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Travel Report

At the moment, Kate and I are sitting in a booth at Panera in Lubbock. We just came from I Fly where Kevin, Rachel, and their three children and I flew in their simulated sky diving experience. It was fun to do. Kate did not participate. She watched from outside the glass-enclosure where we “flew.” She went with us to the required training session before hand. She told the instructor that she had done it before. Of course, she hadn’t. It is just one of the many things she can get confused about.

Before our flights, we had gone to lunch where Kate had a turkey sandwich and a cookie. After we finished at I Fly, she said she was hungry; so I thought this would be a good place to pass some time.

We are meeting Kevin at his house at 4:30. From there we are going to the grandchildren’s swim meet. Last year about this same time, we attended a similar meet.

This trip has caused me to reflect a little more about Kate and her ability to travel. A year ago, I wasn’t sure that we would be able to come back to Lubbock at all. Neither did I believe we would make it back to Chautauqua. We are leaving for there in four weeks. I also have tentative arrangements for us to visit Fort Worth for homecoming in October. I am confident about our making the Chautauqua trip but less confident about the homecoming trip.

I think this trip has been hard on Kate. As I have noted a number of times before, I can’t imagine how she must feel not remembering so many people and not being able to remember any of the short-term things that are happening all around her. She was very tired last night when we finally got home from dinner around 9:30. She slept well and got up around 8:00. After breakfast, we went back to our room where she immediately got into bed. She remained there until 11:00. She seemed pretty tired since then although I don’t see any signs of that right now. She is working contentedly on her iPad.

While I have been checking email and responding, she has had several frustrating moments when she has hit a key that takes here out of her puzzle. One of those is the “Home” key that takes her to Siri. The other is a button that gives her the option to buy more puzzles. These are not new occurrences. They happen occasionally all the time. I just fear that they are a signal that she is on the way to losing her ability to do one of the things that occupies her the most. It is the iPad and her yard from which she derives the greatest pleasure. I hate to see her lose these two with nothing left to replace them.

It would not be surprising then that I am feeling a sense of sadness and a bit of anxiety about the future. For the first time, I am really facing Alzheimer’s in the way that people imagine. It is not coming as a surprise. It is just that the reality is more dramatic than the knowledge that it will be here one day.

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More Short-Term Memory Issues in Texas

This afternoon we attended our grandson’s high school graduation. First, we all had lunch at a “Texas” kind of place. They specialize in hamburgers but have a variety of other items like Mexican food. We joked with Brian about calling attention to him during the meal. This is because he doesn’t like attention and doesn’t want to be recognized publicly as a graduate or for that matter any other time like on a birthday. Before we left, his parents had him put on his robe and go outside for a picture. Then we went to the graduation. As we were walking out, she said, “Why did we go to this thing?” She hadn’t remembered at all that we were there for the graduation.

Then on the way back home, I told her than we would go back to the hotel and relax for about an hour. Then we would have dinner. I told her we would not go back to Kevin’s after dinner. She said, “Kevin’s?” I said, “You don’t remember where we are, do you?” She said, “No.” Again, it makes me so sad when I am hit with this even when I know she doesn’t remember.

I am also wondering how much our trip to Asheville that was followed only two days later with this trip to Lubbock may have compounded her memory problems if at all. I wonder whether she will recover any during the time we are home before going to Chautauqua, only four weeks from this Saturday.

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Nice Family Time

Kevin had asked last night if he might come to our hotel and visit us at 9:30 this morning. I, of course, said yes. He just left. Jesse and Greg are staying at the same hotel; so Jesse joined us for almost an hour before Greg came down. It was a very pleasant visit among the five of us. Kate made only a few comments. Those were mostly in reaction to a comment I had made about people our age who are together only a few minutes before they talk about all the prescriptions they are taking or the ailments they are experiencing. It appeared that Kate felt I was making a statement about her because she said that she never did that. She went on to say that she didn’t have to take much medication. I simply agreed with her and nothing more was said.

As we went back to the room after Kevin left and Jesse went back to her room, I said something to Kate about how nice it was to spend that time with Jesse and Kevin. I also noted how nice it was to see them interacting as adults. She didn’t respond in any way. She simply looked weary. When we got back to the room, she asked if she could rest a while. I told her she could. She is in bed right now.

Yesterday while we were at Kevin and Rachel’s house, she said hardly a word. The same is true at TopGolf where we spent about two hours. It is clear that she is beginning to enter her own world. That saddens me greatly.

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Our Trip to Lubbock: Part 1

Getting ready for and traveling to Lubbock has provided me with additional information on Kate’s condition. It is amazing how much I can overlook until something special happens to alert me. In this case, I am specifically talking about Kate’s loss of short-term memory. This is a term I have used for a long time in this journal, perhaps several years. In each instance, I have used it to convey that she forgets things quickly. Looking back, I can see that the same words (short-term memory) do not communicate the same set of events. What I thought was short-term memory then I now think of us “medium-term” memory. Let me describe what short-term memory was like as we prepared for and left on this trip.

For months, I have been telling Kate that we would be going to Lubbock for our oldest grandson’s high school graduation. During the week or so before our departure this past Friday (today is Monday), I frequently reminded her that we would leave in one week (4 days, 1 day, etc.) for Lubbock. Usually I mentioned that we were going for Brian’s high school graduation. Sometimes I didn’t. In those cases, she would express surprise that we were going. Then I would remind her of the graduation.

Friday morning when she woke up, I reminded her that we were going to Lubbock for the graduation. Throughout the morning as we prepared to leave she forgot that we were going. As we walked from the car to the terminal in Knoxville, I said something about her being very trusting of me, that she probably didn’t know where we were going. I asked if she would like me to tell her. I did, and she expressed surprise.

A few minutes before we touched down in Lubbock, I told her that we were coming in 25 minutes ahead of schedule. She asked, “Tell me again where we are going?” I told her once again. For me, this was a dramatic example of her having essentially no short-term memory at all. I have heard other people talk about this, but this is the first time I have really understood how much memory she has lost.

Once here, she has been surprised that Jesse is also here although I have been telling her that as well.

Traveling itself presents its own problems. We arrived at the airport early enough to get a bite to eat before our noon flight. Kate stood beside and slightly behind me as we ordered our food. After I had paid, I turned to hand Kate her food and noticed that she was gone. I looked all around and couldn’t see her. I took our food to a nearby table and then started looking around the area. I decided that she must have gone to the restroom. As I was looking, the woman from whom I bought our food mentioned that she might be in the restroom. I told her I thought that might be the case, but that she has Alzheimer’s, and I was concerned that she would not be able to find her way back. I was very alarmed as we were in a small area; so she couldn’t go far unless she went completely back to the main terminal area. I told the woman what Kate was wearing. In a few minutes, the woman had found Kate wandering around.

This incident is just another reminder of how quickly she can get away. In the Atlanta airport, we almost had another one. We were waiting in line to give our boarding passes to the attendant at the gate before they started boarding. When the line started to move forward, I saw Kate turn around and walk away in the other direction. She had apparently gotten tired of standing in line and simply wanted to move around. The problem is that without any short-term memory, she won’t remember to come back or where to come back to. Fortunately, I was able to call her. She came back and all everything was fine.

I am beginning to feel less comfortable letting her go to restrooms. I am now reluctant to leave her alone while I go to the men’s room. This was not a problem on this trip. I did feel all right going to the restroom at Panera in Knoxville before leaving for the airport. Then I was able to go on the plane, something that she rarely does. We have two other planned trips, one to Chautauqua in July and the second to Fort Worth for our 55th TCU class reunion in October. I wonder how I will feel about traveling when the time comes.

Our first full day in Lubbock

We had a good first day in Lubbock yesterday. I slept until 6:30 which enabled me to get to the breakfast shortly after it opened at 7:00. This is the first time that I have brought breakfast back to the room instead of eating in the breakfast room. I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving her.

We are at breakfast on Monday morning. I told Kate that I had just received a text from Kevin. She said, “Kevin?” I said, “Are you surprised?” She said, “Well, yes.” I didn’t say anything more. I sent Kevin a text telling him where we are. He sent a reply, and I mentioned it to Kate. She said, “Where are we?” I told her Lubbock and that we are here for Brian’s high school graduation.

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More Confusion, Strange Behavior

Periodically, I have mentioned Kate’s confusion. I don’t know if I have mentioned her confusion regarding recycling and composting. For a number of months she has been putting Dr. Pepper cans and yogurt containers in her compost. I have been picking them up and putting them in the recycling bin. Something else that she has started doing is tearing up paper napkins that she is bring home from restaurants. When we get home, she throws them in a basket in the garage. The funny thing is that before I noticed what she is doing, I thought she was taking the extra napkins home because she likes to have them in the car. I have kept a supply of those in the car for a long time. It has become more relevant now that she has the salivation problem. She is almost always in need of paper products to wipe away the saliva.

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54th Anniversary

Kate and I returned from Asheville in time for lunch. When we got home, she immediately asked if she could pull leaves and use the clippers. She didn’t even come inside. She was out as long as she often is. I would say about an hour and a half. She came in and took a shower. She then announced that she was ready to go. I asked her where she would like to go. She didn’t know. I asked if she would like to stay at home a while and work on her iPad. She said yes and went to the bedroom where she stayed about 30 minutes.

While she was in the bedroom, I took my laptop to her and played a video of pictures from our 54 years. I had posted it on Facebook. She loved seeing the pictures. She indicated she was tired and asked if she could rest. I told her she could. Then she promptly came into the family room with her iPad. Before working on it, she lay down a few minutes and then went back to the bedroom. Then she asked if she could go to the front yard. I told her that would be fine. She has been out there about 45 minutes. She is happy.

The trip to Asheville is a bonus. Last year at this time, I never expected to be back this year. It was a good trip although Kate didn’t express much enthusiasm for anything except a chamber concert yesterday afternoon. I was quite surprised and pleased by that. Kate did enjoy being at the Haywood Park Hotel. It was clear that she did not remember it at all. She took it all in as though it were the first time there

I was somewhat uneasy at night. I am aware that she got up during the night when I did not hear her. To the best of my knowledge, she did not try to leave the room except the first night. The security latch prevented her from leaving. I heard her and got up and brought her back to bed. Each morning when she got up, she looked quite confused. I suspect I may see more of that this weekend when we are in Lubbock.

I continue to believe Kate is going through a transition to a much deeper stage in her illness. Time, of course, will tell. I am still planning on our going to Chautauqua in July. That is only 5 weeks away. I imagine things will be quite different there. I fear that she won’t be as interested in attending the lectures session as she usually is. In fact, last year she didn’t attend most of the afternoon lectures. I went alone. I am not sure about doing that this year. I am getting much less comfortable about leaving her alone.

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Good News

After the past couple of days I was a little concerned about how Kate would respond to the Chamber concert today. As it turns out, she loved it. We had seats on the third row in the center of the orchestra. The artistic director is outstanding. His humor and enthusiasm bring a lot of life to something that many people consider a drag. What is even more surprising is that the first two pieces (out of a total of only three) the group played were contemporary pieces with all the characteristics that are implied by “contemporary.” If we had been listening on the radio, we would have quickly changed stations. As it was, we were both engaged. I think we were heavily influenced by the opening commentary about the pieces as well as being so close to the performers who were outstanding. It was truly an excellent performance.

An interesting sidelight is a story told by the percussionist. Among the instruments he played today was the vibraphone. He said that when the group had their first rehearsal last week, he was surprised at the sight of the vibraphone. When he examined it further, he discovered it was the very same instrument on which he took his first lesson on the vibraphone many years earlier.

Let me also take a moment to repeat something I have said before but seems like it is becoming a stronger habit, Kate’s asking my permission to do things. About thirty minutes ago, Kate asked me if she could close her eyes (that rest) for a few minutes. I told her that would be fine. Shortly thereafter, she got up and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returned to the room, she asked if she could use her iPad. As always, I told her that would be fine. I do realize that by telling her that it is all right may reinforce her emerging habit. I do, however, sometimes say they she doesn’t need my permission. In this case, I did tell her that I didn’t want her to think I want to control everything she does.

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Thinking About the Future

Since Kate’s diagnosis 6 years and 4 months ago, I have contemplated the future and what life would be like. At that point, I never imagined that we would be able to do and enjoy life so much. Today I am beginning to see more clearly that time when we won’t be able to do so much. In fact, that time is really upon us.

The first time I can recollect feeling that way was on our Caribbean cruise in January 2016. I had signed up for that cruise as a test to see how Kate would do before committing to a longer Mediterranean cruise in May of that year. I discovered that Kate did not seem to enjoy the cruise. As I recall, she didn’t attend but one night of the entertainment after dinner. That is something she has always enjoyed in the past. I think she also found it challenging to be with different people at dinner each night. Fortunately, she continued to get along well once we were home. I cancelled the Mediterranean cruise reservations.

Over the past six months or so, I have noticed, and expressed in this journal, that she seems to be getting less pleasure from movies than she did in the past. There have been notable exceptions. For example, she loved Hidden Figures that was about the team of African American women mathematicians working in the US space program. More recently, she has been getting less out of other types of performances. I was really disappointed when we had to walk out of Der Rosenkavalier starring Rene Fleming this past Saturday and another local theater performance a day later.

We are in Asheville to celebrate our 54th anniversary. I have kept our schedule to a minimum. We’ve only had tickets to one event each of the three days we are here. As I mentioned earlier, we ended up not attending a concert yesterday. It turns out that we have spent our time mostly in the hotel and eating several nice meals. Even that has been rewarding for me. I think it is clearly less rewarding for Kate. I have the feeling that she would be happier at home where she could work in the yard in addition to her iPad.

At this moment, she seems contented. About 15 minutes ago, she was getting tired of sitting in the lobby after breakfast working on her iPad. I asked if she would like to go back to the room. She said she would. As we approached the room, we saw that the maids were about to go in and clean up. We told them to go ahead. We came back to the lobby where we are sitting on a sofa. It is rather comfortable. We have reservations for lunch at 11:30. Following lunch, we are attending a chamber concert. Then we will come back to the hotel to pass more time before dinner this evening at a restaurant that is very near the hotel.

We leave for home in the morning. I would like to have lunch first and then go home. We’ll see what happens. It probably depends on how early Kate is up as well as how eager she is to be home. The last time we were here (September), we ended up going home after breakfast and eating lunch in Knoxville. I suspect that is what we will do this time.

We leave for Texas on Saturday. I hope that the travel this week does not cause added confusion while we are there.

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In Asheville

This year I have planned an unusually leisurely few days while in Asheville. A year ago, I had done somewhat the same. At that time I was not expecting to be here this year. We are fortunate this has worked out. I have great difficulty imagining, however, that we will return next year. As I have noted in other posts, I believe she is feeling further detached from all that is going on around her. That makes the total experience for both of us less rewarding than it has been in the past. On the other hand, we are able to enjoy meals out and catch a few performances. I enjoyed Waiting for Godot yesterday. Although Kate did not feel the same way (She said, ”This was not my kind of play.”), she never seemed bored as she sometimes does; so I feel it worked out.

This morning I noticed that the door to our room was not fully closed. It appeared that she had tried to open the door and was stopped by the security latch that I had engaged last night. One of the things that scares me a bit is the possibility of her leaving the room at night without my hearing her. I don’t believe she can operate the security latch. At the same time, I never know; so traveling like this has a few extra stressful times.

We are both enjoying being back at the Haywood Park Hotel. As we walked up to the front desk, the woman on duty recognized us and greeted us by name.

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Thoughts in the night

Kate and I are in Asheville at the Haywood Park Hotel where we are celebrating our 54th anniversary . We drove in yesterday about 11:30 and had a nice lunch. Then we came back to the room for a couple of hours before taking a stroll around the downtown area where we visited a couple of bookstores.

It is 3:00 a.m. I woke up almost 45 minutes ago and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I had forgotten to leave a light on before going to bed last night. I got up and turned the light on in the bathroom. That gave me quite a jolt imagining how Kate would have felt if she had waked up in a strange dark room.

It’s not that there have been any dramatic changes in her condition, but she continues to decline little by little. She has displayed more signs of confusion lately. Each time she does something unusual it reminds me that even I begin to believe she is doing better than she is.

This is not the first time that I have waked up in the middle of the night and let my thoughts wander thinking about her and how we will handle the future. I have something of a panicked feeling thinking about leaving her alone when I go to various meetings. I really need to make contact with an in-home service soon. I still plan to utilize the services of our housekeeper at the start. Recently I asked her to come on a Monday when I had a Rotary meeting. She has two Mondays a month when she could do this for me. That is the only regular meeting that I feel I must continue. I can skirt around the others for church, United Way, and the foundation.

I am going to stop now. I will continue my thoughts tomorrow. Right now I want to try to get some sleep.