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Closing the Day

I just got home from a United Way dinner where they recognize the humanitarian of the year. I was there along with a number of others from the foundation because our previous board chair was this year’s selection.

At any rate when I got home at 10:00, I was surprised when I walked into the bedroom to discover that Kate was awake. When I expressed my surprise, She told me it had been hard to stay awake, that she had gotten up and walked around and also gotten a Dr. Pepper, but she stayed awake because I wanted her to. When I explored this a little, I learned that she thought I had told her to stay awake until I got home. We hadn’t even talked about it though I had joked at dinner and said, “Now don’t get into any trouble while I am gone.” I suspect this led to her incorrectly remembering what I had said and altered it to be that I told her not to go to sleep.

Now she has been wide awake. She has been a little irritated because it is my fault that she is awake. She said she was going to tell my next wife what I am like. As in most situations like this, she doesn’t sound serious. It’s her way of kidding me, but it does have a tone of seriousness as well. This is different from those times when she gets angry with me because she thinks I am rushing her to get ready to go someplace. That is definitely serious.

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Getting Upset With Me

As we were getting ready for our last dinner on the cruise, Kate got upset with me. She said, “I guess I’ll have to wear my tennis shoes.” She gave me a dirty look. She had given me a clue about this yesterday. She told me that she wanted me to ask her before helping her with anything. She specifically mentioned packing her suitcase and indicated that it was something she was capable of doing. I didn’t know what she was talking about and told her I would try to do better. This afternoon she followed her mention about wearing her tennis shoes to dinner by saying she didn’t know why I took her other shoes out of her suitcase. She told me it was just stupid. Then I understood that this is one of those occasions when she believes I’ve said or done something that I have not said or done. I made no effort to contradict her. It would have been foolish and might even have made her feel bad about herself. The truth is that she only packed her tennis shoes for the trip and no other shoes. That meant that even on the formal nights when she was more formally dressed, she wore her casual (not really tennis) shoes.

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Something Strange

I neglected to mention in my earlier post that my pillow was missing when I was ready for bed last night. Kate was already in bed. I looked in all the rooms, but didn’t come up with it. I suspect it is in Kate’s office. Usually it is something of hers that is missing. It is strange that it is my pillow. I have to believe she moved it someplace. I know I didn’t. In normal situations, I would ask here if she knows where it is. That doesn’t work with a person who has dementia. She never knows.

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A Different Story of Imagining

Today as Kate and I were on the way to lunch, she said, “”Are you going to notice that woman (or was it a couple?) and her (their?) child?”I said, “”Is this somebody you have noticed before?” She gave me a disgusted look. I said, “I’m not good at remembering these things.” She answered, “”Well, you don’t pay any attention to the things I say.” I started to say something in response, but she didn’t want to “talk about it.”

Shortly after we ordered, she commented that the mother and her child were not there. She pointed to the place where they usually sit and asked me if I remembered that she had gone over to the table and told the mother how cute her child was. I told her I didn’t remember. She went on to tell me that when she told the mother that her child was cute, the mother told her she remembered her saying that. Kate said she asked, “Have I told you that before?” The woman answered, “”Two times” and seemed a bit annoyed. She said that when she told me about it, I said, “”If it happens again, I am going to go over to the woman and tell her that you have Alzheimer’s and can’t help it.” Then I said (that is, today when she told me this story), “”I wouldn’t have said that.” She said, “”You just don’t remember. You remember everything, but when it involves me, you don’t remember anything. If it’s somebody else you remember, but not when it’s me.”

While I have mentioned other occasions when she has imagined I had told her something, this is the first time I recall her having such an elaborate description of something that had happened and my reaction to it. I don’t know that this signals anything of significance, but it is something different.

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More Imagining

Kate just walked into the kitchen and thanked me. I asked what she was thanking me for. She said that I had suggested that she edit black and white photos by converting them into color photos which gave her the ability to control saturation much better than if they were simply black and white. After she edits, she converts them back to black and white, and they look much better. The only thing is that I never made a suggestion that she do this. I told her she should give herself credit. She acknowledged that but said she would never have done it without my suggestion (which I never gave).

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Confusion

Quite a few times I have mentioned Kate’s Deja vu experiences that are almost a daily occurrence. I believe I have also mentioned that she sometimes imagines I have said or done things, for example, thinking that I had told her we were going somewhere when I had not. Just before going to lunch she said something that makes me wonder if this is a pattern that will continue to escalate. This is not the kind of thing I was expecting. Here is what happened.

Several days ago, I went to the backyard where she was working in the flower bed against our wall. I didn’t see a panel of grill work from her parents’ home that we had put in the flower bed. When I said something about it, she didn’t know what happened. Then she said she remembered that, Ronnie, a woman who has helped her with her landscaping had taken it to be painted. I thought that seemed strange since to the best of my knowledge, the Ronnie doesn’t have anything to do with painting. Then today when I went out to the yard to tell her it was time for lunch, she told me she knew where the grill work was and took me to the spot where it had been standing. Whatever had been holding it upright had broken, and it was lying on the ground mostly covered up by leaves. Apparently it was completely covered the other day when I missed it. After she came in to take a shower and get ready for lunch, I was in the bedroom watching a football game when she called to me and said something like, “Richard, I need to tell you something. I guess you will find out soon enough.” I asked her to tell me about it. She told me that Ronnie had brought the grill work back and would set it back up in the flower bed. She seemed especially concerned that I might be upset about her not telling me. While we were at lunch I asked why she seemed upset about it. She told me it was because she was supposed to have told me before and hadn’t done it. I also asked what Ronnie was to have done with the grill work. She said, “I guess paint it.” I told her I didn’t think she had painted it because I could see that it still needed painting. She accepted that and appeared not to recognize any inconsistency between what she had told me before and now.

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Signs of Distraction, Not Noticing Things

I got home a short time ago from donating platelets. It had been almost 4 hours since I left the house. Kate had been outside working in the flower beds at least 30 minutes before I left. I stopped as I drove in the driveway where she was working and asked if the heater man came while I was gone. It was a dumb question as I knew that he was on the way when I left. In addition, I called the company as I was leaving the Red Cross to give them my credit card information to pay for the services. In other words, I knew that he had been here. When I asked Kate the question, she looked puzzled and said, “I don’t know.” Then she asked me what he was doing. I told her he was here to fix the heater. (We had not had heat since returning from Memphis. The weather had not required heat or cooling until today when it was 38 this morning after 40 degrees the previous morning.) She looked puzzled again and tried to think. I told her I knew that he had come, and that I had talked with the office. She then said, “Yeah, I let him in the back.” This is another example of how faulty her memory can be and/or how little attention she pays to things. I believe both things are happening all the time. The important part of this is helping me try to understand how she must be feeling about things. She must feel less and less a part of things going on all around her. It is a withdrawal from life that I am witnessing.

Some of this keeps her from feeling a sense of anticipation about doing different things. Although I knew she wanted to attend Tina’s granddaughter’s wedding, she expressed very little enthusiasm as the time approached. In fact, I had no sense that she was ever thinking about the wedding except when I mentioned it as I did frequently.

Earlier today it dawned on me that I don’t believe I have mentioned anything (or much) about Kate’s moving things that are mine and putting them in places where I can’t easily find them. This morning I was looking for a box of business envelopes that I bought 6-8 weeks ago. I was replacing some that I used to keep here in a drawer in the kitchen (which subs as my office). They disappeared so I bought a new box. When I opened the drawer, they were not there. I went to Kate and asked if she knew anything about them or where I might look to find them. She had absolutely no recollection of them at all. I went to her office and started looking in places that I thought she might have put them. I opened a draw of a table that is by her chair in her office. I found a stack of envelopes that had disappeared earlier; so I took what I needed. I didn’t even try to explain that I didn’t find the ones that had just disappeared but the earlier ones. I simply said that I had found them. This is just one of a number of instances in which she has moved things that are mine.

Last night was our first meeting of the new year for our music club. Kate had been resting for an hour or so when I reminded her about the meeting. She was very lethargic. It was clear that she was not eager to attend. I asked her if she would like to stay home. She said no. At the social hour after the meeting, she seemed to be alone a good bit, but she did talk with several people including the pianist who performed for us. When we got home she said how much she had enjoyed being there. Fortunately, it appears that she gets some pleasure out of the activity of doing things like this even when she doesn’t want to do them in advance. I have noticed this on quite a few other occasions.

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Frustrating Experience

This morning I looked at my calendar and noticed that I had volunteered to call three members of church today to wish them Happy Birthday. Kate had three people, I think, to call on Monday. I had given her the cards with the calling information on them that morning. I had forgotten to follow up until now. When I got home from the Y and a stop by the office, I asked Kate if she had made the calls. She had forgotten. Then she got angry with herself. I felt bad for her. I should have remembered to remind her that afternoon. Now she is suffering for it. She asked that I remind her to make the calls later today.

I am wondering how this is going to work out. I had signed us up for the committee that makes these calls because I thought it might be something that she could do and enjoy. It may turn out that she doesn’t do them at all.

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Little Mistakes

Yesterday afternoon I picked up the mail as we were driving in from dinner. I gave it to Kate since I was driving. I noticed that one item was a package wrapped in a strong plastic like a shipment of clothing from LL Bean. I felt it and told Kate that it was my new checks that I had ordered last week. Later last night I opened the refrigerator to see the package on a shelf. I know this is supposed to be a common type of behavior for someone who has Alzheimer’s, but this is the first time I have noticed this. I have frequently noticed, however, that she typically puts things down in various places for convenience (on the floor, a chair, a sofa, the bed, etc.). It seems a bit stranger to open the refrigerator door and put the checks in it.

This morning we went to our monthly Y breakfast. Kate has given up tea as a way to minimize her acid reflux. For that reason, I told the waitress not to bring her iced tea as usual but to bring her water. She did so and also brought my hot tea. In a moment I noticed that Kate had taken my tea. I didn’t say anything. I just order another one for me. She never realized that she had taken mine.

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An Example of Things

This morning I came from the office to take Kate to lunch before I went to a Rotary meeting. She was on her laptop in the bedroom as I walked in. She said, “”My dental appointment is.” . . “ Then she looked at her laptop calendar and said, “”September 23 at noon.” I didn’t say anything, but, of course, September 23 is long past. She had gotten an email reminder of her appointment a day or two before the 23rd. I realized we had a conflict on that day; so I called the dentist and rescheduled for January. Sometime thereafter she ran across the appointment listed on her September calendar and let me know that she had a dental appointment on September 23. I reminded her that we had changed the appointment and that it was past the 23rd. Sometime after we got home from our cruise (last week), she said that she had an appointment on the 23. I simply told her we had changed it until January. Today when she told me once again, I didn’t say anything. I felt it was better not to tell her it was almost November and that the appointment is now in January.

The funny thing about this is that she doesn’t seem to recall that we had made the change. The more typical thing that happens is that she asks me when something is and when I tell her, she says, “”I know. You told me that before.” Sometimes she says, “”I’ve asked you that 2 or 3 times.”

I still want to reinforce that despite these memory issues we can have a good times together. I believe our quality of life is quite good even though we are both making adjustments to her changing condition.