet him. We went straight to lunch and then came back to the house for the afternoon. A number of years ago, Kate’s brother, Ken, when through Kate’s father’s photo albums and scanned many of them. I put together three different slide shows from some of those, and the three of us watched them. It was fun to see the pictures of her aunts and uncles when they were the young married part of the family. It also included many photos of Kate and Ken as well as their cousins. We had seen many of these pictures before, but it had been a while. I always enjoy seeing Kate when she is really engaged and obviously deriving so much pleasure.

We went to Antonio’s for dinner. It has been quite a while since we had eaten there. Kevin had expressed an interest in going. We all had a good time, and I had the best Chilean Sea Bass I’ve ever had. We just might have to go again soon.

We’re looking forward to another nice day.

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A Little Irish Music

Last night we went to Casa Bella for Broadway Night. Since tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, the program featured Irish Music rather than Broadway. I went not knowing exactly what to expect and how much of the music I would recognize. I was surprised to discover that I recognized all but two of the songs. They were almost all Irish ballads that were familiar to those in the audience who are our age. That was the majority. They opened with “Peg ‘O My Heart,” following by “Danny Boy,” “How Are Things in Glocca Morra,” and “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.”

Once again, the singers were very good. We enjoyed all the music as well as the people with whom we sit. These musical nights have become very important for both Kate and me. I don’t yet see any signs they are becoming any less so. That was a great way to close our day.

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What a Nice Day

At the end of my previous post I said that I thought it would be another good day. Of course, I didn’t really know, but all the indications were good. I am glad to report that everything went well. We left Panera for lunch about 11:30, and then returned home for about 45 minutes.

I had scheduled a rare staff meeting at my office at 1:30. Since our sitter is in New York today, I invited Kate along and told her she could work on her iPad in my office during our meeting. Our current staff consists of three people who have been with me over thirty years, and it’s been a good while since Kate had seen them. I was surprised that she didn’t ask me to help her remember their names during our drive to the office. Perhaps she hadn’t remembered where we were going, just that we were going out. I believe that is true most of the time we go places.

When we got there, we must have had 20-30 minutes of social time. After all, I only see them briefly when I stop by on my way to Rotary each week. I was glad to see that Kate very quickly got into a conversation with two of them while I was chatting with another. In a few minutes, we were all in a general conversation and enjoying ourselves. I saw Kate participate comfortably in a way that I don’t often see. I would say she was handling the situation remarkably well. Once again, I thought how fortunate it is that she has retained this gift of sociability even when her memory is gone.

The surprise came when I decided to start the meeting. I told Kate that she was welcome to join us but that she could also go to my office and work on her iPad. She decided to stay. She even spoke a little, especially at the end when she was very complimentary about these three who have been with me for so long. It pleased me no end.

When the meeting was over and we started down the stairs, she said, “Where am I?” At first, I said, “Knoxville.” She said, “No, I know that.” Then I explained that we were at my office. How interesting that she could talk so comfortably with the staff and praise them for their ability to run the show and then immediately wonder where she was. This is just one more mystery. One thing was clear to me. She had enjoyed herself and handled herself beautifully. I left feeling really good.

From the office, we went directly to Barnes & Noble where we stayed two and a half hours before going to dinner. It was unusual, but today we didn’t see a single person we know. Kate didn’t take a break during the entire time we were there. She might have stayed longer if I hadn’t said it was time for dinner.
We had a good dinner and have spent a quiet evening together. She is now in bed, and I will join her in a few minutes. It’s been another good day.

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A Brief Observation About Our Day

Before it ends, I want to say what a nice day we have had. Kate has been in a very good mood from the moment she got up. Except for her asking me people’s names, I could almost forget that she has Alzheimer’s. I’ll go to bed feeling good.

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A Special Moment with a Dear Friend

Sometimes I wish I were a gifted writer. Now is one of those times. Bear with me as I try to explain why.

Kate and I have lots of good days, but yesterday was a day I would like to remember exactly as it happened. We got off to a good start. Kate was in a very good mood. She got up early enough that we could make our morning pilgrimage to Panera and then to lunch without having to rush. That worked out perfectly because I had arranged a trip to Nashville to see Ellen Seacrest, her closest long-term friend. She lived in Knoxville until suffering a stroke two and a half years ago. Since then she has spent time in rehab and two different assisted living facilities in Nashville. Following two seizures, she went back to assisted living but in the memory care section.

We have known Ellen and her husband, Gordon, since the early 70s when we lived in the same neighborhood in Knoxville. Our children grew up together and attended the same schools from pre-school through high school. We celebrated many special occasions with them including many New Year’s Eves. After Gordon’s death in 2013, Kate and Ellen spent much more time together. They lunched together. They shopped together. Ellen was unquestionably Kate’s closest friend. To this day, Ellen is the only person one than her brother, Ken, that Kate has told about her diagnosis.

When Ellen had a stroke in August 2015, Kate’s life changed dramatically. That left her with no close friends in Knoxville. I have not only played the role of husband but best friend as well, but it’s never really been the same. For a few months after Ellen’s stroke, we were unable to visit her but kept in touch through her daughter who lives in Nashville. As soon as she gave the word that Ellen was up for a visit, we went to see her. Since that time, I have tried to arrange a visit once a month. I wanted the two of them to maintain their relationship as well as they could.

While in Knoxville, Ellen was well-known in many circles. She is a musician who was employed by ETV as a program director and later TV producer. Her first program was a musical program for children. Many children grew up knowing her as the “Music Lady.” She was also a producer of many other ETV programs that did not involve music at all. Simultaneously, she was a very active member of her church and had directed the choir for almost 40 years before retiring a few years ago. She loved to entertain her friends, co-workers, and those she knew at church.

Try to imagine the impact of her having a stroke in Nashville and never returning home again. She was immediately removed from a host of people who could have been of great support to her during a very difficult time. The distance between Knoxville and Nashville as well as the ages of her best friends made it difficult for people to visit her. Besides us, I know of only one person and a couple who have visited her since she has been there. The visits of the others occurred only once. Ellen made a good recovery; however, her speech never returned to normal. That makes it challenging to carry on a conversation with her. That, too, may have discouraged others from seeing her.

We had the flu in late January. When we had fully recovered, I contacted Ellen’s daughter about our coming to see her. That is when we learned that Ellen had fallen breaking her hip, shoulder and elbow. Yesterday’s visit was our first in about seven weeks. She is still in rehab at a new place that is closer to her daughter who has been a devoted caregiver for her mother. She does this while holding down a challenging job with Bank of America and fulfilling her responsibilities as a single parent of two teenagers.

So we have two very close friends each of whom has experienced life-changing health issues, separated by geographical distance, and who haven’t seen each other since Ellen’s traumatic experience with her fall. Now they see each other for the first time in weeks.

I know Ellen’s daughter must have told her we were coming, but the look on her face suggested that she was floored that we had come to see her. Kate took her hand. They both had a teary moment as each expressed her pleasure in seeing the other. The sight of this reunion and what it meant to each of them caused my eyes to well up with tears as well.

About mid-way into our visit, I mentioned something about our not having attended the music club for a while. Ellen and Gordon had sponsored our membership years earlier. Then I told her about our having recently seen Tosca and La Boheme. That reminded me of Kate’s experience with music I had played for her this past week. I keep all my CDs on my phone and pulled it out of my pocket and played “Danny Boy”. That had been a special favorite of Ellen’s. When her son was about 10, he sang it at a piano recital at which he also played the piano. Once again, Kate’s eyes watered as did Ellen’s. I was teary myself. When it was over, I played “Shenandoah,” and “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.” We listened quietly as the music played. All of these are beautiful arrangements on an album by the Susquehanna Chorale. I knew they would be special for Ellen after her career in choral music. It was equally special for Kate. We will be back for other visits, but I suspect I will remember this particular for along time to come.

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Two Surprises Yesterday. One for Me, and One for Kate

Yesterday was another good one for Kate and me. She was up a little earlier than usual, and we spent almost two hours at Panera before having our customary lunch at Bluefish Grill. After lunch, I asked her if she would like to go directly home or stop by Barnes & Noble. I was pleasantly surprised when she said she wanted to go home. I say that because she hasn’t wanted to spend much time at home recently. It turned out that she was tired and wanted to rest a while.

After resting for almost two hours, she told me she was going outside to “pull leaves.” Again, I was surprised and very pleased. It has been weeks since she has worked outside. That is something that used to occupy most of her time during the day. More recently, the winter weather, our having the flu, and the fact that there are barely any remaining leaves on our shrubs has kept her inside. That hasn’t last long before she was ready to get out to Panera or Barnes & Noble. I had begun to wonder if, not when, she would pick up her yard work again. She was outside for a full hour before coming in. She was happy. As I have said before, working in the yard is her therapy.

The second surprise, this one for Kate, came next. She received a phone call from Meg Wright, a very close personal friend from Texas. She and I had exchanged emails a couple of days before to work out a good time for a call. When I mentioned to Kate that Meg was calling, she immediately recognized the name but asked, “Where do I know her from?” I told her they were old friends from Fort Worth and that she had been one of her bridesmaids in our wedding. She remembered that. I also conveyed to Meg that Kate would be weak on remembering any details of their past as she is with our children and grandchildren. I suggested that Meg might mention some of the old memories and that would help her remember.

As I expected, the phone call went very well. It wasn’t a long call, perhaps twenty minutes, but the impact was as great as if it had been an hour. By last night, I am sure she had forgotten all about the call, but it had been a moment of pleasure with a very dear friend from her past. Once again, she had had a very good day, and so had I.

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More Musical Moments

During the early days of our courtship and throughout our marriage music has played a significant role in our lives. It has been especially important to me. You might say it has been a form of therapy for me since Kate’s diagnosis. I keep music going almost all the time we are at home. Kate has loved live musical performances but she has only periodically expressed much appreciation for my recorded music. It appears that may be changing.

On the way home from lunch, I played an album by the Susquehanna Chorale. I had heard them at Chautauqua and bought several of their CDs. The I played includes Danny Boy, Loch Lomand, Shenandoah, Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, and Deep River, among others. She has always like this CD, and I have played it a good bit in the car. This time she seemed to be especially moved. She expressed how beautiful it was and was a little teary.

When we got home, we sat in our family room listening to music while she worked jigsaw puzzles on her iPad, and I worked on a blog post. Shortly, she put down her iPad and just listened. She started to get teary and talking about how much she enjoyed the music. When that album ended, I played my favorite album of Puccini arias. She continued to listen and enjoy. Her reaction seemed to be in between just getting teary and crying. She was very touched in a way I hadn’t observed before

Yesterday, we had a similar experience. The added surprise this time was that she remained in the family room for a full two hours. It’s been a long time since I have seen her remain in one place for so long. During that time, I was playing some very soft peaceful music. It didn’t engender the teary reaction of the previous day, but she was quite relaxed as she worked on her iPad.

We topped off the day by going to Casa Bella for jazz night. It is always good, and last night was no exception. She is relatively quiet but enjoys the people with whom we sit, and, of course, the music is the highlight. I am hopeful that we will be able to continue attending these musical nights for a good while.

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An Emotional, but Uplifting, End to Our Day

After our visit to Barnes & Noble yesterday, we went directly to dinner and then home. Kate’s bathrobe and extra shoes were still in the car at her feet on the passenger side. As she was getting out of the car, she used her hand signals to ask if she should leave the robe in the car. I told her I thought it would be better to take the robe and the shoes in the house.

Once inside she asked me if she should put on her night clothes. I told her that would be fine, that she could just relax until time for bed. She surprised me by putting on a night gown, something she has not been doing lately.

As usual, I turned on the PBS Newshour that I record each night and took my seat. Meanwhile, Kate picked up her iPad and sat in her chair to work jigsaw puzzles. When the news was over, I decided to put in a DVD with excerpts of her father’s home movies shot between 1932 and the mid-1940s. I had gotten it out to play for Kate a couple of days before, but she asked that I wait until later.

The original movies were filmed in 16 mm color, but, because of their age, the quality of the images had deteriorated significantly over time. One of Kate’s cousins who owned a photo shop in Fort Worth edited the film to make a 35-minute VHS tape when they were the latest way to store images. Then he invited Kate’s mother and father to his house where they were joined by one of Kate’s aunts to view the tape. During the viewing, he used a tape recorder to capture the comments made by these family members watching the movies for the first time in a number of years. Later he created a new video on which he dubbed the audio recording. Two or three years ago, I had that VHS video transferred to a DVD. That is what I played for Kate last night.

The video immediately captured her attention. She dropped the iPad to her side and watched the entire video from beginning to end. She was enraptured with the audio as well as the video. The voices of her mother and father along with her aunt and cousin came through clearly. It was exciting to hear Kate’s reactions. The film begins with her mother and father before they were married, events surrounding their marriage in Michigan, and her mother’s college graduation from TCU. From there it moved to Kate’s grandmother’s home where all the children and grandchildren gathered for lunch every Sunday after church. That was before Kate’s birth, but she saw lots of her cousins playing around the yard outside the family home. Of course, it included her grandmother and her aunts and uncles.

The final portion of the video focuses on Kate’s arrival in 1941 followed by her brother, Ken, in 1943. Although both of us have seen these movies on multiple occasions in the past, it’s been a while. I suspect Kate’s memory of them was very blurred. We both took interest in seeing her as an infant in her parents’ arms, playing in her crib, and playing with Ken and her cousins.

At the end of the video, Kate was in tears of joy. She kept commenting on it. She thanked me profusely for having played it. I can’t ever recall a time when she was so overcome with emotion. It was especially surprising to observe that she didn’t forget having seen the video right away. She sobbed off and on for about 45 minutes. She was still moved when she went to bed. I joined her, and she then did a repeat of the previous night. She talked a long time before going to sleep. She expressed her feelings about our marriage, our children, my getting to know her family before so many of them passed away, and overall how very fortunate we have been.

As much as I also enjoyed seeing the video, the most memorable part of the evening was knowing how much it meant to Kate. Priceless.