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The lost is found.

Kate found her driver’s license and ATM card this morning. I am sure she was relieved. I know that every time something like this happens, she suffers. After church today, we walked to our cars. She asked if I were taking her to my car first – that her car was in front of the church. I told her I thought I had seen her car in back near my car. She told me it must have been a similar car. When we got near the car, she still thought it belongs to someone else and started to walk away. I looked closer and saw that it was hers. She was surprised and hadn’t remembered parking in this spot at all.

As we drove away from the church, I noticed that she turned right instead of left. I followed her to see where she was going. The road took her back to the church parking lot. She then went the correct way home. When we got home, she looked at me without saying anything. I know she was saying without words, “I am getting worse. I am discouraged.” I gave her a hug. We embraced. Neither of us said anything; however, we each understood the other.

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Decisions

I’ve noted before that I often wonder when is the right time to let the children know. I am now comfortable with the decision to hold off as long as we can, but can’t help wondering if the week with the family this summer in Jackson Hole might not give the children a reason to suspect. Having talked with Kate, I know that she is far from ready to mention anything to anyone.

A related issue is when do you (Kate) stop accepting certain responsibilities. She seems eager to volunteer for certain things that are hard for her. Last summer she volunteered to be the editor of our neighborhood association newsletter and directory. She was going to get an issue out last fall with pictures from a Labor Day picnic and our flag at half-staff for 9/11. She still hasn’t gotten the newsletter out.

Late Saturday afternoon when I got home from visiting Dad, she was very glad to see me. She had been working on the neighborhood association directory and was quite frustrated. She asked if I could spend Sunday afternoon helping her out. I agreed to do so. I should say that after lunch on Saturday I had created an Excel file she could use to enter any new neighbors or to update the information we have on existing ones. This was a simple matter in that I simply did a “”save as” from the original file she was given. Then I put the information in a form that she could work with more easily than the original file. I tried to ask her what she wanted me to do now, but she didn’t want to explain. This is a very, very common pattern in our relationship. It is difficult for her to explain things. The explaining part of her brain just isn’t working properly.

On Sunday afternoon we worked together to address her problem. It turns out that she needed to organize an existing hard copy of the directory. The way the directory had been assembled the names were organized by streets but neither arranged by house number nor alphabetically by names of the owners. That makes it very hard to locate a particular person. This is a very easy task akin to organizing a deck of cards, but she simply got too confused and couldn’t do it. I simply did it for her.

This raises the question of how long Kate can continue to do something like this. It is simply too difficult. She was called for jury duty by our municipal court last week and was excused because of her age. She was disappointed. She thought it would be interesting to serve. I, however, thought it would put her in an uncomfortable position since it would require asking her to comprehend arguments, remember details, and to render judgment on a person. These are all things that would have been difficult for her.

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So what’s going on?

It has been a busy couple of weeks. Kate and I took Brian to New York July 17-21. We had a week to ourselves, and then we hosted the twins from Memphis. Yesterday afternoon we met Taylor at the airport in Nashville for a week’s stay. The twins are still with us and are actively having a good time. As soon as we got home last night, they played basketball, then took a swim, then watched the Olympics until just after 11:00.

During this same period of time, Dad has been getting along reasonably well. His latest challenge is a skin cancer on his right arm. We went to the dermatologist this week and found out it requires some careful attention. We had several options to choose from and have decided to take off the top crusty layer of the tumor and then go through radiation 3 days a week for several weeks. He is not in any great pain and is not experiencing any special emotional reactions to the procedure. He does continue to talk about his birthday party coming up on Oct. 20. I am feeling the pressure to get things organized, but that will have to await the departure of grandchildren.

In the meantime, Kate has enjoyed herself, but we continue to see signs of her Alzheimer’s. The other day she asked me for the umpteenth time how to view her pictures on her camera. I know she has hated to ask, but she increasingly doesn’t try to fool me about her memory. I am sure she does sometimes and suspect she is becoming more aware of how much help she requires. I really felt sad for her when she asked the most recent time she asked.

Recently she has said, “You’re so good to me.” I have several reactions to her comment. The first is again a sense of sadness for her. Another is one of guilt that I continue to lose patience with her at times.

Last night she asked me how to do something on her camera, and I showed her. Then she said, “You told me that before.” It was something that I didn’t recall her asking about and felt there was no reason for her to know; so I told her. She was so relieved, it was striking to me. I know she hates to encounter one instance after another in which she has asked about something but can’t remember it. I am continually running into numerous instances in which I have told her something, and a short time later she is unable to recall having been told.

This memory problem is an issue for the caregiver in that we frequently talk about events, issues, etc. in everyday conversation. It also limits the amount of conversation.