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Where does the time go?

I meant to check in before now and was surprised to see that my last entry was a week ago tomorrow. It has been a pretty busy week and a good one. Let’s see if I can hit the highlights. On Monday we went to see a neurologist, Kate’s regular doctor had made the referral after I had expressed interest in getting an opinion of a neurologist. As I have expressed earlier I hadn’t felt a special need for a neurologist until recently.

I liked the doctor, but I still feel unsure of our present need for him. He said that Kate was already taking the appropriate medication for someone with Alzheimer’s. I also was honest with him about my being unsure we needed him. He understood. We decided to start with an MRI so that he can see get a better grasp of her condition. He asked a lot of questions of Kate and of me to understand as much as he can, but I fully expected that he would want to avail himself of more diagnostic technology. Yesterday afternoon, we went in for the MRI. I suspect the results will be sent to the doctor early this week.

On Monday night we went to our music club meeting. Several voice students at UT provided the music for the evening. They were outstanding. Kate loved it. Two of the singers were people we had heard at Casa Bella.

On Tuesday we had lunch with an old TCU friend and housemate of mine who lives in Nashville. We have seen him on a couple of occasions when we have been in the area. This was another good experience for Kate and me.

For some reason I got all mixed up on Wednesday. That is the day for us to attend the Shepherd’s Center. I forgot and went to the Y as has been my custom. When I got home Kate was working in the yard. We have been to Lowe’s for plants three days this week; so she has been back in the yard. That, too, is good for Kate. I am happy she has this. We headed out to lunch about 11:30. When we had almost reached the restaurant, I remembered the Shepherd’s Center and that I had signed up for lunch. It was a little early and we had already missed our classes. Knowing Kate was hungry, I took her back to Panera’s for a muffin. From there we attended the lunch.

Thursday I had a morning meeting at United Way, a lunch meeting at church, and an evening reception and auction for the foundation. I felt bad about being away from Kate so much, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. A funny thing happened when I got home that night. I arrived home early, about 8:20. She was sitting in the family room with the TV on and working on her iPad. She said she had been sleepy but had stayed up. Remembering that on one other occasion, she had stayed up because she thought I had asked her to do so, I asked, “Did you stay up because I told you to?” She said, Yes. You told me not to go to bed until you got home.” Very shortly thereafter, she went to bed. She wanted me to come to bed as well, but it was too early for me. I delayed a little. At one point, she was disgruntled because I was taking so long. She said, “I think I’ll go back to Fort Worth and marry Rick Wainwright, (pause) but he’s dead.” Rick was her high school sweetheart. She didn’t sound irritated with me as she said it. She was just needling me.

That makes me think about humor in our relationship. It has become a regular part of our daily conversations. She likes to kid me about being vague in just about everything I say (or so it often seems to me). I have to be very clear, or she won’t follow me. It often happens when we are talking about someone or some event or place. I will make a follow-up statement like, “I haven’t seen her in a while,” or “I wonder who’ll be there?” Most people would understand that I was referring to the person or the event we were just talking about, but she usually doesn’t. I will then say, “I guess I wasn’t as clear as I could be.” She will roll her eyes. Then I say, “I will be clear next time.” She will say one of several different things. “We’ll see,” or “You’ll never learn.”

I can’t think of other examples at the moment, but we have a lot of interplay like this in which she is criticizing me for not remember or doing the right thing. By the way, she is often correct. I believe that it is because so much of her behavior is normal it elicits a normal response from me. In time it may get easier though I am not sure.

On a completely different note, I continue to observe that she is depending on me more for things that not long ago she would not have done. The examples I can think of involve clothes. When we get ready to go someplace, especially if it requires her to look nice, she asks, “What will (or can) I wear?” Then I will show her. I try to give her a choice of 1-3 things. I have learned why she has gravitated to wearing my socks. She has forgotten where she keeps her own. Now she just says, “I need some socks.” I go to her drawer and get them. Another example occurred this week when I took her to Target to buy some clothes for her to wear when she is working in the yard. She was quite comfortable with my picking out things for her to try on. After the first pair of pants did not fit, I brought her several others until we got the right size. What I did was move from the women’s to the men’s department. I got her 4 pair of slacks with a 40″ waist. I didn’t tell her. She would be horrified as she was at the neurologist’s office on Monday when she weighed in at 171. She had forgotten that she had been at 174 at her last appointment Dr. Reasoner.

The last point I will make today will be short. We have had a good week, one that had followed a couple of good weeks before. I feel good about this as I was very discouraged after our cruise in January. I thought our good times might be over. She is more dependent now and that saddens me; however, we can still have fun together.

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Panera – Like Another Home

Kate is getting so accustomed to coming to Panera that she sometimes just gets dressed, puts her iPad under her arm, and comes to me in the kitchen (my office) all ready to go. She did just that this morning. She doesn’t say a word. She just stops. I see that she is ready, and off we go.. Today I wasn’t quite ready; so I quickly dressed. I think it is a good routine for both of us. It gives us a change of scenery, and we often see people we know and talk with. This morning, for example, a gentleman whom I had seen but didn’t recognize came over to me reminded me of his name and that we had worked together in connection with one of the local arts association. He asked me if I were serving on any boards. I told him I was slowing down now but was concentrating my attention on the foundation.

Shortly thereafter, another man approached me and spoke. He is a former police chief of Knoxville. I had recognized him several months ago and have seen him here a few times subsequently. He is now a pastor. I told him I always wanted to call him Chief but I thought I should change now to Pastor. He told me to just call him by his first name. I introduced him to my wife and we had a very brief chat. These kinds of experiences are good for both of us and help make it a nice day.

Speaking of nice days, we continue to have them. Today we are going to see Robert Devereux which is this week’s Life in HD at The Met performance. We will go to lunch near the theater and then walk over for the opera. This will be a new opera for us. I hope it is one we both enjoy.

Yesterday after lunch Kate worked in the yard a little. We went out for pizza for dinner. We go there often enough that we know the various waitresses which makes us feel at home. This is true for most of the other restaurants at which we eat. Eating out has become a social experience.

After dinner, we came home and watched another episode of “Grantchester,” a Masterpiece Theater production. It was a bit confusing. I’m not sure Kate got much out of it, but she stayed with it through to the end. We started watching another show, “Father Brown,” but she didn’t last. Nonetheless, we enjoyed watching together, something we don’t do a lot of.

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A Nice Evening

Last night Kate and I went to a special Sicilian dinner and wine tasting at Casa Bella. Kate was not excited about going. I think it was ambiguity over what might be open the menu. It turned out to be very good in quality though I don’t think the price was worth it for us. When I look at it as an experience, it was worth it. We sat with a couple with whom we had shared a table about a month ago. At first I wondered if Kate would enjoy it. As it turned out, she had a good time. They are both big talkers, and so am I. This meant that Kate did not get as much time to chat, but I think she felt this took the pressure off of her.

I am writing from Panera where Kate is getting her morning muffin and working on the iPad. Before coming over she asked me where her iPad was. I told her I didn’t know but would look for it. She made no effort to help, another indication of her acceptance of help. As noted before, permitting me to help can be a good thing for me. It also comes with a measure of sadness over her sacrificing her independence for which she has fought so fiercely.

We didn’t get to shop for new clothes or go to Lowe’s for new plants yesterday. I hope that we will work in both of these things today.

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Our Day

I am very happy to report that we got to the Shepherd’s Center just before class and that registration was a snap, just a matter of turning in the registration form and check that I had completed before. We went directly to our class and were able to find 2 seats together. The best news is that when the class was over, Kate said, “He is really good. I want to be here every time.” The class we attended is about the Holocaust and is taught by a retired UT professor. I was not overly impressed at the depth of his lecture, but he was ideal for Kate.

Immediately following the class we bumped into one of my dad’s friends who had taught the writing class he attended for several years. Since we are going to Nashville to see Ellen today, we didn’t stay any longer. We have a little time before leaving; so we came back to Panera to get muffin a muffin and to pass a little time here.

As I was pulling into a parking space, Kate told me she was going to take off her hose. They were too tight. I just finished buying 5 pair last week. I ordered while she found a place for us to sit. When I got to our seats, she was in the ladies room. In a minute, she came back and said now she was more comfortable. I asked what she had done with the hose. She told me she had thrown them away. This is another problem in that it was one of the 5 pair purchased last week. I am almost positive that they were her size. It does concern me that we waste so much money. I just hate being wasteful. We have spent most of our lives being conscious about our spending. This is just one of the things that requires changes in my habits.

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Getting a Leisurely Start

We’re off to a good start today. It is a beautiful spring day. I took my customary 3.21-mile walk after getting up at 6:15 and having breakfast. Since then I have been reviewing and responding to email. I purchased a new audio system about 4 weeks ago and have been listening to music much more than in the past. I have found that to be very therapeutic for me.

Kate got up around 8:30 and got some apple juice. I reminded her that we get haircuts at 10:30 this morning and that she would get color. Then she went back to her bedroom and turned on the TV. When I went back about 15 minutes ago, she was just getting up to get her iPad. She asked me to bring her some yogurt which I did. I had started to ask if she would want her morning muffin at Panera but chose not to do so when she seemed like she just wanted to relax right now. I changed out of my walking clothes and dressed for the day. I felt it was better for her to relax, and we could leisurely get to our haircuts. She doesn’t really need the muffin. She is up to 174 now, a far cry from 99 before we were married. It is hard for her to stop eating though. Last night I had suggested we go to Hathaway’s for dinner. I was thinking that we both needed something less fattening. I got a cup of black bean soup, and we split a grilled salmon with asparagus and a baked sweet potato. I had only gotten the soup because the rest is not usually that filling. When I started to ask our server for the check, Kate said, “Don’t you want some dessert?” I really didn’t but knew she did. We ended up getting the skillet chocolate chip cookie which I think is to die for but has to be loaded with calories. The upshot of that was that when we left, I was stuffed again. I find that I am having a difficult time getting my weight back to what I like it to be (160-162 vs. 164-167).

This is just of the type of adaptations that one has to make along this journey. I believe it is worth it, however. I don’t want to look back one of these days and wish that I had loosened up a bit on my routine.

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What’s Happening as We Begin 2016

We got back around 8:30 New Year’s Eve from a successful trip to Texas. Since then we have been gradually getting back to normal. As always, Kate is enjoying being at home. She has been busying herself getting all the Christmas decorations put away. She has also been putting order into her closets and rooms. Not sure what motivated this, but it is nice to see.

Close to lunch time I asked if she would like to see The Danish Girl. She indicated she would. We went to Panera. Then we drove downtown for the movie. As we arrived downtown, she asked, “Did you need to do something downtown?” I told her that we were going to the movie. She hadn’t remembered that I had told her we were going there. This is not simply an illustration of her forgetfulness but mine as well. It is quite possible that I had not reminded her that we were going to a movie during or after lunch despite the fact that I know she can’t remember from my telling her before lunch. It is amazing how often I fail to remember that she can’t remember. I think it is because so much of her behavior seems quite normal that it reinforces my responding to her as though she is normal.

Following a movie yesterday afternoon, we went to A store next to the theater. Kate was looking for gloves. She was not happy with the fact that the ones she liked had a logo on the upper side. I asked her if she would like me to take her to Belk to look. She said, “”No.” As we were approaching home, she said, “”I think I would like to go by Belk’s.” This is the kind of thing that is often a bit frustrating for me in that I would have gone a more direct way to Belk’s had she decided earlier. I told her I would be happy to do that, and we went. Right away she found a pair of gloves that she liked. They were very much like the ones she had just bought but without the logo. I held those gloves for her while she looked at some others. She found a pair of dressier, leather gloves that she liked. She wanted to get both. When I mentioned the gloves she had just bought , she had forgotten getting them. She said she would only get the leather gloves. On the way home she said she would put them in her leather jacket (which she was wearing) so that she would know where to find them. This afternoon when we were about to leave for lunch, she couldn’t find the gloves but did find the more casual ones. We have a lot of this kind of thing.

Last night she said she would go to church with me this morning. She got to bed at 9:00 or shortly thereafter. This morning I got up at 5:40. I left for a walk at 6:45. When I returned about 7:30, I could see that she had eaten some yogurt. When I went to the bedroom, she was still in bed. At 8:30, she was still in bed. I asked if she still wanted to go with me to church or stay at home. She asked if I would mind if she stayed at home. I assured here that it did not matter to me. She chose to remain at home. I told her that would return home after Sunday school and take her to lunch. I got home at 11:20. She was up but not dressed. I said, “”Oh, you’re not ready.” That was the wrong thing to say. I knew it the minute it came out of my mouth. I try to be more careful than this, but I am far from perfect. This was a frustration for me because I had rushed home so that we could get to lunch before the crowd. She was irritated with me and told me she would have to take a shower. I went into the bedroom and watched a portion of a recorded program of CBS Sunday Morning. After an hour or so, Kate came into the bedroom where I was watching TV. She held out her iPad and said, “I found it.” I could tell that she thought I had known that she had misplaced it but simply said, “”Good.” It looked like she was close to being ready; so I went into the kitchen and started to enter this particular post on my laptop. I didn’t get very far. It ended up that we didn’’t leave the house until 12:50 which was 1 ½ hours after I had gotten home from church. She reached her hand over and put it on my leg as we were driving. I took this as her way of saying, “I’m sorry for making you wait.”

We had a pleasant lunch and talked more than usual. As we were driving home from lunch, I said, “”Well, you found your iPad.” She then said that I was cute last night. She went on to explain that when she had asked me where my iPad was that I said, “Where you put it.” In actuality, she had never told me the iPad was missing. As I recall she had been using it in bed up until she turned in for the night. Obviously, she had misplaced it this morning. She just imagined that this had happened last night and that she had asked me about it. I am wondering if this is going to be a regular occurrence from now on.

All in all, our trip went well, and we are off to a good start on the New Year. I feel good about how she will get along on the trip. I will need to watch the pacing of our activities. I will try to avoid early morning excursions to give her time to go back to bed after she gets up and has breakfast. I am approaching the cruise with the mindset that we don’t have to meet any schedule unless she is up to it. So far I haven’t signed up for any excursions. I will probably do so for the first morning we are in port as a test for how it goes.

Throughout the trip she got plenty of time to nap in the morning and the afternoon. I suspect this is going to become more common in the months ahead.

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The Role of Humor

After being so depressed last night, Kate was herself this morning at least until it was time for us to get a bite to eat before our haircuts at 11:00. Here’s what happened. About 9:45 I went back to her office where she was working on her laptop. I told her we would need to leave in 30 minutes if we wanted to get something to eat before our haircuts. She indicated that would not be a problem. In the meantime, I went back to my computer. After 15 minutes, I went back to let her know that we had 15 minutes. Before I could say anything, she said somewhat angrily, “What do you want? You can see I’m getting ready.” Seeing that she was well on her way to being ready, I let her alone and didn’t say anything more. At 10:15 she called to me and asked, “Where are you?” She was all ready to go. Knowing that she would wait for me while I was getting my haircut, I asked if she wanted to take her iPad. She said, “And my computer too.” I could see that she didn’t have her computer; so I assumed that I needed to get it for her. Since she had been using it in her office, I went there to get it. I didn’t find it. In the meantime, I discovered that she was looking for it as well. I told her I had seen her using it in the office but didn’t see it there. We both started looking in different rooms of the house. Then she asked where her iPad was. I told her it was probably in the bedroom, but I had no luck there. Then I asked her, “You wouldn’t have taken both of them and put them in the car, would you?” Before she could answer, I went to the car to check. They were in the front seat of the car. She acted quite relieved to know they were found; however, she had already gotten pretty worked up and couldn’t immediately calm down. This was not a full-blown panic attack but her heart appeared to be racing and she was breathing more heavily than normal.

We went to Panera. On the way over I asked, “Are you back to normal now?” (This is something that occurs somewhat frequently. I ask the question, and she tells me if she is or isn’t.) She told me, “Not yet.” I sense that this routine exchange seems to facilitate her calming down IF I don’t I appear to be pushing her but simply being sympathetic. I told her I thought she would be perfectly calm by the time I brought her food to her. That didn’t happen. She told me (in a nice way) that she still wasn’t back to normal. About half way through her sandwich, she said, “I’m all right now.” We both smiled and went on with our lunch.

I dropped her off to get her haircut while I went back home to take care of a few things and to stop by Walgreens to pick up a prescription. When she finished, I took my place to have my hair shampooed. In a few minutes she approached me and indicated she wanted to get a Dr. Pepper out of the car. I gave her my key with some hesitation and gave her instructions as to where I had parked. Kate left. I felt uneasy, and Dawn said she would follow her to the car. I told her what my car looked like and where it was parked. She came back in a few minutes and said that Kate had immediately turned left as she walked out of the shop instead of going straight as I had told her. Then she couldn’t find the car, but Dawn helped her.

When I had finished, we both went to the car. I asked her for the car key. She didn’t have it. I went back in the shop and found that she had put it on the bench beside the spot where she had been sitting. When I came back with the key, she was quite relieved. She was about to panic again. She joked abut my having to put up with so much from her that sometime I was going to lose my patience and just shoot her. I smiled at her and said, “It’s not going to happen.” We both laughed. I said, “At least we can keep our humor.”

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From Panera

I woke up early this morning (4:55). Kate got up around 6:30. I walked and came back to the house. Around 8:30, I noted that she was still in bed. I asked her if she would like me to take her to Panera. She jumped on that immediately. She wasn’t really sleepy, just bored. She had been working jigsaw puzzles and got tired of that. The weather isn’t conducive to working in the yard.

When she got in the car, I looked at her jacket. It was one that I didn’t recognize. Then I gathered that it must belong to Libby, our housekeeper. She had come just a few minutes before our leaving. Kate quickly returned the jacket to the house. When she returned, she thanked me for noticing. She said, “You rescued me again.”

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Imagining Things

Last night as I was turning into Ruby Tuesday for dinner, I said to Kate, “Oh, I forgot to bring my $5 off coupon again.” She said with a bit of irritation, “Why don’t you keep it in the car.” Then she went on to say, “I’ve told you at least 3 times to do that. You don’t listen to me.” This led to a further exchange in which I said, “You don’t think I listen to you.” She said, “No, you don’t.” My point in bringing up this episode is that she has never suggested that I keep the coupon in the car. In fact, we have not really discussed this. The only prior mention occurred the last time we were here about 2 weeks ago when I also had forgotten the coupon.

Kate did not sleep well last night. At 2:30 this morning she mentioned that she couldn’t sleep. I know she was awake around 4:00 when I woke up again before falling asleep until 5:00. I think she was awake then. I got up at 6:00. She has rested a little since that time, but I really believe she lost a lot of sleep. I asked her a few minutes ago if she had been worried about something. She said she hadn’t and couldn’t figure out why she couldnt sleep.

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Communicating Indirectly

I have often noted that Kate does not like to talk about her Alzheimer’s, but that she regularly makes indirect references to it. Here is an example from today. Last Friday her friend, Camille, invited her to lunch at noon today. I had suggested this time as I have Rotary at 12:30 on Monday. I arrived home from the office at 11:00 to make sure Kate would be ready when Camille arrived. I discovered that Kate had already come in from outside and had taken her shower before getting ready. I told her I would get her debit card for her and that I was putting a note indicating to tip $4.00 no matter what the check would be. She took the card and note which were in a small purse.” Knowing she might put it down in her room and not be able to find it later, I suggested she give it to me. She would have no part of that. Then I suggested that we put it in a place that both of us would know. She liked that. I told her I would put it on the corner of the island in the kitchen where I keep her daily calendar. She agreed to that.

Ten to fifteen minutes later she walked into the family room and said, “On the island in the kitchen.” I said, “You got it. Two thumbs up.” Then she said, “Four thumbs up” indicating that she was giving herself a pat on the back. No conversation about Alzheimer’s, just a subtle statement of the situation indicating her own recognition of her own memory problem.