Anxiety

One of the things that Barry Peterson touched on his book was the impact of caregiving on the caregiver. I have tended to minimize that, but during the past week or so I have experienced a sense of anxiety. It manifests itself in physical symptoms that have seemed either like a type of indigestion or angina. I have been doing my own self-diagnosis. At least 3 times I have felt it serious enough to take an extra aspirin when feeling symptoms. At other times I have taken Pepcid.

At this moment, I am feeling better. I do have a funny feeling that seems to be located in my esophagus above the level of my heart. Last night when I got into bed, I felt as though my heart rate had increased. I can only describe this as anxiety. I got up, took a Benadryl, ran in place for about 15 minutes, and got back into bed. I went to sleep rather quickly and slept well until Dad called at 4:27 this morning. As he does so often, he didn’t say a word. I would love to watch him when this occurs. What I imagine is that he is holding the phone out in front of him and can’t hear me say hello several times. When I have been with him I notice that he sometimes holds the phone upside down against his ear. Other times he holds the phone up to the side of his head but not over the ear.

This makes 2 days in a row that he has awakened me early. Yesterday morning he called at 3:30 and then again at 3:50. It was very difficult to understand him, but I got the message that he thought this was the end and wanted to say good bye and that he loved me. I never got back to sleep after that. I am getting to the point of debating about whether to tell him not to call unless he has some emergency, but I don’t want to prevent his calling if he really needs something. That does occur sometimes, but most of the time he simply wants to report that they haven’t brought him his breakfast or that nobody is around. I then tell him the reason is that it is the middle of the night and that he should just go back to sleep.

The point of my writing, however, is simply to say that I seem to be experiencing anxiety connected with all the things I have to do. Fortunately, business is better but I do have responsibilities for several other things – our music club, Rotary, the foundation, Sunday School, and another church responsibility I have just accepted. All that and being responsible for Kate and the household things as well as planning for Dad’s birthday party, our trip to NYC and our anniversary trip has made my plate pretty full.

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