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Bouncing Back After Kate’s Stomach Issue

Ever since Monday afternoon (3 days ago), Kate has felt fine, and she has been in an especially good mood. Yesterday she received the sitter as though they were old friends. She was outside working when the sitter arrived. I was already dressed for the Y. Even though Kate has accepted the sitter each time, I still like to make a formal handoff; so I walked the sitter to the front yard where Kate was sitting down on the edge of the flower bed. I said, “Anita is here. I think I will leave it in your hands.” Kate responded, “I think we can handle it.” I left, once again feeling good that she continues to be so accepting.

One of the things I am learning is that four hours doesn’t allow as much time as I could sometimes use. To go from our house to the Y, exercise, shower and dress takes a full two hours. If I have a meeting, that will take at least an hour. That leaves only an hour to run other errands without counting the drive time home.

This is causing me to consider what kind of schedule I want to work out. There may be times when an extra hour would do the job. Because Kate doesn’t like to stay in one place for 4-5 hours, I might encourage the sitter to take her to a Panera or similar place where they could get something to drink. Kate could work on her iPad. On the other hand, at some point I know that I will want to add an additional day. I don’t feel I am quite ready to leave her four days a week even if it is only for four hours each time.

We are going to get our hair cut in another hour. That is an event that we have worked out well. We go to the same person. We go together. I always let her go first. While she is getting her hair done, I often run short errands. When she has her hair colored, that gives me a little more time.

Tonight we will go to Casa Bella for something new. We have been attending Opera Night the first Thursday of every month for several years. When they added Broadway Night on the third and fourth Thursdays, we started going to one of those. They are introducing Jazz Night on the second Thursday. I think tonight is the first night. Kate is not a jazz enthusiast, but the person for whom the trio is named is a retired professor of music at the university and someone we have known for about 40 years. As always, we will sit with a couple who are in their 90s. The wife is the daughter of the woman who opened the restaurant many years ago. We enjoy their company as well as the music. It should be another great evening.

     

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More New Things

For a long time I have been sensitive to Kate’s behavior when we are eating out. Up until last night, she hadn’t done anything that was likely to be noticed by anyone who was not actually sitting at the table with her. The thing that has bothered me most is that she often arrives at a restaurant looking as though she is tired. Getting out of the car and walking into the restaurant she often looks sad and tired. When she is seated, she often sits there with her eyes closed as though she were going to sleep or is asleep. This behavior doesn’t bother or disturb anyone but me. I tend to feel self-conscious. I wonder if the servers and people around us might think the two of us have had a serious quarrel.

The other thing that has bothered me is her use (consumption) of paper napkins to soak up her saliva. Fortunately, several of the restaurants we patronize give us an extra supply with our meal, sometimes before. Often, we have only a cocktail napkin under each of our drinks. She goes through hers rather quickly and then often asks for mine. That is consumed quickly as well. Along with the salivation, she sometimes burps. It is not very loud but loud enough to be heard at an adjoining booth or nearby table.

Last night, she did something new. Kate had ordered a pasta entrée, and the server brought her a small dish of Parmesan cheese before our meals arrived. I noticed that Kate took several spoonsful and ate them. When her pasta arrived, she dumped the remaining cheese on top of the pasta. The latter is not unusual. She typically puts the entire dish of cheese on her pasta.

This afternoon she has been outside working in the yard. Most of the time she works in the front flower beds pulling leaves. Today she has been out back. At one point, I went out and noticed that she had cut one of the hydrangeas to the ground. I commented on it. She asked if that were all right. I told her it was fine. I just wondered if she remembered that they will die back for the winter and grow back next spring. I also said they would live nicely for another 2-3 months. I just looked outside. It looks like she cut down two plants and left one.

Yesterday she came in the backdoor and called me. I saw that she had brought a man with her. He told me that he does yard work for some of our neighbors. Then he took me outside and showed me the numerous shrubs whose leaves Kate has pulled off and have not grown back or not grown back fully. He told me they needed to be taken out and that he would do it. I told him I had plans and that I was not going to take them out right now. Kate was with us or I would have fully explained why I didn’t want him to do anything. My plan is to wait until Kate is in a later stage of her illness and to have all of them taken out, the flower beds cleaned out, and have a landscaper put in something new.

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Trouble with the iPad

Kate and I are seated at a table at Barnes & Noble where I have been checking email. She is working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. It is rather peaceful here. That is an improvement over this morning when we were at Panera. That has nothing to do with the place but with Kate’s problems working her puzzles this morning. She must have stopped a dozen times because she kept hitting a button that took her out of her puzzle. Each time she would close up the cover on her iPad and put it down on the table. She never once asked for my help. Each time, I reached over to pick up the iPad and get her back to her puzzle. She was very discouraged. In fact, I thought that she would give up and want to go back home. That never happened. Finally, it was getting close to 11:20; so I suggested we go to an early lunch. She accepted.

As we walked out, she walked very slowly. Her facial expression looked as though she were struggling to make herself walk. She didn’t speak on the way to lunch, nor during lunch. I didn’t speak much myself. I just let her relax. As she so often does when we are out to eat, she closed her eyes and appeared to be going to sleep as we sat there waiting for our food.

She pulled leaves for a while after getting back home. It didn’t last long. She came inside and worked on her iPad in the family room, something that doesn’t often occur. I was finishing up a letter to a doctor at Kate’s family practice. He is actually the one who started the practice. I have been trying to contact her doctor since June 26 without success. Something strange is going on. I decided to write the senior doctor to ask his help. I first knew him as a neighbor. Later we had contact in connection with my service on the hospital’s foundation board. I have to believe I will hear something by early next week. He won’t get the letter until tomorrow or Friday. My concern is Kate’s salivation problem. Kate still is not swallowing her saliva. Even as I said this, it dawned on me that I have not seen her spitting out any saliva while we have been here. That is a good sign. It may indicate that she only spits it out when she thinks about the saliva.

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Talking About Her Mother

We are sitting here in the family room doing our separate things. She is working on her iPad. I am working on photos from Chautauqua before creating a slide show of our recent stay there. She just mentioned that we had done so many good things in our marriage. Then she said, “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so glad we did what we did for my mother.” (She is referring to our bringing her mother to live with us in our home where she had 24/7 care for almost five and a half years.) This is a recurring theme I have heard for a long time. She also frequently says what a special person her mother was and how much she did for other people. There have also been times when she has imagined that someone has said something bad about her mother. In one instance, she said she was glad that I had stood up for her mother when some boys were saying things about her.

Her mother really was a special person. I think it is now that she is fully recognizing that.

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Panera’s Appeal

After coming in from the yard, Kate got in bed to rest a while. It wasn’t long before she came into the family room where I was about to get on my iPad while listening to Louis Armstrong, Tony Bennett, and Chris Botti. She came in and said, “What can I do now?” As usual, I said “There are several options. We could do something together. Maybe we could find a movie to watch on TV. We could also go to Panera.” Before I could go any further, she said, “Could I take my iPad?” I said, “Of course.” She: “That’s what I really wanted to do anyway.” And that friends is how we got back to Panera for the second time today.

As I pulled into a parking space at Panera, I was telling Kate about a Facebook post by the daughter of an old friend of ours. When I finished, Kate said, “I want to get on Facebook.” I told her I would be happy to show her how, that it is easy on her iPad. Then she said, “I’ve got it on my iPad? But I don’t have my iPad with me.” I told her I had it in my computer bag. She gave me a big smile and said, “You think of everything.” Occasions like this make me sad knowing that we had just finished talking about coming to Panera so that she could use her iPad, but she simply can’t remember.

It might seem strange, but it is clear that Panera has assumed a special place in her life and mine as well. You might think that she would have chosen a movie. That tells me what I have been thinking for a while. Movies are simply not as rewarding to her any more.

In an email from Kate’s brother this morning, he identified with Kate’s dependence on her iPad and pulling leaves. In his case, it is his computer and working on photo albums. Those are his two big activities, and he is becoming less able to do these things. Right now he is working with his wife to complete as many family photo albums as he can before he loses this ability entirely. They are wonderful summaries of all his family from his parents and grandparents to his grandchildren. He has created a treasure. He also hopes that they will help to jog his memory for people and events as he declines.

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Another nice day

We’ve had another nice day. There isn’t much to report. We spent an hour or so at Panera this morning. Then Kate wanted to go to Lowe’s to see what plants they might have at this time of year. They were almost completely depleted. She did buy $50 worth of pansies that she plans to plant tomorrow

On the way to Lowe’s she asked me if I had said something to Sylvia about our moving to Texas. I didn’t know who she was talking about and asked if she meant Sylvia Bailey, our daughter’s mother-in-law. It turns out Kate was talking about our decorator whom we had seen at Panera while we were there. Kate noticed how puzzled I was and said, “Never mind.” I didn’t say anything more. It was as if she suddenly realized that she may have imagined this conversation. As I have noted in earlier posts, this is something that occurs periodically.

We had a couple of nice social encounters yesterday and today. The first was at Panera’s where we had lunch yesterday. A Rotary friend came in for lunch just as we were finishing up. He sat down beside us. That led to a conversation that lasted a little more than an hour. He is a funny guy and as a native Tennessean and former news broadcaster, he knows a lot of things that are happening around the state. Kate did not participate much, but she really enjoyed listening to the two of us.

The second experience was tonight at dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant where I always speak Spanish with the servers. I engaged in conversation with one of them about how it seems like such a short time since we were there just before Christmas a year ago. After we finished the conversation, Kate said something like, “I would have married you just to hear a conversation like that.” She went on to explain that it was such a natural conversation between two people from such different worlds with no sense of any distance between us at all. I try to tell my friends that we don’t eat out just for food. It is an opportunity for significant social encounters. This is often the case.

I just remembered something else that occurred yesterday. We were driving to dinner when I said, “I haven’t seen Mark in a while. I think I will call him for coffee tomorrow afternoon.” She replied in a soft voice, “What am I going to do?” I felt so sad for her. She has such a strong need for activity other than what I am providing. It is so difficult to accomplish. I have mentioned to virtually everybody who asks about her that she is socially isolated. Several people have indicated a desire to help and would enjoy getting together. Only three people have actually responded. Two of them got together with Kate and me for lunch with no follow up. The third got together with the two of us twice. I believe she is likely to follow up again, but she is a school teacher and has obligations during the school year. I really do understand. All of us seem to be so busy that we can’t work in many extras like visiting someone who may be in need.

Last night on the way back from dinner, she looked at the clock in the car to see that it was only 6:00 p.m. Then she said, “What am I going to do?” She went on to say she can’t just work puzzles all the time which is what she is doing. This is so painful to me as I am working so hard to keep her active, but my efforts are never enough.

Last week I also mentioned Kate’s isolation to our associate pastor for congregational care. I asked her about others in the congregation who might want to establish a connection. I also left a phone message for Don Crawford whose wife has AD. I saw him at church on Sunday, and he asked me to call back. I would love for Kate and his wife, Cynthia, to get together. I am going to be hopeful.

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Not All Forgetting is Frustrating

I often mention that humor gets us through a lot. One of those things happened this afternoon and tonight. When we got home from Panera this afternoon, it was after five. I mentioned to Kate that I was thinking of our going to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Chalupas, tonight. She wanted to rest first and did so for almost an hour. I went back at 6:00 to say it was about time for dinner and reminded her that we were going to Chalupas. She wanted to rest a little more. When she was ready,we got in the car and headed to the restaurant. When we sat down, she said, “I knew you were coming here.” She meant that she could tell by the direction in which we were going that we were going to Chalupas. I thought about saying (joking, of course), “Well, you should have known. I told you two times.” Instead I just chuckled to myself and said, “You’re cute.”

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Everyday Mix-Up

I called Kate in from the yard about 25 minutes ago. She came in and took a shower. A minute ago she called to me. I went into the family room where she was standing. She asked, “You want to eat outside?” I told her I thought we would eat out. Then she told me that she thought I had said something else and indicated she was probably wrong. This is one of the many little things that are not of any great consequence but can be a coordination problem, especially if they occur where there is a time deadline that is approaching.

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A Nice Day for Me, But . . .

We had a nice weekend. We both enjoyed the opera, Electra, as well as our lunch at the Bluefish Cafe. On Sunday I taught my SS. Once again Kate did not go with me. I don’t believe she has gone with me since before Christmas.

It has been a fairly leisurely day for me. I went to the Y as I usually do on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and came home right afterward at 8:45. Kate was doing some straightening up in her room, something she has done a good bit of lately. I asked if she wanted to go to Panera this morning. She said she did, but she wanted to finish what she was doing. I thought it was good that she was getting her room straight; so I didn’t push her. As an aside, she has done a much better job keeping things straight lately. She has even been able to find clothes to wear. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that I have started keeping a supply of slacks in my closet so that when she can’t find anything, I have something. In addition, she has been giving the slacks that don’t fit to our housekeeper. These two things mean that there are few items in her closet. It makes it somewhat easier to find something. I do want to take her to buy several new tops to wear. I think that would help as well.

I am always trying to address issues. Today I have explored a support group for her. So far I have been unable to identify a group for people with Alzheimer’s. There are plenty for caregivers, far fewer for the patients themselves. I have spoken twice with the national office of the Alzheimer’s Association. Today they gave me the name of a person in Nashville that is running a one-hour program that meets once or twice a month in one of their museums. It seems to be mostly a social occasion where patients and caregivers gather and have an opportunity to learn something about the museum. I have sent an email to the director and hope to hear from her tomorrow.

Several times over the past two weeks I have gotten Kate to come into the family room for us to watch episodes of “Grantchester” I had recorded from Masterpiece Theater. I really thought that she was enjoying it although she always works jigsaw puzzles on her iPad while we are watching. Two times over the weekend I suggested we watch something. She declined both times and said that I could watch. Of course, I wasn’t interested in doing that. My primary purpose was to do something together and hoping she would enjoy it. This afternoon I tried once again. She accepted my invitation, but when we sat down it was clear that she had little interested. Then at one point she said, “I think I could get into this.” A few minutes later she said, “I think I will go outside for a little bit. Is that all right?” I told her it was; so she left, and I turned off the TV and came into the kitchen where I am making this entry. This is another example of how hard one can try but not always win.

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Another Example of Humor

I believe I may have mentioned this quite a while ago, but here is another example of our use of humor that helps us ease by some problem spots. Yesterday morning as we were driving away from the house to attend the Y breakfast, I had neglected to turn the fan up to a higher speed on the car’s AC. This is not terribly unusual for me, but I try to remember because Kate likes to have the air flowing even when I may feel just fine. As we were approaching the traffic light, Kate said (in a very disturbed voice), “Oh, its so hot in here.” I said, “Whoops, I forgot to turn on the air conditioner.” She said, “You never remember.” The she proceeded to tell me that I  never think of her needing the AC. She said if I were hot, I would turn it on right away. This doesn’t sound humorous to read, but the way she says it is funny. She says it in a manner which allows me to respond in like manner. I always say something like, “I’ll never do that again. I’ll remember next time.” Then she says, “We’ll see.” Often she says, “You’ll never change” as she gives me a dirty look that isn’t mean-spirited. This kind of exchange occurs rather frequently.

At the moment we are back at Panera where we had lunch about 11:15 before I had to attend a foundation board meeting. Before leaving, she expressed displeasure about here no having some place or “something” to do. She has been a little bored this week. When I got home, I asked if she would like to go to Lowe’s. She said she would but later. She was in bed in our bedroom working puzzles on her iPad. Then I asked if she would like me to look for something on Netflix that we could watch. She said she would, and I proceeded to look for something. We settled on a British TV series called “The Vicar of Dilby.” In a few minutes I noticed that she had stopped working on her iPad and had pulled the covers over her. I asked if she wanted to continue watching the program. She told me to do whatever I wanted. That led me to turn off the TV and return to the kitchen where I was going to check email and respond to a message from a friend.

About 45 minutes later, I heard her call to me. She asked if I could take her to Panera. She had obviously gotten bored. It is very unusual for her to want to go to Panera in the afternoon. In fact, this is the first time I recall her requesting it except in the morning. So we are here now, and all is well. As usual she brought her iPad. She was hot when we first arrived, but I believe the air conditioning has kicked in. It feels cooler, and she hasn’t complained.