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Something New and Disturbing

A few minutes ago I left Kate in the bedroom working on her iPad while I went to the kitchen to check on something. As I left, I said, “I’m going to get ready for a shower in a few minutes.” When I came back, she had put the iPad on the ottoman of her chair and was watching the news on TV. She also had an angry look on her face. She said, “You told me to put that thing (the iPad) down and watch the news for a change.” I told her I hadn’t said that. She said, “Yes, you did. Don’t deny it.” I leaned down by chair and put my arm around her shoulder. I decided arguing wouldn’t get us anywhere. I told her I loved her and that she didn’t need to watch the news. She sat quietly fuming for a minute. Then she said, “I just get so tired of being so dependent on you. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without you. Here I am in my 70s and I’m treated like a child.” I repeated that I love her and told her I knew it was hard.” Then I asked if she would like to watch Golden Girls. She said, “I don’t care.” I turned off the news and now Golden Girls is playing. She is working on her iPad again.

Although she has talked any number of times about her not liking to be dependent on me, this is the first time she ever blamed me or took it out on me. I realize that she is likely to have forgotten this tomorrow, but I can’t help wondering if this signals a change in her outlook toward me. It comes just after a period of several days during which she has been unusually cheerful and cooperative. What a dramatic change she has made tonight.

The drama is now over. She just got up from her chair and said, “Well, Babe.” She didn’t sound angry at all. I asked if she were going to get something to wear to bed. She smiled and said she was. I told her I loved her, and she walked to her room. I hope she returns in the same state of mind in which she left.

Wow! This came at me from left field. To underscore how dramatic this was for me, this was the first time I have ever heard her express anger with me from the beginning of our marriage to now. She has expressed irritation frequently over the past few years, but this reaction was well beyond anything I have seen before. I am very glad that it has blown over and, hopefully, won’t return again.

When she returned from her room, she was just as pleasant as she has been for the past few days. It is as though the angry outburst never happened.

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More Signs of Change

Following yesterday’s eclipse, Kate and I went to Barnes & Noble. This was unusual in that she worked steadily on her iPad for more than 2 hours before leaving for dinner. Just before 6:00, I asked if she would like to go to dinner. She said, “In a few minutes.” I waited another 15 minutes. She still wasn’t ready. Finally, at nearly 6:30, I told her I thought it was time for us to go. That is very unusual. It is rare that she wants to stay in one place that long.

We went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. As we got out of the car, Kate said she wanted to find the restroom. We met the hostess at the front who told us the table at which she would seat us. Then I walked Kate to the restroom since it was not easily spotted from the entrance or where we were to be seated. When I showed her the door to the restroom, I started to turn around. I was going to wait at out table and keep my eyes out for her when she exited. She very quickly asked me to stay right there. That is the first time she has ever done that. That is another indication of her own realization that she can have a hard time finding me.

When we got home, she wanted to pull leaves. As she has been doing lately, she asked if she could. Then she asked where she could work. Later I called her to come inside as it was getting dark. After she was inside, she asked, “Are we going to stay here tonight?” When I said yes, she said, “That’s what I thought.” It’s been a while since she has done this, but it has occurred periodically over the past couple of years.

In a few minutes, she called to me. She was in the middle bathroom. She showed me the clippers in her hand and then put them under the towels in the closet by the sink and asked if that were all right. I hesitated. Then I told her I might forget where they are and to give them to me so that I could put them in the laundry room or in the garage where we usually kept them. She accepted my suggestion and gave them to me. She has been especially cooperative today.

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New Patterns

I have previously noted on several occasions that Kate will ask me if she can pull leaves outside as we approach the house after being away from home. This started as something only occasional. It is now becoming a regular pattern. Normally, she asks, “Can I pull some leaves?” After I tell her she can, she frequently asks, “Can I use the clippers?” Often she doesn’t say the word for clippers. She just closes and opens her right hand. I know what she means and tell her it’s all right. After that, usually as we have pulled in the driveway or garage, she says either, “Where can I start?” or “Where do you want me to start?” or just “Front or back.?” I sometimes tell her she can start anywhere she wants. Sometimes I know that we will be going out soon and don’t want her to get so hot that she needs a shower. In those cases, I sometimes suggest she choose a shady spot or even point out a shady spot if I see one. Having settled on where she will start doesn’t mean that is what she does because her memory doesn’t permit her to remember. She seems to gravitate mostly to the two flower beds along the driveway or the flower beds in the front of the house.

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Strange Behavior

Kate came in from outside a few minutes ago. She stopped about 12-15 feet in front of me with a puzzled look on her face and said, “Something’s going on.” Then she didn’t say anything. I stood up from the sofa and walked over to her. I tried to get her to explain. She struggled to find words. I asked if it involved somebody else. She didn’t answer. I asked if it involved her. (Something she said made me think that she was worried about herself or something about herself.) She said yes. I asked if she was afraid. She said yes. Then she said that maybe she just imagined it. I couldn’t get anything more. She was quite hot from having been outside. I asked if she wanted to cool off. She said she did and wanted to go get something to eat. We had just eaten about an hour earlier; so I knew she probably was not hungry. I also know from past experience that she sometimes says she wants something to eat or drink and then promptly forgets it. It did turn out, however, that she wanted to get out of the house.

On several afternoons when she has wanted to “get out of the house,” I have mentioned going to Barnes & Noble. In each instance, she has said no and reacted as though it had been a silly suggestion. That has led me to take her back to Panera. It is often hot in the afternoon there; so I was looking for another place. Figuring that she simply didn’t remember that B&N has a cafe and tables where we could camp out the way we do at Panera, I brought her to B&N without telling her where I was going. She never raised a question even upon arrival. We just got out of the car and walked in with our cups and iPads and my laptop. I picked out a table, and she sat down. I got each of us an iced tea. We have been here over an hour, and she hasn’t gotten up from her seat. She is still working puzzles on the iPad. I will come back again. It gives us a good alternative to Panera.

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More Signs of Decline

It’s too early to be sure, but it appears to me that Kate is going through one of those sharp declines I have heard other people talk about. I just hope this does not signal something more drastic than what I have observed this week.

Tonight we had dinner at Naples, a local Italian at which we eat once a week. I order chicken Parmesan for Kate one week and lasagna the next. Tonight it was the Parmesan. Right after we got in the car, she said, “They make a good pizza.” We’ve only ordered a pizza there one other time, and that was the first or second time we ate there about two years ago.

Before coming back to our bedroom this evening, Kate called from the kitchen. She wanted to know how to turn off the kitchen light over the island. This is the primary switch we use all the time. When I showed her the switch, she said, “I thought it was there; just didn’t know which switch.” In fairness, there are at least 6 switches, but this is the first time I have ever known of her confusion.

As usual, I feel sad for her and anxious for myself. I know that she doesn’t show any signs of frustration, but I still feel sad to see her losing so much of her ability to do everyday things. I feel anxiety thinking about how I will adjust to the future. I know I will adapt, but I fear the future right now.

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Symptoms of a Decline

Since my post the other day about the possibility of Kate’s experiencing a sharper decline than I have observed in the past, I have thought a little more about what it is that makes me feel that way. I obviously felt strong enough to start filling out a claim form for long-term care insurance, to call the insurance company for some answers, to contact an in-home agency, and sign a contract for services beginning in September.

My answer is this. It isn’t a single behavior that makes me feel this way. It is a combination of little ones. I do believe the pruning of our neighbor’s shrub was an important sign, but it is also expressed in more signs of confusion than usual. She has been acknowledging that she can’t remember things. She seems a little more childlike. She is regularly accepting my offer to get her night clothes for her. It is also the increasing problem with salivation and lack of concern for her appearance. I also noticed two other things yesterday. She spit on the carpet at Panera. When we came home, it was raining. She had several used paper napkins in her hand. She just threw them on the drive back of the garage.

I hope, of course, that I am wrong about getting a signal that she is on a steeper decline, but these signs make me thing she is.

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Something New

I went in the pool this afternoon and left Kate in our bedroom where she was working on her iPad. She told me she was going to take a nap. When I came in 40 minutes later, I didn’t see her in the bedroom and assumed she must have gone in her room for a nap, something that is not unusual.

After my shower, I went to her room to check on her. She wasn’t there. I went outside and didn’t see her. I came back in the house for another look. Still no sign of her. I went back outside. Coming back from the side of the house opposite from our driveway, I saw her on the other side of the driveway. When I got close, I could see that she was actually in the neighbor’s yard and was pulling leaves and branches off of a large shrub that is 7-8′ tall. She had removed all the leaves off of about a third of the shrub. I told her that was a shrub that belonged to the neighbors. She said she knew but that it needed trimming. She commented that now it looked better. When we got back from dinner, I called the neighbor who was very understanding as I expected she would be. We had a nice conversation. I told her I would try to see that it doesn’t happen again but that it could be hard to prevent unless I am outside with her all the time. Again, she was very understanding and said not to worry about it.

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Movies, A Thing of the Past?

For several months, I have observed that Kate has not enjoyed movies the way she used to. That has led me to try safer movies, those that I thought had the best chance of pleasing her. A good example of this was taking her to see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. She didn’t enjoy it.

Today we went to see Maudie. This is a movie without sex and violence or foul language. It is a love story about a woman with a physical handicap. To me, the personality of the woman suggested that she may have had mental challenges as well. She leaves her family to make her own life and takes a position as a live-in housekeeper for a man with his own personality problems and is a seller of fish and a variety of other things. They eventually fall in love and get married. Maud becomes an artist who is discovered by a journalist who brings her a bit of fame. Even after watching it, I felt that it contains many elements that would make it appealing to Kate.

As I always do, I wondered how Kate was reacting to the movie throughout. It is a slow-moving film. I knew that could be a problem, but I also thought it might make it easier to understand the plot. It was clear that did not happen. On the way home, she said she could not follow the film.

This was an emotional experience for me in two ways. First, the movie brings out a lot of emotions. I am sure there were others besides me who at the end had tears in their eyes. Second, I was so saddened to hear that she had not enjoyed a movie I had like so well and hoped she would enjoy that I simply choked up and had a hard time telling her that I liked it and why
For a while, I have been saying that it looks like we are coming to the end of movie watching, something that has been a significant part of our lives for a good part of our marriage, especially since we’ve become empty nesters. Today’s experience just reinforces my belief/fear. I am not giving up on movies entirely just yet, but I will continue to be very selective in the ones we see.

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Pulling Leaves, Plants and Strange Behavior

We are now approaching the middle of the summer, and we have not made a trip to Lowe’s for plants. Last year and the year before we were making such trips almost twice weekly. The last time Kate expressed an interest was during the winter. We went there but found they didn’t have much and said they would start getting things in late February. On several occasions, I have asked Kate if she would like to go. She has said with a groan, “Not now.” I have even suggested that she might want to put some plants in the pots beside the spa as well as some others for the patio and front porch. She has unenthusiastically agreed that it would be nice but has never picked up it so as to take action. I take this as a critical sign in the progression of her illness. It is equivalent to her giving up her computer (email, Facebook, and finally, her photobooks). Fortunately, she is still pulling leaves although our recent weather has meant that she comes in after being outside for a short time. It also means for showers and changes of clothes.

I have also made a change. I am no longer suggesting that she wear work clothes outside. I just let her wear whatever she has on when she decides to pull leaves.

I have mentioned several strange behaviors of Kate’s, but I don’t think I have mentioned that she has been taking paper napkins from the restaurants we frequent. At first, she was doing this to have them in the car when she might need something for her salivation problem. Now, however, she is tearing them up (along with the paper towels she has used in the house) and put them in a basket in the garage. It is similar to her collecting hickory nuts and putting them in the basket on our island. The big difference is that she is using the nuts as a decorative effect. I didn’t realize what she was doing at first. I thought she was tearing up napkins to put in her compost. When checked the compost, I didn’t find any. I do find an occasional Dr. Pepper can and yogurt containers as well as the tops of the containers. I haven’t asked her to explain why she is doing this. She wouldn’t remember. On at least two occasions, I have been walking out the door of the kitchen on the way to the car when she starts to take a yogurt container to the compost. In those instances, I have pointed out that they go in recycling and not the compost.

The combination of the increasing problems she is having with her puzzles on the iPad and the heat is that she seems to be more restless (behaviorally speaking). What I mean is that she spends a little time at Panera until her frustration pushes her to go home. Then she works outside for a little while until she gets hot. That is exactly what has happened this morning. We were at Panera for a little less than an hour between 9:00 and 10:00. We went home where she pulled leaves. She came in and took a shower. She came into the family room where I was writing this post for my journal and said, “Are you coming?” She was ready to go back to Panera. That is where we are right now. It is 11:19 a.m. I think we will just work a while on our devices until around noon when we will have lunch. Then I imagine we will go back home. I feel sure she will pull leaves a while until we are back here since we don’t have any other plans until 5:00 when we have a visitation for a former neighbor.

In the car on the way over here, she pointed to her cup that was sitting in the cupholder and motioned to me as a way of asking if it were all right for her to take a drink. When we parked at Panera, she did the same thing only this time she was asking if she should take her cup into Panera, something we do every time we come here.

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54th Anniversary

Kate and I returned from Asheville in time for lunch. When we got home, she immediately asked if she could pull leaves and use the clippers. She didn’t even come inside. She was out as long as she often is. I would say about an hour and a half. She came in and took a shower. She then announced that she was ready to go. I asked her where she would like to go. She didn’t know. I asked if she would like to stay at home a while and work on her iPad. She said yes and went to the bedroom where she stayed about 30 minutes.

While she was in the bedroom, I took my laptop to her and played a video of pictures from our 54 years. I had posted it on Facebook. She loved seeing the pictures. She indicated she was tired and asked if she could rest. I told her she could. Then she promptly came into the family room with her iPad. Before working on it, she lay down a few minutes and then went back to the bedroom. Then she asked if she could go to the front yard. I told her that would be fine. She has been out there about 45 minutes. She is happy.

The trip to Asheville is a bonus. Last year at this time, I never expected to be back this year. It was a good trip although Kate didn’t express much enthusiasm for anything except a chamber concert yesterday afternoon. I was quite surprised and pleased by that. Kate did enjoy being at the Haywood Park Hotel. It was clear that she did not remember it at all. She took it all in as though it were the first time there

I was somewhat uneasy at night. I am aware that she got up during the night when I did not hear her. To the best of my knowledge, she did not try to leave the room except the first night. The security latch prevented her from leaving. I heard her and got up and brought her back to bed. Each morning when she got up, she looked quite confused. I suspect I may see more of that this weekend when we are in Lubbock.

I continue to believe Kate is going through a transition to a much deeper stage in her illness. Time, of course, will tell. I am still planning on our going to Chautauqua in July. That is only 5 weeks away. I imagine things will be quite different there. I fear that she won’t be as interested in attending the lectures session as she usually is. In fact, last year she didn’t attend most of the afternoon lectures. I went alone. I am not sure about doing that this year. I am getting much less comfortable about leaving her alone.