Feeling Insecure

It has been a year and four months since I first got a sitter to be with Kate for four hours three days a week. I put off making the decision to do this a long time. I was concerned about how Kate would respond. It seemed to me that she felt pretty secure that she could take care of herself and, thus, didn’t need someone to stay with her. When I told her minutes before the sitter’s first visit, she asked me why the person was coming. I told her I would feel more comfortable not leaving her alone. She said, “Oh, okay.” That was it. With only a few exceptions, she has not seemed to mind having a sitter since then. Yesterday was one of those.

I had tried gently to wake her in time for her to shower and dress before the sitter arrived. I didn’t push because I have learned that if she didn’t want to get up, Valorie could take care of helping her. At 11:15, she asked if she could stay in bed a little longer. I told her that was all right.

When Valorie arrived, I went back to the bedroom and told Kate that she was here and that I was going to the Y. She gave me a disapproving look but didn’t say anything. Valorie walked in the room to say hello, and I said my goodbyes.

When I returned four hours later, they were both seated in the family room. Kate was resting with her eyes closed. She didn’t show any sign that she was glad to see me. Valorie got up to leave and said goodbye. Kate didn’t say anything. As I walked Valorie to the door, she told me that she had helped Kate get to the shower and dressed. She said that twice Kate was very abrupt with her and said something like, “I can do that myself.” Valorie said when that happened, she backed off and let Kate do it on her own.

I could easily envision what happened. I told Valorie she is sometimes the same way with me. In this particular case, I believe Kate might have been more demonstrative than usual because she was bothered by my having left her. After Valorie was gone, I went back to Kate and told her I was glad to see her. She said, “I’m glad to see you too.” Her tone of voice led me to translate that to “Boy, am I glad you are here.” We didn’t say anything more at that time.

Later as we were going to dinner, I said, “I really enjoy being with you.” With some emotion she said, “I enjoy being with you too. <pause> I feel comfortable with you. I feel secure that you won’t let anything happen to me. I feel safe.” This is not the first or the second time she has said things like this. I don’t think she is afraid of being the object of an aggressive act by someone. I know that most (almost all) of the time she is unsure of where she is and what is going on around her. I am the constant helpmate for her. She has a feeling of complete trust. When I am not with her, she loses that sense of security. I believe that is especially true when she has a sitter with whom she has spent considerably less time than she has with me.

I have two emotional reactions to the situation. I feel like having a sitter less often. This is a case in which I will let my head take charge over the emotion. In the long run, I am going to need more help from sitters, not less. I think this is just a rough spot in the road. It isn’t one that should alter my overall plan.

The other emotion is a feeling of responsibility. I feel she needs me more now than ever. I want to make sure that the rest of her life is as smooth as it can be. That feeling was reinforced by a brief conversation we had last night.

We went to dinner with a couple we know from our music nights at Casa Bella. We ate at a new German restaurant near their house. We had never been there before, and I believe Kate was a bit uneasy. We got a durprise when we walked in. There is a bell connected to the door of the entrance. It has a surprisingly loud ring each time the door is opened. Kate is very sensitive to noises. (I scared her the other day when I turned on the faucet in the laundry. The sudden noise of the water frightened her.) The bell shook her momentarily. The menu items were very different. She initially tried to read the menu but quickly gave up. She had trouble following our conversation and had to ask questions to help her understand. She often asks me to slow down when I am talking to her. Following three other people, each of whom is a talker, is an impossibility. I really felt for her.

When we got in the car to go home, she said, “Richard, (yes, she remembered my name) I don’t understand what is happening. I’m so confused.” I asked if she could explain a little more. She couldn’t. I told her I wanted to help in any way I could. I reminded her of our wedding vows, specifically the part about “sickness and in health.” I told her I would always be with her. She said she understood that and has never doubted it. I realize, of course, that we attach different meanings to that. I know where we are headed. She doesn’t, but she does know she can count on me. I intend to honor that promise.

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