One of the things I have heard from other spouse caregivers is how much they miss the kind of conversations they used to have. That is something with which I can easily relate. If you are a regular visitor to this site, you have heard me talk about how well Kate and I get along. That is possible because we have let go of the things she can’t do and focused on what she can. That has enabled us to enjoy many things together – travel, music, theater, and social engagement with friends, family, and even strangers. I never imagined that we would be able to get along this well so far into our journey.
Having said that, our story wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t recognize the impact that Kate’s Alzheimer’s has had on conversations between us and her conversations with others. There is much in life we can enjoy without depending on our rational thought processes, but much of ordinary conversation depends on memory of people, names, and events. We tell others about a book we are reading, or the movie we saw yesterday, the meal we had last night, what our children and grandchildren are doing. As Kate has lost her memory, she has significantly less that she can talk about. There is little content left.
Another consequence of her memory loss is not understanding what has been said. She often stops me and asks me to repeat what I have said. This is something that has become a greater problem recently. It is as though her brain’s processing has slowed down and the conversation is so rapid she can’t understand. Several times recently when we have been with a group, she has jumped in to say something like, “Wait, stop! Who are we talking about?” I have been pleased that she speaks up in this way. It shows she hasn’t dropped out of the conversation. That is her typical way of responding.
When it is just the two of us, she asks me to repeat a significant portion of what I say. Most of the time, it is because I am giving her information too quickly. She also misunderstands certain words. Sometimes I have to repeat a word several times before she gets it. She may have a build up of wax in her ears. She experiences that from time to time, but I don’t recall its affecting her hearing. I need to check this out.
It is especially easy for her to get lost in a group, even when we are with just one other couple. When we are at a table of six or eight for one of Casa Bella’s music nights, she simply withdraws. We have an hour for dinner and conversation followed by an hour and a half of music. In that case, the music saves the day.
Kate’s most successful conversations have been one on one. I can think of three of those that have occurred over the past year. One of those occurred with our friends, Ann and Jeff Davis. We were in their home when the conversation drifted into one between Jeff and me and another between Ann and Kate. It continued for quite a while. I recall overhearing Kate say a few things that were not accurate. When she can’t remember things, she fills in with something else. Otherwise, Kate appeared like a person without Alzheimer’s.
Another was a few months ago when she received a visit from a church friend. I left the two of them in the family room while I did a few things in the kitchen. I was amazed at the flow of conversation. It was a perfectly normal conversation between two friends. The most recent was two weeks ago today when our housekeeper was here. When we returned from lunch, she and the housekeeper sat down and talked for about thirty minutes. In all three of these conversations, Kate was an active participant. I loved hearing her speak so comfortably.
Earlier this week, we ran into a couple we have met at Barnes & Noble. They asked us to join them at their table. We spent about an hour in conversation. I was surprised at how active Kate was although she did not appear as natural. I had told the couple about Kate’s Alzheimer’s on a previous occasion, so I suspect they appropriately attributed her behavior to her illness. Instead of pulling back in the conversation, she gently worked her way into it. The problem was that she kept talking about her mother and interjecting her comments in the middle of what others were saying. Her comments were totally out of context. It appeared that she wanted to participate but couldn’t judge the appropriate timing and didn’t know what to say except to talk about her mother. As with other things, she doesn’t remember a lot of specifics about her mother. Thus, all her comments are expressions of how thoughtful and kind her mother was. She often says, “She liked to help people.” She repeated essentially the same things several times.
There is something else that happens when she speaks. This is new within the past six months or so. She can’t think of the words she wants to say. Sometimes she mispronounces a word incorrectly in a way that I don’t understand. When it is just the two of us, she often says, “Well, you know what I mean.” Most of the time, I don’t.
Overall, the nature of our conversation has radically changed. We talk less. When we talk, we express our feelings about life, our family, and things we have done together. I often tell her about specific things that I know she can’t remember. I do have a concern that when I tell her things it also serves as a reminder that she can’t remember. So far, she seems to like this, especially when I tell her about our children and grandchildren as well as her parents and grandparents. What I like best about our conversations is that they always focus on good things. I think that is good for both of us.
