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Our Visit With Another Longtime Friend

We got in another good visit with the Stones yesterday at lunch. Dot had an obligation at church and joined us a little later. That gave Reggie and me and chance to catch up on a number of old friends and colleagues from our graduate school days. Although he has had a number of TIAs, I was impressed with his memory. In most cases, I thought his long-term memory for those days was better than my own.

Before meeting them, Kate repeatedly asked me their names and tried to remember them. It was impossible. Once again, she handled herself well. At one point after Dot had joined us, she said something about Dot’s manner or personality that was very complimentary. It was a reminder that although her memory is virtually gone, she is still able to perceive certain qualities in people. I wish I could remember exactly what she said. It may have been something about Dot’s smile that she felt conveyed a warmth that Kate liked. I have noticed that she often comments when she sees smiles that appeal to her. That is especially true with photos. It may also be a reminder of how important a smile can be for anyone in social encounters.

We (I) left the Stones on a high note. It had been wonderful seeing them again. I was glad we had made the trip. For Kate, the experience was different. She did not express her feelings, but I could tell she got along well during our time with them, but that her memory of them was gone right after we left them. Even while we were together, she couldn’t remember their names. When Reggie got up from the table to go out front to meet Dot, she said, “Who is he?” At no time did she remember that we were in Raleigh. That should not surprise me. She doesn’t remember when we are in Knoxville. It is interesting that wherever we are she tends to think we are in Fort Worth, her hometown. That connection is still alive.

After lunch, we drove over to Chapel Hill where Kate’s longtime friend, Evelyn Schmidt, had recently moved into Carol Woods, a continuing care community. We have always loved Chapel Hill. I was disappointed that Kate’s memory of the place is fading. Before coming last week, she spoke fondly of the town. Yesterday, she couldn’t remember it at all or why we were coming here.

Evelyn gave us a tour of her new home. It is set in the middle of a beautiful, wooded area. Of course, that is easy to do. One of the things we always liked about Chapel Hill is the trees. It is a deeply forested community. I loved seeing Kate’s reaction to Evelyn’s new residence. I mean the setting of the place, not the apartment itself. As we walked from place to place, she would wander away to the windows that open on to such scenic beauty. Her aesthetic senses were working on over time.

As we walked around, we met several of Evelyn’s friends who also live there. Interestingly, one of them received his undergraduate degree from TCU just a few months before I was a freshman there. He and Evelyn’s husband, were colleagues in the English department at UNC. Although Kate enjoys social encounters like this, her attention was still focused on the beauty around her. I’m not even sure she realized that he had been at TCU. If she had, she would have responded with more interest.

When our tour was completed, we went to dinner at a small French restaurant where we had a good meal and enjoyed conversation with Evelyn. Afterwards, we went back to Evelyn’s apartment that is still stacked with cardboard boxes from her move. We looked at some of her wedding pictures as we had done with Dot and Reggie. We had also attended Evelyn’s wedding. That was over 40 years ago. It was Jewish wedding, and I reminded Evelyn the impression that the stomping of the wine glass during the ceremony had made on our son. After that, he said he wanted to be Jewish so that he could break the glass.

We came back to our hotel, and Kate crashed immediately. She got up once about 1:30 this morning but is still sleeping soundly right now at 10:30. I’ll wake her shortly so that we can hit the road for Knoxville. I’d like to be back home for dinner.

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A Short Trip to Visit Long-Time Friends

Friday, we drove to Raleigh to visit with our friends, Dot and Reggie Stone. The trip seemed like a long one. Of course, it was compared to our typical trip to Nashville. We ran into a good bit of construction. It took us almost an hour longer than usual, but it didn’t seem to bother Kate. She was quite relaxed. I should add that she is usually peaceful in a car. That is one of the reasons I started our Saturday and Sunday lunches at restaurants that are 20-25 minutes from our house. I’m not sure how much she slept, but her eyes were closed most of the way to Raleigh. She talked very little.

I am trying to be especially sensitive to her response to this trip. In some ways, it is a test of our ability to make our planned trip to Texas for Thanksgiving with our son, Kevin, and his family. The other day he asked me if I thought we would be able to make it. I told him I would know more when we get back home Monday night.

I can see already that there is an extra amount of confusion that occurs when we travel. If she gets the least bit confused knowing where to go in our own home, you can imagine what it is like when we are in strange places. Nothing is the same. Not even the Paneras. <G> Yesterday morning I saw a tweet that indicated the length of short-term memory for someone well into dementia is 3 seconds. That’s a pretty good estimate for Kate, sometimes even less. This confusion means that she is asking “Where are we?” much more than at home.

Yesterday, we spent a good bit of time with Dot and Reggie. I prepared them for the fact that Kate often sleeps late and that I needed to be flexible regarding our meeting time. I was quite surprised when I got back to the room after breakfast to find that she was up and preparing for her shower. That was about 8:30. As I have done in the past, I made a sign telling her that we were in the Residence Inn in Raleigh, that I had gone to breakfast and would be “back soon.” This time it didn’t work. I put the sign right next to the clothes I had selected for her. I figured (incorrectly) that she would see the sign if she got up before my return. I was only gone about 20 minutes. When I asked if she had seen the sign, she said, “What sign?” I showed it to her. She had no recollection. I have no idea if she missed the sign or forgot that she had seen and read it. The good news is that she wasn’t worried that I was not there. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t see me when she gets up everyday has developed a comfort level. I don’t know. It’s another one of those things that is impossible to know. She can’t tell me how she felt, and I can’t get inside her brain to see for myself.

Because she was up early, we had a little time before meeting the Stones shortly for lunch after 11:30, so we stopped at a nearby Panera (of course). Between the time we left the hotel and the time we met Dot and Reggie, Kate continually asked me to tell her their names. I would tell her. She would try to repeat them. Then I would tell her again and so on. At one point, she got confused and thought we were also meeting our children, so she also asked their names. When I told her we wouldn’t see Kevin and Jesse, she was relieved. She seemed nervous enough about getting together with the Stones that adding the children seemed overwhelming. In situations like this, I almost always tell her that it isn’t important for her to remember the names, but she worries nonetheless.

It turned out we all had a good time and enjoyed good meals with a terrific tiramisu for dessert. It had been years since we had been together, but we picked up right where we left off.. It would be no surprise to people who know us that Dot and I talked more than Kate and Reggie, but I was pleased they contributed their part to the conversation as well.

After lunch, we went back to Dot and Reggie’s place. They have lived in a continuing care community for five years. I was interested in hearing about their decision, the move, and overall how they felt about being there. They have a very nice two-bedroom apartment overlooking a beautiful stand of trees. Kate and I both admired the view from their living room and the adjoining balcony.

I had not planned on our staying too long, but Kate seemed to be getting along so well that we were there until about 4:00. That’s a long time for Kate to stay engaged. By the time, we left she was tired. It was a successful visit. In a brief conversation with Reggie after lunch and an exchange of text messages last night with Dot, it looks like the Stone’s impression was similar to my own. I thought Kate engaged her social skills beautifully. I also think Dot did some things to bring Kate into the conversation. She showed us pictures from their wedding 25 years ago. It was interesting to see how young we all looked at that time. Kate was particularly drawn to pictures of their granddaughter. As I have mentioned before, she loves children, and the granddaughter is adorable. That’s a winning combination.

We came back to the room for little over an hour before going to dinner. We didn’t need much after our lunch, but that didn’t make any difference in our eating last night. Once again, we topped off the meal with a dessert. This time it was Key lime cheesecake.

Today we will meet Reggie for lunch. Dot has an obligation at church and will join us a little later. Then we’ll go to visit another friend whom Kate has known since our undergraduate days at TCU. We’ll have dinner with her this evening and return to Knoxville tomorrow.

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An Interesting and Very Nice Day

Despite the fact that Kate was up at 6:00 yesterday, she was in a very good mood all day. In that respect, she was nothing like she was the day before. In fact, except for a little normal confusion immediately after getting up, she displayed relatively few of the obvious signs of her Alzheimer’s the way she has done in the past. She did ask my name once or twice at Panera but not once the rest of the day. In addition, she also mentioned our grandson, Brian, by name in an afternoon conversation without my saying anything to prompt her. She didn’t asked me where we are or the names of anyone else. She did ask me the name of the restaurant where we had lunch two or three times while we were there.

Of greater significance, is that we had a very good conversation when we got home after lunch. This is one of those times I wish I had a better memory. I would love to tell you exactly what she said. I’ll do the best I can to capture the moment.

As we drove up to our house, she said, “I remember this place.” I couldn’t be sure of what she meant. Right before this, she was talking about Madison. Did she think this was our place in Madison or simply that she recognized the house we live in now. Once in the house my uncertainty continued. She said something similar about the family room when we walked inside.

She was especially drawn to the back of the house and the trees on the property of the neighbor who live behind us. We sat down in the family room. Each of us had an iPad, but she continued to talk. I wanted to listen and support the conversation. She talked about our years in Madison when I was a graduate student. She commented about it’s having had a great impact on both of us. She said it was a time when we both grew up. Much of what she said comes from things I have said to her in the past, though not recently.

As in most other conversations, she talked about our marriage and how fortunate we have been, but there was something very different. In recent conversations, she has sounded like a nervous talker, just chattering away. This time she was so very normal and thoughtful as she spoke. There was no sign of concern or worry or fear about her memory loss. In many respects, she seemed quite normal. There was one difference that has become more common recently. The struggles with finding the right words to communicate what she wants to say. Often she says, “You know what I mean.” In most cases, she hasn’t told me enough for me to know. I find myself guessing what it was she wanted to say. More than half the time I guess after a few attempts. Other times, I don’t. Then she either drops the point she wanted to make or she goes on with the larger message she is talking about.

I found the conversation to be as rewarding as I found other recent ones to be sad. It was a good reminder that changes are not usually abrupt. They are gradual. They begin with something that happens on a single occasion and gradually become more commonplace.

We ended the day at Casa Bella for jazz night. We both enjoyed ourselves though as on other occasions, Kate was very quiet. There were six of us at our table, and four of us are talkers. Kate and one other woman tend to be on the quiet side.

I would love to see another day like that today.

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Our Day So Far

I went to the bedroom to check on Kate about 10:30 this morning. I met her in the hallway as she was about to enter the bath off the guest room next to our bedroom. That is where she fell out of the shower the other day. I stopped her and suggested she shower in our bathroom. I feel it is safer and have steered her toward it each morning since her fall. I walked her into the bathroom and showed her the towels I had gotten out for her. As I was doing that she said, “What’s my name?” I told her and then left her to shower.

We left for lunch right after noon. As we drove to the restaurant, she asked my name. In a few minutes, she asked again. She asked again at the restaurant. Then she asked her name. After that, she asked if we have children. That led into a lot of reminiscing about our family and our marriage. Earlier this morning, I had seen a picture of a couple dining in the early evening on the riverside in Prague with the Charles River Bridge lit in the background. It reminded me of our trip there more than ten years ago. I told her a story of our sitting on the patio of a restaurant near where our friends’ picture was taken. Each table had a cup filled with peanuts. I looked at the table beside us and saw a bird eating the nuts on that table. Kate didn’t remember it but got a kick out of the story.

Over the course of our marriage, we have discovered that many special moments occur serendipitously in ordinary situations. This was one of those times. She seemed to enjoy my recounting of some of our travel experiences. I enjoyed remembering those good times myself. For the first time in quite a while, she addressed me as “MM,” My Memory. I told her I was happy to play that role.

On the way home, she reached over and put her hand on my arm and said, “You know what that means?” I said, “I do, and I feel the same way about you.” Then she said, “And I don’t even know my own name?”

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It’s amazing how quickly the memory comes and goes.

Yesterday morning I left Kate in the kitchen to take her morning meds. In a moment, she called, “Richard.” I went in to see what she needed. She pointed to the pills. That was her hand signal asking if she was to take them. This (asking if she should take the pills I had just given her) is not unusual. What I noted was that she very easily called my name. That has happened on a few other occasions. In each instance, it seems like it occurred when she needed something. I wonder if the extent to which she needs me helps to trigger my name.

Not long after that we got out of the car at Panera. She asked my name. Then she repeated it several times. It’s unusual that she is able to do that. After taking our table, she asked my name three more times. Interestingly, I don’t recall her asking another time yesterday. Of course, we had a sitter for four hours, but we did go to dinner together and spent the evening at home together as well.

At the last minute, I decided to have a more special meal and went to Emilia. We didn’t even split a meal as we often do. Naturally, we topped it off with a dessert as well. It was a nice change from our usual Friday night meal. It felt good to do something special.

When we got home, she picked up the photo album her brother had made for her. I looked along with her. That turns out to be a good thing since she doesn’t always recognize the people in the photos. Most notably, it’s pictures of herself that she seems to be unsure of, but it is also true of just about everyone else. Of course, all of us have changed over time. It’s not as though we still look the same. She thoroughly enjoyed  going through it and turned back to the beginning immediately after spending about thirty minutes the first time. As in the past, there are several pictures of which she is especially fond. One is the cover photo of her and her brother. The other is a picture of her and her mother. She is particularly attentive to her mother’s smile but also comments on the smiles of others including herself. It made for a nice end of the day. I didn’t even select a DVD for us to watch. We relaxed a little in the bedroom before turning in for the night.

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Increasing Dependence and Confusion

After returning from lunch yesterday, Kate and I took a moment for a break at home before the arrival of the sitter. A few minutes before Mary arrived, Kate walked into the kitchen with her iPad tucked under her arm and carrying her cup. She was obviously ready to leave for Panera or Barnes & Noble. I told her that I was going to the Y and run some errands. She quickly, but meekly like a child, said, “Can I come with you?” I told her that Mary would be staying with her. She accepted that without a problem. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. Kate said, “Who is that?” I told her it was probably Mary who was coming in at that very moment. We both greeted her, and Kate seemed fine. Then I said I was going to the Y. Once again, Kate asked if she could go with me. I told her that Mary would be with her. She said, “What if I want something to eat?” I reminded her that Mary has a card she can use at Panera to buy whatever she wants. Again, she seemed to accept that without any questions. Then I left.

When I returned, she and Mary were in the family room with the TV on. Kate was working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Mary left. I walked over to Kate’s chair and kneeled so that I could look directly in her eyes. I told her I was glad to see her and that I loved her. She said, “I love you too even if I don’t know who you are.” I said, “I think you really know who I am, but you have trouble remembering my name. Isn’t that right?” She looked very puzzled but didn’t speak. I said, “You do remember that I am your husband, don’t you?” She didn’t answer. Then I said, “Knowing my name is not very important. You do know that you have known me a long time. We’ve been married 55 years, but it’s not important that you remember that. The important thing is that we love each other and that we can enjoy our lives together.” She nodded. The way she had responded or failed to respond to my questions makes me think that the connection with my name is almost gone and that her awareness of the nature of our relationship (that is, that I am her husband) is disappearing as well. I really do take comfort in the fact that we will still be able to enjoy our lives together, but there is no denying that we are in the process of a significant change. I didn’t need anything to convince me of that, but there was still more to come.

We went out for our Friday night pizza. When we got home, she wanted to brush her teeth. She stopped as she entered our family room and said, “I’ll follow you.” This is the second time recently that she has done this. She just didn’t remember how to get there. We went back to the family room after brushing our teeth. I turned on the evening news. She worked on her iPad.

About thirty minutes passed, when she asked for my help with her puzzle. She has been doing this more frequently in the past few weeks, especially the past week. She had completed all but 4 pieces of a 16-piece puzzle. Before I could do anything to help, she said, “Just complete it for me.” I did, and helped her get another puzzle. She was having a problem figuring out how to do it. This is a new problem.

I was seated across from her writing this post when I noticed that she was sitting in her chair with a confused look. I decided it would be good for her to take a break and enjoy something more passively. I suggested we go to our bedroom and watch a little of Les Miserables. She liked the idea.

She was quickly engaged and enjoying herself. It was just as though this were the first time she had seen it, not the fifth time in five weeks. We took a break at the intermission. She asked, “Where are we?” I said, “Knoxville, Tennessee.” In a moment, she asked, “If someone asked me where I live, what should I say?” I said, “I would say that I live in Knoxville, Tennessee. We’ve lived here a long time. I was an English teacher and then a school librarian before retiring and serving nineteen years as our church’s librarian.”

That led her to talk again about our good fortune to find each other and how much we enjoyed the same things. I told her I felt the same way. Then I took my shower, and she put on her night gown. When we were ready for the next half, she was tired and went to bed. It was before 9:00, so I stayed up a while. I offered to turn off the TV, but she said she was enjoying listening to the music. In a few minutes, I got in bed with her. She kept repeating how much she liked the fact that we both liked things like this and could share them together. This is something she has picked up from me. I was glad to see that it must have had an impact. Otherwise, she would never have remembered it. I am especially glad that we have had the good fortune to share a love for this particular musical. I don’t think I would have ever played it five times in five weeks were it not for her, but I have enjoyed it every bit as much as she.

I was glad we were able to end the day on a high note. I still feel sad about her increasing confusion and loss of of memory, but I treasure her moments of pleasure. They are mine as well.

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An Interesting Experience while Donating Platelets

While the sitter was with Kate yesterday, I donated platelets. I’ve been donating platelets for about three years following many years of whole blood donations, so I am acquainted with most of the people who work in that section of the department, and they know me. That makes the donation time a bit of a social occasion as well. Yesterday I got a bonus.

About an hour after I had been there, a woman took the chair (lounge?) next to me. Since my last visit two weeks ago, they have added individual TVs at each chair. I decided to pick out a DVD of Seabiscuit to pass the time instead of reading. It turned out the person getting me hooked up couldn’t get the TV working. I put the DVD beside me on the chair. The woman noticed the title and said it’s a good movie.

That led to a very pleasant hour of conversation. Because she had asked about Seabiscuit, I asked if she was “into” horses. She answered affirmatively, and we were “off to the races.” I didn’t mean to imply that I know much about horses and the culture surrounding them. I know next to nothing. I recently read Motherhood: Lost and Found by Ann Campanella. That may seem like an unlikely book for me, but it is her story of being a caregiver to her aging parents at the same time she was trying unsuccessfully to have a baby. So where do horses fit in? Well, it turns out that she has a passion for horses. She weaves stories of her and her horse along with her own story about her mother’s Alzheimer’s. As you can see, and Kate would confirm, I digress. I just wanted to say that was the extent of my knowledge of the horse world.

While I don’t know anything about horses, I do enjoy learning about the variety of things to which people devote themselves. So it turns out this woman, Irene, I believe, has been involved with horses most of her adult life. I had one question after another, and she had one informative answer after another.
It turns out that she is a fox hunter though retired for two years. She opened up a whole new world. I knew nothing about fox hunting clubs, the procedures followed on a hunt, that the people who run the clubs know where the foxes live, and that the foxes become accustomed to being hunted, and especially that some clubs don’t even use foxes at all but the scent of a fox to attract the dogs. I asked some dumb questions like “Do you actually kill the fox?” They don’t. (You probably knew that.) I found the conversation to be fascinating.

Beyond her interest in horses and fox hunting, she has owned her own construction business. Most recently, she has been a subcontractor in the construction of a power plant. I was glad that the TV was not working. This conversation was much more interesting.

As I left, I couldn’t help thinking of my dad. He would have enjoyed this conversation himself. He, too, was fascinated by such things. I might add that my brother, Larry, has similarly broad interests. The Creighton boys are easily entertained.

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Yesterday was a nice day.

I hope my previous report didn’t make you think our days are no longer filled with good things to report. I think we’ll always experience good things. I am sure they will be different, but we’ll have them. In the meantime, we still derive a good bit of pleasure out of each day.

Kate was slow getting up again yesterday. We skipped Panera for the second day in a row and went directly to lunch. For about the third or fourth time in a row, we had dessert. I see a habit developing. Our server is now automatically telling us what they have and any special desserts for the day. There was a time that we rarely had a dessert after a meal. Now we have dessert at five of the restaurants we visit weekly.

Yesterday afternoon we went to our oldest community theater where they were performing Beauty and the Beast. Each summer they do a play or musical primarily for children. When our grandchildren used to visit, we would take them. Now we go by ourselves. Kate loved it.

From there we went straight to dinner at a Thai restaurant that is becoming our favorite Sunday night place. I ordered a dish that we have had before. This time I selected shrimp instead of chicken. Kate couldn’t stop talking about how good the sauce was. She loves rice, and I had saturated it with the sauce. I make a point of this because she rarely comments much about the meals we have except for the desserts. Her taste buds are still working.

Saturday night, we watched the first half of the 25th Anniversary concert of Les Miserables. Last night, we watched the second half. Kate was as taken with it as she was the first time she saw it. This was the fourth time we have seen it in four weeks.

We’re off to a good start this morning. Kate was up early enough for us to get to Panera right after 10:00. She is in a cheerful mood. Sometimes she likes to tease me. She is sitting across the table from me right now. A minute ago, she said, “If you just didn’t wear glasses, you’d be perfect.” I like that better than when she says, “You’re a nice guy, but you’re not handsome.”

As I was writing that last sentence, she said, “What is your name?” I told her. Within seconds, she said, “What’s the first name again?” Then she asked a third time. I told her, smiled, and said, “I love you.” She said, “I love you too.”

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Kate’s father’s home movies were a hit again last night.

We had an early dinner last night. That worked out well because it gave us a little extra time before going to bed. We took part of that time to relax in the family room. After an hour, we decided to watch another DVD of her father’s home movies. The portion we watched last night was taken in the mid-to-late 1930s. Although that was before Kate’s birth in 1941, she had known almost all of the people. She was especially excited to see moving pictures of her mother and father. She also enjoyed seeing her grandmother who hosted a big family lunch on Sunday. She had eight children, most whom we married with children at this time, so there was always quite a crowd. We counted over fifteen who are no longer with us. Afterward they adjourned outside to relax and watch the children play. It was fun to see the people she has known as adults playing as children. It was another special way to close the day.

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Sometimes the best moments are in the evening.

During the past few years, the evening has been our most consistently good time of the day. I say that in spite of the two recent anxiety attacks Kate has experienced. Mornings are a little different. Kate normally needs some time to fully wake up. I think that is one reason going to Panera has worked out well for her. She is able to eat her muffin leisurely while working on her iPad. She doesn’t have to enter into conversation except for the greeting of people we see there. Those are short-term encounters that give her a lift. That gives her a good hour or two to wake up Then she is ready for lunch. When she gets up unusually early, she sometimes wants to come back to the house to nap a little more. That used to happen frequently, not so often now.

I don’t know exactly why the time after dinner goes so well. I do know that I am more relaxed. I believe that is because I don’t feel as strong a need to entertain her. I think of this as a cooling down time. I’ve wondered if Kate doesn’t feel the same way. My recent purchase of DVDs of musicals and operas has certainly given us a regular activity for that time. When we don’t watch one of those, we spend an hour or so in the family room. I always put on some relaxing music that Kate and I both like.

Last night, I had something new for her. When we visited Kate’s brother and his wife in May, they gave us three VHS cassettes with home movies and videos for me to have converted to DVDs. They arrived yesterday. We watched one of them after coming home from our Monday night Mexican dinner.

This particular one consisted of highlights of a Franklin family reunion in 1982. I didn’t recall having seen this video before. I know that Kate didn’t remember. We both enjoyed seeing her parents as well as her aunts and cousins. As you would expect after 36 years, many of them have passed on. The children are grown up with families. It was a special treat for Kate and for me. When we finished, I noticed that she was still moved by what she had seen. I walked over to her chair, and we reminisced about her family and the good times we had with them. It was a beautiful way to spend the evening. What is best is that we have two others, each of which is a good bit longer. That should take care of us for several nights.