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Our Dad

Kate finally decided the new computer is not for her. The big factor is the size of the screen. It is to small for editing pictures. I have spent hours getting everything on the new computer. Tomorrow I will spend less time taking things off and preparing to return it to Dell. I may explore giving it to a grandchild first, but I think Kevin’s children are so used to the Apple that going to a PC would not be appealing to them.

Once again, Kate was in bed quite early last night – around 7:30. She did not seem especially depressed, but I think her being tired is related to her discouragement. This morning she left a pot boiling on the stove. It had a peach in it. She was intending to loosen the skin to remove it but forgot about it. I could tell this was another blow for her. She just keeps running into things that make her feel she can’t do anything right. It, of course, saddens me as well. This is just a further indication of the changes that are taking place.

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Still Believing No One Knows

Last night Kate and I sat in front of the fire and just relaxed. It was one of those rare times that she has spoken about her AD. We talked as we have before about how well we have gotten along since her diagnosis. I told her I thought the past 4 years had been the best of our marriage. She hesitated and didn’t quite agree. She preferred to say that we have gotten progressively better with the passage of time. A little later he did acknowledge that the past 4 years have been especially good ones for us.

In the discussion she said something she has mentioned before that no one knows about her condition except Ellen, Ken, and Virginia. She even noted that no one would suspect. Quite naturally, I do not dispute this notion. This is the way she wants it. I want to support to the extent I am able. When she says these things, I must admit to a tinge of guilt for having told our children and even more for telling special friends like the Greeleys and Robinsons or my staff.

Perhaps because I know that Kate’s PEO chapter is aware and that another friend told me he had heard about Kate, I am becoming to suspect that others at our church might have an idea. The other day someone asked me if Kate is with me on most Sundays. I have told her before that Kate is in the library. Sometimes she asks if Kate is in the library. This morning someone else asked me how Kate is. I may be especially sensitive now, but I wondered if she might know. Several other people ask about her, but all of the inquiries could be just normal interest. One day, however, I know that it will occur because they are aware.

I have awakened in the middle of the night several times in the past few nights. I have managed to get back to sleep, but it is has taken more time than I have been accustomed to in the past. Previously, I would wake up and then go right back to sleep. I don’t know if this is just something that is natural with aging or the stress that I feel as I try to keep things in order and think about the future when it will be more challenging.

I feel that my recent contact with several other friends and family members may be an indication of my feeling greater stress than I have had in the past.

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It’s cold outside, and Kate’s there.

I arrived home from the Y about 40 minutes ago. When I drove into the garage I noticed that the door to the patio was open. That usually means that Kate is outside tending (pruning) to her plants. Given that the temperature is 32, I thought surely that couldn’t be the case. When I came inside, I called out, “I’m home.” There was no response. I looked around, and she was not there. Then I knew that she must be outside. I went out to the side of the house, and there she was. I told her I was surprised to see her outside. Then I asked if she knew that it was 32 degrees. She said, “Yes.” I asked if she were cold. She told me she wasn’t. She didn’t have a coat on, but she did have a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I did not notice, but she usually wears another sweatshirt and pants under those. I told her I would be in the house. We’ll see how long she stays out. Right now I am not terribly worried about her from a health standpoint. I don’t believe she is at risk of harming herself. It is just a matter of discomfort. In that regard, she seems all right. What I fear is the future. There may be a time when she is doing this kind of thing and not properly dressed for it. Who knows what lies ahead.

Note added at 10:39. Kate came in 10 minutes ago. She said, “You know what? It’s cold out there.” It turns out that she got along well. She said it was only her hands that felt cold. She did have on two sweatshirts but only one pair of sweatpants.

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It’’s Hard to Remember

Yesterday as we drove away from the restaurant where we had lunch with TCU friend, Kate said, “”Tell me his name again?” I told her. In a few minutes she asked again. Then she practiced it again as she has done with other names.

Later, but still on the way home, she said, “”Polly Jones.” I corrected her telling her that the name of the person whom she was trying to remember, our next door neighbor. She was disappointed that she had slipped up. I told her that there was a good reason that she got mixed up, that she had originally learned it incorrectly as Polly; so it was hard to get that out of her mind.

This morning as I was preparing my breakfast, she called me. I went back to the bedroom. She asked me if I would get the Today Show on the TV. I did so. She looked very discouraged. She hasn’t said a word, but I know that she recognizes her deterioration though the TV is something she has had problems with off and on for at least a year or more.

It is very clear to me that she is getting worse. I also find myself getting more anxious.

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Travel Issues

Yesterday Kate and I drove to Nashville to attend a performance of Tirandot at the Schermerhorn Symphony Center. As always, I was concerned that Kate would not remember to bring things she likes or needs. Such was the case. As she was packing in a rush, she couldn’t find the shoes she wanted to wear last night. I found a pair of black boots that she said would work. It turned out, however, that they are too tight; so walking was a problem. Fortunately, we didn’t have far to go, just across the street.

After the opera, she discovered she hadn’t brought anything to sleep in. She asked if I had something. I gave her the dress shirt I had worn to the opera. Interestingly, she brought several pair of hose. She wore 3 pair to the opera to protect her from the cold. We were outside for only a short time; so she was a little warmer than she likes.

We opted for the breakfast buffet this morning. This offered another example of the difficulty she has getting her eyes to focus on the various items she is looking for. For example, she stood in front of the bowls beside an assortment of fruit (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and apricots) as well as yogurt. She noticed the fruit and then walked down the buffet looking for a bowl even though they had been right in front of her. She didn’t notice the bowls, but she said she remembered having been here before even though this was our first time at this hotel. Another case of Deja Vu.

Last night at the opera, she asked me to take her gloves because she couldn’t get them in the pocket of her jacket. Now that I think of it, I must have dropped them below my seat because I don’t see them. It is obvious that I don’t do a great job of keeping up with her things. I am finding it challenging to keep up with her things as well as my own.

As soon as we came back to the room after breakfast, she got right in the bed with the covers over her. Over the past year or two this has become a pattern. In a few minutes I will get her up to meet an old TCU friend for lunch.

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Good Times

The past few days have been busy ones but full of good experiences. On Friday we went to Nashville to visit the Greeleys. We both enjoy them. Scott had just arrived home from a class in which he was showing his photos from their trip to Africa last September. It was a dreary, rainy day. We had lunch that Jan had prepared; so we didn’t worry about going out until dinner. We didn’t get home until after 9:30, but the trip had been well worth it. Kate still gets along well in situations like this. She does occasionally make slips when she is talking, but I believe I am the only one who would know it. For example, she told a story of her trip to Mexico City when she was in high school. She mixed in a story from our trip to Colombia in 1976. She said she had asked the wife and mother of the family she was staying with where the maid lived and was taken to a small room off the kitchen. This is something that actually happened when we arrived at our place in Cali, Colombia.

Saturday morning we went to the regional auditions for The Metropolitan Opera. This was our first time to do this, and I wasn’t sure that Kate would want to stay for the whole thing. She enjoyed it so much that we stayed right through the announcement of the winners around 4:30. It had started at 10:00. It was a wonderful day of entertainment. These were extremely accomplished singers from 15 states and 1 from Canada. We also saw a number of people (8-10) we know. It was fun to talk with them during breaks.

Last night we attended a concert by a European opera company that has been coming to Knoxville for the past 5 years or so. They had several singers who performed highlights from operas by Rossini, Puccini, and Verdi. It was outstanding. Once again, Kate loved it. Our seats were on the second row, and there was no one sitting on the front row. We both like to be close; so this added to the pleasure of the evening.

The only down side of the day was the short time after we had come home from the auditions and before we left for dinner and the concert. We didn’t have much time, and Kate decided to change clothes. At one point when I felt she needed to know that it was time to leave, I started back to her room and started to gently ask how she was coming along. She shouted at me, “Leave me alone. Don’t say anything.” When she came out, he was wearing something old that was fine, but she could have been wearing one of her new clothes we had bought. By the way, that morning before the auditions, she had told me, “I’ll be ready when I get ready. Don’t say anything.” We had a similarly tense moment this morning getting ready for church. The moments when we are trying to get ready continue to be the most challenging one’s for both of us.

As we were going eat lunch today, she pointed to a couple walking a dog along the street. She said, “Now look at that couple.” I then said, “Have you seen them at Panera?” She gave me a dirty stare. The reason I asked is that she commonly asks me to look at someone in a restaurant like Panera Bread. Then she tells me she wants me to remember them because she has seen them before. I don’t know whether or not she has seen them before, but this kind of behavior on her part is new within the last year or so. It happens pretty frequently.

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Little Things

Today Kate and I met with the visitation committee at church. As is our custom, committee members brought birthday cards for those with birthdays. When we arrived, Kate started to take a single seat to two other people. That would have meant we were not seated together. This is not a significant issue in terms of our relationship. It’s just that in the past she would have automatically sat in a place where I might sit beside her. I have noticed this in a couple of other instances when we have been out with Ellen, for example, a movie.

Kate’s birthday had been the week before and our custom is for each member of the committee to bring a birthday card for anyone who had not been recognized at the previous meeting. The woman chairing our group pointed out that Kate was to sit in a special seat reserved for her. It was the place where the birthday cards were on the placemat. She took the appropriate seat, but I don’t believe she understood that she had birthday cards in front of her. About 15-20 minutes into the meeting, I asked if she were going to open her cards. She hesitated a moment and then started opening them. Knowing that she would not be able to remember, I reminded her that the person receiving the cards usually passes them around for everyone to see. She looked confused and asked if I had a pen. Realizing that she still didn’t understand that the cards were for her, I told her they were her cards, and she didn’t need to sign the cards. This is just another reminder that she is often confused regarding what is going on around her. It is almost like she isn’t even listening. This happens even when it is just the two of us.

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Lunch Experience

Kate and I just got back from lunch. Here are a couple of examples of the kinds of behavior that I see as routine. While I ordered, she went to the drink machine to get a Dr. Pepper. It is a new type of dispenser that has about 30 different drinks. You press the appropriate logos to select the drink you want. Then you go to a different screen that permits you to dispense the drink into your cup. I saw that she was puzzled and that she had Dr. Pepper but no ice. She came back to the counter to ask where she could get ice. The person went to the machine with her and showed her how. It turns out that although it is a fancy high-tech machine, the ice is dispensed just the way it is in any other drink machine. The fact that the machine looked so different I am sure caused her not to recognize how to get her ice.

When the sandwich arrived, she put a large amount of mustard on it. When she ate it, her hands got messy. She needed a napkin but didn’t see that they were on the table on my side. When she uses a napkin she does so like a child without opening it up. She used 5 napkins, and I gave her the one I had used at the end.

When we got in the car, I noticed that she had mustard on her slacks. She said she would have to get it off as soon as we got home, but she went back to her yard rather quickly; so I don’t know if she cleaned the mustard off or not. We leave in 25 minutes for a movie. These are all little things and things that any one of us might do. The difference is that they happen so regularly.

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Still Outside

I have now been home just over 3 ½ hours, and Kate is still outside working. This is obviously something she enjoys immensely because she usually is interested in eating around 11:00. It is almost 2 hours past that time. I am going out to let her know it is time for lunch.

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Always Something New

I just arrived back home from the Y. I usually stop by the office, but today is Martin Luther King’s birthday. Our office and many others are closed. When I arrived home, I looked for Kate in the house. I had seen the garage door to the backyard was open slightly and considered the possibility that she was working in the yard. Though the sun is shining, the temperature is in the lower 40s; so I really thought she would be inside. Once inside, I called to her and got no answer. Then I looked out back and saw that she was on the ground in the flower bed around the fence. I went out to see her. I asked if she were cold. She said she was but it was not too bad. She said she had on two sweatshirts and two pair of pants. I also called attention to the fact that she was wearing 3 baseball caps on her head. She seemed happy as a lark. I made no effort to encourage her to come inside. If she gets cold enough, I know she will come in. Although I can’t imagine deriving the same measure of pleasure from this kind of work, I accept the fact that it is important therapy for her. I reiterate something I have said before, one day I do expect that her pruning activity will be rewarded with new growth. I just fear that it will be too late for her to fully appreciate it.

Yesterday was the warmest day we have had in several weeks. The high was in the 60s. The sun was shining brightly. Kate spent more than 3.5 hours pruning. It was almost 7:00 pm when she came inside. That was almost an hour after dark.