Still Believing No One Knows

Last night Kate and I sat in front of the fire and just relaxed. It was one of those rare times that she has spoken about her AD. We talked as we have before about how well we have gotten along since her diagnosis. I told her I thought the past 4 years had been the best of our marriage. She hesitated and didn’t quite agree. She preferred to say that we have gotten progressively better with the passage of time. A little later he did acknowledge that the past 4 years have been especially good ones for us.

In the discussion she said something she has mentioned before that no one knows about her condition except Ellen, Ken, and Virginia. She even noted that no one would suspect. Quite naturally, I do not dispute this notion. This is the way she wants it. I want to support to the extent I am able. When she says these things, I must admit to a tinge of guilt for having told our children and even more for telling special friends like the Greeleys and Robinsons or my staff.

Perhaps because I know that Kate’s PEO chapter is aware and that another friend told me he had heard about Kate, I am becoming to suspect that others at our church might have an idea. The other day someone asked me if Kate is with me on most Sundays. I have told her before that Kate is in the library. Sometimes she asks if Kate is in the library. This morning someone else asked me how Kate is. I may be especially sensitive now, but I wondered if she might know. Several other people ask about her, but all of the inquiries could be just normal interest. One day, however, I know that it will occur because they are aware.

I have awakened in the middle of the night several times in the past few nights. I have managed to get back to sleep, but it is has taken more time than I have been accustomed to in the past. Previously, I would wake up and then go right back to sleep. I don’t know if this is just something that is natural with aging or the stress that I feel as I try to keep things in order and think about the future when it will be more challenging.

I feel that my recent contact with several other friends and family members may be an indication of my feeling greater stress than I have had in the past.

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