Reflections on Having a Sitter

It is hard for me to believe, but it has been four months since  introducing a sitter into our lives. I thought about it a long time before making the decision. Then I agonized over the best way to present this to Kate. As it turned out, my worries were unwarranted. Kate accepted the sitter from the first day. She has always been very welcoming and has made comments about how sharp they are, something she says about most people she meets. It has been a relief to see how she responds each time the sitter arrives. Today, for example, I was in the kitchen when the sitter drove into the garage. We chatted briefly. Then I took her back to our bedroom where Kate was working on her iPad. As we entered, I said, “Mary is here, and I am off to the Y. You can do whatever you like. If you wanted you could go to Panera.” At that, Kate’s eyes brightened. She had a big smile on her face as she looked at Mary and said, “We could go to Panera.” So once again, I left without any worries about how she would get along.

There is another aspect to having a sitter that I hadn’t fully anticipated. (I should make it clear that we have two different sitters. One comes every Monday. The other comes Wednesdays and Fridays.)  It still bothers me to leave her. As I suggested in a post two or three weeks ago, I was motivated to engage a sitter to enable me to continue going to the Y, Rotary, attend any meetings that I might have, and take care of any routine errands. I find that sometimes four hours seems very short. That is especially true when I go to the Y and Rotary on Monday. That leaves me only about thirty to forty-five minutes for other things. On Wednesdays, I meet my friend, Mark, for coffee and conversation. He is helping me transfer this journal to a blog. If we meet for an hour, I usually have forty-five minutes before I have to be home. On Friday, however, I don’t have any other standing obligations except the Y. That leaves me with almost two hours. I put that time to good use. I make new entries like this one for my journal and also review older entries to upload to my blog. (I’ll say more about that in a separate post.) While I make good use of the time, I feel the slightest tinge of guilt that I have left Kate in the hands of a sitter when I could be doing this with her at home, Panera, or Barnes & Noble.

At first, I thought I would get over this feeling rather quickly. Now that four months have passed, it hasn’t gone away. In time, I know that it will. In the meantime, I am following the guidance of my less emotional side and taking advantage of some private time that I would not ordinarily have.

I know that many people caring for a loved one with dementia would love to get a break. I would as well if it were not for the fact that Kate has been relatively easy to care for. In that respect, she is very much like my mother who had an undiagnosed form of dementia. As her illness progressed, she never became agitated or aggressive or displayed any of the kinds of behaviors that try the patience of many caregivers. The same was true for Kate’s mother who had vascular dementia. I am not ready to say that Kate will never express any of these problems, but she hasn’t so far.

As Kate declines, I am prepared to increase the amount of time the sitter is here. It is comforting to know that our long term care insurance provides up to 13 hours a day should we need it. That is well below the 12 hours a week that a sitter is with her now. I don’t anticipate increasing that anytime soon. I realize, however, that circumstances can change quickly. When the need arises, I will certainly take advantage of it.

The Sitter is Still Working Out

Today was the first time we have had a sitter since before Christmas. We had missed three days while we were in Texas. I wondered if this would present a problem for Kate. I should not have worried. When the sitter arrived, Kate saw her pull into the garage as she (Kate) was about to go outside. She said, “Who is that?” I said, “That’s Mary. She is going to be here while I go to the Y.” Kate greeted Mary warmly as she entered the door. They both went outside while I got a few last-minute things taken care of before leaving. As I drove down the driveway to the street, I stopped where Kate was standing in a flower bed with Mary. She (Kate) asked where I was going. I told her the Y. Then she pointed to Mary, smiled, and said, “She’s my guard. I can’t get into any trouble.” I waved goodbye. Once again, I felt good that the sitter is working out as I had hoped.

Making Use of Time While the Sitter is With Kate

At the moment and for the next hour, I am at Whole Foods. This isn’t something I planned. It just seemed to be the best option for me right now. I left home shortly after the sitter arrived. Normally, I would have gone to the Y, but I had a meeting at United Way at 2:00. At the last minute, the meeting was changed to 3:00. Then I thought I might get together with Mark Harrington who is helping me with the technical aspects of getting this journal ready to be launched as a blog. He and his wife have recently moved to a new house. It turns out that he has a commitment to meet someone who is doing some work for them.

That has left me in a peculiar situation. I usually have a definite plan for the four hours the sitter is with Kate. Today I didn’t. The good news is that I always have things I can do with my journal. Almost all of them involve reviewing all previous entries and putting them in categories so that readers can sort through them for things of special interest. I don’t foresee that I will finish doing that before my launch date in January.

Having a bit of time that I need to fill is not something that happens very often. I either have plans or I have other commitments that demand my attention. For a while, I was concerned that four hours was not sufficient time for me to do the things I needed or wanted to do. For that reason, it feels funny to leave Kate with a sitter. It is as though I have a sitter but don’t need her today. I wonder if other caregivers ever find themselves in this situation.

That reminds me that yesterday I spoke with the agency that provides the sitters. We were making arrangements for the January schedule. They asked if I would want someone on New Year’s Day. I told them I didn’t.

I just got a call from my contact at United Way. They are now thinking of handling the 3:00 meeting by phone because of the weather. That is fine with me. That may give me a little more time this afternoon.

More Signs of Confusion

Before we went to Casa Bella last night, Kate started to put on an outfit that I thought was less appropriate than she should wear. She told me to pick out something. I did and put the pants and top on the bed in her room while she was standing there. I left the room to get myself dressed. Shortly she came into our bedroom wearing the same thing she had been wearing. I told her she didn’t put on the things I picked out. She gave me a puzzled look and asked where they were. I told her I had put them on the bed. We walked back to her room. I found the top on a hanger in her closet. She had thrown the pants across a chair. It was obvious she had no recollection of my having picked these out for her. I stayed with her while she took off the top she was wearing. I told her she didn’t need to change her pants although they were more casual than the ones I had picked out. Again, I went back to get ready. She came into the bedroom where I was getting ready. Once again, she was wearing the top she had been wearing to start with. I went with her to her bedroom and helped her into the top I had picked out.

This morning she was a little disoriented. Shortly after 8:30, I went to the bedroom to see if she was up. She was walking back to our bedroom. She asked, “What can I wear?” I asked her if she would like me to find something for her. She said, “Oh, yes.” There was no effort to express her independence. I walked to her room and picked out something from her closet where there were many options she could have chosen. When I returned to our bedroom with her clothes, she thanked me and put them on.

On a related note, I have noticed that she is having increasing trouble putting on her clothes. For quite a long time she has frequently put on her tops and pants backwards or inside out. This tendency is increasing. Last night as we got ready to leave for Casa Bella, she had great difficulty getting her top on correctly.

She has had similar problems today with two different coats. Late this afternoon, we went to Panera. The sitter had taken her there earlier, but she was eager to get out of the house. We had another hour before going to dinner; so back to Panera we went. Since it has been cold and rainy today, I gave her a coat to wear. I watched as she struggled to get it on. She wanted to do it without my help. She ended up getting in the car with her right arm in the right sleeve but couldn’t find the sleeve for the left arm. Before we left Panera, she started to try to put on her coat and then asked me to help her.

Because it has been such a nasty day I was concerned about Kate’s being occupied while the sitter was with her. Working outside was impossible. That only left the iPad to keep her busy. As far as I could tell, that did not turn out to be a problem. Neither Kate nor the sitter said anything.

As she has been doing, Kate warmly greeted the sitter. She also thanked her when she left. After she was gone, Kate said something about how sharp she is. I said, “It must be nice to have somebody here with you.” She nodded agreement and then said, “It really is. More than I thought at first.” I still don’t know if she realizes she has two different sitters, but she has never mentioned anything that suggests she does. She seems equally happy with each of them.

We reached a significant milestone with the sitters this week. It marks the end of the first ninety days since they started coming. The importance of this is that our long-term care insurance doesn’t start reimbursing us until after that period. If everything goes according to plan, I will need to submit records of all the payments made through Tuesday of this week. After they have accepted them, they will reimburse us for all future expenses up to a daily maximum set by our policy (12.5 hours). At the moment, I can’t begin to estimate how long it will be before we hit that maximum. I hope it is a long time.

More On Kate And The Sitter

When I arrived home this afternoon after going to Rotary, the Y, and Whole Foods, I found Kate and the sitter in what we used to call Kate’s office. I now just refer to it as Kate’s room. She still has an office chair, a desk and a printer in there, but she hasn’t used them in several years. She keeps most of her clothes in the closet and uses it as a dressing room as well as retreat when she is tired of being in our bedroom or the family room.

Kate was sitting on the bed, back to the headboard and legs stretched out in front of her, working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Anita was sitting in a chair watching something on the TV. I asked if they had been back to Panera. Anita said they had. That would have been Kate’s third time today. I took her for her breakfast muffin. Then I took her there for lunch before I going to Rotary. As Anita was leaving, I thanked her. Then Kate said, “I thank you too. I felt better having you with me.”

I had wondered if the sitter provided Kate with a sense of security. Her comment suggests that she does. Perhaps that is why she has been so accepting. At any rate, it always makes me feel good that she is so comfortable with my leaving her with a sitter.

 

Another Positive Experience With The Sitter

This morning I finally woke Kate at 11:00. It took her over an hour to get ready to leave for lunch; so that meant we didn’t have as much time as I would have liked before Anita, the sitter, was scheduled to arrive at home. Rather than rush Kate, I decided to call Anita and ask her to meet us at Panera where we were having lunch. That worked out well. That allowed me to leave and go back to the house to get ready for the Y. Kate and Anita stayed at Panera.

Once again, I am finding that four hours is not a lot of time when I go to the Y. After exercising, I met Mark Harrington for coffee. He is my technology guru and has handled the technical aspect of this website. We try to get together once a week. When we parted, I dropped by the ATM for some cash. Then my four hours was just about up.

When I arrived at home, Kate was sitting in a flower bed behind the house as she cleaned out some of the weeds. Anita told me they had taken a drive after leaving Panera. They had gone across town to Krispy Kreme. When they got back home, she said Kate went straight to the back yard. They had had a full afternoon themselves.

As Anita was about to leave, I thanked her. Kate quickly chimed in and said, “I’m the one who should be thanking you.” Then she walked over to Anita and gave her a hug. I never imagined things would go so well. It makes me happy.

After Anita was gone, I said, “So you went to Krispy Kreme.” Kate gave me a strange look. It was obvious that she didn’t remember going there.

The Sitter as Guard

201711-01 (9:01 pm).

Things continue to go well with the sitter. There are two actually, one on Monday and another who comes on Wednesday and Friday. For a variety of reasons, this is the first week that I have had someone for all three of those days. Today Mary was on duty. She had greeted Kate outside before checking in with me. I gave her a gift card that she could use if she and Kate wanted to go over to Panera. Mary went outside to be with Kate while I got myself ready to leave to donate platelets.

Before driving off, I went out to the yard to say goodbye. Kate was on the ground cleaning out a flower bed. I told her I was leaving and said, “ don’t have to worry about you, do I?” She answered emphatically, but with humor, and pointing to Mary, “No, I have a guard.” I left feeling all was well. I’m feeling good.

The Sitter is Working Out

October 13, 2017 (5:08 p.m.)

Today was the first day that I did not announce to Kate that the sitter was coming. I just let Mary meet her as she was working outside.  As I had hoped, there was no problem at all. I went out to let them know I was leaving. I also mentioned to Mary that Kate might want to go to Panera sometime and gave her money to buy what they wanted. Kate’s eyes brightened. She had a big smile on her face and said, “We can.” I started to tell Mary what  bagel Kate likes, but Kate stopped me. Then in a very nice way she told Mary that I can be very controlling. I started back to the garage and Mary asked me to wait. She asked me to write down what Kate likes and put it on the island in the kitchen. I did.

I stopped the car as I drove down the driveway and told them I was leaving for the Y. Kate waved and said, “I’m in good hands.” I felt good.

In addition to the Y, I was able to stop by two shops where Kate used to buy most of her clothes. I was looking for a couple of new tops to take to North Carolina next week. I got one top at each place. Then I went to Whole Foods where I got a dish of mint chocolate chip ice cream and worked on this journal.

When I got home, Kate was resting. Mary told me they had been to Panera where Kate had a bagel. Mary said that Kate had remembered our phone number to give to the person taking their order. I was floored. This would have been the first time in several years that she had been asked for the number.

After Mary left, I walked into the bedroom where Kate was resting. I told her I had heard that they went to Panera. Kate said yes then added, “She is great.” This is working out.

Bouncing Back After Kate’s Stomach Issue

Ever since Monday afternoon (3 days ago), Kate has felt fine, and she has been in an especially good mood. Yesterday she received the sitter as though they were old friends. She was outside working when the sitter arrived. I was already dressed for the Y. Even though Kate has accepted the sitter each time, I still like to make a formal handoff; so I walked the sitter to the front yard where Kate was sitting down on the edge of the flower bed. I said, “Anita is here. I think I will leave it in your hands.” Kate responded, “I think we can handle it.” I left, once again feeling good that she continues to be so accepting.

One of the things I am learning is that four hours doesn’t allow as much time as I could sometimes use. To go from our house to the Y, exercise, shower and dress takes a full two hours. If I have a meeting, that will take at least an hour. That leaves only an hour to run other errands without counting the drive time home.

This is causing me to consider what kind of schedule I want to work out. There may be times when an extra hour would do the job. Because Kate doesn’t like to stay in one place for 4-5 hours, I might encourage the sitter to take her to a Panera or similar place where they could get something to drink. Kate could work on her iPad. On the other hand, at some point I know that I will want to add an additional day. I don’t feel I am quite ready to leave her four days a week even if it is only for four hours each time.

We are going to get our hair cut in another hour. That is an event that we have worked out well. We go to the same person. We go together. I always let her go first. While she is getting her hair done, I often run short errands. When she has her hair colored, that gives me a little more time.

Tonight we will go to Casa Bella for something new. We have been attending Opera Night the first Thursday of every month for several years. When they added Broadway Night on the third and fourth Thursdays, we started going to one of those. They are introducing Jazz Night on the second Thursday. I think tonight is the first night. Kate is not a jazz enthusiast, but the person for whom the trio is named is a retired professor of music at the university and someone we have known for about 40 years. As always, we will sit with a couple who are in their 90s. The wife is the daughter of the woman who opened the restaurant many years ago. We enjoy their company as well as the music. It should be another great evening.