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Time With Friends

Last night we went out for pizza. Kate told me she was thinking about telling Angela and Marvin Green about her Alzheimer’s. She said she wasn’t going to do this right away, but that she felt comfortable doing so with them. She indicated that she felt she could trust them to keep it to themselves.

Today we had lunch with Angie and Mark Harrington. About a month ago, we talked about going to lunch at one of their favorite restaurants, The Olive Tree. Last week Mark and I decided that today was the day to try it, and we did. After dropping the Harringtons off at their house, Kate said, “Weren’t you going to take me some place?” I said, “Lowe’s?” She then said yes. That led to my turning in the direction of Lowe’s.

As we were driving, I said something about how much we enjoyed the lunch with the Harringtons. She agreed. The she said, “I remembered having been there before. I didnt remembered until we walked in. Then I recognized it.” I said, “So you’ve been there before.” She said, “You were right. You told me we had been there, but I didn’t remember it.” The truth is that this is another Deja vu experience. Neither one of us had been there before.

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Moments of Frustration

On the whole I think I do pretty well adapting to the changes required by Kate’s Alzheimer’s, but one thing I have not been able to fully let go of is happening right now. We had been out to lunch with our church friends, Angela and Marvin Green. We came back to our house after eating and had a long chat. We always have a good time with them although we don’t get together that often.

After they left, Kate stayed outside to work in the yard. As usual, she didn’t change clothes. I am prone to protect my clothes and wouldn’t work outside in anything I valued. She doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t believe she was ever as sensitive (obsessive compulsive) about this as I am, but clearly the Alzheimer’s has meant she has little or no concern about soiling or damaging good clothes. On a few occasions (not many) I have said something to her about working in her good clothes. It never works; so I am holding off. She is seated on the ground digging in the flower beds. I don;t know what condition her slacks will be in, but I know that her work clothes look pretty soiled when she comes in. This is a little thing I know, but I feel the need to report it lest a reader think that I am more understanding than I really am.

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Diminished Observation

A number of times I have commented on the fact that Kate’s observation of things around her is impaired. She simply doesn’t notice things that are in front of her. This happens most often when there are a lot things in front of her. That makes it hard for her to see what it is she is looking for. I try to help by going to places around the house that I think from past experience are the likely places to find whatever she is looking for. Sometimes it works. Often it doesn’t.

Something more dramatic happened last week when we were returning from a meal at Chalupas, her favorite Mexican restaurant. As we were approached a stop light , I noticed flashing red lights. Because it was dark I couldn’t tell exactly what it was until I got to the intersection. Then I noticed that a firetruck was blocking the intersection. Someone was directing traffic to turn right toward town. As I turned, I noticed that two cars had collided. I made a comment. It turns out that Kate had not seen the firetruck or the accident scene itself. This is a case where multiple red lights were flashing, cars were backed up. I don’t know what could be more noticeable.

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Cleaning up

It has been a while since I have commented on the condition of Kate’s rooms (2 guest rooms and her office). I am glad to report that she has kept them in much better order in the past few months. That has changed in recent weeks when I believe she has been trying to arrange her clothes in some kind of order to make it easier for her to find what she wants. In the short term (and perhaps the long term as well) it is back to being about as messy as it ever was. The difference is that it appears to be directly related to her sorting her clothes in preparation to put them in her closets. Each room seems to change in that it gets cleaned up and then after a while, it returns to a similar disorderly condition. Yesterday her office looked pretty good. I went in there about an hour ago after my morning walk, and clothes were laid out on her bed. I asked if she wanted to go to Panera. She said she would but wanted to continue cleaning up. I decided to let her do that as long as she cares to. We can go to Panera anytime.

I don’t know why she has tried to get her house in order, but I take that as a good thing. The big problem is that it goes pretty quickly back to its disorderly state.

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Signs of Frustration. Mine not Hers.

First a little background. As long as 10 years ago, a neighbor down the street sent a message to everyone on our street asking us not to put our yard trash on the street until near the time of our weekly pick up on Thursday. Kate was initially offended by it but has tried to abide by the neighbor’s plea. In the past couple of years she has been especially rigid about it, not wanting to put the trash out until Thursday morning. I have never cared for this because it meant that we (either Kate or I) had to be the ones to get it out because the woman who cuts the grass and cleans up the flower beds wouldn’t be here early enough on Thursday and often comes on Tuesday or Wednesday, sometimes Friday. She came on Thursday morning this time after the trash men had already picked up. The leaves are beginning to fall, and the trash piled on the street was at least 12 feet long.

This is not a good week for this to occur because today is Halloween. We have a lot of trick-or-treaters. Kate wanted all the trash moved. I originally suggested that we leave it, but she was insistent. It is also something she didn’t forget. I never volunteered to move it, but she got the impression that I had said I would. After lunch today, she said she would meet me outside which I took to mean that we would work together to move the trash to the back of the house. When we got out there, she began raking up some trash that was in the yard. I started to load up the trash in an old garbage cart that I could roll to the back of the house. It turned out that she wanted me to put it in the flower bed on the side of the house. This is one of the areas that I have had our yard person cleaning up. To be more specific some of this trash has come out of the flower beds, and I didn’t like the idea of putting it back just after she had removed it two days ago. She said she would step aside, and I could put it wherever I wanted which I did.

She started picking leaves off the shrubs she does almost daily. As I was taking one load of trash to the back of the house I noticed that she had left some trash from the front flower bed on the sidewalk, a place she usually put trash. I suggested she could clean that up while I was moving the trash from the street. She seemed quite willing to do it. I saw her with a broom, and she was sweeping the front porch. It had looked pretty clean to me, but I thought she just wanted to start there and then move along the walkway to the driveway. Later I walked by and saw the trash was still on the walkway. It turns out that she had finished her work and gone in to take shower. I ended up cleaning up that trash too. At the time I felt like saying something to her but decided against it. I know that she didn’t realize what she had done (or not done). I simply didnt think there was anything to gain by saying something other than the personal satisfaction of telling her.

I relay this story to make sure that the reader knows that I do experience some frustration even when I accept what she has done or not done. It is also another example of how this disease can change normal interaction. There are many things like this that occur, but I try not to say anything at all.

Something else that bothered me. I changed clothes before going out to clean up the trash. She is not sensitive to this at all. She was dressed very nicely when we went to lunch. I commented on how nice she looked. She wore a beautiful garnet turtleneck sweater and a nice pair of black slacks. When she went to clean up, she wore those same clothes. At one point I saw her sitting on the edge of a flower bed where she was pulling weeds or something like that. She has so few clothes that are not soiled in any way that I hate to see her messing up the ones that are in good shape.

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More Signs of Insecurity and Withdrawal

Last night we attended a choral concert at First Presbyterian. After the concert. they held a reception that we attended. I noticed once again that Kate would just walk away when I was talking with someone that both of us know. As I have noted before, I think this comes from a lessening ability to talk about many things, but I also believe it happens because she recognizes fewer people. She seems to walk away as an escape. At one point while I was talking with someone about the flooding at his house during our recent storm, she took a seat in a chair by herself. Fortunately, someone came over to her and they engaged in a conversation. Then it was time for us to go. As we left, Kate asked who that was she had been talking to. She did recognize her as a friend of Ellen’s. I suspect the person may have mentioned Ellen in the conversation. Then as we walked out of the church, she put her arm around my waist and said, “I need you.” I said, “And I am right here.”

Yesterday afternoon Kate worked in the yard. I called her in about 45 minutes before I felt we needed to leave for dinner and the concert. I had told her a little earlier where we were going. I reminded her when I went out to get her. When she got dressed, she was dressed more informally than I thought she should. She asked me if she met my approval. That led into a comment or two about where we were going. She hadn’t remembered at all. When I reminded her, she felt she should change. Even though I believed she was dressed too informally, I told her she was all right. She could tell my heart wasn’t in it. Ultimately, she changed, but the top she was wearing was soiled in several places from cosmetic stains. Later I noticed that her slacks were also soiled.

That reminds me that something new is that she is beginning to make a habit of asking me about the clothes she wears when we are going to something a little more special like last night. She did not do so last night, however. It is clear that she is releasing her independence a bit by soliciting my opinion on her clothes.

She also commented to me this week that she wants to please me. This came after she had gotten ready on time when we were going someplace.

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Signs of Insecurity

For some time I have been aware that Kate seems somewhat less secure in social situations than she used to. I don’t mean that she verbally expresses any stress but that she seems not to talk as much. I attribute this to her not remembering many things. In addition, she has difficulty explaining things are describing events. More recently, however, I am seeing increasing signs. Today, for example, we attended a PEO book chat. Although she clearly wanted to go, she didn’t make any effort to get herself ready until I prompted her to do so. As it turned out, we were 20 minutes late. While we were there, she greeted people, but she was mostly somewhat removed from conversation. I just think it is too hard for her. In one instance, I got into a conversation with a women from whom she buys cosmetics. We talked for at least 5 minutes while Kate stood about 10 feet away by herself, apparently waiting for me to finish. Looking back I think she may not have recognized the woman.

Go to and coming from the event, Kate told me several times how much she appreciated my going with her. This is really the thing that makes me feel she is having some insecurity in such situations. Just before we got in the car a woman from UT called to Kate, and they talked a few moments. When they had finished, she asked me who that was. I told her that was one of the people with whom she worked on the PEO grant program.

She is outside right now pruning her plants. This continues frequently when the weather permits. Before she went out, I mentioned that working outside was her therapy. She said, “It is. I mean it really is.”

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Funny Thing

I came home to take Kate to lunch before going to my Rotary meeting. Two or three weeks ago, we talked about my taking her to Chalupas, her favorite Mexican restaurant, since Ellen is no longer able to take her to lunch on Mondays. I really felt like it would be more convenient to go to Panera instead. Before leaving she asked if she had a cup in the car. I thought that signaled that she had forgotten about Chalupas; so I got a cup with the idea of going to Panera. In the car she asked what I was doing this afternoon. I told her I didn’t have any plans after Rotary. Then she said, “Oh it’s Rotary. I thought we said you would take me to Chalupas on your Rotary day.” Then she went on to say, “I’m the one with Alzheimer’s, but you forgot.” I said, “Sometimes I forget.” Then she said, “You remember the things that involve you. When it involves me, you don’t remember.” What makes this funny to me is the way she said these things. It sounded serious, but it was done very lightly as though she were kidding me. In fact, when we got out of the car to go to the restaurant, she said, “You have to have some faults. I can’t think of anything I would change about you.”

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Another Example of Short-Term Memory Lapses

Kate and I were driving away from our house shortly after 10:30 this morning when we saw our next door neighbor walking to her car from the house. She has had significant flood damage from our recent storm; so I asked her how things were going. After she told us, she asked if we were still on for dinner at Casa Bella tomorrow night. We said yes. Then we drove over to Panera for Kate to get some lunch before I went to a luncheon at the foundation.

While we were at Panera, Kate told me she had seen our neighbor this morning and that they were looking forward to going with us to Casa Bella tomorrow night. It is possible that she actually had seen the neighbor earlier; however, I know she had not been out working in the yard this morning. That makes me think she forgot that we were together when we saw her. This is not the first time I have heard her tell me something like this though I think it is the first time I have reported it.

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Signs of Distraction, Not Noticing Things

I got home a short time ago from donating platelets. It had been almost 4 hours since I left the house. Kate had been outside working in the flower beds at least 30 minutes before I left. I stopped as I drove in the driveway where she was working and asked if the heater man came while I was gone. It was a dumb question as I knew that he was on the way when I left. In addition, I called the company as I was leaving the Red Cross to give them my credit card information to pay for the services. In other words, I knew that he had been here. When I asked Kate the question, she looked puzzled and said, “I don’t know.” Then she asked me what he was doing. I told her he was here to fix the heater. (We had not had heat since returning from Memphis. The weather had not required heat or cooling until today when it was 38 this morning after 40 degrees the previous morning.) She looked puzzled again and tried to think. I told her I knew that he had come, and that I had talked with the office. She then said, “Yeah, I let him in the back.” This is another example of how faulty her memory can be and/or how little attention she pays to things. I believe both things are happening all the time. The important part of this is helping me try to understand how she must be feeling about things. She must feel less and less a part of things going on all around her. It is a withdrawal from life that I am witnessing.

Some of this keeps her from feeling a sense of anticipation about doing different things. Although I knew she wanted to attend Tina’s granddaughter’s wedding, she expressed very little enthusiasm as the time approached. In fact, I had no sense that she was ever thinking about the wedding except when I mentioned it as I did frequently.

Earlier today it dawned on me that I don’t believe I have mentioned anything (or much) about Kate’s moving things that are mine and putting them in places where I can’t easily find them. This morning I was looking for a box of business envelopes that I bought 6-8 weeks ago. I was replacing some that I used to keep here in a drawer in the kitchen (which subs as my office). They disappeared so I bought a new box. When I opened the drawer, they were not there. I went to Kate and asked if she knew anything about them or where I might look to find them. She had absolutely no recollection of them at all. I went to her office and started looking in places that I thought she might have put them. I opened a draw of a table that is by her chair in her office. I found a stack of envelopes that had disappeared earlier; so I took what I needed. I didn’t even try to explain that I didn’t find the ones that had just disappeared but the earlier ones. I simply said that I had found them. This is just one of a number of instances in which she has moved things that are mine.

Last night was our first meeting of the new year for our music club. Kate had been resting for an hour or so when I reminded her about the meeting. She was very lethargic. It was clear that she was not eager to attend. I asked her if she would like to stay home. She said no. At the social hour after the meeting, she seemed to be alone a good bit, but she did talk with several people including the pianist who performed for us. When we got home she said how much she had enjoyed being there. Fortunately, it appears that she gets some pleasure out of the activity of doing things like this even when she doesn’t want to do them in advance. I have noticed this on quite a few other occasions.