First Day With the New Sitter

Yesterday was Kate’s first day with Marilyn. She’s the interim sitter while Anita is out. Having interviewed her last week and spending time with her at lunch, I felt comfortable leaving Kate with her. It turned out that we got to Panera a little later than I wanted, so I called Marilyn and asked her to meet us there. Just before she arrived, I reminded Kate that it was my day for Rotary and that someone new be with her while I was gone. A few minutes later, Marilyn arrived. I re-introduced Kate to her. When I did, Kate said, “I really don’t need anyone, but it’s nice to have company.” I took that as a positive sign even though she was making her point about not needing anyone. It is likely she was doing that more for the sitter than for me.

When I got home, they were in our family room. Kate was resting on the sofa. Over the past several months, she has frequently been resting when I arrived. I have also discovered from the sitters that they have not been spending as much time at Panera as they had before. Had this occurred earlier, I might have thought it was a result of some embarrassment to be out with a sitter. She has never shown any concern about that.

I am speculating that it may relate to her increasing dependence on me. It’s not just that she lets me do more things for her. It’s that she periodically tells me that she “feels safe” with me. The first time she said this I didn’t attach much significance to the word “safe.” Since it comes up occasionally, I’m thinking she really feels more secure when I am with her outside the house. That is when she would be most puzzled by her surroundings. At Panera yesterday, I walked her to the restroom because she was unsure how to get there. If she is unsure there, I can only imagine what it must be like other places. That insecurity, of course, may extent to her feelings when she is with the sitter at home. I know that the sitters have told me that she asks when I will be home.

Last night, she got in bed shortly after 7:30. I was a little surprised because the sitter said she had rested most of the time I was gone. I took a phone call from our son and went into the family room so that I wouldn’t disturb her. After his call, I went back to the bedroom to get ready for my shower. She was still awake and asked if I were coming to bed. I told her it was a little early for me to go to bed and that I would be close by in my chair right beside the bed. After my shower, she asked again about my coming to bed. I got into bed with her. She was very calm, but she was relieved that I had come to bed and said, “I’m glad you’re here. I feel safe when I am with you.” That was just the beginning. She talked for a good while. It was like many other conversations in which she talked about how fortunate we are. She never gets very specific because her memory won’t allow that, but she clearly retains her feelings about her family, our marriage, and our children.

Looking back, she had been in a good, but calm, mood earlier before Marilyn arrived. I wonder if she might have felt insecure because I wasn’t there. That might have led her to think about her memory loss and inability to do so many things. I know that she was quieter at dinner, but she didn’t really look depressed. I’m not going to speculate too much. This is something I may never understand. I will, however, be looking for any patterns that may be developing.