I started the movie, Dreamer, about 35 minutes ago. We were watching, and I thought enjoying it when she said, “I’ll be right back.” I took the opportunity to get ready to take a shower. I looked outside, and she had gone out there. She went out to look for the night guard she lost.
The Trip to New York
We have been back from NYC for 3 days, and I have not written a word about our trip and how it went. The first thing to say is that it was a very good trip. With respect to my plans, I would say that everything worked out perfectly. We did an amazing variety of things and gave the grandchildren a good taste of the city. Kate got along well. It was good that we had Jesse and Ken with us to help with the three boys. I could never have managed Kate and the grandchildren by myself.
A Visit With Out-of-State Friends
Debbie and Bruce Morton (a TCU roommate) visited us yesterday after spending two days with friends in Nashville. Kate’s memory of them was sketchy. We hadn’t seen them in a while and was a little uneasy about the visit. When they left, she talked about how much she had enjoyed the visit. She got along quite well. I noticed a few little things that the Mortons would not have noticed. David told me he and Vicki were surprised at how well she is doing. These are two common things about visiting with friends. Kate is often a little hesitant about getting together with people she doesn’t remember. The other thing is that everyone always is struck by how well Kate seems to handle herself. They often say, “If I hadn’t known, I would not have suspected she has Alzheimer’s.”
Two Surprises
Yesterday two things happen that are further signs of Kate’s recent decline in both short-term and long-term memory. The first occurred when I attended a communications committee meeting of the United Way. On the way over, the thought hit me that Ross Kilgore, CEO of UW, might indicate knowledge about Kate. When I saw him, that is exactly what happened. He asked me how she was “doing.” It was clear this wasn’t the usual inquiry. ” I responded that she was getting along well. I told him that we had been very fortunate and were grateful that we had been able to enjoy such a long period of time without any major disruption in our lives. I also told him that 2015 was the beginning of a new and more difficult phase. He expressed concern and told me that his mother had had AD. He also mentioned anpther couple who are going through the same thing. I told him I had spoken with the husband just the day before. The significance of this exchange with Ross is that the word is beginning to get around. In most respects this is a relief. I don’t have to be as careful in guarding Kate’s secret as I have done in the past. I also don’t worry that someone is going to say something to Kate.
The second, and bigger, blow occurred last night at Casa Bella. We were there for their opera night. Our regular order is to split a single order of the veal piccata and then share one slice of amaretto cheesecake. Last night, however, I decided to order the piccata for Kate and try something else for myself. I expected her to say something about this change since we have eaten the same thing for so many years. She never said a word. From our conversation afterwards, I know that she didn’t notice that is what I had done.
The even bigger occurrence was that when the waiter asked if we wanted dessert, she asked him what they had. She has loved their cheesecake for years. It is one of her very favorite desserts. Even when she is trying to watch her eating, she and I split the cheesecake. Interestingly, the waiter mentioned the their bread pudding but not the cheesecake. Before Kate could order, I said, “We usually get the cheesecake.” This memory failure is significant because it is a clear indication that something of great importance to her over the years is now drifting away.
Although I have said since late fall that 2015 was going to be a different year, it is painful and anxiety inducing to experience the reality of this decline. I am now more clearly facing a major change in the nature of our relationship because so much of what is involved in a marriage involves the sharing of common memories. I don’t mean to suggest that they are all gone. We are quite a way from that I hope. Nonetheless, she is declining more rapidly than in the past.
More On Coordination
This afternoon we had planned to go to a movie at 4:30. After lunch, we came back home. I came inside, and Kate started to do some things in the yard. Very shortly, she came inside. It was too hot. We called Jesse who had called us last night while we were attending an event honoring one of my major clients. We talked about an hour. At 3:00, I told her we had an hour before we would leave for the movie. At 3:45 she walked into the kitchen dressed for yard work. I told her we would leave in about 20 minutes. She asked me to give her 5 minutes in the yard. I did just that, and she came in. At 3:05 I checked to see how she was coming along because it was time to leave. She was in her bathroom getting reading but not dressed. I told her it was time to leave. She asked me to leave her alone. I followed her instructions as I have learned to do. When she hadn’t come out at 4:25, I went back to check again. She was in bed working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. It was obvious to me that she had forgotten we were going to the movie. I said, “Why don’t we go to dinner in a while and forget the movie.” Then she started to get up to get dressed. I told her the movie was getting ready to start. She felt badly. I made the mistake and said, “I hate for you to suffer.” She immediately and sternly asked me “never to use that word with her again.” I will remember that. She doesn’t want to be treated as a patient.
Our 52nd Anniversary
We are on our summer schedule at church. That means a combined adult Sunday school class at 9:00 and worship at 10:15. One of Kate’s favorite pastors is teaching the combined class. Kate had wanted to go last week, but she didn’t get ready until it was too late. Last night I asked Kate if she wanted to go this morning. She said she did. I got up about 30 minutes before her. She came into the kitchen while I was eating my breakfast. I wished her a happy anniversary. She gave a look that indicated that she had forgotten.
We hugged, and I asked her once again if she would like to go to go to Sunday school. She confirmed that she did. She asked me how much time she had before leaving. I told her about an hour and a half. In a short time she came into the kitchen again. She was groggy. I walked over to her and gave her a hug, and said, “Happy Anniversary.” She said, “Oh, it’s our anniversary?” and hugged back.
I went out for a walk 15-30 minutes later. When I returned, she was resting on the bed. I asked if she still wanted to go. She said she did. I went into the kitchen to check my email. A little while later, I went to our bedroom to check on her. She was resting. I asked if she wouldn’t rather skip Sunday school and just go to church. She said yes.
I left her again while I watched a video of a Rotary meeting I had missed while we were in Switzerland. About 40 minutes before our church service was to start, I went back to the bedroom and found that she was asleep. I decided to let her sleep. About 20 minutes ago, I checked again and found her in bed working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. I asked if she were hungry. She said yes, and I said, “Well, let’s get ready for lunch.” She said OK. I can’t be absolutely sure, but I am sure she doesn’t remember that we were going to church.
Challenges to Coordinating
We got home from Switzerland a week ago this evening. It has been a week for catching up. I have had only one meeting, and I have not pushed myself. Part of me says this is a good thing to do. The other part says it would be better to be focusing on other things than Kate and myself. I feel a slight sense of anxiety over her changing condition. I sense that it makes it hard for me to focus.
Our 52nd anniversary is tomorrow. Last night we went to a dinner that I considered our anniversary celebration. I had told Kate the day before that I had made dinner reservations. When I tell things I have planned, I know she won’t remember them, but I find it is a natural thing to do. An hour before we were scheduled to leave for the restaurant, I told her how much time we had. I believe I also reminded her where we were going to dinner. I know I had told her earlier in the day. In fact, I had mentioned our celebrating our anniversary, and she thought it was yesterday. I told her it was not until Sunday but that given other things we would celebrate tonight. When it was about 35 minutes before we were to leave, she was still in bed. I told her I thought it was time to get ready. She asked how much time she had. I told her 35 minutes. She said that was a lot of time and started to relax in the bed again. I asked if she knew what she was going to wear. She looked puzzled. Then she asked where we were going. I told her. I mentioned it was our anniversary dinner. She said, “Oh, is it today?” I told her that it was Sunday etc. This is just another example of the deterioration of her memory. Life is changing for both of us.
Short-term memory problem
About 45-55 minutes ago I told Kate that we should dress for the funeral of a church friend before going to lunch. She had been outside working and was a mess. She thought my idea was a good one. When she had dressed, I told her that I thought we should go to Panera to save time before the funeral. She had completely forgotten that we were going to the funeral. She said, “Well, I can’t wear this to a funeral.” Then she went back to her room to change. Now we have even less time to dress before the funeral. It is now 1:07, and the service is at 2:00. This is the kind of thing that is becoming a daily occurrence. Even though I know that her short-term memory is going fast, it never crossed my mind to remind her.
Downward Spiral
I am feeling like Kate is in the midst of a more serious downward spiral than she has experienced before. Her short-term memory is becoming weaker and weaker. The biggest issue with this is time. She seems not to have any sense of time. I am trying not to push her to get ready for things like our Y breakfast this morning. I do my best not to push her, but it is never easy.
Yesterday at 11:55, I got her to come in from outside so that we could get a bite to eat and go to a 12:50 movie. There was also a 3:45. I gave her the option of going to the later showing, but she chose the earlier one. At 12:35 I went back to check on her. She had just gotten out of the shower and was not dressed. She sternly told me not to say anything. I didn’t and decided to wait until she was ready.
Finally, at 2:00 (an hour and ten minutes past the start time for the movie) I went to check on her. I found her on the bed in the large guest room. I asked if she were getting hungry. She said, “yes.” She got up slowly, and we went to Panera. While there, I told her the movie would start at 3:45 which gave us time to go back home for a while. She never realized that she had forgotten about the 12:50 movie. In this case that was just fine. In other situations, we don’t have other options. For example, going to the symphony, Sunday school, a theater production, etc.
I have mentioned previously that I am only now seeing how important short-term memory is to daily functioning. This seems like the kind of behavior that we commonly associate with someone with dementia. I must admit that this scares me a bit.
The Flight Home
Kate’s iPad’s battery ran down with a couple of hours to go. I let her use mine. Then they served a snack and she gave my iPad back to me. After the snack she wanted to work more jigsaw puzzles. She reached over to my lap and got her iPad. When it wouldn’t turn on, I reminded her that the battery had died. I gave her mine again. After a while she decided to try to sleep. Then she got her iPad and discovered the battery was dead.
As long as I have known her, she has avoided eating anything with coconut in it, but today they served coconut cake. She ate it without even thinking what kind of cake it was. I have observed similar things back home.
She has continued to have deja vu experiences while on the trip. At lunch in Bern yesterday, she noted having seen the photos on the wall.
Our waiter set two places across from each other at a table for 4. After I took my seat, she sat down diagonally across from me. When I mentioned that she might want to join me, she said, “We can each choose individually.” This is also something she has done when we are eating out at home.
