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Very Chatty in the Afternoon

Yesterday afternoon, Kate took a nap and slept almost two hours. I think she was catching up for lost sleep over the past few days. She was definitely wide awake when she got up. We decided to go to Panera. In the car she said something about being very independent. We didn’t get very far before she recanted and said, “Well, you do drive me places, and shop for groceries, and take me out to eat, and take me to far away places.” When she finished her list, she said, “And, I don’t even know your name.” I told her. Then she said, “I knew that. It just wouldn’t come to me.” I said, “That happens sometimes.” I was interested that this occurred without her showing any signs of concern, anxiety, or fear.

When we got out of the car, she asked, “Did you know my mother?” I told her I did. Then she said, “What is her name?” I told her her, and she said, “You got it.” Once inside, I opened my iPad to write another post about a conversation we had had at lunch. Before I wrote anything, she asked me how many children her father’s parents had. When I told her, she wanted to know who they were. I went down the list of the 8 children who had lived. The first died in infancy. She began to reflect on all her aunts and uncles. That began a conversation (with her doing most of the talking) that continued for almost fifty minutes. It was interesting because she really couldn’t remember any specific facts, but she could remember qualities about them, at least how she remembered them. My only part in the conversation was answering her questions and agreeing with her memories.

In the course of our conversation she periodically said, “That goes in the book.” This is a photo book that she started to work on 5-7 years ago. For a couple of years, she edited photos on her computer, but she never got around to assembling them into a book. About three years ago, she stopped using the computer. She never said, but I think it just got too difficult for her. Her intention to create the book never ceased and continues to this day.

This time she talked more earnestly about the book. She noted that she had said she was going to write the book before. Then she said, “This time I’m going to do it.” She paused a moment and added, “And you’re going to help me do it.” I know it will never happen, but I believe it is good for her to have something for which she can aspire.

We finished the day with an evening of jazz at Casa Bella. It was an especially good evening. The vocalist is a member of our church, and we saw several other church members there. Kate didn’t participate much in the conversation at our table, but she enjoyed the music.

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People Make a Difference

I have often mentioned the importance of our eating out as a way of minimizing the social isolation that is often a side effect of a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. That and our regular visits to Panera and Barnes & Noble go along way to keep us socially active. The beauty of these social encounters is that they are not lengthy ones that place any special demands on Kate. One might think of them as very superficial and unimportant, but I have found them of significant value. Yesterday, we had three that were especially nice.

The first occurred at Panera. As Kate was getting something from the drink dispenser, I put our things down at the table where we often sit. I was opening Kate’s iPad and the jigsaw puzzle app when I noticed a young woman with her laptop at another table. We exchanged “good morning” greetings. Then she told me that she had seen us a number of other times and was struck by what a loving couple we seemed to be. She had noticed my setting up Kate’s iPad, getting her a muffin, and helping her coming in and out of the restaurant. I thanked her and I told her that Kate and I have been married 55 years and about her Alzheimer’s. I hadn’t remembered seeing her before. It was a short encounter, but I was touched by her words and the way she expressed them. She probably doesn’t think did anything of importance. For me, it was an great way to start our day.

The second experience was having dinner with a couple with whom we have shared a table on several occasions at Casa Bella’s Broadway nights. They called on Monday and asked us to have dinner with them last night. Kate, of course, could not remember them, but I told her she would recognize them. Several times, before meeting them she had me repeat their names and try to remember them. It was impossible. It’s one of those times I try to imagine what it must be like for her, not remembering the names of anyone around her. It turned out to be a good evening. They are very easy to talk with, and Kate was not put on the spot in any way. They had remembered Kate’s drinking iced tea and brought her a box of tea to take home with her. We had a good time. I don’t believe they invited us thinking that they were doing something special for us. It was just a simple invitation for dinner, but it’s just one more uplifting social encounter.

We bumped into someone who stopped us on the way out. She had remembered me from my visits with Dad when he was in a nursing home. Her father sat at the table next to him. We often chatted, especially with her little boy. We talked with her family and her for about ten minutes. It turns out I have another connection to the woman’s husband. I had worked with his mother when her company was a client of mine quite a few years ago now. It’s been five years since I had seen her. She said her father, who was a good bit younger than my dad, is still there. It was another unanticipated encounter that was meaningful to me. Kate had not known the woman, so I know it didn’t mean much to her, but she enjoyed seeing her son. Children always brighten her day.

Once we were home, we watched a little of South Pacific. It was interesting to see that Kate was familiar with all of the music and some of the words. It was another good day and one that illustrates the power of both people and music.

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A Nice Day, But More Confusion

Kate surprised me by getting up early yesterday. She has always been slow to wake up, but I notice more confusion upon waking now. I walked in while she was brushing her teeth. Her first words to me were, “Who are you?” I gave her my name. Then she said, “What’s my name?” When I told her, she said, “You got it.” Then I wasn’t sure if she was just playing with me or if she really didn’t remember her name.

I think her confusion is why it takes her so long to get ready in the morning. Just taking a shower (usually short) and getting dressed sometimes takes over an hour. It often takes her longer to dry off after a shower than to take it. Since I am selecting her clothes, that doesn’t require much time except when she decides to wear something other than what I have chosen. The difficult part is getting the clothes on the right way. In the morning, I usually let her do that on her own. At night, however, I am usually with her when she undresses and puts on her night gown. It is not unusual for her to ask for my help. I see how challenging that is. That leads me to imagine greater difficulty getting fully dressed. I have started checking on her when she is getting dressed and ask if she would like my help. Sometimes she says she would. Most of the time, she likes me to leave her alone to take care of it.

Because Kate was up early, we got to Panera for the second day in a row. We were a little late, however, to see many people we know. Only two of the group from the Catholic church were there. They told us they had had a big crowd that morning.

At lunch, I said something that I wish I hadn’t. Our server asked us if we had done anything special during the week. At first, I said no. then I said, “Well, we watched Les Misérables for the seventh time in about seven weeks.” Kate was surprised. After the server left, she asked, “Did we really watch it seven times?” I told her we had. Then she said, “How could I forget that?” I said, “I don’t know.” Nothing more was said, and I saw no sign of any lingering concern on her part. I do wish I hadn’t said that. I don’t like to do anything that might cause her any additional anguish.

During our meal, Kate said she was tired. I thought that she might rest when we got home, but she didn’t. We spent the afternoon there. Late in the afternoon, we called our oldest grandson, Brian, who was 20 yesterday. Before we placed the call, Kate said, “I’ll just let you talk to him.” I don’t ever recall her saying anything like that before. I suspect it is another reflection of her insecurity. She is quite aware that her memory is poor. It does make conversation more difficult for her. We had a nice conversation with him and then talked with our granddaughter as well.

After the called ended, I asked if she would like to go to Barnes & Noble. She said, “What would we do there?” I told her she could work on her iPad. She didn’t want to go. Now that I reflect on it, I suspect she had forgotten that we normally go there to pass time in the afternoon. She seemed a little bored, and I thought it would be good to get out of the house. Instead we remained at home for another 45 minutes and then had an early dinner.

She wasn’t as chatty at dinner. She didn’t even ask my name or where we were. She was also little confused at home. She is clearly getting mixed up on the rooms and where she is to go. The previous night we had finished most of Les Miserables. I put it on and backed up about 45 minutes that we had watched earlier. Once again, she was enraptured right away. When it was over, we were off to bed. It was a little earlier than usual, but I thought that might help in getting her up this morning.

Just before 7:00 this morning, I heard her and went to the bedroom. She had just come out of the bathroom. I asked if she needed anything. She said she didn’t know. Then she said, “I think I’m supposed to go someplace.” I told her I couldn’t think of anything. She said, “I think it was to get my hair done.” I told her that wouldn’t be until next week and that it wasn’t yet 7:00, so she could rest a little more. About thirty minutes ago, I started some music. She hadn’t stirred, so I sat down on the bed. She looked up, and I told her I would like to take her to lunch. She said, “Okay.” I went back again at 10:35. She was awake but still in bed. I told her again that I would like to take her to lunch. She said she would like that. Then I said, “Of course, you would have to get up.” She said, “What will I wear?” I pointed to the clothes I had put on the chair beside her bed. I told her I had the shower all ready for her and pointed in the direction of our bathroom. She looked puzzled and said, “There?” I said yes. She didn’t look like she believed that was the bathroom. I told her to come with me, and I would show her. She got up and must now be in the shower. We’re running a little late, but we will make it. I’ll probably ask Anita to meet us at Panera.

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Last Night and This Morning

I was glad to see Kate get to bed a little earlier last night (9:00). That is something I am trying to encourage as a way of getting her to wake up earlier in the morning. I joined her about 45 minutes later. The other day, she told me the Russian choral music I like was beautiful. That and the fact that she was still awake led me to play that album as we went to sleep. It is very relaxing. I often play it while I meditate. I don’t know how long it was before we were asleep. I know that we only heard a portion of the album and that Kate mentioned several times how beautiful the music was.

This morning Kate gently opened my closet door where I was getting dressed. She was a bit groggy as she usually is when she gets up. She was looking for the bathroom. This is the first time I have been aware of her not remembering where the bathroom is. Of course, I am usually in the kitchen when she gets out of bed, so I wouldn’t know. Anyway, she was very confused. She was still dressed in her night gown but carrying the top she had worn yesterday. She said something about getting dressed. I told her it was still early (6:30) and that she might want to go back to bed after using the toilet.

I wondered how long she would sleep. It wasn’t long until I knew. She was up about 8:30. She had already taken her shower when I asked if I could help her. She told me I could get her something to wear. I put her clothes on the bed and showed her where they were and left her to get dressed. She was ready to go about 9:45 wearing exactly what I had picked out except for the shoes and socks. I considered that a small victory.

She has been in an unusually good humor this morning. As we drove away from the house, she said, “You’re a good guy. And you’re a good husband.” The she added, “What is your name?” When I told her, she said, “I knew that.” Then she asked my full name. I said, “Richard Lee Creighton.” She started to repeat it. Then she asked me to tell her again. When we arrived at Panera a few minutes later, she said, “Richard Lee Creighton.” She was beaming. We’re off to a good start.

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Kate and Music

Yesterday’s musical experience with Ellen had gone so well that after we got home last night, I turned on our TV to YouTube. I did a quick search of several other types of music videos we might enjoy with her or just for ourselves. I noticed a performance of Dvorak’s “Symphony from the New World” by the New York Philharmonic. I’ve loved it since I was introduced to it in our high school band and orchestra. I turned it on while Kate was working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. In a few minutes, I noticed that she had put the iPad down and was absorbed with the music. It was 43 minutes long, and she watched the entire performance and loved it.

I’ve often mentioned that music has played an important role in our marriage starting with our first date. I don’t believe I have ever said that Kate’s musical tastes have always been narrower than my own. She has always enjoyed some classical music, but it has been limited to a few familiar works. We have had season tickets to our local symphony since the late 1980s. She has always attended because I was drawn to the music. She was not. In recent years, she has been even less enthusiastic. I think we attended only one concert this past year. The primary reason is that she is often tired after dinner. Except for our music nights at Casa Bella that start at 6:00, we haven’t scheduled anything at night in a long time.

Given that she hasn’t enjoyed classical music as much as I do, I’ve been somewhat surprised and pleased that she now seems to enjoy a much broader range of music like the Dvorak symphony she watched/listened to last night. Even more surprising is her appreciation of some of my favorite sacred choral music. She has never liked what she refers to as my “monk” music. Just yesterday, I played an album of sacred music by a Russian choral group and asked how she liked it. She said, “It’s beautiful.” I couldn’t believe it.

I’ve begun to wonder why the change. Could it be that its because she has heard me play so much classical music over the years? That would be a reasonable guess and, perhaps, the correct answer. On the other hand, could it have something to do with her Alzheimer’s. Maybe she has become more dependent on music as she has lost her ability to engage in other types of pleasure like working in the yard or working on photo albums on her computer.

I don’t think I will ever know for sure, but I am inclined to think that our binging on music since her diagnosis has led to a greater appreciation of a broader range of musical genres. We’ve been attending opera night at Casa Bella for most of the time since her diagnosis. The same is true for attendance at both the Live in HD at the Met productions and live opera performances as well. In addition, as part of my own therapy, I play music virtually the entire time I am at home. Thus, she has been exposed to music more than ever before. To me, the “why” is not so important. It’s just something I wonder about. The best thing is that we are enjoying more music together than every before.

I should also add that she doesn’t like all music. She frequently comments about the music we hear in restaurants. She tends to prefer softer more melodic music. That includes a lot of older songs and ballads and songs from popular musicals. I am sensitive to these preferences in my own musical selections. It seems to work for both of us.

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Music Comes to the Rescue Again

About an hour before we went to bed last night, I played another portion of Fiddler on the Roof that we had started Sunday night. I thought about taking it out and going back to Les Miserables which has been a clear winner every time I have played it, but Fiddler has been her second favorite as well as mine. I am glad to say that she enjoyed it once again. This is the movie version in which Topol plays the part of Tevye. She really likes him and often expresses it in the different scenes in which he plays a central role. She also comments on particular songs, saying something like “Oh, I like this one.” It is always a pleasure to see her enjoying herself in this way.

It is interesting that she continues working on her iPad while watching. That is her typical way of watching all of the musicals except Les Miserables. Any time I put it on, she drops her iPad at the first sound of music and doesn’t pick it up again. I’m not entirely sure why she finds Les Miserables so gripping. Clearly, part of it is the music. Part of it is the acting. I think it is also the fact that this one is a concert and not the stage production. That puts greater emphasis directly on the music as well as the singers. There are lots of close up shots of the singers who are very expressive as they sing. Kate finds them very moving. Whatever the reasons, she is absorbed by this particular production. It has been good therapy, and I plan to continue using it.

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The Rest of Our Day

When we got home from lunch, we spent a couple of hours in our family room where I played three Rachmaninov piano concertos. Kate sat down to work on her iPad but was tired and decided to rest on the sofa instead. A little after 4:00, I began to be concerned that she might not be sleepy at bedtime. I asked if she would like to go to Barnes & Noble. She gladly accepted my offer.

She asked more questions in the car. She asked my name as well as those of her parents. Then she asked if we have children. After being seated at B&N, she asked, “Where are we?” At one point, she commented on how nice it was to have a place like this (B&N). She has said this once before. I’m not sure what prompted her to say this. She hasn’t said it about Panera or any other restaurant we visit.

From B&N we went to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant. We always get a coconut soup as a starter and then one entrée. We’ve been getting the same soup for a couple of years or more. Tonight she was completely blank on the soup. She didn’t remember it at all, but she liked it as always.

Upon returning home, we finished listening to a radio interview from a Lubbock station. Our son, Kevin, was interviewed about caregiving and his work as a geriatric care manager. We were both impressed with how well he did. It wasn’t long after that when he called, so we were able to give him our impressions. After Kevin’s call, Kate asked, “Exactly, where are we?” I told her we were in Knoxville, Tennessee. She said, “So we’re close to Fort Worth.” I told her we were a long way from there.

Kate was ready to retire to the bedroom, and it was time for my shower. Before leaving the family room, Kate pointed her finger toward the back of the house and wave her finger right and left and asked, “Which way?” I told her to the left. She started to turn right when I redirected her.

She worked on her iPad for a while but has now turned in for the night. I told her I would be right behind her. We’ve had another good day.

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Even in the most trying times, we still have special moments.

It is now 3:45. Earlier in the day, I wondered what the day might be like. I’m happy to report that it has gone very well. Because Kate was up early, we got to Panera for her muffin before having to leaving for my doctor’s office where I donated my bodily fluids in anticipation of my doctor’s appointment on Thursday. We were greeted warmly by our friends at Panera whom we had not seen in a couple of weeks or more. It started with the man who leads a Bible study group for a Baptist church. Then we had a brief chat with a friend who is a member of the group. After that it was a man I have mentioned several times before. He and his wife are part of a group of people from a nearby Catholic church who come regularly after morning mass. He had been asking everybody about us and if we were all right. Then as we walked out, the window washer greeted us and mentioned that people had been wondering where we had been. It was nice to have been missed.

On the way to the doctor’s office, Kate asked me my name multiple times as well as where we were. She didn’t, however, display any sadness over her difficulty remembering. (I am writing this at Barnes & Noble where she just asked my name.) That makes all the difference in the world in how I respond. I can more easily accept the loss of her memory than watching her experience the pain that periodically accompanies it.

From the doctor’s office, we went directly to lunch at Carla’s. Since that was my first opportunity to eat today, I did something I have wanted to do for quite a while. I ordered separate servings of their salted caramel gelato for each of us. (She just asked my name again.) We were both happy. Even more special than the dessert, however, was the time we had together. One time when she asked my name, I decided to remind her of some of the things we had done during our marriage. I started with some memories of Madison, Wisconsin, where I was a graduate student. I mentioned her job as a secretary in the English department, some of our closest friends, and the things we did. (She just asked my name again. This time she tried to repeat it but couldn’t. She asked again and couldn’t repeat it. The third time she got it and repeated it twice.) We spent the rest of our time talking about our experiences. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she had comments to make a long the way. Not being able to recall the details of the things I mentioned severely handicapped her ability to comment, but I was able to jog her memory at least in terms of a good feeling about our past together.

I wasn’t surprised that she was tired at lunch. After all, she had gotten up at least two hours earlier than usual. She said she wanted to take a nap when we got home. After brushing her teeth, she came into the family room and picked up her iPad. She lay down on the sofa. I already had some music playing. In the car, I had played a Willie Nelson album. She has always liked him, and she was particularly taken with his singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” I played it. Then I played another version by Don Shirley. She loved that one as well. That led me to try another song performed by different musicians. I selected “What A Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. I followed that with two other versions. Then I played the entire the entire album The Don Shirley Point of View.” This one is a personal favorite of mine. I enjoyed it even more knowing that she was enjoying it as much as I. When we came to the end of the album, I asked if she would like to go to Barnes & Noble where we are right now. We’ll be here another 45 minutes. Then we leave for our Tuesday night special at Bonefish Grill. It’s been a good day.

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Sunday Night

I am always glad to report good news. That is appropriate for last night. After dinner, I suggested that we watch some of Kate’s father’s family movies that I had recently transferred to DVDs. If she were in charge of the Academy awards, they would have won multiple Oscars. She loved seeing films even though they had deteriorated significantly before being transferred to VHS sometime in the 1980s. I always find them interesting myself. Although her grandparents on her father’s side were gone when I joined the family in 1963, I knew most of her aunts and uncles. It is always interesting to see them in their early days with their children whom I also knew. Now almost everyone in the films except for a Kate, her brother, one first cousin, and a few second cousins have passed on.

We watched for more than an hour before going to bed. The movies really brought Kate to life. She was quite talkative even after we were in bed. I was happy that they gave her a sense of connection to her family. As her memories fade, she feels so isolated. She is disconnected from everybody. The movies, like her “Big Sister” photo book restore that family connection even if it isn’t long lasting. I think I will see that we watch more of the films in the future.

In addition to talking about her family, she also talked about our marriage and our relationship. I won’t say anything more about that. I have said it before. Just know that it is something she comes back to regularly. I think some of that occurs because her world is shrinking, and I am becoming an even bigger part of it. I am grateful that she is so appreciative of the things I do for her. I was especially touched the other night when she was so confused. As I was trying to comfort her, she thanked me and said, “You are so kind.” Last night, she took a line from my page when she was talking about what a strong relationship we have. Then she said, “Even if I don’t know your name, I know you. A name is not that important.” Given that she has a hard time remembering things, I was struck by the way she fed back to me what I have told her about not remembering my name. I felt we had had a good day, and we had.

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A Welcomed Rebound

I always like to report good news. That’s especially true when we have experienced a few bumps the day before. In every instance of the bumps, we have moved on to the next day as though nothing had happened. That was true yesterday.

Kate slept late, so we went straight to lunch. She was in a good mood, and neither of us acted as though life hadn’t been perfect the night before. Because I went to a Rotary benefit last night, we didn’t have a sitter in the afternoon. That allowed Kate and me to spend the afternoon together. After lunch, we came back home where I turned on some music, and we relaxed in the family room. I picked out a number of things that I thought she would enjoy and was successful. I have been pleased that she not only seems to enjoy music even more than she has in the past, but she also seems to appreciate a somewhat wider range of music. She certainly expresses her pleasure both audibly and visibly. Among the music I played were two pieces from Handel’s Messiah, “Hallelujah” and “Worth is the Lamb, Amen.” I don’t ever recall her responding so passionately before. It is a special pleasure for me to see her so engaged in music that I love as well.

We spent about two hours and then went to Barnes & Noble for another hour and a half before returning home for me to get ready for my dinner. I suggested to Mary that she take Kate to get her usual Friday night pizza. I also set up the Les Miserables DVD in case they wanted to watch some of it. When I got home, I was pleased to see that they were both engrossed in it. This was the first time that Mary had seen it and liked it. For Kate, of course, it was like seeing it for the first time. When Mary left, Kate blew her a kiss and thanked her. She was in great spirits.

Since Kate was enjoying herself so much, we watched the remainder before going to bed. This is a three-hour production. Kate and I usually watch it in three nights. Last night, Kate had watched the entire DVD in a single sitting, and she was literally moved to tears of joy.

Music has always been special to me. Attending live musical performances has been a special part of our married life. It is only recently that she has developed such appreciation for recorded music. That makes me happy. I play it all the time. If I’m at home, the chances are pretty good that music is playing.