Today, the 105th anniversary of my dad’s birth, I am thinking a lot about him. He was a character. Everyone who knew him recognized that. He enjoyed life and invited others to join him. People, especially Kate, tell me I talk a lot, but I had a hard time keeping up with him. He was also a man with a sense of humor that sometimes fell outside the customary boundaries of propriety. Until his stroke in 2010, he was quite active on email. He was one of those who regularly sent jokes to his distribution list. I wasn’t on his list, but several of my female colleagues at the office were. I also learned that his Kiwanis club asked him to be more sensitive concerning jokes about sex and politics.
It isn’t his talkative nature or his sense of humor that I am thinking about most on this day. He was also a devoted husband to my mother. My mother loved to tell about seeing him for the first time in the ninth grade. She said, “Right then, I knew I was going to marry him.” She was right. They married right after high school when she was 17 and he was 18. After Dad’s death, my brother found a batch of old letters. Among them was an Easter card from my mother that she must have given him in the mid-1990s when she was around 80 and before dementia changed her life. She wrote a note that said, “From the first time I ever laid eyes on you, I have loved you – and I will love you forever.”
Mom and Dad were married 70 years and devoted to each other. That is what I’m thinking about today. Mom cared for him a lot until dementia entered the picture. At that point, Dad rose to the occasion and became her loving caregiver. They moved to Knoxville on Memorial Day weekend 1994. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I am sure now that she was in the early stages of dementia when they arrived. Although I was with them a good bit, it was three or four years later when I realized that. She died in November 2002.
Dad was her sole caregiver right up until her death. She slept in the same bed with him until three days before she died when hospice brought in a hospital bed and put it right beside their bed. My brother, Larry, and I tried to bring in help without success. The only regular help he had was an adult day care center. Every Wednesday morning he dropped her off. Then he went to Kiwanis and did a little grocery shopping. I helped by visiting with them regularly and bringing in meals.
Although Dad was a big talker, I don’t recall his saying much about what was going on. I do remember his telling me that she would get upset with him and then quickly forget. I also remember that he tied one end of a string around her arm and another around his so that he would wake up if she started to get up during the night. I never heard the first word of frustration or complaint. On days when I took them places, I rolled her to the car in her wheel chair. To get there we had to roll across the grass. That adds a measure of difficulty. When I would fold the chair and put it in the trunk, I wondered how Dad, in his upper 80s at the time, could do this on a regular basis.
So, on this 105th anniversary of his birth, I have a new admiration for Dad. At the time, I had no idea what he and my mom were experiencing, nor did I know that I would be walking the same pathway a few years later. Now, I understand his desire not to relinquish her care to someone else. He felt he was the one who knew her best and could provide the best care for her. That took a toll on him the last year or two of her life. Fortunately, he bounced back after her death and lived another 11 years to celebrate his 100th birthday. He was quite a guy.
