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Frustrations of Everyday Life

Tuesday was a bad day. I mean in the sense that Kate felt depressed about her forgetfulness. To start the day, I told her to watch the dishes as she took them out of the cabinets because I noted that when I emptied the dishwasher, there was at least one dirty glass. She felt bad knowing that she had put something dirty in with the clean dishes. I sensed immediately that she was hurt and tried not to make a big deal of it.

Shortly thereafter we took her car to Firestone to get a new tire because one of hers had gone out the day before. The man at Firestone noted that the wheel rims around the tire had been scraped and said we could blame that on me. Of course, she knew he was really talking about her. After leaving Firestone, I told her that we couldn’t have lunch together because I was planning to go see Dad at noon instead of late afternoon as I usually do. I was doing this because we were planning to go to a 5:30 movie at the Olympia. I could see that she was depressed; so before leaving for the office, I told her I had changed my mind and that we could have lunch together and suggested Applebee’s.

The final blow came before we went to the movie. She came home with her laptop that had been repaired by the computer store and told me that she dropped it. She said, “I cause most of my own problems.”

We went to the movie, a documentary about Bill Cunningham a longtime photographer with the NY Times. She and I enjoyed it and then went to a light dinner at Mojito’s. That made the day end on a good note.

On another front, Dad was more alert on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons, especially yesterday. The invitations to his 98th birthday party were being delivered to many folks yesterday, and I took his invitation to him. He was like a child – very pleased and showed it to a few people at dinner.

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Getting Lost and Frustration

Life has been a little hectic lately; so I sometimes find it hard to jot a few notes at the time I want to. Here are a couple of things from the past few days.

Last Wednesday Kate had a routine appointment with Dr. Reasoner. I had asked her if she wanted me to go with her. She said she was fine. What she didn’t consider was getting lost. I told her how to get there, and also told her to use her GPS. We had eaten lunch across the street from my office, and I walked back to the office while she went to the doctor. A short time later she called saying she was lost. I asked where she was, and she was able to tell me she was “by” the University of Tennessee Medical Center; so I knew she was close. However, as I pressed, she couldn’t tell me more precisely where she was. I got out my iPhone and opened the GPS. Between her telling me about street signs and my looking at the map, I saw where she was and guided her step by step to the building.

The next day she was going to Dad’s condo to dry clothes since our clothes dryer is not working. Although she has been there many times, she got lost and had to use the GPS to get there. She was headed there going north and went past the turn and found herself a few blocks away where she turned right. It was a few blocks later that she realized she was lost and needed to use the GPS.

On Saturday when she had forgotten or lost something, she said, “”At least now that I know that I have Alzheimer’s, I have an excuse.” She is having many experiences where she can’t recall where she has put things, where she is supposed to go, what time she is going someplace, or that she is going someplace at all. I am trying to remind her of some things. I do best at reminding about social engagements. I am not doing well in making sure she remembers to take her purse with her from a restaurant, etc.

Yesterday I met with the communications committee of the United Way. I sat next to a former client and learned that his wife has dementia. I asked how long they had known. He said a couple of years. Then he said it had been less than that. I asked if she was aware. He said that the doctor had told her when he gave her the the MRI diagnosis but that she does not seem to know or pay much attention now. He indicated she is happy and that they are getting along all right. The conversation, however, was sobering for me in that it added fuel to my existing fears that in 1-2 years we’ll be further along on this journey than we had hoped.

One final thought. A few minutes ago Kate and I were making plans for the day when she said, “Just tell me what to do.” This is something she says frequently, and I am trying to learn not to throw too much at her. My interpretation is that she is facing so much frustration over losing things and not remembering things that it is too frustrating for her to attempt to rationally work out a plan for almost anything.

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Symptoms from Kate and Dad

After lunch this past Saturday, Kate went to Lavender, her favorite dress shop. I stayed at home. As I was on the way to see Dad, I got a call from her. She asked where I was and sounded disappointed when I said I was on I-77 almost to Dad’s nursing facility. I asked what she needed, and she said she couldn’t find her car. I asked her a number of questions trying to help her remember but took an exit and went to meet her at my office. When I was a couple of blocks from Lavender’s, I saw her car in the parking lot of a restaurant. When I picked her up, I told her I had good news that I had found the car. It was only then that she recalled that she had gone to a shop down the street looking at clothing to take on our trip to Africa. She was clearly discouraged by this lapse.

Although I started this document with Kate in mind, I am going to make an observation regarding Dad as well. In many respects, his condition plays a significant role in my relationship with Kate and how she feels about things. For quite a while I have gotten phone calls from Dad in the middle of the night. I am not alone. He sometimes calls my brother as well as several of his friends. He told me that he had called one of his buddies just after midnight last week.

At any rate, Dad called me at 2:33 yesterday morning. He told me that he was in West Palm Beach at the Shrine Club. I suggested that perhaps he had had a dream, but he couldn’t seem to hear well which is pretty normal. He placed 3 calls to me around 5:25. Each time he left a voicemail message saying that I didn’t need to come get him that he was at his nursing home.

On at least 2 occasions, he has called to let me know that he thought this was the end, that he was completely blind, and that he had had a wonderful life and wanted to thank me. Each time I have tried to reassure him and told him I was going to plan on seeing him later in the day. When I finally see him after these calls, he always remembers making them and even seems to take some pleasure in them.

For Kate, I am sure this causes some pain as well as amusement. I know she must be thinking of what she is going to be like as her AD progresses.

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The Challenges of Everyday Life

Last night after leaving the visitation for a church friend, Kate and I planned to meet at Panera Bread. This followed a terrible thunderstorm during the visitation. As we came back toward Panera, she and I got separated (we were in separate cars). The power was out along the street leading to our home. I went home to wait and then went back out to look for her. Before going too far, I got a phone call from Kate saying she was at Chalupas; so I went to join her. I discovered that she had thought I had said we would go to Chalupes if Panera was not open (which I had not said at all). When I got there, she told me she had accidentally gone past the restaurant and realized it sometime down the road and had to turn back. In turning around she had run over a curb and thought she might have damaged the car (though I don’t see any signs of damage).

Over dinner she told me she is beginning to lose confidence. I assured her that the confusion of the night and weather conditions made it difficult to see (which was true) and that it could have happened to anyone. She understands that, but I could tell she still thinks part of the problem is AD. She is seeing more and more signs of it as am I.

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Forgetting Appointments and Responding with Humor

I took a call from Kate about an hour ago. She was calling from the hair dresser’s to tell me that she had locked herself out of the house and would need to stop by the office to get a key. She also said that she had forgotten her hair appointment again and that Evelyn’s daughter had had to call her to come in. Kate has mentioned before that she thought they suspected her AD. I suspect ongoing behavior is confirming it.

I find it interesting that she is able to take a humorous approach to this instance of forgetting. It makes me think of my dad who is responding similarly. I feel like this is a further sign of the progression of the illness that instead of expressing frustration, she is able to laugh about it and make no effort to hide her forgetfulness.

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Are We Imagining, or Is She Getting Worse?

Yesterday Kate and I both recognized signs of confusion and inability to do everyday things. She couldn’t find her shirt that was on the back of a chair in the kitchen, she couldn’t find the power cord for the computer, she couldn’t handle some minor printing issues. At one point she said, “We know I’m getting worse.” I tried to comfort her, but there are aspects of this that I know are so personal that I am unable to relieve her burden only ease it.

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Continued Problems at home and on the Road

We are still at Chautauqua, and I sense this has been a tough week for Kate. She told me a couple of days ago that she is a basket case. After I gave her a second toothbrush yesterday (she failed to bring one with her, and I had given her an extra that I carry for that purpose), she also made a remark that a friend whose husband died of AD, told her it only gets worse.

She continues to work on fer family album, a project that should have been completed long ago. To her credit, she is also editing some of the work that her brother had done; however, I am confident that given her mental state, she is taking 3-4 times as long as she should to complete everything.

I have also noticed that she has seemed more needy in the sense of wanting to be close. We were to meet in the Amphitheater for the morning lecture yesterday. I never saw her come in, and she did not see me. When it was over, I waited for her to come out. When I didn’t see her I came back to our room. She finally arrived and was panicked because she had not been able to find me. I am thinking this is one of the early signs of fearing to be out of my sight.

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Being Directionally-Challenged is Worse for a Person with AD

We are in Jamestown, NY, having flown here (Buffalo then car to Jamestown) for our annual trip to Chautauqua. We will meet one of Kate’s PEO sisters who lived in Knoxville for a number of years. I thought of a couple of things. First, I did not mention that on Thursday of this week (7/28/2011), I was at lunch with someone from our church when I received a call from Kate. She was lost. She was in the car and had intended to drive to a neighbor’s house which is just around the corner from our house, but she didn’t remember exactly where it was. She wasn’t far from home or our neighbor’s house when she called. She seemed in a panic. She was able to tell me the street she was on.  She followed my directions and got there. Later I learned that she was the first to arrive which relieved her.

Kate is directionally-challenged; so it is not surprising that she could get lost; however, since she was just going a very short distance to a location near where we have lived for 25 years, I take this as another indication of her AD.

I don’t know that I have commented on this before, but we have gone through numerous such experiences over the past couple of years. On one occasion she missed a PEO meeting she was going to because she traveled around so long she was embarrassed to show up. She just called to say that she could not make it.

I should also mention that Kate has been working on a one-page flyer to mail out to PEOs in the Knoxville area inviting them to a book chat with an author. She has had this essentially finished since Monday or Tuesday but has had to make some edits based on suggestions from a sister PEO. The point is that this is a small task, but it has taken her an inordinate amount of time because of simple mistakes. She has indicated losing a number of things that I think are text boxes. I know that the problems she has had with the family album she is working on with her brother are largely a function of problems like this. She doesn’t remember how to do things, how to correct things, and generally digs herself in deeper as she works. It is like 2 steps forward and 1 step backward which makes her very frustrated.

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More Signs of Change

Just a couple of quick notes. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed additional signs that Kate’s memory may be worsening. She continues to misplace her phone, keys, purse, etc. She also forgot to go to a dentist’s appointment this week. One day this week while we were at lunch, she asked me if she had been awake when I left that morning. I told her yes and that she was up and we had spoken, but she didn’t remember it.

I am also finding that she is more irritable and is almost terrified if you accidentally startle her. When our grandson was here, he accidentally did so. I frequently startle her if I come in the room when she doesn’t realize I am at home. I am trying to make sure she knows I am home before walking in on her.

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Signs of Dependence

This is really an addendum to yesterday’s post. Last night I remembered one other thing that I take as a sign of the progression of Kate’s AD. Several times lately she has seemed uneasy when I am at Dad’s, and she encounters problems working on the computer. This is the first sign I have had that she looks to me as her security. At this point it is minimal, but I can’t help remembering how Mom never wanted Dad to leave her presence. I have heard a church friend  say the same thing about his wife. It makes me think more seriously about how I will handle work at the office as the AD gets worse.