Posted on

A Special Anniversary Lunch In Asheville

Kate and I have celebrated our anniversary in Asheville many times. It comes around Memorial Day, and there are always interesting things happening while we are here. When we were here last year, I wasn’t sure that Kate would be back this year. As with so many things, she has surprised me, so I made plans just a couple of weeks ago. I’m glad we made it one more time.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that Kate and I have a daily routine when we are at home in Knoxville. Apart from our morning visit to Panera for Kate’s blueberry muffin, we know the restaurants where will be eating for lunch and dinner each day of the week. That routine has created an interesting and very supportive network of people. We find that we are drawn to the various restaurants more for the social reasons than for the food itself.

That leads me to tell you about a special relationship we have developed with a server here in Asheville. We met her at lunch several years ago, when she was working at one of our favorite places. On a later trip, we went to lunch at a different restaurant. It turned out she had moved to that restaurant, and she remembered us. Since that time, we have made it a point to eat There each time we visit the city and, of course, ask for Melissa.

The last time we were here was in December. I mentioned that we might see her again at the end of May, but I was doubtful. She asked for our home address and sent us a Christmas card with a very nice note attached. I was touched by that and intended to write her a note telling how much her note had meant, but I lost the address. I decided I should call the restaurant to get it but never got around to it. Then as our anniversary date got closer, I thought about making the trip back to Asheville to see her as well as Jenny who works at the front desk at the Haywood Park Hotel where we always stay.

Two weeks ago, I called the restaurant and learned that Melissa had changed to another restaurant in town. It’s another place we have eaten a number of times over the years. I called and left a message for Melissa to text me. She did, and we arranged for this year’s visit.

Our lunch turned out to be the highlight of the day, not because of the food (which was excellent) but because of Melissa. I should add that we have established relationships with servers in a number of restaurants in Knoxville. That is not surprising given that we see them so frequently, most of them once a week. This bonding with Melissa is unique in that we are here only two or three times a year at the most, and I don’t know that we will ever be back. What I do know is that it is possible for people to connect in a special way even in something as fleeting as a “server/guest” relationship. Melissa and other servers who have been so kind to us may never know how much they add to our lives.

Postscript: We discovered that she and her husband’s anniversary was also yesterday. It’s just two years for her, but I hope our 55 years together will be an inspiration for her.

Posted on

Preparing For and Enjoying Time with Friends

Kate got up earlier this morning but late enough that we were a little short of time before meeting a group of friends at 11:00. We squeezed in just enough time for get Kate’s muffin. As she was eating, I reminded her that we were going to a birthday celebration today. As I had expected, she hadn’t remembered. I explained that this was a group of friends who had been faculty colleagues at the middle where she had been the media specialist for about ten years. Several of them had January birthdays and used to celebrate together. It had been five years since our last time together; so I had arranged for us to do it this year.

Kate asked me to tell her who would be there. I went through each of the six other people besides ourselves. In a moment, she asked again. After that she said, “You might have to tell me again.” She then asked me how we knew these people. I reminded her of the school connection.

Then she asked me to tell her who our children are. As she did the other day, it sounded like she really knew and just wanted to practice names. I told her their names. Then I proceeded to tell her the names of the grandchildren. After that she said, “Where are we right now?” I asked if she “meant this place.” She nodded, and I said, “Panera.” When we got in the car she asked, “Where are we?” I asked if she meant the city. She did, and I told her. As we neared the home of the couple hosting the event, she asked me the names if the people we would see. I told her and also told her I didn’t think she would have to worry about knowing each person’s name, that everyone would assume she knew them. I may be imputing too much, but she looked a little apprehensive as we arrived at the house.

We were greeted by three people at the front door. From that point, everything went well. Kate’s gift for social interaction came to the rescue. I suspect that everyone was surprised at how well she seems to be doing. There was a lot of conversation before, during, and after the meal. Kate was not very talkative, but neither was I. Several of the others are big talkers, and there was a lot of reminiscing of experiences they had shared in their teaching careers.

There were only two things that Kate said that would have been signs of her Alzheimer’s. The woman hosting us had prepared a spaghetti casserole that was a recipe of Kate’s mother’s. We talked briefly about that early in the meal. Fifteen or twenty minutes after that as we were talking about foods that we liked, Kate said, “I wish you could have had my mother’s spaghetti casserole.” I had informed everyone of Kate’s diagnosis before we got together; so they didn’t say anything to make her realize that was something we talked about before.

The other thing was that Kate told them about a school at which she had taught. As she described it, I knew that she was talking about the school where each of them had taught together. I was a bit uncomfortable as she was talking because I knew that some of the things she said weren’t true. I am sure everyone realized that she was confused.

What I will take away from this gathering is that Kate handled herself very well, and we both enjoyed ourselves. I still can’t escape the sense that she is changing significantly and hoping that she will be able to function well in social situations for a good while to come.

Posted on

Trip Report

We returned home just before 7:00 p.m. tonight after spending three nights in Fort Worth. As I have suggested in other posts while we were gone, I am very glad we made the trip. Kate enjoyed seeing her extended family. She didn’t, and still doesn’t, remember most of the names, but she has a strong emotional tie to her family. In recent years, as her short-term memory has faded away, much of her conversation with others has drifted toward family. Most of that has been about her mother but has included her father and her extended family. I didn’t imagine her having another opportunity to share special moments with them. While it is unfortunate that this one was prompted by her cousin Chester’s death, it is in times of loss that family ties seem especially important. In this respect, the weekend could not have been better.

Travel is, however, demanding for Kate, and I must admit something of a challenge for me as well. I envision that it is a combination of these things that will ultimately cause us to curtail it. For Kate, there is a certain amount of pressure or stress in being in strange places and with large numbers of people she doesn’t remember. She made it through Saturday beautifully. At the visitation on Saturday evening, one of her extended family members and I noticed her in conversation with another member of the family. She appeared to be an equal participant in the conversation. I suspect she didn’t know who she was talking with, but I am sure he conveyed either directly or indirectly that he is part of the family. She obviously was quite comfortable with him. This is also true for her with most people, especially if their interaction is brief.

Nonetheless, it requires a lot of effort to “perform” in this way. She has been very tired the past two days. She went to bed around 8:30 Saturday night. I had to wake her up at 10:00 Sunday morning so that we could meet several family members for a lunch to celebrate Kate’s 77th birthday. She didn’t want to get up, but she did. Slowly, but she got up, and we arrived in ample time for her celebration.

I had originally planned to stay in Fort Worth last night. Knowing that it is sometimes difficult for her to get going in the morning, I changed my mind and made reservations in a hotel near the airport in Dallas. That way there would be less rushing to make our flight at 12:15. That turned out to be a wise decision. She was asleep by 8:00 last night, and she slept until 9:00 when I woke her up this morning. Although she would have preferred to stay in bed, she was very cooperative in getting up, and we were able to leave for the airport at 10:00. That gave us time to get something to eat before our flight.

Everything else went smoothly on the way home. We arrived a few minutes early in Atlanta, and our flight from Atlanta to Knoxville was right on time. We stopped by Chalupas to get a bite to eat before coming home. It was almost 7:00 p.m. when we got to the house. I went back to our bedroom around 7:15. Kate was already in bed. She was wearing a robe that was inside-out as happens a good bit. Using hand signals, she asked me to get her a night gown. I brought one to her. She stood up to take off the robe and put the gown on. I started to unpack some things and noticed that she was putting on the robe again, the right way, and had not put on her gown. I mentioned it, and she put the gown on.

That kind of confusion is common, but I believe travel adds an extra measure of confusion because of the unfamiliar surroundings, especially when we are moving from one unfamiliar place to another as people do when they travel. She often asks where we are when we travel. That was different this time. I only recall two times that she asked, “Where are we?” One of those was at dinner at the hotel in Dallas last night. The other was when we got off the plane in Knoxville and were walking to baggage claim. As many times as we have walked through that airport, she didn’t recognize it.

It is impossible for me to understand how stressful travel is for her because she never talks about it. I don’t know how much of this relates to her general preference not to dwell on her Alzheimer’s or if she really doesn’t sense the stress. I believe it is the latter. I think she forgets she has Alzheimer’s except when it comes up at one of her doctor’s appointments. That makes me think that at the very least she doesn’t connect her diagnosis with her experiences.

For me, the most challenging aspect of travel involves airports. That includes going through security. I find myself focusing on getting all the things that need to go through the scanner unloaded and then putting those things back on or in my clothes on the other side. Kate is often confused by the instructions given by the personnel; so I have to watch for that. It is hard enough for me to remember to take everything of mine that has been scanned. Now I have to make sure I have her things as well.

I wish the security check were the most difficult part of travel for me. It is not. It is changing planes in Atlanta that is the challenge. I fear losing her as I did the other day. I can’t tell you how stressful that was. There are so many people and places that it is very hard to find someone.

Another concern is use of the restroom. It takes her a long time in the bathrooms at home, but in an airport there is a substantial challenge. I have already identified family restrooms in the Atlanta airport and may soon try those.

One additional issue with travel is getting from one place to another in a timely fashion. She has only one speed, and it is very slow. At home, I can control much of this because I try to avoid as many specific time commitments as I can. That works pretty well. When we are traveling, you have flight schedules that are not flexible. In addition, when other people are involved, it often involves a set time to meet. This always means planning in advance to make sure we are on time or reasonably close.

When you add up all these things, and I am not beginning to remember the many little things that come up when traveling, I can see why some people stop traveling long before we have. Even with that, I am not ready to call it quits. I still want to make at least one more trip to Texas. If that one is half as successful as the one we just took, I might think about another. My head tells me that it is unlikely that we will do any more airline travel after the next six months, but my head has been wrong before. I hope it will be once again.

Posted on

Kate’s 77th Birthday

Yesterday was Kate’s birthday, and I hadn’t envisioned much of a celebration since we were in Fort Worth for the memorial service and related events surrounding the passing of her cousin, Chester. It turned out, however, that we didn’t have anything scheduled until the family gathered together at 1:30 before the service at 2:00. Kate’s cousin Sharon asked if she could take Kate to lunch as a birthday treat. Together we turned that into a larger gathering to include Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia, as well as our son Kevin’s family. It was a special treat to have another cousin of Kate’s who is from Massachusetts. She hasn’t attended as many family gatherings over the years, and it was nice to visit with her.

Sharon made arrangements for lunch at a restaurant that was close to the church. The lunch turned out to be a perfect way to recognize Kate who hadn’t remembered it was her birthday. Ken and Virginia got us off to a good start by ordering Saganaki, a Greek flaming appetizer. That started the celebration with a little flare, or should I say flame. All of us got out our cameras/phones to capture the flames. That was followed by lots of visiting and good food. It was special for her to share those moments with people who are so special to her. When we got in the car to drive to the church, I said, “Happy Birthday.” Kate said, “Oh, is it my birthday? I didn’t know.”

We met in the Franklin Center of the Methodist church where Kate’s family had been members for so long. Her grandparents’ home had stood on a portion of the property now occupied by the church. The Center has a display of some of the things from the home. Kate loved looking at these things as if for the first time. In her mind it was exactly that.

It was a beautiful service and especially moving for Kate. Family has always been important to her, and Chester was significant for a number of reasons. He had remained in Fort Worth as the rest of the family had made their way to other places. Family was very important to him. We saw him as someone who kept the family memories alive in the place where Kate’s grandparents had made their mark in the early part of the twentieth century. Chester had also been very active in the community in a variety of ways. The church was packed to honor him.

Following the service we spent a little time with Ken and Virginia. Then they went back to their home in San Angelo. We checked into a hotel near the airport for our flight out shortly after noon today. Kate is sleeping soundly. I will probably wake her in another hour or so. I would like to leave for the airport around 10:00. As we leave today, I am feeling good that Kate has had this time with the larger family. That is not something I had thought would happen. She won’t remember it, but each moment meant a lot to her.

 

Posted on

Celebrating the Life of Kate’s Cousin

Our first day back in Fort Worth was a day filled with reunions with family, some we hadn’t seen in many years and a few we had never met. We were brought together to celebrate the life of Kate’s cousin, Chester Hendricks. We attended a private graveside service with family on a cold morning that was offset by the warmth of this family reunion. As someone who came from a very small family, my mother, father, and brother and a few others whom we rarely saw, I’ve always been struck by the emotional ties that bind the Franklin family together. Today’s gathering brought back memories of the early days when I was introduced to the family. By now, of course, those who were the senior generation are no longer with us, and the rest of us have spread to other places.

When we first heard the news of Chester’s passing, I knew this was a time for Kate to be with family. Chester was four years older than Kate, but they had grown up together and shared many family times. Despite the challenges of travel with Kate, yesterday’s experience confirmed that coming back was the right thing to do.

At the graveside service, about half of the family were seated under the canopy while others gathered around the edges. Kate and her cousin, Sharon Billings, took a seat. I started to join them but did not because I didn’t want to disturb the two oldest members of the family who were seated in two chairs I would have had to go through. As the minister made his remarks, I noticed that Kate was wiping tears from her eyes. Sharon reached in her purse for a tissue and then put her arm around Kate. There have only been a few occasions when I have seen Kate cry. She was obviously very moved. I felt a need to be beside her and made my way to her side.

I can never know exactly what she is thinking or feeling. I do know that she can’t remember most of the family who were in attendance or even that we are in Fort Worth. On the other hand, she understands she is with family, and, in that moment, she remembered Chester. While that emotion lasted only for the duration of the service, it was clear that she was saddened. Her tears brought back moments at Christmas when we were in Lubbock with Kevin’s family. She seemed to be experiencing a sense of melancholy as she reflected on the past.

Chester was buried in the family plot. After the service, Kate and I walked around to see the headstones of some of the other family members who are buried there. We lingered over those of her mother and father and an infant daughter who died two years before Kate was born. She didn’t remember the infant daughter’s death. Over the past few years she had talked about that daughter’s passing and that it was something she had not realized as a child. I pointed out the two spaces where our ashes are to be buried.

The family gathered for lunch at one of Chester’s favorite barbeque places. Then we returned to the hotel until 3:45 when we met Kevin and his family at a nearby Panera. We came back to the hotel to meet Ken and Virginia and one of Kate’s cousins, Ethel Longfort. From there we attended Chester’s visitation. There was a much larger crowd than the family we had been with earlier in the day. There were literally hundreds there to pay their respects to Chester who had been very active in business, church, and civic affairs in Fort Worth for all of his adult life. It had been a very good day. I am so glad Kate was able to be here.

Posted on

Christmas in Lubbock

We had a very nice Christmas Day. It was special in several ways. This was Brian’s first Christmas at home as a college student. It was also the first time that Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia, had joined us for Christmas dinner. Rachel’s parents, Linda and Scott Livingston, who live in a small town outside of Lubbock also joined us. It was hard for me to get out of my mind the thought that this might very well be the last Christmas that Kate and I will be here. As noted in my earlier posts, the way things are going so far I suspect it will not be possible (or wise) to bring her back two years from now. I am not even sure that we will make it to Memphis to be with Jesse’s family next year. My only regret is that we didn’t get to spend more time with Virginia and Ken. I’m already thinking about the possibility of another trip to see them in the spring.

It is very difficult for Kate to follow what is happening in a group situation like this. She responds by being quiet and tuning out on much that is going on. She continues to have difficulty remembering that we are in Lubbock. She pulled me aside at the gathering today to ask, “Where do these people (our son and his family) live?” Although she doesn’t say much, I do think she enjoys being in the company of family, especially for Christmas.

We started the day earlier than previous days. Kate was ready for breakfast by 8:00. I had brought breakfast back to the room for myself a few minutes after 7:00. We went back to the breakfast area where Kate had some juice and yogurt. We were there about forty-five minutes before she wanted to go to Panera. We did, but it was no surprise that they were closed. We came back to the hotel until time to leave for Kevin’s house. We were there just before 10:00.

Everyone chipped in to make the Christmas dinner. As usual, we had plenty to eat and good conversation. Kate’s brother and his wife as well as Rachel’s parents left not too long after dinner. We spent the remainder of the day relaxing. Kate worked on her iPad while I watched a little football. We also played a game or two. Kate didn’t participate in the games. She was happy with her iPad. Before coming back to the hotel, we enjoyed some of the leftovers. It was a nice Christmas.

Posted on

Celebrating Anniversaries

Today is a special day for us. Fifty-six years ago, Kate and I had our first date to a performance of Handel’s Messiah at TCU. Fifty-five years ago, we became officially engaged. We have never formally celebrated these events, but I think we have only forgotten them on one or two occasions.

Kate ceased to remember any special dates several years ago. That includes birthdays, our wedding anniversary, all of the important dates of our children and grandchildren, as well as holidays. Even though I have mentioned today’s anniversaries to her a number of times over the past few days including several times today, she doesn’t remember. It is amazing how we have adapted. The first time or two she forgot my birthday or our wedding anniversary it made me sad. Now I find satisfaction knowing that she is happy and that we are still able to do so many things together. Part of the reason I feel the Christmas season is so special is because of these events. I let the moments we are enjoying now and the memories of the past rekindle the feelings we had at that time and feel grateful.

Posted on

Continuing To Enjoy The Christmas Season

As it is for so many people, the Christmas season is very special to Kate and me. Many of our favorite memories (now it’s really “my” memories) are of events that happened during this season. Our first date was to attend a performance of Handel’s Messiah at TCU on December 19, 1961. We became engaged a year later on that same day. Of course, there was the excitement of announcing the engagement to Kate’s family when everyone gathered for Christmas dinner at Kate’s parents’ home. Over the years we have had a number of special trips during the first or second week of December. We have especially enjoyed New York City at this time of year. All this is to say that I approach this season with the kind of feeling we associate with this time of year.

I have often conveyed how much Kate and I enjoy the performing arts. This year we are having a musical Christmas. We attended the Christmas program at the Flat Rock Playhouse this past Saturday as well as our Christmas dinner at Casa Bella that included a full musical program of popular Christmas music. Last night we added one more musical experience to this year’s celebrations. This was also at Casa Bella. This time it was a program of more classical Christmas favorites. This program also included a few of the popular ones as well as more audience participation. Kate joined in on the singing. She had a great time, and so did I. It was especially nice being with the Adairs. In addition, the restaurant was decorated beautifully, and we have seen so many of the people in attendance that we all seem to have a sense of being with close friends. If we hadn’t already been in the Christmas spirit, this would have given us a good jump start.

Posted on

Celebrating The Christmas Season

Last night, Kate and I attended a special Christmas dinner at Casa Bella. This is an annual event done in conjunction with Broadway Night. Christmas music makes up the entire musical program. That includes not only the musicians who entertain us, but also those who are in the audience. The formal program consisted of selected music from “The Winter Rose,” a cantata by Joseph Martin. Neither of us was familiar with the music, but we and the rest of the audience enjoyed it. Apart from the beautiful music, we sat once again with the same couple we usually sit with. They are both 93 and in great shape. We loved sharing another evening with them.

That was the second of a number of Christmas events we will be attending this week and next. I am happy that we are able to enjoy the season in this way. I only wish Kate were able to fully appreciate it. She does enjoy the specific events like last night, but her memory doesn’t permit her to retain any sense that it is the Christmas season and to reflect on how much we have enjoyed it in the past as well as the present. She doesn’t say anything about Christmas or anything about the outside decorations I have put up. Even when I showed her what I had done, she was only able to say, “That’s nice” without a lot of enthusiasm. This is another characteristic of her AD. She is simply much more even in her expression of emotions except for things that she especially likes or dislikes.

Posted on

It’s Beginning To Look A “Little” Like Christmas

Like everyone else Christmas is a special season of the year for Kate and me. We used to do all the things that usually accompany the season. Kate always loved these things, decorating the house, shopping for just the right gifts, and sending Christmas cards. Over the years, we have done less. Sending Christmas cards was the first thing to go. I don’t recall exactly when that happened. I am reasonably sure it preceded Kate’s diagnosis. Come to think of it, that might have been one of the earliest signs of her AD. I do know that it was things like that that caused me to recognize she was making changes that didn’t match her long-standing personality.

Since the diagnosis, decorating the house had become a priority only when we were entertaining during the Christmas season. We gave up hosting any Christmas events several years ago. For several Christmases, we have done next to no decorating. It was never something that I had been actively involved with. My responsibility was the tree and in the past four or five years an additional tree in the front yard. Our area garden club sponsors an annual Christmas tree sale and encourages everyone to put a Christmas tree in our front yards near the street. Apart from that and a wreath, I don’t think we put up any decorations last year. I know we haven’t had a real tree for a while.

This year, I felt like I should take the lead and do a little more. First, I tried to convince Kate to help by locating our decorations and going with me to buy a few things. She wasn’t interested; so I took care of this myself. I bought a new wreath and put it on the front door. I bought some red bows and ribbons and attached them to some greenery and put one in each of the windows on the front of the house. Yesterday afternoon, I also put up the outdoor tree and the lights. I located a small artificial tabletop tree for a table in the family room. I found several hangers for the mantel. Now if I can only find the stockings, we’ll be set. Years ago, Kate had bought a 3-foot Santa that she has always placed in the family room. I have done that. This is only a tenth of what Kate used to do, but it is something, and we plan to enjoy the Christmas season. We would have done that anyway, but I am thinking this may be the last Christmas that Kate will be able to appreciate. I’d like it to look a little like Christmas.