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Celebrating The Christmas Season

Last night, Kate and I attended a special Christmas dinner at Casa Bella. This is an annual event done in conjunction with Broadway Night. Christmas music makes up the entire musical program. That includes not only the musicians who entertain us, but also those who are in the audience. The formal program consisted of selected music from “The Winter Rose,” a cantata by Joseph Martin. Neither of us was familiar with the music, but we and the rest of the audience enjoyed it. Apart from the beautiful music, we sat once again with the same couple we usually sit with. They are both 93 and in great shape. We loved sharing another evening with them.

That was the second of a number of Christmas events we will be attending this week and next. I am happy that we are able to enjoy the season in this way. I only wish Kate were able to fully appreciate it. She does enjoy the specific events like last night, but her memory doesn’t permit her to retain any sense that it is the Christmas season and to reflect on how much we have enjoyed it in the past as well as the present. She doesn’t say anything about Christmas or anything about the outside decorations I have put up. Even when I showed her what I had done, she was only able to say, “That’s nice” without a lot of enthusiasm. This is another characteristic of her AD. She is simply much more even in her expression of emotions except for things that she especially likes or dislikes.

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Our Visit with Ellen

On our way home from Memphis, Kate and I stopped by for a visit with Ellen in Nashville. We continue to try to visit about once a month. This was the first time that she has been in bed when we arrived. She was surprised, but pleased, to see us. We always check with her daughter before each visit to make sure it is convenient. I am sure that her daughter told her. I find that I am always interpreting Kate’s behavior in light of her AD. I am probably doing the same with Ellen. Knowing that she is in a memory care unit, it seems like her forgetting is a pretty good bet. The only reason I make note of this event is that she has always seemed so sharp in the past.

When she got up, we found her quite talkative, a trait that has always been characteristic of her. The only complication now is her speech. I don’t think we could detect any change in that since last time. We could still only understand about 25% of what she says. Despite the speech problem which does make conversation a challenge, we stayed longer than on any previous visit, almost two and a half hours.

This time we stayed with her while she ate her dinner in the dining room. We didn’t intend to stay through her dinner, but she seemed like she didn’t want us to leave. At one point, when we said we needed to leave, she was ready to leave her dinner. We decided to stay a little longer for her to finish.

I have always been curious to see if Kate’s visit to the memory unit would have any impact on her. So far as I can tell, she hasn’t seemed to notice. I have been concerned that since most of the residents are rather non-communicative, it might make Kate think about her being in this same condition sometime in the future. I just don’t see any reaction. In fact, as we were leaving yesterday, she spoke to a resident sitting at the table next to us. She told the resident her name was Kate. As it turned out, the resident’s name is also Kate and she just beamed at the coincidence.

After leaving Ellen, we dropped by a local pizza place I had heard about. Then we headed back home. The trip home had been a smooth one. Kate was tired and very quickly got ready for bed. I have noticed that she has been tired after our previous trips, so it is not surprising to discover that she is still in bed this morning. That is quite a contrast to the past week or so when she has been getting up early enough for us to be at Panera by 8:30 or shortly thereafter.

Kate got along well on the trip, but being in different places is confusing for her. Several times while we were in Memphis and in Nashville she asked me, “Where are we?”

On the other hand, I am very happy that she still is able to handle herself well in social situations. She is quiet after a while. It is hard for her to follow conversations and to interject her own comments. Sometimes when she jumps in, she says something that is not related to what we are talking about. But she displays the poise she has always had when meeting people. I hope she retains that ability for a long time.

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Going to Memphis for Thanksgiving

This morning we left for Memphis where we are spending Thanksgiving with our daughter, Jesse, and her family. We usually break up the trip by stopping for lunch in Nashville to visit one of several friends who live there. This time we had a short visit with  Angie and Tom Robinson, a couple we have known since our undergraduate days at TCU. She is a retired English teacher with the public school system. He is a retired philosophy prof from Vanderbilt. Tom and I are two of three TCU grads who have kept up and for a number of years have kept up an active daily email correspondence.

We  met them at a local Tex-Mex restaurant where we spent about an hour and a half catching up on our lives. They are both very much aware of Kate’s AD. Of course, Kate is not aware that they know. That has not been a problem since they never say anything that would even hint of any awareness. Of course, this is almost always the case with everyone. It would be a rare person who would say anything to a person who has AD.

Although were not together long, we had a pleasant visit. When we left, Kate specifically mentioned how well it had gone. She even noted that everyone got to talk, something she is sensitive to, at least with respect to her getting left out.

The rest of the trip wasn’t as pleasant. Not too far out of Nashville, we ran into heavy traffic on I-40. One lane going West was blocked for construction. That exacerbated the problem created by the holiday traffic. It took us almost an hour longer than normal to get to Memphis.

We all went to dinner at a pizza place Jesse and Greg thought we would like. It is one of those down home places with a lot of character in one of the older sections of Memphis. Jesse knows we like places like this and has taken us to quite a few on our previous visits. When we returned to the house, we didn’t waste any time in calling it a night. Although the drive from Nashville to Memphis wasn’t so pleasant, the visits with the Robinsons and our evening with Jesse’s family more than made up for it. It was another nice day.

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As Expected, Another Good Broadway Night

Yesterday I reported on our full but very good day. That was just before we were leaving for our monthly visit to Casa Bella for Broadway Night. We have enjoyed all of their musical evening dinners; so I was optimistic that we were in for a good evening. I was right. Once again, we sat with the Jensons. We have really enjoyed getting to know them. They are in their nineties and doing very well. She is the daughter of the woman who started the restaurant almost fifty years ago. When he married into the family, he became a partner in the restaurant. They worked together until they turned the restaurant over to their daughter and her husband. We were joined by another couple that usually sit at another table. It was also getting to know them a little better.

Apart from that we saw a neighbor whom I see frequently on my morning walk. I had mentioned some time ago that Casa Bella had the Thursday night musical events. This was her second time their with two of her friends. In addition, I saw a member of the Sunday school class I used to teach. These are the kind of connections that become everyday events in a city like Knoxville. I believe this has made our lives with AD just a little bit better than it might have been otherwise. The best part is that both Kate and I enjoy these social encounters. They aren’t long or involved and do not involve any great obligations that we would be unable to meet. They just become bright spots in our day.

Of course, the focus of the whole evening is on the musical program itself. We were familiar with all three of last night’s musicians. That also adds a measure of comfort for us. The female vocalist has a master’s in voice from UT. She is not only a fastastic singer but a great actress. She brought the house down when she sang her last number, “Habanera” from Carmen. She slinks seductively among the audience stopping by a number of the men in the audience. Everybody gets a kick out of this. Her finance is a gifted pianist from Spain where he has received wide recognition. The male singer is someone who is very active in local theater but earns his living in the computer industry. All told, it was a beautiful end to what had been a very nice day.

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A Bad Start, But a Great Finish

Yesterday was our first cold day of the season. That follows a lengthy period of time when our temperatures have been well above normal. Apart from the cooler temperature, it rained on and off the entire day and into the night. I don’t think the weather is likely to have affected Kate’s mood, but she didn’t begin the day as cheerfully as she has been doing lately. She was up earlier. That meant an earlier visit to Panera. After an hour she had a very dejected look on her face that made me surmise (correctly) that she was ready to go home.

On most days, she would have wanted to go directly to the yard to pull leaves. In this case, the weather prevented that. I told her I would build a fire in the fireplace and that we could pull up our chairs and enjoy the first fire of the season. She seemed to like that. We have a lot of wood that is left over from the past two years when it was much warmer than usual. The fire was going in a flash, and both of us commented on how good it felt to relax in front of the fire. After almost an hour, Kate appeared to have had enough. She got up from her chair leaving her iPad behind. She started re-arranging some of the knick knacks on the entertainment center in the living room. It was obvious she was ready for something else. I suggested we go to lunch. She accepted.

I began to think about the rest of the day. She had a facial scheduled for 4:00, and we were going to attend Jazz Night at Casa Bella at 6:00. That led me to think about her getting a manicure and pedicure. It had been a while since I had arranged that for her. I mentioned that to her on the way to lunch. She was not enthusiastic but accepted the suggestion.

We had a nice lunch at a place near our home. When we got back to the house, I called the nail shop and discovered they could take her right away; so off we went. It’s located a few doors down from Panera. While Kate was getting her nails done, I went to Panera with my laptop. She was finished about 3:15. That left us only 45 minutes before her facial. I decided that we should go back to Panera until time for her facial appointment. By this time, her mood had begun to change. She wasn’t overly cheerful, but she was not down the way she had been in the morning.

The spa where she gets her facial is a few doors from Whole Foods. I usually go there with my laptop while Kate is getting a facial or massage. About a year and a half ago, I signed her up to have a facial and a massage once a month, each about two weeks from the other. She has seemed to enjoy that. Yesterday was no exception. She was relaxed when I picked her up.

When we got home, we had less than an hour before leaving for Casa Bella. I listened to the news while she worked on her iPad. I had downloaded photos from our recent trip to Texas to her iPad. Her puzzle program allows her to create new puzzles with any of the photos. Again, she was not overly enthusiastic, but she did get a kick out of seeing the pictures. She hasn’t figured out how to select the photos and create a puzzle, but I can do that for her. After she completes each photo puzzle I have created, she selects one of the stock puzzles that come with the program. Each time she runs into a road block, I create a new photo puzzle for her. I am going to continue adding new photos to her iPad so that she will have a large selection from which I can choose.

We got to Casa Bella a few minutes after 6:00 and sat at our usual table with the parents of the owners of the restaurant. Kate and I like both of them, and last night no one else joined us at the table. That meant it was much easier to enjoy the conversation. I am sure this made the experience a better one for Kate. As I have noted in previous posts, we attend Opera Night on the first Thursday of each month as well as Broadway Night on the third Thursday of the month. Jazz Night is a new musical program that began a few weeks ago. Last night was only the second time we have attended.

The program was superb. We had heard that a clarinetist we know from the local symphony was going to be playing but nothing else. It turned out that he was part of a trio of extremely talented musicians that included a an outstanding female vocalist and a guitarist. The music consisted of many familiar ballads. We and the rest of the audience were thrilled with the performance. To top things off, we ran into several other people we know who had not attended before. That made the evening very special in a variety of ways. A day that had started out rocky ended on a high note. The events of the morning were long forgotten. Of course, that was especially true for Kate.

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The Value of Social Engagement and Activity

I am happy to report that Kate’s mood began to change before we left for home after our haircuts. Dawn is a big talker and a cheerful person. I believe the interaction (listening? <g>) with her as well as that among the three of us provided Kate with a needed lift.

The big change came with our evening at Casa Bella for Opera Night. The conversation was especially lively last night. I should point out that we gather around 6:00, but the program doesn’t begin until 7:00. Kate does not talk much herself, but it appears that she benefits from the stimulation of being with others. As I have mentioned in the past, we sit at the same table as the senior couple of the family that owns the restaurant. The wife, who is 92 and the daughter of the woman who started the restaurant, and her husband, who is a year older, are both delightful people.

Last night’s singers were especially talented, and the program was also very appealing. I sat across the table from Kate. That gave me the opportunity to see the expression on her face the entire time. She was just beaming, and when she applauded, she did so with gusto.

The evening reinforced my own belief in the importance of social contact and activity. I have worked hard to provide a good bit of that through eating out and our attendance at so many live performances. That, of course, represents only a portion of a day. Up until now, working in the yard and the jigsaw puzzles on her iPad have filled in the rest of the time. With the cooler weather, the leaves are not growing as rapidly. That means there is less to do outside. She is also encountering more difficulty with her iPad. This may be a time I need to look to other avenues for social connection. One of those could be to visit some of my former Sunday school class members, something I would like to do but haven’t done as much because of the time I spend with Kate. I think I could combine both of these needs.

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Report on our Weekend Trip to Memphis

Like our trip to Texas, our trip to Memphis was a success. It’s always good to see our grandsons. This time was no exception. The highlight, of course, was our getting to see Randy play with his high school band. Friday night we saw the band perform at halftime during their homecoming game. Saturday night we saw the last three bands in the regional band competition. We enjoyed each of them but too special pleasure in seeing Randy’s band. They competed against only one other AAAA school and won in every category. It was also nice to hear our other grandson, Ron, talk about his theater class. He is excited about upcoming tryouts for The Three Musketeers that they will perform in January.

We ate dinner after the band events on both nights. That meant that we were up later than normal. Kate handled it well. She is a real trouper. I had previously committed ourselves to stop in Nashville on the way home to visit Kate’s best friend, Ellen, who is in a memory care unit, and our friends from the University of Wisconsin and the University of Tennessee, Ann and Jeff Davis. In order to do that, we needed to leave by 10:00 if we wanted to get back home at a decent hour. Kate was sleeping soundly, but I woke her up just before 9:00 to give her time to get a shower and dressed for the trip. She got up very willingly and was ready in time to leave at 10:00.

Both visits were good ones. Ellen is declining. Her speech has been affected by her stroke a little over two years ago as well as several seizures she has had since the end of February. I think her vascular dementia is beginning to affect her now. Kate didn’t seem to pick up on this. Seeing the other people in the memory unit caused me to wonder whether it is a good thing to keep taking Kate. She doesn’t seem to notice. At least she doesn’t say anything that makes me think he feels uncomfortable. I think she just doesn’t think about her ending up in the same condition. I am glad. I wish I didn’t.

We had dinner with Ann and Jeff at their home. We have lived in different cities for the past 25 years or so; however, each time we are together we pick just as though we had seen them yesterday. At one time, Ann was Kate’s best friend. That was before she and Jeff moved to Ohio. They moved to Nashville about twenty years ago. It was a great way to end what had been a very nice weekend.

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Social Withdrawal?

This morning Kate has her monthly PEO meeting. Last night when I mentioned it to her, she groaned. I recall that she has shown less enthusiasm about going to PEO over the past 6-12 months, but this is the first time that her response made it sound like a chore. A few minutes ago I got back from my morning walk. I went into her room to remind her that this was her PEO day. She groaned again saying, “I know.” I said, “You’ve always enjoyed going.” She went on to say that she wasn’t enjoying it the way she used to. Then I went back to my computer to see if this is a day when they have lunch. It turns out that it is. I went back to Kate and told her this was a day when they are having a lunch at the home of the hostess. She said, “That’s even worse.”

For some time I have felt that there has been a change in the way she fits in with the group. Sometimes she is waiting outside for me to pick her up. Typically she would remain in the house socializing until I arrived. She also hasn’t appeared to have enjoyed the meeting. They have taken in several new members in the past few years. They have also lost a few that she really liked. I suspect Kate is feeling like she is a stranger in her club. She doesn’t know the new people, and she can’t remember all the older members. I feel sorry for her. I am especially concerned because it would be the loss of another social contact that could be good for her. On the other hand, if she isn’t enjoying herself, why keep it up.

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In A Quandary

It is now 2 ½ hours before we are having 3 other couples over for a light dinner. We are doing this informally. We hope the weather will cooperate and permit us to eat outside. If not, we’ll simply adjourn to the family room. Despite the informality, we have a good bit to do. I cooked pork tenderloin last night. We are going to thaw some shrimp and have shrimp cocktail. In addition, we will have assorted cheeses, fruit, and caprese salad. All of these are things we need to have in order by the time everyone arrives. At the moment Kate is outside working on plants. Some of this work has been pruning behind the shrubs on the side of the house where no one can see anything. How should I respond? Do I push her? That will annoy her. Do I let her go and just let the chips fall where they may? It is the latter that I am tending to do more and more often. I do believe we are very near the time when I will simply do everything except what she may want to do to make her feel a part. I don’t mean tonight although that is where we are headed. Thus far she has done very little except for the yard. It looks great, and I appreciate her work. However, I consider it secondary to the things that must be done to serve dinner.

Another issue is her weight. She loves eating snacks and treats like Wendy’s Frosties, candies, etc. She is frustrated over her weight gain. I am only 10-12 pounds heavier than she, and we found on our trip to South America that she can comfortably wear my jeans. I can understand she wants to enjoy herself while she stills knows and understands what is going on around her; however, I also know that she is troubled by her weight. She decided to go to Weight Watchers before we went to South America. She decided to start after our return. She went to one meeting and never returned. Again I have decided for the moment that I will not put any pressure on her. I feel like she needs to enjoy herself.

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Some Positive and Negative Aspects of AD

Last night we returned from Fort Worth where we attended the 50th reunion of our 1962 graduating class at TCU.  We had a wonderful time. Clearly time had not erased the connections we had with our good friends from those days. For Kate the really good thing was that this kind of situation relies on long-term memory which, for her, is still good. That meant she was able to comfortably converse with people and enjoy them.

This made me stop and think how fortunate it is that it is the short-term memory that goes first because much of our interaction with people depends more heavily on our long-term memory. Before going, Nancy Hardwick (a childhood friend of Kate’s and also a friend at TCU) had sent us an email letting us know that Charlie, her husband (who was a former roommate of mine), was having memory problems and that we should always copy her on any emails to Charlie because he doesn’t remember things too well. As it turns out, if she had not mentioned this to us, we would never have known he had a problem.

These experiences underscore what I have mentioned a number of times before – the person with AD and his/her spouse recognize the condition long before others do. Although Kate got along beautifully as far as her relationship with the people with whom she interacted, I know that she had any number of experiences of forgetfulness that are painful to her. Her memory continues to worsen, and she recognizes it.

Not to take away from the stress for her, but it is also a challenge for me. Because she is so normal in most ways, I continue to respond to her in the same way that I have always done. For example, we had talked during the weekend about going to Sadie’s Cafe for breakfast on Monday morning before leaving. On Sunday night we talked about going there the next morning and returning to the hotel to finish packing. Right after she woke up on Monday morning, I told her I thought we might get ready to go to breakfast at 8:00 and the come back to the hotel to finish packing. I assumed that she remembered our plans for Sadie’s Cafe. When she was taking more time to finish packing, I said I thought we should go and reminded her that we were coming back to finish before leaving. She had forgotten that we were coming back to the room. She thought we were leaving for the airport in Dallas.

When we went downstairs, she walked in the direction of the hotel’s restaurant as I walked toward the door to go out to the car. She looked puzzled, and I reminded her that we were going to Sadie’s. She had completely forgotten.

When something like this happens, I recognize that I should know by now that she can’t remember. What I should do is assume that she won’t remember and say something tactful that gives her the information again without saying, “Remember, we are . . .” or responding after the fact, “I told you . . .” or “Don’t you remember?” All of these things hurt her self-confidence and bother her. I need to do a better job saying the right things instead of the wrong things.

During the weekend there were quite a number of incidents that she forgot about after my telling her something we would be doing at a particular time. She frequently asks me what day it is and then asks again later. This is one of the things she has in common with Dad.

The good thing is that I am the one who will see these things and not others. Hopefully, she will be able to hide her AD from the world for a while longer.