In my previous post, I used an experience in a support group as a springboard to talk about the value of partnering with the person receiving care. In that same group, the facilitator asked us how often we tell our care receivers we love them. Although time ran out before we could fully address the question, I thought it also plays an important role in caregiving, especially in a strong partnership with a family member.
By itself, partnering can be interpreted as a mechanical agreement to work together without any special emotional attachment. Caregiving, for example, can involve many skills that can be taught or learned through previous experiences. I’ve observed that with all of Kate’s caregivers past and present. They’ve completed training to receive their professional credentials and almost all of them have had more than ten years of work experience. Their knowledge of how to perform many aspects of caregiving far exceeds what I know, but there is much more to caregiving than knowing how to perform the basic skills. The best caregivers are able to develop an emotional connection with those receiving their care.
Despite that, I think that the expression of love is something most likely to be found among close relatives. I am thinking especially of spouses and children of people living with dementia. Therein lies a valuable asset that paid caregivers may not normally possess or come by easily. I should be quick to say that even close family members sometimes find that love can weaken with the challenges they face.
I have to admit that I am heavily influenced by my personal experience with Kate who has the very best of care from her medical professionals and paid caregivers; however, I think they don’t communicate “I love you,” “You matter to me,” and “You’re someone special.” Those expressions of love come from me, and I believe they are very important in reinforcing the strength of our relationship as well as Kate’s sense of self-worth.
This should not be a surprising observation. After all, when two people fall in love, each recognizes a sense of love that is different than the love we have for other people. I’m not suggesting that love cannot be equally strong for a parent, sibling, or other family member though I believe the intensity of this emotion is generally different than that of the love for a spouse.
I suspect there are family caregivers who feel at a loss to provide care for their loved ones, but so long as love lasts, they possess an asset that few paid professionals can achieve. Coupling that with the skills of professionals makes for a winning combination.
Let me close by returning to the question asked by our support group’s facilitator: How often do you tell your spouse you love them? My answer is quite often. I begin each day by telling Kate how glad I am to see her. When she is smiling, I tell her how much I like her smile and that she has her mother’s smile. I bend my head close to hers and look straight in her eyes and tell her I love her and that she is the most special person to me in the whole world. I don’t bombard her with all this in “one shot,” but I do so in a relatively short period of time.
At various points during the day, I remind her of my love for her. When I turn out the lights at night, I move close to her in bed and thank her for a nice day. Then I say, “Every day is a special day when I am with you. I love you.” I can’t say that I was anywhere near as expressive of my love for her before Alzheimer’s, but, especially at this point, I believe it is important for her to know that she is loved. She is unlikely to pick that up from anyone else except from our children whose opportunities are limited by the fact that they live out of state.
Until this very moment, I hadn’t thought about my “Caregiver’s Toolbox,” something I’ve mentioned in other posts, but it seems to me that expressions of love from one family member to another is, perhaps, the most valuable tool of all. I know it’s the one I use most. It pays great dividends.
