This morning I had fixed a glass of ice water and placed it on the kitchen counter where I was preparing to use my computer. Kate came in and put ice in a glass and put it on the island. She also brought in an empty glass and put it on the counter next to the sink. In a few minutes she pointed to my glass and asked if it were hers. I told her it wasn’t, that hers was on the island. Then I said (pointing to the empty glass on the counter next to the sink), “That one is yours too. We both laughed, and she gave me a hug. We both knew that I was joking about her memory in that she had put 2 glasses in the kitchen including one to which she had added ice but had forgotten. All this occurred in a matter of minutes. I then said, “That was mean. I shouldn’t have said that.” She wasn’t at all troubled and said something about liking my humor.
Ellen’s Noticing Confusion
Yesterday at Chautauqua, Ellen told me that the day before Kate had pointed to a place on Bestor Plaza and said that it was a nice shop and that she had bought things there before. Ellen and Gordon’s sister, Ann, went there and discovered that it was someone’s house.
I observed a number of things that Kate told people during the week that I knew were not correct. They were all minor things. In such cases, I don’t say anything. It would only make Kate feel bad, and it wouldn’t make any difference to the listener. I wish I always exercised good judgment, but I find that when it is just the two of us I seem to be more prone to correct her.
Another Good Father’s Day
Yesterday was a good day for everyone. Taylor slept until after 10:00 am, and Kate worked in the yard most of the morning. I read the paper, caught up on email, and wrote an entry in this journal. Taylor and I played in the pool for about an hour. We had lunch at Panera’s and got ice cream at Marble Slab afterwards. We came back home where Kate and Taylor worked puzzles for a while before we went back in the pool until time for dinner. We came home and watched the Spurs beat the Heat to win the NBA championship for the second time in a row. Last year we watched the final game in Jackson Hole where we celebrated our 50th anniversary.
Kate did not say anything about its being Father’s Day, but she did realize when Jesse called, and later we talked with Kevin. As we drove back from dinner, she said, “I hope you’ve had a nice birthday.” I told her that I get to celebrate twice this week, today for Father’s Day and Tuesday for my birthday. I am not sure she understood. When we got into bed last night, she said, “Happy Birthday.” The only sadness I feel about her is that it is another sign of her continuing deterioration.
A couple of other things are illustrative of her condition. She asked me several times yesterday what time we would leave for Charlotte today (to take Taylor to the airport). I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t ask again this morning.
As we were about to leave Panera’s yesterday, she asked if we could drive home the other way to show Taylor. I told her we could. After we had gone a short way, Taylor said, “How far is it?” She said it was not far, just a little bit farther than the usual way. (I watched the odometer and noticed that it is 2 miles farther.) When we passed Panera’s, Taylor asked, “Did we just go in a circle?” Kate answered, “Well, . . . you might say that.” Then she asked me if that is correct. I told her it was. What was interesting was that Taylor at age 11 very quickly observed that we just went in a circle, but she had not and had to check with me to confirm it.
I continue to be pleased that she enjoys the grandchildren so much and will definitely be thinking about some kind of plans for us to get together over the next year and next summer.
Our yard is looking better all the time. This is another thing from which she can derive satisfaction. I love it because it gives her something productive to do, and I love the beauty she has created. She doesn’t always do things the way I would (if I did them at all), but overall she makes the yard look more beautiful. That makes both of us happy.
Fun with the Texas Grandson
Now that the twins have gone we are down to one grandson, but the fun continues. Kate has always, and continues, to enjoy being around the grandchildren. This year is no different. We had a good day with Taylor yesterday. We swam in the morning, went to Chick-fil-A for lunch, saw a movie, had ice cream at Marble Slab, came back home for another swim, went to dinner, and topped off the day with a game of Battle which he won.
The enjoyment that Kate has gotten from the grandchildren is making me think more seriously of planning something for next summer even if we don’t have them one at a time. The reason I am not considering having them one at a time is that I am not sure that I can handle both Kate and the grandchildren. On the other hand, if she is still as easy to care for as she is now, we could do it another summer.
We loved the movie yesterday. At least I did. Taylor said he thought it was interesting. Kate wasn’t taken with it at all. It was Million Dollar Arm. It is about a sports agent who brings a couple of guys from India to the US to learn how to pitch. It is based on a true story, but Kate did not realize it until the end when they showed the real people. I had read her the description of the movie before going, but not surprisingly she didn’t get the part about the “true” part. I never thought to emphasize that to her. In fact, I didn’t think of that as a critical part. It was just a good story. This is the kind of thing that happens every day. I try to prepare her for things, but I just can’t anticipate what is going on in her mind. Nevertheless, I always try to think what I could have done to avoid confusion. It is similar to her panic when she couldn’t find me at Great Wolf the other day. I never thought she would be confused about my whereabouts, or I would have clearly told her I was going with the grandchildren and would be back. I thought she heard the conversation and saw me leave. It is a sign that she is not even listening much of the time. It must be such a strain trying to follow everything that is said and going on. She just tunes out.
Wilderness at the Smokies with Jesse
Jesse and the twins arrived from Mt. Pleasant on Wednesday, June 11. The next day we all went to Nashville where we spent the night at Wilderness at the Smokies, an indoor water park. It was a great time for all. The boys, as usual, got along quite well, and they loved all the things to do involving water. Kate was especially getting to watch her three grandsons having such a wonderful time.
I did not get to talk extensively with Jesse regarding her impressions of Kate. This would be the first time she has been with Kate since I informed her of Kate’s Alzheimer’s earlier this year. A couple of things happened that illustrate how she is doing at this time. First of all, the first night Jesse was with us in Knoxville she had been playing Battle with the boys when she asked me to take her hand while she went to the bathroom. She never came back. When I checked on her, she had gone to bed. She told me she was all right, just tired. I feel sure that in the past she would have excused herself and said good night.
At Wilderness the first day, we were all together when the 3 boys and I went to ride a raft that runs through a long tube. In retrospect I believe she didn’t realize what we were doing. When I got back, Jesse told me she was walking around. I went to where Jesse said she was. When I reached her, she was in a mild panic. She didn’t know where I was and had been looking all over for me. This is another example of her being so normal in many respects that I treat her as normal. I should have made it clear where I was going and that I would come back to her when we finished.
The next day (yesterday) Jesse, Kate and I had left the table at which we had been sitting to watch the twins on one of the water attractions. After a while, Kate started to ask me if I would get her cup of water from our table. Then she said she would do it. I let her do so although I was concerned that she might not remember where it was. After a few minutes I started walking to the table when I saw that she was walking back in our direction without the cup. I offered to get the cup for her.
Despite incidents like these, I am still encouraged that she and I are able to enjoy these times together and that the problems so far are ones that don’t significantly diminish the joy we have always had. At the same time, I am not naïve to the fact that the time is coming when the problems will come to be a bigger issue for us.
Looking ahead I can’t help wondering about next summer when it would be the twins turn to travel to New York with us. I have already decided that if we make the trip at all, I will want Jesse to join us. Seeing Ron and Randy with Taylor this week has raised another possibility. Taylor would be scheduled to make the NYC trip the following summer (2016). Because I am doubtful about Kate’s condition at that time, I think it might be good to take the three of them to NYC, with Jesse, of course, and perhaps with Rachel or Kevin. I intend to broach this subject with Jesse soon. I may also bring it up to Kevin.
More Signs of Problems
Yesterday was a busy day. We went to our monthly YMCA breakfast at the at 8:00. At 10:00 I had a short conference call with our attorney. At 11:45 we went to a lunch for seniors at our church. We came home after that. I changed clothes and then went across town to a foundation event honoring donors.
I arrived home sometime before 4:00. We were scheduled to meet Ellen and some of her friends at a restaurant at 5:00 before attending a performance of Camelot at 7:30. I was concerned that Kate might still be in the yard when I got home but didn’t see her. When I went inside, I saw that she had laid out her clothes on our bed. That made me think that she had remembered that we were going out. I went around to her office (which I call her room) where she keeps all of her clothes. I noticed that the room was cleaned up except for a large pile of things on the floor. She told me to go away, to leave her alone. She said she had to clean up these things. I have learned that when this kind of thing occurs, it is best to follow her instructions and went back to the kitchen where I was reviewing the day’s email.
In a little while, she called for me. I went to her in the guest room where she was dressing. She told me to vacuum the closet where she had taken off her clothes she had had on outside. Then she asked, “What time is he coming?” I said, “Who?” She said, “Morton.” (Bruce Morton is my old roommate at TCU. He and his wife Debbie are going to visit us in June.) I told her the Mortons were not coming until June. She asked, “Then who’s coming?” I told her that no one was coming, that we were going to meet Ellen for dinner at 5:00 and then go to see Camelot after that. The she broke down. It was then that I got the picture. She hadn’t remembered that we were going out at all. She thought we were going to have house guests and needed to have everything cleaned up.
Then she felt she needed to wear different clothes than the ones she was putting on. We went to her closet where I discovered that all the mess that was on the floor in her room was now stuffed into her closet. It was at least 2 feet high and went from the front of the closet to the shelves in the back of the closet, at least 6 feet. It turns out that all her shoes were in the back of the closet; so she couldn’t get to them without taking everything out of the closet. I decided to crawl over the debris and get some shoes. I found a pair that she said would work. She was now in a panic attack. I tried to calm her down. I told her I thought we should cancel our plans to meet Ellen for dinner, that we would simply take our time and go to a restaurant on our own and meet Ellen and her group at the theater. She gladly accepted that suggestion. The panic attack subsided, but she was whipped from the emotion generated by the experience. She didn’t really become herself again until we met Ellen at the musical. The rest of the evening went well. She got into bed quickly and slept well.
It was painful to watch her go through this, and this is something that I could not have prevented. She has had a couple of other experiences in which she was confused about our going somewhere or meeting someone that we had never discussed at all. I believe this particular experience arises from something I said at lunch. Our speaker was from the zoo and botanical garden. I told Kate that we should think about taking the Mortons to the zoo when they are here. She thought that was a good idea. We didn’t discuss it after that, but it must have stuck some way in her mind and transformed into their coming last night.
As painful as this experience was for both of us, I know this is just a precursor of things to come.
An Interesting Example of Confusion
Although some stories of my life these days are sad ones or frustrating ones, there are some or aspects of some, that I think of as cute or sweet or humorous. One of those occurred yesterday. Between Panera Bread and the road that runs to our house there is another road that runs parallel to it and then curves around the back of the shopping center (where Panera’s is located) toward town. The road has been closed for several months while work was being completed on draining issues and then resurfaced. After it re-opened, Kate wanted me to drive along the road. For some reason she liked the drive. Yesterday as we left Panera’s, she asked me to drive home “the other way.” I knew exactly what she meant and did so. What I think is cute about this is that it is NOT another way home at all. It is a road that runs into 2 other roads that brings us right back to the same shopping center we just left. This time we just drive by “the other way home” and turn on the road we should have turned on to start with. In miles, it must be two-mile circle to get back where we started. She does not appear to have any sense of this. I should add that she has always been geographically challenged, but in the past she would have recognized this is not simply another way home.
I hasten to say that this kind of thing also involves a touch of sadness as I see her becoming more childlike.
Life can be confusing.
In the past two weeks I have noticed Kate’s making a more concerted effort to be on time and do things right. For example, early this week a neighbor called to invite Kate to go with her to an orchid garden of some type. Yesterday she called, and I answered the phone. She said the tell Kate that she would be by to get her at 9:00 this morning and that the admission fee is $6 that would be applied to any purchases she might make. They were going to lunch afterwards. I was a bit uneasy because this is during the time that I would be at the Y. It was clear that she was confident that all would go well, but I very carefully prepared her to take her debit card and some cash. I put them on top of her dresser in our bedroom. I also put a sticky note with tipping information. I told her it would probably be best if she just put the cards and money in a pocket rather than carrying a purse thinking that she might leave the purse someplace.
This morning I was prepared to set the alarm for her to make sure she got up. I also set reminders on my phone for me to call her to make sure that she was ready. The good news is that she woke up when my alarm went off at 5:00. She asked that I turn the radio on. She got up and got back into the bed with the radio still on. I was calling her around 8:30 when I got a call from her. She was telling me she had found the receipt for her lunch with Ellen on Wednesday. She also said she was dressed and ready for our neighbor.
At 9:15, I received a phone call. She asked where I put her card and money. I told her it was on the dresser. She said it was not there now and that her ride was there. She hung up to look for it. I won’t know until this afternoon if she found them or if our neighbor told her she would pay and Kate could reimburse her.
All of this follows the 3-4 crises we had 10 days to two weeks ago as she was trying to get ready to go out. I am trying to interpret everything that is going on right now. It is interesting that Kate and I both told people about her condition within one day of each other. I told Tom and Stan on Monday of last week. She told Ellen on Tuesday of last week. Perhaps we both felt the crises of the preceding few days was a sign that Kate’s condition is getting worse, and we just had to tell those closest to us.
I also think Kate is frightened because she is clear-headed enough to grasp that she is losing her ability to do many things. Naturally, this affects me as well. As I always said in connection with my visits to Dad, when he was doing well, I was doing well.
Not everything is good
Yesterday afternoon we went to see the movie, The Book Thief. It is a good movie, but gut wrenching. Deals with the holocaust. As we were about to leave the theater, I said to Kate, “I hate to say this, but I fell asleep before the movie started and missed the beginning.” She sensed I was about to ask her how it began when she suggested going online. She seemed a little depressed which I associated with the movie. As we walked down the hall she said, “I can’t even remember anything about Captain Phillips,”a movie we had seen 2-3 weeks ago. I sensed then that she was depressed over not understanding the movie we had just seen. I have mentioned before that she finds it hard to follow movies and plays and it is frustrating. This time she was more depressed than usual. I said something intended to be supportive, and she gently said, “Don’t say anything. I know you want to help me.” We drove home quietly. I made a fire and thawed some chili from the freezer. We sat quietly in front of the fire until she wanted to go to bed. We talked very little during that time. Before going to bed she said, “I’ve been pitying myself all day.” I said, “You’re entitled.” After I had taken my shower, I got into bed and hugged her until we were both asleep
I am also realizing that her behavior sense Dad’s death is not entirely part of our grief. The weather has changed, the party is over, and she is not spending a good part of the day pruning. That was a major activity before the party. Thus she is left with little that she is able to do, but play Free Cell on her computer.
This has led me to go back to my thinking about telling the children about things after Christmas.
Averting Crises
This week we have experienced two near crises. I’ll mention the second one first because it is the one that scared me. First, is the background. Kate had a dental implant on Wednesday morning (today is Thursday). She was sedated and continued on pain medication through 10:00 pm that evening. We were prepared for her to feel pain yesterday as well. As it turns out, I had arranged to be at the foundation at 8:30 am yesterday morning before I realized that Kate had a PEO luncheon. She was to meet Shirley Hazel at her house at 11:00. Since I was going to be gone, I prepared 2 sets of medications (1 for 10 o’clock; the other for noon – if needed). I put them in 2 separate sandwich bags with written instructions on each one. I also set her GPS to direct her to Phyllis’s house. In addition, I checked to make sure her driver’s license and ATM card were in the console in her car where we have agreed she needs to keep them.
I finished my meeting just before 10:30 and placed a call to her to make sure she had not forgotten to get ready to meet at Phyllis’s house. She sounded hurried but indicated she was going to make it. I arrived home at 11:59 and was surprised (I don’t know why by now) to see that her car was still in the garage. As I started to go inside, I saw that she was getting ready to leave. She was in a dither, got her purse, and rushed to the car.
About 15 minutes later, she called to say the GPS had her turn on the wrong street and didn’t know where to go. I guided her over the phone. About 20 minutes later I got a call saying she was there. A few minutes after that I received a call from one of her other PEO sisters who was the driver for the the car Kate was to go in. She said they had waited but finally had left and were at the restaurant where the luncheon was being held. After we hung up, I called Kate and told her they were already at the restaurant,and that I would be right over to take her there. I did so, and she got there around 12:30.
When it was time for me to go to visit Dad (around 3:30), she was still not home. I began to worry. I sent her a text asking where she was but got no response. That is not too surprising since I knew that she would have her phone turned off. When I reached Mountain Valley, I called her at home and her cell and got no answer. While visiting Dad, I called a couple of other times. Finally, I called one of her PEO sisters just before 5:00. She said that they had gotten back about 3:30 and that Kate was fine. I decided to head home.
As I left, I called home, and she answered. She seemed quite glad to hear from me and asked if I were coming home. I told her I was on the way. I reminded her that we were supposed to be at a church supper at 5:30. She had forgotten and was disappointed. After we hung up, I called back and told her we didn’t need to go to the church supper. She asked me to just come home which I did.
When I arrived home, she was lying down on the love seat on the patio. I went out to talk with her. Actually, I was proud of myself. I never asked her where she had been or what had happened. In fact, I didn’t ask her anything. I just sat with her, told her I loved her, and asked if she would like to go to Hathaway’s for dinner. She gladly accepted the offer. We went out to dinner, came home, and she went to bed. We still have not discussed what happened and may not. I have learned that when she is ready to talk, she will let me know. Had I asked her, she would have said, “Let’s not talk about it now.” That is a very frequent response.
This particular event disturbed me because it made me realize how much she has deteriorated. While I was home that morning, I found 1 of the 2 sandwich bags with the pain medication she was to take at 10:00. The good news is that she didn’t need it. In addition, I gave her a 20 dollar bill when she left. By the time I picked her up, she couldn’t find it. Third, it made me realize that it may be getting dangerous for her to be driving. I think I am going to need to take her everywhere except those places she knows very well.
The other event is minor in comparison but was an emotional one for both of us. She has been working on the invitation to Dad’s 100th birthday party for at least 2 months. I have reminded her that I wanted to mail them out today or tomorrow (and we will make it) and that we needed to get the invitation ready. Each time she started to finish it, she would change something. It simply wasn’t getting done. Furthermore, she would forget about it and not work on it until I would set aside some time when I was home for the two of us to work on it.
Finally, on Monday evening I said we had to get it done that night. She wanted to continue editing. I told her just to leave it. This really hurt her feelings. She has wanted this to be her baby, but she recognized that she couldn’t get it done and resented my pushing. We went out to dinner, and all was well. The truth is I felt if I wasn’t stern, we wouldn’t get it done. This portends other things to come although the only reason this was critical was we were working together and I had a deadline. Most of her other things (the yard) don’t have a deadline. That’s a really good thing.
