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The Rest of the Day

I started the morning early thinking about Kate and the future. I am now ending the day feeling better than I did at that time. However, not everything has been encouraging during the day. The good news is that when she got up this morning, she walked into the kitchen smiling. It was the kind of look I have grown accustomed to over the past 52+ years.

After my morning walk, I worked at the computer in the kitchen for a good while. Some of that was writing the earlier post today. Kate had looked at the memo pad I keep on the island and saw that this was the day for our houseskeeper to come and also the day we were going to visit her friend, Ellen in Nashville. I reminded her of these things. About 9:30, I thought I should check on her since I had wanted to leave shortly after 10:00. When I went back to her office, I discovered that she was still in her nightgown. She was sorting through and hanging up clothes that were on her bed. I think they must have been from the cruise. I told her we were going to leave in 35 minutes and that I needed to mail a couple of letters and would be back after that. I bumped into a friend at Starbucks and chatted a few minutes with him; so I didn’t get back to the house until almost 9:50. She was still in her nightgown. She asked how much time we had. I told her 10 minutes thinking that 15-20 would be all right. About 15 minutes later, she came out dressed for the day. I was surprised she was ready. She seemed a bit panicky. She said something about my being angry with her for being late. I assured her (unsuccessfully) that I was not angry. It was no use. She started crying. She told me she was trying so hard. She repeated that she knew I was angry and was just trying to be nice. What she didn’t know is that I had called our friends whom we were to meet at at 11:30 and told them we were running late but would be there. In other words, I wasn’t angry at all. In fact, although I often find myself frustrated, I don’t believe I ever get angry with her. I genuinely believe I am understanding of why she behaves as she does. That makes all the difference in the world. At any rate, we left in the car with her feeling really bad about making me angry. We didn’t talk the entire way to Nashville. I put on a playlist of music I have created just for moments like these. I have used it quite a number of times. It played all the way.

After parking the car, we walked to the restaurant. Kate left her coat in the car, and it was windy and 41 degrees. I said, “Don’t you want your coat?” She looked at me angrily and said, “”No.” We hadn’t walked too far when she said she needed her coat. I gave her mine. Although I had a sweater, it was pretty chilly. When we got in the car after lunch, I asked her when she was going to give me back my coat. Once again, she looked at me angrily. I didn’t pursue the subject, and she wore the coat until we got home. By that time I feel sure she didn’t even remember that she was wearing my coat. She was in a good humor, however. At 7:50 p.m., she told me she was going to bed. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me. She was relaxed and very comfortable in bed. All is well.

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Problem Sleeping

I woke up at 3:16 this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. I finally got up about 4:45. My mind has been absorbed with Kate’s deteriorating condition. I am working harder to keep her entertained. I find it both challenging and discouraging. For the first time since I have been keeping this journal I find myself recognizing that she is entering that stage of Alzheimer’s that people most commonly associate with the disease. She is still able to hide her illness from most people, but she is becoming more detached from life than in the past. She hasn’t gone to church in a couple of months. I passed up the past two symphony concerts because I knew she would not be interested. I have declined a couple of other engagements because I knew it was not her thing.

More importantly for me, her whole mood has been changing over the past 2 months. I don’t see any spark of joy at anything. She can get up for certain social situations. She did that in Miami. She displayed some of that on the cruise but not much. She just doesn’t seem to be happy. I keep looking for the right word to describe her. She is listless, forlorn, bored.

At the same time, she is also more irritable with me. She snaps at me when I haven’t done anything to justify her reaction. She sees this herself I am sure. I say that because she often follows such reactions by telling me she loves me or grabbing my hand and holding it fondly.

I also see more moments in which she has imagined things that haven’t happened. Late yesterday afternoon I walked into our bedroom, and she said, “I am so angry.” I asked her why. She said because someone had said something (I don’t remember what that something was, but she was specific.) about her mother. When I questioned her further, I learned that she thought I had told her about someone who had said this about her mother. I assured her that I hadn’t said anything like that. She was puzzled and finally said, “Maybe I imagined that.” She has had several of these situations in the past week.

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The Role of Humor

After being so depressed last night, Kate was herself this morning at least until it was time for us to get a bite to eat before our haircuts at 11:00. Here’s what happened. About 9:45 I went back to her office where she was working on her laptop. I told her we would need to leave in 30 minutes if we wanted to get something to eat before our haircuts. She indicated that would not be a problem. In the meantime, I went back to my computer. After 15 minutes, I went back to let her know that we had 15 minutes. Before I could say anything, she said somewhat angrily, “What do you want? You can see I’m getting ready.” Seeing that she was well on her way to being ready, I let her alone and didn’t say anything more. At 10:15 she called to me and asked, “Where are you?” She was all ready to go. Knowing that she would wait for me while I was getting my haircut, I asked if she wanted to take her iPad. She said, “And my computer too.” I could see that she didn’t have her computer; so I assumed that I needed to get it for her. Since she had been using it in her office, I went there to get it. I didn’t find it. In the meantime, I discovered that she was looking for it as well. I told her I had seen her using it in the office but didn’t see it there. We both started looking in different rooms of the house. Then she asked where her iPad was. I told her it was probably in the bedroom, but I had no luck there. Then I asked her, “You wouldn’t have taken both of them and put them in the car, would you?” Before she could answer, I went to the car to check. They were in the front seat of the car. She acted quite relieved to know they were found; however, she had already gotten pretty worked up and couldn’t immediately calm down. This was not a full-blown panic attack but her heart appeared to be racing and she was breathing more heavily than normal.

We went to Panera. On the way over I asked, “Are you back to normal now?” (This is something that occurs somewhat frequently. I ask the question, and she tells me if she is or isn’t.) She told me, “Not yet.” I sense that this routine exchange seems to facilitate her calming down IF I don’t I appear to be pushing her but simply being sympathetic. I told her I thought she would be perfectly calm by the time I brought her food to her. That didn’t happen. She told me (in a nice way) that she still wasn’t back to normal. About half way through her sandwich, she said, “I’m all right now.” We both smiled and went on with our lunch.

I dropped her off to get her haircut while I went back home to take care of a few things and to stop by Walgreens to pick up a prescription. When she finished, I took my place to have my hair shampooed. In a few minutes she approached me and indicated she wanted to get a Dr. Pepper out of the car. I gave her my key with some hesitation and gave her instructions as to where I had parked. Kate left. I felt uneasy, and Dawn said she would follow her to the car. I told her what my car looked like and where it was parked. She came back in a few minutes and said that Kate had immediately turned left as she walked out of the shop instead of going straight as I had told her. Then she couldn’t find the car, but Dawn helped her.

When I had finished, we both went to the car. I asked her for the car key. She didn’t have it. I went back in the shop and found that she had put it on the bench beside the spot where she had been sitting. When I came back with the key, she was quite relieved. She was about to panic again. She joked abut my having to put up with so much from her that sometime I was going to lose my patience and just shoot her. I smiled at her and said, “It’s not going to happen.” We both laughed. I said, “At least we can keep our humor.”

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Change In Irritability?

Lately I have noticed what may be an increase in Kate’s irritability. Here is an example from this morning. This is our third day at Chautauqua, and she put on the same clothes she has worn at least the other 2 days. Last night I had reminded her that her suitcase was in the closet. Earlier this morning I put it beside the chest of drawers in our bedroom where she would see it. When I saw that she was wearing the same clothes, I said something about it. She did not take offense. I said, “Here is your suitcase.” She said sternly, “Put it on the bed.” Then she added, “How am I supposed to get it there (meaning by the chest)?”

Something else that could become a problem is a habit she has developed. It has two variations. The first is simply a very audible yawn. This is most common in the morning after she gets out of bed. It also occurs when she is tired or bored. While we were waiting for the opera to begin last night, she started yawning with the accompanying audible yawn. I said something to her about how loud she was. She was very irritated with me. I don’t know where this leads, but I fear that it will become something that is a bother to people around us. I remember that Sharon Billings said she carried a card with her to give to servers and others in restaurants and other places letting them know that her husband had Alzheimer’s. I may need this in the future.

Since beginning this post, Kate has changed her top, but is still wearing the same slacks. I cut her a couple of pieces of zucchini bread. She ate a banana and is now resting beside me on the sofa. This continues to be a pattern. It is as though getting up and eating something wears her out. I would think that her desire to rest relates to the strain of being outside the confines of her familiar territory; however, she does the same thing at home. The difference is that at home she always has the yard in which she can busy herself.

All these things continue to cause me to wonder if coming back to Chautauqua next summer is a good idea whether for one week or two. I really want to come back. She enjoys being here, and it seems easier for me to guide her into more things to do than at home. So far I have been unsuccessful in trying to get her to walk around the grounds. That seems like it would be something she would enjoy, but she reacts quickly and negatively when I suggest it.

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Assessing the trip to New York

Looking back at the trip to Switzerland as well as the trip to New York, I would have to say that both went quite well for Kate. Although I felt that greater demands were placed on me during both trips, they were terrific for Kate in that she was kept busy doing things that interested her. She handled everything well except the usual difficulty in meeting time deadlines. Even here, the problem is really one for me and not for her. She doesn’t worry about being on time for anything. She only gets up tight when I am encouraging her, sometimes having to push her, to get ready.

As I think about it, I feel she is getting along better right now and that I am also less frustrated. I am not sure whether this is the result of an improvement on her part or that I have become more accustomed to her decline in short-term memory. At any rate, I feel that things are moving along rather smoothly.

I continue to notice that Kate gets irritated with me and not always because I am rushing her to get ready. She continues to want to be more independent. She seems to be working hard to demonstrate her capabilities to me. She believes that I don’t think she can do anything, and that annoys her. It is then expressed in things she says to me. One of the little things that happens is that she does not want to take my hand when I extend it to cross a street, go up steps, etc. This has become a sign that she is needy, and she doesn’t like it.

Looking ahead, I am unsure about whether we will be able to attend Chautauqua after this year. I have already thought that if we do, it might be easier if we stayed at the Athenaeum Hotel because it offers three meals a day. That would make things easier for us.