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A Successful Dinner Party

This past Saturday we hosted Kate’s PEO chapter for dinner. We had 23 including ourselves. Kate had worked for weeks (since just before Thanksgiving) getting the house ready which meant mostly decorating. I had encouraged her to ask a friend who is a decorator to help her, and she said she would but wanted to start by herself. She never did call her, and the house looked beautiful for the party. She enjoyed the task and had plenty of time to arrange and re-arrange for the weeks preceding the event.

To make things as easy as possible, we decided from the outset that we would get the entrée from Altruda’s, a local Italian restaurant, one of the other members would prepare a salad, I would get the wine, and Kate would prepare the dessert. As we got down to the wire on Thursday, there was still a good bit of work to do. I tried to gently hint that Kate prepare the desserts (flan and chocolate mousse) during the day on Friday. Time got away from her, and she still hadn’t started the desserts before we had to leave for a friend’s 80th birthday party. When we returned, she did the mousse and decided to wait until the next morning for the flan.

She took a long time to start and when she was preparing the mousse and the flan, she got confused regarding the specific ingredients and whether or not she had them on hand and whether or not she had already put them in. At one point she sent me to the store for condensed milk. When I returned home, she discovered she had it. Similarly, she said she was short 16 oz. of cream cheese. I went to the store. While I was gone, she found it.

Late in the day, I indicated that this was quite a job and that I had hoped to spare her the stress of doing the party. Her response was that this was probably the last one of these events she would do, and she REALLY wanted to do it. It broke my heart, and we didn’t talk about it again until the next day. It went off well, and I told her she could be very proud. I wasn’t just saying this. It was a terrific event.

One follow up is that she cannot find the power cord to her computer. I am guessing that when she was putting things away before the party, she put the power cord someplace and can’t find it. She asked me to help her locate it last night, but neither of us had success.

This morning after my walk I went into the bedroom where I saw her changing the time on her clock. She was concentrating intently. I wanted to help but let her do it herself. I think I did the right thing because a little later her hair dresser called to postpone today’s hair appointment. Kate worked a good while trying to change the appointment on her iPhone. When I offered to help, she said she wanted to do it herself. She told me she would ask if she wanted me to help. As I have noted before, I think both of us are wondering what things will be like a year from now.

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Getting Lost is Commonplace

Today was Dad’s Kiwanis Club luncheon. I assumed that Kate would go with me to pick him up. I also knew that would require more of her time which is precious since she is trying to get ready for my Sunday school class party at the church tomorrow at noon. She also has her PEO Christmas dinner at our house on Saturday night. She wanted us to go in separate cars. I hesitated knowing that she has both a time management problem (she runs late) and that she has no sense of direction. She assured me that she knew how to get there. I consented and told her we were to gather at 11:30 with the meal to start at noon. She had not arrived when the meal started. I slipped out at 12:15-12:30 and called her. She said she thought she was almost there. We hung up. Then she didn’t arrive until after 12:30. By that time we had finished our salads and the entrée had been served at our table. She indicated she had asked three different people for directions and that they had been very helpful.

When I got back home, she was working on her family album. She told me that she had ordered the meal for her PEO dinner on Saturday. She said that she had ordered lasagna and a chicken dish over spinach pasta. I reminded her that we had decided to have just spinach ravioli. She asked me to call back and handle the transaction.

Monday night was the December meeting of our music club. I was putting my shoes on in our bedroom when she walked in, and I said something about her clothes. She hadn’t realized I was in the bedroom and was quite startled when I spoke to her. I started to apologize and she broke into tears and didn’t want to talk about it. These are two common patterns. First, she is very skittish. I try to be very careful about announcing when I come in the house to prevent scaring her. The second pattern is her not wanting to discuss anything when I want to discuss the situation. She just wants to drop it.

Yesterday we had lunch together at Applebee’s. When we left, Kate said she was going to do a little shopping. About 3:15, I was about to walk out the office door when I received a call from Kate. She told me she couldn’t find her car. I asked where she was. She told me, and I told her I would be right there. When I got there, we decided it best for her to get in the car with me and for us to drive around to find the car. I asked her where she had been. That led to my driving along the street where she had been shopping. As we drove, I saw her car in a parking lot. I turned around and went back. She had absolutely no recollection of having left the car there even though that would be the most obvious place to park. Before we went our separate ways, I suggested that in the future she might try using her phone to take a picture of where she parks to help her find her car. That is something I do when I park in a parking garage. Of course, I realize in order for that to work, she would need to remember to take a picture.

Last night we talked about her experience and very briefly about how she was feeling. She acknowledged feeling discouraged and angry. She feels that she is too young to face this and that her lifespan has been unfairly shortened.

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Moments of Discouragement

Yesterday was a good day for me. I had taken my dad to the memorial service of his Kiwanis friend at First Presbyterian where we both saw some of Dad’s Kiwanis friends and others we knew including someone from Dad’s writing class. Afterwards we went to Ruby Tuesday where Dad had a bowl of clam chowder and Buffalo shrimp. We both had a cup of coffee. I thought it was a special time and enjoyed every minute. I called Kate to say I was leaving the restaurant to take Dad to back to his place and asked if she would like to go with us and then we could have dinner after that. She sounded down but indicated she would like to go with us.

We dropped Dad off and went to dinner. The meal was good, and it was a special time for us. The day ended on a high note.

A week before Thanksgiving Kate had a painful day. I could tell she was discouraged when I got home. That evening we looked over a photo album that her father had put together. We both enjoyed going through it and reminiscing. When we got in bed that night, she said, “This is the best I have felt all day.”

Friday night before Thanksgiving we went to Theater Knoxville. Just before the play started, she asked me for cough drops. At intermission she couldn’t find them. She finally found them in her purse. She said, “Welcome to my day.”This is a very typical experience nowadays. It is always something that is misplaced – keys, purse, wallet, power cord for computer, etc.

On Sunday night before Thanksgiving we stayed in a Residence Inn in Houston.  We were there to celebrate the holiday with our son, Kevin, and his family. She said she had forgotten her tooth brush; so I got one from the front desk. While preparing to leave, she found the one she had. She said, “Honestly, Richard.” I have a tendency to think that when she discovers something that was misplaced, she would feel better knowing that she had not done something strange with the item. She had simply overlooked it. On balance, however, I can easily see that she knows that the forgetfulness is getting worse and it bothers her a great deal.

It is not simply forgetting. She also overlooks things a good bit. For example, yesterday she told me that she couldn’t print because the printer cable was missing. When I went in to see, I saw that the cable was connected although it was mingled with a cord from a lamp.

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Kate Is Discouraged

Last Thursday was a painful day. I could tell Kate was discouraged. That evening we looked at a photo album of her parents. We both enjoyed reminiscing. When we got in bed, she said, “This is the best I have felt all day.”

Friday night at the theater, she asked for cough drops. I gave her 2 and asked where she was going to put them. At intermission she couldn’t find them. She finally found them in her purse. She said, “Welcome to my day.”

We arrived in Houston last night  to spend Thanksgiving with our son and his family. She had forgotten her toothbrush. I got one from front desk this morning. The next morning she found the one she had. She said, “Honestly, Richard.”

I hear people say when talking about someone with dementia, “At least she doesn’t know.” I am sure that is true in the latter stages of the illness, but I know that many people with dementia do know that something is wrong.

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Everyday Issues

This past weekend Kate expressed more than usual frustration, some of which was directed at me. Our TV service had been out since the previous weekend, and she had wanted me to call AT&T to get it fixed. When it first went out, she said she was going to call AT&T. Later she indicated that she thought it would be better for me to do since she would not know what to say to them. As I am sometimes prone to do, I forgot about it during the day. It wasn’t that I was too busy to work it into my schedule although I did have a busy week. We spoke on the phone late Friday as I was leaving Dad’s for home. She told me she really wanted to get the TV working again. I could tell she was put out with me and asked if she were peeved. She said, “Well, yes.”

When I got home, I proceeded to contact them and after about an hour and a half, we got to the point at which they said they would have to send a technician to our house. Kate was pleased, and we ended up going to Casa Bella for dinner. During our dinner she said she was feeling better and indicated that she guessed she was feeling a little neglected. We didn’t go into a discussion, but I know we have periodic talks about how much time I spend with Dad.

The next morning she was on the phone with one of her PEO sisters. They were discussing the financial statement of a scholarship candidate. Before making the call, Kate went over the statement with me and made notes so that she would be sure of what she was going to say when she was on the phone. She is increasingly unsure of herself, especially when it involves things that are not in her skills area. Numbers are clearly one of those.

When she was on the phone, I was right next to her but working on the computer. She got very nervous and told me not to leave her. Everything worked out, but these kinds of things are added stress to her life.

Yesterday I got out my backup drive to back up my computer. I keep it in a box that has 2 corrugated pieces that hold it firmly in place within its box. When I went to put up the drive, I couldn’t find the 2 pieces of corrugated paper and asked her about them. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about. When I explained a little more, she thought she recalled that she had done something with them but couldn’t remember what. She looked in a number of places and finally found them for me. It was not a big deal, but this represented another instance in which her memory failed her. When she gave them to me, she said, “I’m just getting worse.” I tried to comfort her, but I can tell this doesn’t help. I think it is because she knows I also see it.

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Little Things

Just got a call from Kate. We had talked about 20 minutes ago about meeting at noon at Applebee’s for lunch. She was calling to ask if I had said 12:30. Again, this is an example of a mistake that anyone could make.

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The Party’s Over and All is Well

We had Dad’s 98th birthday party this past Saturday and everything went well.  We had  over 50 people at our house. It was a beautiful day, so we were able to seat most everyone on the patio and the back yard. I decided it would be better to have the party catered, and Kate agreed. We had BBQ with baked beans, macaroni and cheese, and banana pudding. I had tried hard to minimize the things that Kate had to do, but events of this nature necessitate everyone’s being involved. She came through quite well. It was only before the party itself that she got a little flustered. I think that did not involve the stress of events but rather one of our guests. Most of the family was there early to help with the final preparations.  I had gone to pick up our dinner for Saturday night. When I returned, she said, “Don’t you ever leave me like that again.” After probing a little bit, it appears that it was simply the stress of dealing with other people.  I am sure that others were trying to offer help when she didn’t want it. She works more slowly these days. I suspect that is because she has to concentrate so much on what she is doing. She is sensitive about receiving help when she thinks she is doing fine.

One example of her AD is that I had gotten a small birthday cake for Dad that I told her I would use at the birthday party on Saturday. She got confused and planned to do it on Friday night when we had a small gathering of the family. It’s a simple mistake that anyone can make, but in this case, it is another of many examples I now attribute to her AD.

One other general example is that she frequently doesn’t see things that are right in front of her nose. She frequently asks me to help her find things. I usually find them where she has already looked. Once again, this is the kind of thing that can and does happen to everyone. In Kate’s case, they happen so often that it has got to be a symptom of AD.

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More Signs of Confusion

Yesterday Kate misplaced the money I had put out for our housekeeper. I have no idea where it is. I’m sure it will turn up sometime.

She also put dirty dishes in dishwasher with clean ones after my telling her they were clean. This incident could really happen to anyone, but I am more prone to link it to AD since her diagnosis.

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Entertaining Is Becoming Difficult

The big thing in our lives right now is Dad’s 98th birthday party which we are having at our house this Saturday, the 29th. In connection with our preparations, I have had several observations related to Kate. First, she has really wanted to have the party and to work hard to be ready. At the same time these things introduce frustrations that would have been different in earlier times. For example, she decided to do 2 collages of photos to display in a frame during the party. One is of Dad with his family; the other with friends.

This seems straightforward enough and falls within the kinds of things that she likes to do. However, we have had to take pictures from my computer to upload to hers which introduces some frustration. She can’t remember where she loaded pictures. As she was working on the collages last night, she exclaimed how confused she was. I told her not to be too hard on herself and that she knows this is something she can’t control. Even as I said this, I recognized that this is a simple thing to say but difficult to do.

Last night she was trying to dial the phone number of one of her PEO sisters and kept misdialing. She ended up giving me the phone to dial.

She is also planning to host a PEO dinner on December 10. Fortunately all she will have to prepare is the chocolate mousse, but there will be lots of things to do to have the house ready for this group.

She has also indicated a willingness to host our  music club for its February meeting. I love the fact that she wants to do these things, but it concerns me that it introduces too much frustration in her life.

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Frustrations of Everyday Life

Tuesday was a bad day. I mean in the sense that Kate felt depressed about her forgetfulness. To start the day, I told her to watch the dishes as she took them out of the cabinets because I noted that when I emptied the dishwasher, there was at least one dirty glass. She felt bad knowing that she had put something dirty in with the clean dishes. I sensed immediately that she was hurt and tried not to make a big deal of it.

Shortly thereafter we took her car to Firestone to get a new tire because one of hers had gone out the day before. The man at Firestone noted that the wheel rims around the tire had been scraped and said we could blame that on me. Of course, she knew he was really talking about her. After leaving Firestone, I told her that we couldn’t have lunch together because I was planning to go see Dad at noon instead of late afternoon as I usually do. I was doing this because we were planning to go to a 5:30 movie at the Olympia. I could see that she was depressed; so before leaving for the office, I told her I had changed my mind and that we could have lunch together and suggested Applebee’s.

The final blow came before we went to the movie. She came home with her laptop that had been repaired by the computer store and told me that she dropped it. She said, “I cause most of my own problems.”

We went to the movie, a documentary about Bill Cunningham a longtime photographer with the NY Times. She and I enjoyed it and then went to a light dinner at Mojito’s. That made the day end on a good note.

On another front, Dad was more alert on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons, especially yesterday. The invitations to his 98th birthday party were being delivered to many folks yesterday, and I took his invitation to him. He was like a child – very pleased and showed it to a few people at dinner.