Posted on

Talking About Her Mother

We are sitting here in the family room doing our separate things. She is working on her iPad. I am working on photos from Chautauqua before creating a slide show of our recent stay there. She just mentioned that we had done so many good things in our marriage. Then she said, “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so glad we did what we did for my mother.” (She is referring to our bringing her mother to live with us in our home where she had 24/7 care for almost five and a half years.) This is a recurring theme I have heard for a long time. She also frequently says what a special person her mother was and how much she did for other people. There have also been times when she has imagined that someone has said something bad about her mother. In one instance, she said she was glad that I had stood up for her mother when some boys were saying things about her.

Her mother really was a special person. I think it is now that she is fully recognizing that.

Posted on

Panera’s Appeal

After coming in from the yard, Kate got in bed to rest a while. It wasn’t long before she came into the family room where I was about to get on my iPad while listening to Louis Armstrong, Tony Bennett, and Chris Botti. She came in and said, “What can I do now?” As usual, I said “There are several options. We could do something together. Maybe we could find a movie to watch on TV. We could also go to Panera.” Before I could go any further, she said, “Could I take my iPad?” I said, “Of course.” She: “That’s what I really wanted to do anyway.” And that friends is how we got back to Panera for the second time today.

As I pulled into a parking space at Panera, I was telling Kate about a Facebook post by the daughter of an old friend of ours. When I finished, Kate said, “I want to get on Facebook.” I told her I would be happy to show her how, that it is easy on her iPad. Then she said, “I’ve got it on my iPad? But I don’t have my iPad with me.” I told her I had it in my computer bag. She gave me a big smile and said, “You think of everything.” Occasions like this make me sad knowing that we had just finished talking about coming to Panera so that she could use her iPad, but she simply can’t remember.

It might seem strange, but it is clear that Panera has assumed a special place in her life and mine as well. You might think that she would have chosen a movie. That tells me what I have been thinking for a while. Movies are simply not as rewarding to her any more.

In an email from Kate’s brother this morning, he identified with Kate’s dependence on her iPad and pulling leaves. In his case, it is his computer and working on photo albums. Those are his two big activities, and he is becoming less able to do these things. Right now he is working with his wife to complete as many family photo albums as he can before he loses this ability entirely. They are wonderful summaries of all his family from his parents and grandparents to his grandchildren. He has created a treasure. He also hopes that they will help to jog his memory for people and events as he declines.

Posted on

Another nice day

We’ve had another nice day. There isn’t much to report. We spent an hour or so at Panera this morning. Then Kate wanted to go to Lowe’s to see what plants they might have at this time of year. They were almost completely depleted. She did buy $50 worth of pansies that she plans to plant tomorrow

On the way to Lowe’s she asked me if I had said something to Sylvia about our moving to Texas. I didn’t know who she was talking about and asked if she meant Sylvia Bailey, our daughter’s mother-in-law. It turns out Kate was talking about our decorator whom we had seen at Panera while we were there. Kate noticed how puzzled I was and said, “Never mind.” I didn’t say anything more. It was as if she suddenly realized that she may have imagined this conversation. As I have noted in earlier posts, this is something that occurs periodically.

We had a couple of nice social encounters yesterday and today. The first was at Panera’s where we had lunch yesterday. A Rotary friend came in for lunch just as we were finishing up. He sat down beside us. That led to a conversation that lasted a little more than an hour. He is a funny guy and as a native Tennessean and former news broadcaster, he knows a lot of things that are happening around the state. Kate did not participate much, but she really enjoyed listening to the two of us.

The second experience was tonight at dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant where I always speak Spanish with the servers. I engaged in conversation with one of them about how it seems like such a short time since we were there just before Christmas a year ago. After we finished the conversation, Kate said something like, “I would have married you just to hear a conversation like that.” She went on to explain that it was such a natural conversation between two people from such different worlds with no sense of any distance between us at all. I try to tell my friends that we don’t eat out just for food. It is an opportunity for significant social encounters. This is often the case.

I just remembered something else that occurred yesterday. We were driving to dinner when I said, “I haven’t seen Mark in a while. I think I will call him for coffee tomorrow afternoon.” She replied in a soft voice, “What am I going to do?” I felt so sad for her. She has such a strong need for activity other than what I am providing. It is so difficult to accomplish. I have mentioned to virtually everybody who asks about her that she is socially isolated. Several people have indicated a desire to help and would enjoy getting together. Only three people have actually responded. Two of them got together with Kate and me for lunch with no follow up. The third got together with the two of us twice. I believe she is likely to follow up again, but she is a school teacher and has obligations during the school year. I really do understand. All of us seem to be so busy that we can’t work in many extras like visiting someone who may be in need.

Last night on the way back from dinner, she looked at the clock in the car to see that it was only 6:00 p.m. Then she said, “What am I going to do?” She went on to say she can’t just work puzzles all the time which is what she is doing. This is so painful to me as I am working so hard to keep her active, but my efforts are never enough.

Last week I also mentioned Kate’s isolation to our associate pastor for congregational care. I asked her about others in the congregation who might want to establish a connection. I also left a phone message for Don Crawford whose wife has AD. I saw him at church on Sunday, and he asked me to call back. I would love for Kate and his wife, Cynthia, to get together. I am going to be hopeful.

Posted on

Not All Forgetting is Frustrating

I often mention that humor gets us through a lot. One of those things happened this afternoon and tonight. When we got home from Panera this afternoon, it was after five. I mentioned to Kate that I was thinking of our going to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Chalupas, tonight. She wanted to rest first and did so for almost an hour. I went back at 6:00 to say it was about time for dinner and reminded her that we were going to Chalupas. She wanted to rest a little more. When she was ready,we got in the car and headed to the restaurant. When we sat down, she said, “I knew you were coming here.” She meant that she could tell by the direction in which we were going that we were going to Chalupas. I thought about saying (joking, of course), “Well, you should have known. I told you two times.” Instead I just chuckled to myself and said, “You’re cute.”

Posted on

Everyday Mix-Up

I called Kate in from the yard about 25 minutes ago. She came in and took a shower. A minute ago she called to me. I went into the family room where she was standing. She asked, “You want to eat outside?” I told her I thought we would eat out. Then she told me that she thought I had said something else and indicated she was probably wrong. This is one of the many little things that are not of any great consequence but can be a coordination problem, especially if they occur where there is a time deadline that is approaching.

Posted on

A Nice Day for Me, But . . .

We had a nice weekend. We both enjoyed the opera, Electra, as well as our lunch at the Bluefish Cafe. On Sunday I taught my SS. Once again Kate did not go with me. I don’t believe she has gone with me since before Christmas.

It has been a fairly leisurely day for me. I went to the Y as I usually do on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and came home right afterward at 8:45. Kate was doing some straightening up in her room, something she has done a good bit of lately. I asked if she wanted to go to Panera this morning. She said she did, but she wanted to finish what she was doing. I thought it was good that she was getting her room straight; so I didn’t push her. As an aside, she has done a much better job keeping things straight lately. She has even been able to find clothes to wear. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that I have started keeping a supply of slacks in my closet so that when she can’t find anything, I have something. In addition, she has been giving the slacks that don’t fit to our housekeeper. These two things mean that there are few items in her closet. It makes it somewhat easier to find something. I do want to take her to buy several new tops to wear. I think that would help as well.

I am always trying to address issues. Today I have explored a support group for her. So far I have been unable to identify a group for people with Alzheimer’s. There are plenty for caregivers, far fewer for the patients themselves. I have spoken twice with the national office of the Alzheimer’s Association. Today they gave me the name of a person in Nashville that is running a one-hour program that meets once or twice a month in one of their museums. It seems to be mostly a social occasion where patients and caregivers gather and have an opportunity to learn something about the museum. I have sent an email to the director and hope to hear from her tomorrow.

Several times over the past two weeks I have gotten Kate to come into the family room for us to watch episodes of “Grantchester” I had recorded from Masterpiece Theater. I really thought that she was enjoying it although she always works jigsaw puzzles on her iPad while we are watching. Two times over the weekend I suggested we watch something. She declined both times and said that I could watch. Of course, I wasn’t interested in doing that. My primary purpose was to do something together and hoping she would enjoy it. This afternoon I tried once again. She accepted my invitation, but when we sat down it was clear that she had little interested. Then at one point she said, “I think I could get into this.” A few minutes later she said, “I think I will go outside for a little bit. Is that all right?” I told her it was; so she left, and I turned off the TV and came into the kitchen where I am making this entry. This is another example of how hard one can try but not always win.

Posted on

Another Example of Humor

I believe I may have mentioned this quite a while ago, but here is another example of our use of humor that helps us ease by some problem spots. Yesterday morning as we were driving away from the house to attend the Y breakfast, I had neglected to turn the fan up to a higher speed on the car’s AC. This is not terribly unusual for me, but I try to remember because Kate likes to have the air flowing even when I may feel just fine. As we were approaching the traffic light, Kate said (in a very disturbed voice), “Oh, its so hot in here.” I said, “Whoops, I forgot to turn on the air conditioner.” She said, “You never remember.” The she proceeded to tell me that I  never think of her needing the AC. She said if I were hot, I would turn it on right away. This doesn’t sound humorous to read, but the way she says it is funny. She says it in a manner which allows me to respond in like manner. I always say something like, “I’ll never do that again. I’ll remember next time.” Then she says, “We’ll see.” Often she says, “You’ll never change” as she gives me a dirty look that isn’t mean-spirited. This kind of exchange occurs rather frequently.

At the moment we are back at Panera where we had lunch about 11:15 before I had to attend a foundation board meeting. Before leaving, she expressed displeasure about here no having some place or “something” to do. She has been a little bored this week. When I got home, I asked if she would like to go to Lowe’s. She said she would but later. She was in bed in our bedroom working puzzles on her iPad. Then I asked if she would like me to look for something on Netflix that we could watch. She said she would, and I proceeded to look for something. We settled on a British TV series called “The Vicar of Dilby.” In a few minutes I noticed that she had stopped working on her iPad and had pulled the covers over her. I asked if she wanted to continue watching the program. She told me to do whatever I wanted. That led me to turn off the TV and return to the kitchen where I was going to check email and respond to a message from a friend.

About 45 minutes later, I heard her call to me. She asked if I could take her to Panera. She had obviously gotten bored. It is very unusual for her to want to go to Panera in the afternoon. In fact, this is the first time I recall her requesting it except in the morning. So we are here now, and all is well. As usual she brought her iPad. She was hot when we first arrived, but I believe the air conditioning has kicked in. It feels cooler, and she hasn’t complained.

Posted on

Where does the time go?

I meant to check in before now and was surprised to see that my last entry was a week ago tomorrow. It has been a pretty busy week and a good one. Let’s see if I can hit the highlights. On Monday we went to see a neurologist, Kate’s regular doctor had made the referral after I had expressed interest in getting an opinion of a neurologist. As I have expressed earlier I hadn’t felt a special need for a neurologist until recently.

I liked the doctor, but I still feel unsure of our present need for him. He said that Kate was already taking the appropriate medication for someone with Alzheimer’s. I also was honest with him about my being unsure we needed him. He understood. We decided to start with an MRI so that he can see get a better grasp of her condition. He asked a lot of questions of Kate and of me to understand as much as he can, but I fully expected that he would want to avail himself of more diagnostic technology. Yesterday afternoon, we went in for the MRI. I suspect the results will be sent to the doctor early this week.

On Monday night we went to our music club meeting. Several voice students at UT provided the music for the evening. They were outstanding. Kate loved it. Two of the singers were people we had heard at Casa Bella.

On Tuesday we had lunch with an old TCU friend and housemate of mine who lives in Nashville. We have seen him on a couple of occasions when we have been in the area. This was another good experience for Kate and me.

For some reason I got all mixed up on Wednesday. That is the day for us to attend the Shepherd’s Center. I forgot and went to the Y as has been my custom. When I got home Kate was working in the yard. We have been to Lowe’s for plants three days this week; so she has been back in the yard. That, too, is good for Kate. I am happy she has this. We headed out to lunch about 11:30. When we had almost reached the restaurant, I remembered the Shepherd’s Center and that I had signed up for lunch. It was a little early and we had already missed our classes. Knowing Kate was hungry, I took her back to Panera’s for a muffin. From there we attended the lunch.

Thursday I had a morning meeting at United Way, a lunch meeting at church, and an evening reception and auction for the foundation. I felt bad about being away from Kate so much, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. A funny thing happened when I got home that night. I arrived home early, about 8:20. She was sitting in the family room with the TV on and working on her iPad. She said she had been sleepy but had stayed up. Remembering that on one other occasion, she had stayed up because she thought I had asked her to do so, I asked, “Did you stay up because I told you to?” She said, Yes. You told me not to go to bed until you got home.” Very shortly thereafter, she went to bed. She wanted me to come to bed as well, but it was too early for me. I delayed a little. At one point, she was disgruntled because I was taking so long. She said, “I think I’ll go back to Fort Worth and marry Rick Wainwright, (pause) but he’s dead.” Rick was her high school sweetheart. She didn’t sound irritated with me as she said it. She was just needling me.

That makes me think about humor in our relationship. It has become a regular part of our daily conversations. She likes to kid me about being vague in just about everything I say (or so it often seems to me). I have to be very clear, or she won’t follow me. It often happens when we are talking about someone or some event or place. I will make a follow-up statement like, “I haven’t seen her in a while,” or “I wonder who’ll be there?” Most people would understand that I was referring to the person or the event we were just talking about, but she usually doesn’t. I will then say, “I guess I wasn’t as clear as I could be.” She will roll her eyes. Then I say, “I will be clear next time.” She will say one of several different things. “We’ll see,” or “You’ll never learn.”

I can’t think of other examples at the moment, but we have a lot of interplay like this in which she is criticizing me for not remember or doing the right thing. By the way, she is often correct. I believe that it is because so much of her behavior is normal it elicits a normal response from me. In time it may get easier though I am not sure.

On a completely different note, I continue to observe that she is depending on me more for things that not long ago she would not have done. The examples I can think of involve clothes. When we get ready to go someplace, especially if it requires her to look nice, she asks, “What will (or can) I wear?” Then I will show her. I try to give her a choice of 1-3 things. I have learned why she has gravitated to wearing my socks. She has forgotten where she keeps her own. Now she just says, “I need some socks.” I go to her drawer and get them. Another example occurred this week when I took her to Target to buy some clothes for her to wear when she is working in the yard. She was quite comfortable with my picking out things for her to try on. After the first pair of pants did not fit, I brought her several others until we got the right size. What I did was move from the women’s to the men’s department. I got her 4 pair of slacks with a 40″ waist. I didn’t tell her. She would be horrified as she was at the neurologist’s office on Monday when she weighed in at 171. She had forgotten that she had been at 174 at her last appointment Dr. Reasoner.

The last point I will make today will be short. We have had a good week, one that had followed a couple of good weeks before. I feel good about this as I was very discouraged after our cruise in January. I thought our good times might be over. She is more dependent now and that saddens me; however, we can still have fun together.

Posted on

Panera – Like Another Home

Kate is getting so accustomed to coming to Panera that she sometimes just gets dressed, puts her iPad under her arm, and comes to me in the kitchen (my office) all ready to go. She did just that this morning. She doesn’t say a word. She just stops. I see that she is ready, and off we go.. Today I wasn’t quite ready; so I quickly dressed. I think it is a good routine for both of us. It gives us a change of scenery, and we often see people we know and talk with. This morning, for example, a gentleman whom I had seen but didn’t recognize came over to me reminded me of his name and that we had worked together in connection with one of the local arts association. He asked me if I were serving on any boards. I told him I was slowing down now but was concentrating my attention on the foundation.

Shortly thereafter, another man approached me and spoke. He is a former police chief of Knoxville. I had recognized him several months ago and have seen him here a few times subsequently. He is now a pastor. I told him I always wanted to call him Chief but I thought I should change now to Pastor. He told me to just call him by his first name. I introduced him to my wife and we had a very brief chat. These kinds of experiences are good for both of us and help make it a nice day.

Speaking of nice days, we continue to have them. Today we are going to see Robert Devereux which is this week’s Life in HD at The Met performance. We will go to lunch near the theater and then walk over for the opera. This will be a new opera for us. I hope it is one we both enjoy.

Yesterday after lunch Kate worked in the yard a little. We went out for pizza for dinner. We go there often enough that we know the various waitresses which makes us feel at home. This is true for most of the other restaurants at which we eat. Eating out has become a social experience.

After dinner, we came home and watched another episode of “Grantchester,” a Masterpiece Theater production. It was a bit confusing. I’m not sure Kate got much out of it, but she stayed with it through to the end. We started watching another show, “Father Brown,” but she didn’t last. Nonetheless, we enjoyed watching together, something we don’t do a lot of.

Posted on

A Nice Evening

Last night Kate and I went to a special Sicilian dinner and wine tasting at Casa Bella. Kate was not excited about going. I think it was ambiguity over what might be open the menu. It turned out to be very good in quality though I don’t think the price was worth it for us. When I look at it as an experience, it was worth it. We sat with a couple with whom we had shared a table about a month ago. At first I wondered if Kate would enjoy it. As it turned out, she had a good time. They are both big talkers, and so am I. This meant that Kate did not get as much time to chat, but I think she felt this took the pressure off of her.

I am writing from Panera where Kate is getting her morning muffin and working on the iPad. Before coming over she asked me where her iPad was. I told her I didn’t know but would look for it. She made no effort to help, another indication of her acceptance of help. As noted before, permitting me to help can be a good thing for me. It also comes with a measure of sadness over her sacrificing her independence for which she has fought so fiercely.

We didn’t get to shop for new clothes or go to Lowe’s for new plants yesterday. I hope that we will work in both of these things today.