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A Special Moment with a Dear Friend

Sometimes I wish I were a gifted writer. Now is one of those times. Bear with me as I try to explain why.

Kate and I have lots of good days, but yesterday was a day I would like to remember exactly as it happened. We got off to a good start. Kate was in a very good mood. She got up early enough that we could make our morning pilgrimage to Panera and then to lunch without having to rush. That worked out perfectly because I had arranged a trip to Nashville to see Ellen Seacrest, her closest long-term friend. She lived in Knoxville until suffering a stroke two and a half years ago. Since then she has spent time in rehab and two different assisted living facilities in Nashville. Following two seizures, she went back to assisted living but in the memory care section.

We have known Ellen and her husband, Gordon, since the early 70s when we lived in the same neighborhood in Knoxville. Our children grew up together and attended the same schools from pre-school through high school. We celebrated many special occasions with them including many New Year’s Eves. After Gordon’s death in 2013, Kate and Ellen spent much more time together. They lunched together. They shopped together. Ellen was unquestionably Kate’s closest friend. To this day, Ellen is the only person one than her brother, Ken, that Kate has told about her diagnosis.

When Ellen had a stroke in August 2015, Kate’s life changed dramatically. That left her with no close friends in Knoxville. I have not only played the role of husband but best friend as well, but it’s never really been the same. For a few months after Ellen’s stroke, we were unable to visit her but kept in touch through her daughter who lives in Nashville. As soon as she gave the word that Ellen was up for a visit, we went to see her. Since that time, I have tried to arrange a visit once a month. I wanted the two of them to maintain their relationship as well as they could.

While in Knoxville, Ellen was well-known in many circles. She is a musician who was employed by ETV as a program director and later TV producer. Her first program was a musical program for children. Many children grew up knowing her as the “Music Lady.” She was also a producer of many other ETV programs that did not involve music at all. Simultaneously, she was a very active member of her church and had directed the choir for almost 40 years before retiring a few years ago. She loved to entertain her friends, co-workers, and those she knew at church.

Try to imagine the impact of her having a stroke in Nashville and never returning home again. She was immediately removed from a host of people who could have been of great support to her during a very difficult time. The distance between Knoxville and Nashville as well as the ages of her best friends made it difficult for people to visit her. Besides us, I know of only one person and a couple who have visited her since she has been there. The visits of the others occurred only once. Ellen made a good recovery; however, her speech never returned to normal. That makes it challenging to carry on a conversation with her. That, too, may have discouraged others from seeing her.

We had the flu in late January. When we had fully recovered, I contacted Ellen’s daughter about our coming to see her. That is when we learned that Ellen had fallen breaking her hip, shoulder and elbow. Yesterday’s visit was our first in about seven weeks. She is still in rehab at a new place that is closer to her daughter who has been a devoted caregiver for her mother. She does this while holding down a challenging job with Bank of America and fulfilling her responsibilities as a single parent of two teenagers.

So we have two very close friends each of whom has experienced life-changing health issues, separated by geographical distance, and who haven’t seen each other since Ellen’s traumatic experience with her fall. Now they see each other for the first time in weeks.

I know Ellen’s daughter must have told her we were coming, but the look on her face suggested that she was floored that we had come to see her. Kate took her hand. They both had a teary moment as each expressed her pleasure in seeing the other. The sight of this reunion and what it meant to each of them caused my eyes to well up with tears as well.

About mid-way into our visit, I mentioned something about our not having attended the music club for a while. Ellen and Gordon had sponsored our membership years earlier. Then I told her about our having recently seen Tosca and La Boheme. That reminded me of Kate’s experience with music I had played for her this past week. I keep all my CDs on my phone and pulled it out of my pocket and played “Danny Boy”. That had been a special favorite of Ellen’s. When her son was about 10, he sang it at a piano recital at which he also played the piano. Once again, Kate’s eyes watered as did Ellen’s. I was teary myself. When it was over, I played “Shenandoah,” and “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.” We listened quietly as the music played. All of these are beautiful arrangements on an album by the Susquehanna Chorale. I knew they would be special for Ellen after her career in choral music. It was equally special for Kate. We will be back for other visits, but I suspect I will remember this particular for along time to come.

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Two Surprises Yesterday. One for Me, and One for Kate

Yesterday was another good one for Kate and me. She was up a little earlier than usual, and we spent almost two hours at Panera before having our customary lunch at Bluefish Grill. After lunch, I asked her if she would like to go directly home or stop by Barnes & Noble. I was pleasantly surprised when she said she wanted to go home. I say that because she hasn’t wanted to spend much time at home recently. It turned out that she was tired and wanted to rest a while.

After resting for almost two hours, she told me she was going outside to “pull leaves.” Again, I was surprised and very pleased. It has been weeks since she has worked outside. That is something that used to occupy most of her time during the day. More recently, the winter weather, our having the flu, and the fact that there are barely any remaining leaves on our shrubs has kept her inside. That hasn’t last long before she was ready to get out to Panera or Barnes & Noble. I had begun to wonder if, not when, she would pick up her yard work again. She was outside for a full hour before coming in. She was happy. As I have said before, working in the yard is her therapy.

The second surprise, this one for Kate, came next. She received a phone call from Meg Wright, a very close personal friend from Texas. She and I had exchanged emails a couple of days before to work out a good time for a call. When I mentioned to Kate that Meg was calling, she immediately recognized the name but asked, “Where do I know her from?” I told her they were old friends from Fort Worth and that she had been one of her bridesmaids in our wedding. She remembered that. I also conveyed to Meg that Kate would be weak on remembering any details of their past as she is with our children and grandchildren. I suggested that Meg might mention some of the old memories and that would help her remember.

As I expected, the phone call went very well. It wasn’t a long call, perhaps twenty minutes, but the impact was as great as if it had been an hour. By last night, I am sure she had forgotten all about the call, but it had been a moment of pleasure with a very dear friend from her past. Once again, she had had a very good day, and so had I.

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More Musical Moments

During the early days of our courtship and throughout our marriage music has played a significant role in our lives. It has been especially important to me. You might say it has been a form of therapy for me since Kate’s diagnosis. I keep music going almost all the time we are at home. Kate has loved live musical performances but she has only periodically expressed much appreciation for my recorded music. It appears that may be changing.

On the way home from lunch, I played an album by the Susquehanna Chorale. I had heard them at Chautauqua and bought several of their CDs. The I played includes Danny Boy, Loch Lomand, Shenandoah, Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, and Deep River, among others. She has always like this CD, and I have played it a good bit in the car. This time she seemed to be especially moved. She expressed how beautiful it was and was a little teary.

When we got home, we sat in our family room listening to music while she worked jigsaw puzzles on her iPad, and I worked on a blog post. Shortly, she put down her iPad and just listened. She started to get teary and talking about how much she enjoyed the music. When that album ended, I played my favorite album of Puccini arias. She continued to listen and enjoy. Her reaction seemed to be in between just getting teary and crying. She was very touched in a way I hadn’t observed before

Yesterday, we had a similar experience. The added surprise this time was that she remained in the family room for a full two hours. It’s been a long time since I have seen her remain in one place for so long. During that time, I was playing some very soft peaceful music. It didn’t engender the teary reaction of the previous day, but she was quite relaxed as she worked on her iPad.

We topped off the day by going to Casa Bella for jazz night. It is always good, and last night was no exception. She is relatively quiet but enjoys the people with whom we sit, and, of course, the music is the highlight. I am hopeful that we will be able to continue attending these musical nights for a good while.

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An Emotional, but Uplifting, End to Our Day

After our visit to Barnes & Noble yesterday, we went directly to dinner and then home. Kate’s bathrobe and extra shoes were still in the car at her feet on the passenger side. As she was getting out of the car, she used her hand signals to ask if she should leave the robe in the car. I told her I thought it would be better to take the robe and the shoes in the house.

Once inside she asked me if she should put on her night clothes. I told her that would be fine, that she could just relax until time for bed. She surprised me by putting on a night gown, something she has not been doing lately.

As usual, I turned on the PBS Newshour that I record each night and took my seat. Meanwhile, Kate picked up her iPad and sat in her chair to work jigsaw puzzles. When the news was over, I decided to put in a DVD with excerpts of her father’s home movies shot between 1932 and the mid-1940s. I had gotten it out to play for Kate a couple of days before, but she asked that I wait until later.

The original movies were filmed in 16 mm color, but, because of their age, the quality of the images had deteriorated significantly over time. One of Kate’s cousins who owned a photo shop in Fort Worth edited the film to make a 35-minute VHS tape when they were the latest way to store images. Then he invited Kate’s mother and father to his house where they were joined by one of Kate’s aunts to view the tape. During the viewing, he used a tape recorder to capture the comments made by these family members watching the movies for the first time in a number of years. Later he created a new video on which he dubbed the audio recording. Two or three years ago, I had that VHS video transferred to a DVD. That is what I played for Kate last night.

The video immediately captured her attention. She dropped the iPad to her side and watched the entire video from beginning to end. She was enraptured with the audio as well as the video. The voices of her mother and father along with her aunt and cousin came through clearly. It was exciting to hear Kate’s reactions. The film begins with her mother and father before they were married, events surrounding their marriage in Michigan, and her mother’s college graduation from TCU. From there it moved to Kate’s grandmother’s home where all the children and grandchildren gathered for lunch every Sunday after church. That was before Kate’s birth, but she saw lots of her cousins playing around the yard outside the family home. Of course, it included her grandmother and her aunts and uncles.

The final portion of the video focuses on Kate’s arrival in 1941 followed by her brother, Ken, in 1943. Although both of us have seen these movies on multiple occasions in the past, it’s been a while. I suspect Kate’s memory of them was very blurred. We both took interest in seeing her as an infant in her parents’ arms, playing in her crib, and playing with Ken and her cousins.

At the end of the video, Kate was in tears of joy. She kept commenting on it. She thanked me profusely for having played it. I can’t ever recall a time when she was so overcome with emotion. It was especially surprising to observe that she didn’t forget having seen the video right away. She sobbed off and on for about 45 minutes. She was still moved when she went to bed. I joined her, and she then did a repeat of the previous night. She talked a long time before going to sleep. She expressed her feelings about our marriage, our children, my getting to know her family before so many of them passed away, and overall how very fortunate we have been.

As much as I also enjoyed seeing the video, the most memorable part of the evening was knowing how much it meant to Kate. Priceless.

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Simple Pleasures

Recently, I have connected with a number of other caregivers on Twitter. Most of them are authors who have written about their experiences as caregivers. Others are people who are working to educate the public about the variety of issues surrounding Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.

It has been especially encouraging for me to discover how many other caregivers are able to find moments of pleasure in the midst of the changes that are ongoing for the ones they care for. It is not that everything is rosy or that no one has experienced frustrations and other challenges. It’s that there are always moments of pleasure as well.

It’s almost 2:30 p.m., and Kate and I have faced both the good moments and more challenging ones today. Her good mood from the very beginning of this day is sufficient to make me say it’s been a good day, but there is much more for which we are both grateful. It’s a cool, rainy day, and we are sitting in front of the fireplace in our family room, something we both enjoy but don’t take advantage of very often. Of course, I have music playing in the background. She is working puzzles on her iPad while I write this entry for my blog. All is well right now, and I am confident the rest of the day will be the same.

At the same time, we have had a few moments I would have preferred not to have experienced. Even though she’s been in a good mood, she has gotten irritated with me a few times. One of those was when she thought I was taking too long to get ready for Panera this morning. When we got in the car, instead of saying something like, “Give me a break. I’ve been waiting two hours for you to get up,” I said, “I guess I do keep you waiting sometimes.” She responded in a very forgiving way and said, “You don’t keep me waiting very often.” Her irritation was over.

Twice at lunch she asked me “Where are we?” I told her Knoxville. The second time I added, “Would you like to guess what state?” She quickly said, “Tennessee” and added, “See, I’m smarter than you think I am.” It saddens me when I see her unable to easily identify where we are when we are not traveling. Just a few months ago, this would not have been a problem.

When I ordered a kale salad at lunch, our server told me they were out of kale. I ordered another salad and asked if I could have a serving of brisket with it. As she walked away, Kate said, “What was that all about?” She hadn’t been able to follow our very brief and simply conversation. When I see instances of her being confused over normal things like this, I have a greater appreciation of her inability to understand what is happening in movies or plays. She is able to enjoy musical theater and opera because of the music itself even if she doesn’t have any idea of the plot or who are the primary characters.
I know all too well that in the long run that many of life’s current pleasures will not provide the same enjoyment they do now. For now, we live in the moment and are grateful.

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A Beautiful Morning

It’s cool, but sunny, this morning. I’ve had my morning walk and am back at home taking care of a few household chores. I’ve always liked mornings. It is so peaceful. That is especially true on the weekend. I didn’t see anyone else walking today. I saw only one runner. I was a little late to see any vestiges of the moon. Yesterday I got to see the full moon. That was a bonus.

I am in the kitchen which serves as my office. I have some soft piano music playing in the background. Kate is sleeping. This is wash day for me. I have one load in the dryer and another in the washer. I’ll soon be folding clothes while the music continues. I don’t think I had ever washed a load of clothes until about four years ago. I have found it to be one of the more pleasant household chores. That is especially true when combined with my love of the morning with my love for music.

Quiet mornings can be a time of reflection. Today I’m thinking about the past week. It has been a good one for Kate and me. It was punctuated by three musical highlights. Last Saturday it was the Live in HD at The Met’s performance of La Boheme. Thursday it was opera night at Casa Bella. And last night, we finished the last part of Turandot that we had started earlier in the week. We have seen it less often than some other operas, and Kate did not express a lot of enthusiasm the first night we watched. She got caught up in it last night and loved it. It’s been a good week for music, and I get an extra measure of happiness out of seeing her enthusiasm. Not many things elicit this same emotional response. I hope this continues for a long time.

Have a good day.

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A Great Night Out

As I begin to see changes in the number of things that Kate enjoys, I am especially encouraged when she continues to appreciate live musical performances. That was again the case last night at Casa Bella. The singers and the program were especially good. The evening got off to a good start when the first vocalist sang one of Puccini’s arias. It was the first time I recall seeing the audience stand up and applaud on the very first song of the evening. In fact, I have only seen an audience stand and applaud on a couple of other occasions. Kate, who right now wouldn’t even remember that we went out last night, loved it. That always makes me happy. The fact that we share the pleasure equally is a bonus.

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Music continues to be great therapy.

An hour ago, Kate and I left the latest Live in HD at The Met production, La Boheme. We have attended quite a number of these operas that are broadcast live in movie theaters around the world. While there is nothing like the experience of being at The Met, we find that these live performances on the large screen offer an even better experience of the opera itself.

La Boheme, of course, is an emotional opera. Given the outstanding camera work, it has quite an impact on the theater audience. On and off throughout the performance, Kate reached over and squeezed my hand. As she also does at many live productions, she also expressed a few audible “Wows.” The final death scene is always moving, but I find that I am more affected by such things since I know that Kate is on that same path.

I was just as taken by the opera as Kate, but the added treat for me was getting to see her express genuine enthusiasm. There aren’t many things nowadays that elicit this kind of response. The fact that she continues to enjoy musical productions makes me feel good and reinforces my hope that she will retain her feeling for music a lot longer. It’s been another great day, and my pleasure wasn’t tarnished at all when we left the theater and she asked me the name of the opera we had just seen. She had enjoyed herself even if she couldn’t remember it.

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The Magic of Music

For those who have been active readers of this blog, you will understand how important live performances (theatrical and musical) have been to Kate and me. During the past year, the appeal of movies has declined substantially for Kate. I hate that. For most of our marriage, they have been almost as important as seeing events on stage. I wonder if and when the same will occur for live performances. I feel optimistic that it will be a while, especially after last night.

It was Broadway night at Casa Bella. We shared our usual table with the parents of the woman who currently operates the restaurant and another couple with whom we have sat on several other occasions. It was a terrific social occasion with them, and the program was outstanding. In recognition of Valentine’s Day, the music featured love songs from the past like Irving Berlin’s “Always,”  “Moon River,” and “The Twelfth of Never.” Since the audience was made up largely of people in our generation, you know it was a happy crowd.

What makes the difference for me, of course, is how Kate responded. Once again, she loved it. She exclaimed, “Wow” after every piece with enthusiastic applause. We’ve been attending these musical evenings at Casa Bella for almost five years. She has loved every one. We always leave very happy as we did last night. It is wonderful to know that we have three nights like this every month.

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More Pleasure from Her Book

A couple of days ago I commented on the pleasure Kate had gotten over the discovery of a book that I thought had belonged to her mother, Birds of Wington. Since then it had remained on the floor board of the passenger’s side of the car. This afternoon we made a stop by the pharmacy to pick up a couple of things. Kate remained in the car while I went inside. When I returned, she was looking at the book again, just the way she had done the other day. It was like seeing it for the first time.

It is a cold, rainy day, and Kate has been coughing. I told her I would build a fire in the fireplace, and she could look at the book a little more if she wanted. She did. While she was brushing her teeth, I took a look at the title page and found a note her other had written. It said that it had been given to Kate on her 11th birthday from a friend and used for three months in church for Sunday school lessons. For the past 25 minutes, she has been going through the book from front to back. As she looked at it, she kept saying, “This is wonderful.” “This is priceless.” “ This is a treasure.” She tried, and did, read a few sentences to me though it was a struggle. She mostly picked out a few of the Chapter names. Several times she mentioned “Birds of the Bible,” one of the early chapters. Each time it was as though it were the first time. I know this would seem a little thing to many, but I take great pleasure in her pleasure. I’m sure many a caregiver can identify with that.