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Good Times

The past few days have been busy ones but full of good experiences. On Friday we went to Nashville to visit the Greeleys. We both enjoy them. Scott had just arrived home from a class in which he was showing his photos from their trip to Africa last September. It was a dreary, rainy day. We had lunch that Jan had prepared; so we didn’t worry about going out until dinner. We didn’t get home until after 9:30, but the trip had been well worth it. Kate still gets along well in situations like this. She does occasionally make slips when she is talking, but I believe I am the only one who would know it. For example, she told a story of her trip to Mexico City when she was in high school. She mixed in a story from our trip to Colombia in 1976. She said she had asked the wife and mother of the family she was staying with where the maid lived and was taken to a small room off the kitchen. This is something that actually happened when we arrived at our place in Cali, Colombia.

Saturday morning we went to the regional auditions for The Metropolitan Opera. This was our first time to do this, and I wasn’t sure that Kate would want to stay for the whole thing. She enjoyed it so much that we stayed right through the announcement of the winners around 4:30. It had started at 10:00. It was a wonderful day of entertainment. These were extremely accomplished singers from 15 states and 1 from Canada. We also saw a number of people (8-10) we know. It was fun to talk with them during breaks.

Last night we attended a concert by a European opera company that has been coming to Knoxville for the past 5 years or so. They had several singers who performed highlights from operas by Rossini, Puccini, and Verdi. It was outstanding. Once again, Kate loved it. Our seats were on the second row, and there was no one sitting on the front row. We both like to be close; so this added to the pleasure of the evening.

The only down side of the day was the short time after we had come home from the auditions and before we left for dinner and the concert. We didn’t have much time, and Kate decided to change clothes. At one point when I felt she needed to know that it was time to leave, I started back to her room and started to gently ask how she was coming along. She shouted at me, “Leave me alone. Don’t say anything.” When she came out, he was wearing something old that was fine, but she could have been wearing one of her new clothes we had bought. By the way, that morning before the auditions, she had told me, “I’ll be ready when I get ready. Don’t say anything.” We had a similarly tense moment this morning getting ready for church. The moments when we are trying to get ready continue to be the most challenging one’s for both of us.

As we were going eat lunch today, she pointed to a couple walking a dog along the street. She said, “Now look at that couple.” I then said, “Have you seen them at Panera?” She gave me a dirty stare. The reason I asked is that she commonly asks me to look at someone in a restaurant like Panera Bread. Then she tells me she wants me to remember them because she has seen them before. I don’t know whether or not she has seen them before, but this kind of behavior on her part is new within the last year or so. It happens pretty frequently.

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Little Things

Today Kate and I met with the visitation committee at church. As is our custom, committee members brought birthday cards for those with birthdays. When we arrived, Kate started to take a single seat to two other people. That would have meant we were not seated together. This is not a significant issue in terms of our relationship. It’s just that in the past she would have automatically sat in a place where I might sit beside her. I have noticed this in a couple of other instances when we have been out with Ellen, for example, a movie.

Kate’s birthday had been the week before and our custom is for each member of the committee to bring a birthday card for anyone who had not been recognized at the previous meeting. The woman chairing our group pointed out that Kate was to sit in a special seat reserved for her. It was the place where the birthday cards were on the placemat. She took the appropriate seat, but I don’t believe she understood that she had birthday cards in front of her. About 15-20 minutes into the meeting, I asked if she were going to open her cards. She hesitated a moment and then started opening them. Knowing that she would not be able to remember, I reminded her that the person receiving the cards usually passes them around for everyone to see. She looked confused and asked if I had a pen. Realizing that she still didn’t understand that the cards were for her, I told her they were her cards, and she didn’t need to sign the cards. This is just another reminder that she is often confused regarding what is going on around her. It is almost like she isn’t even listening. This happens even when it is just the two of us.

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Lunch Experience

Kate and I just got back from lunch. Here are a couple of examples of the kinds of behavior that I see as routine. While I ordered, she went to the drink machine to get a Dr. Pepper. It is a new type of dispenser that has about 30 different drinks. You press the appropriate logos to select the drink you want. Then you go to a different screen that permits you to dispense the drink into your cup. I saw that she was puzzled and that she had Dr. Pepper but no ice. She came back to the counter to ask where she could get ice. The person went to the machine with her and showed her how. It turns out that although it is a fancy high-tech machine, the ice is dispensed just the way it is in any other drink machine. The fact that the machine looked so different I am sure caused her not to recognize how to get her ice.

When the sandwich arrived, she put a large amount of mustard on it. When she ate it, her hands got messy. She needed a napkin but didn’t see that they were on the table on my side. When she uses a napkin she does so like a child without opening it up. She used 5 napkins, and I gave her the one I had used at the end.

When we got in the car, I noticed that she had mustard on her slacks. She said she would have to get it off as soon as we got home, but she went back to her yard rather quickly; so I don’t know if she cleaned the mustard off or not. We leave in 25 minutes for a movie. These are all little things and things that any one of us might do. The difference is that they happen so regularly.

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Still Outside

I have now been home just over 3 ½ hours, and Kate is still outside working. This is obviously something she enjoys immensely because she usually is interested in eating around 11:00. It is almost 2 hours past that time. I am going out to let her know it is time for lunch.

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Always Something New

I just arrived back home from the Y. I usually stop by the office, but today is Martin Luther King’s birthday. Our office and many others are closed. When I arrived home, I looked for Kate in the house. I had seen the garage door to the backyard was open slightly and considered the possibility that she was working in the yard. Though the sun is shining, the temperature is in the lower 40s; so I really thought she would be inside. Once inside, I called to her and got no answer. Then I looked out back and saw that she was on the ground in the flower bed around the fence. I went out to see her. I asked if she were cold. She said she was but it was not too bad. She said she had on two sweatshirts and two pair of pants. I also called attention to the fact that she was wearing 3 baseball caps on her head. She seemed happy as a lark. I made no effort to encourage her to come inside. If she gets cold enough, I know she will come in. Although I can’t imagine deriving the same measure of pleasure from this kind of work, I accept the fact that it is important therapy for her. I reiterate something I have said before, one day I do expect that her pruning activity will be rewarded with new growth. I just fear that it will be too late for her to fully appreciate it.

Yesterday was the warmest day we have had in several weeks. The high was in the 60s. The sun was shining brightly. Kate spent more than 3.5 hours pruning. It was almost 7:00 pm when she came inside. That was almost an hour after dark.

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Changes and Expressions of Appreciation

Change is gradual and impossible to detect from day to day. On the whole, however, I would say that Kate has exhibited a number of changes in behavior. I take all of them as signs of her continued decline and drift away from me. I have noted her desire for independence a number of times. This is pretty strong and I believe the result of my trying to help her so much. She has become resentful of that and tells me that I don’t think she can do anything on her own. She is not far off base on this judgment. She makes so many mistakes that I find myself trying to head them off. She even resists taking my hand as we cross streets or go down stairs. I have offered numerous times to help her clean up the clothes in the three bedrooms. She won’t hear of it. She says she is working on it. In fact, recently she has been doing so. This past week I had planned for us to go to Panera during the morning while our housekeeper cleaned. She wanted to do so, but she started cleaning her office; so I let her do that. She was getting some satisfaction from doing it, and it really needs to be done. She works very slowly; so she didn’t get far. Then she messes up faster than she is able to clean up.

She is washing clothes more regularly, something else that I believe arises from her desire to be independent. It also comes, I think, from her not be able to do so many things that she gravitates to those things she is able to do.

I have commented on her developing a sense of humor. She hits me pretty hard for being so compulsive. Sometimes the way she says things doesn’t sound humorous at all. I am wondering if she isn’t moving toward being irritable. I hope not. It is much easier to take when I think she is teasing me. This is something I may say something about, but I don’t want to make her angry or try to get her in a conversation she is not equipped to handle. This is very delicate.

As I begin to look at all the things going on, I am more convinced that 2015 is not going to be a good year for us. I have talked to more people about her AD in the past few months, and I have been writing more in this journal during January than I have done in quite a while. That may signal something about me as well as about Kate. I am going through more frustration, sadness, and possibly fear of the future. I am in the midst of planning our trip to Switzerland in May and am wondering about modifying my plans to make things even more leisurely than I had originally planned. Rushing her is the worst thing I can do.

Let me also make a note about her expressions of appreciation. At the same time her irritability seems to be increasing, she is also expressing more appreciation. She frequently says, “You take such good care of me.” I believe she is truly sensing her decline and recognizes how much she needs me even as she is fighting for her independence. At any rate, I much prefer the appreciation than the irritability.

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A Moment of Realization

Although I have made it clear that Kate’s short term memory continues to decline, and I am looking at 2015 as a turning point to a more serious stage of Kate’s AD; sometimes there are moments that shake you just a little. Such a moment occurred yesterday afternoon.

Following our lunch, we were in Belk’s when I received a call from Ellen that she was locked out of her car and needed to get to a 3:00 pm appointment. I told her we would be there to pick her up and take her home to get a key. (First, I should say that Kate and I had gone to see Selma the day before. Because it covered events that were especially relevant for our generation, it had an impact on both of us. On the drive home, we talked about the movie and our memory of racism as we were growing up. Once home, Kate went to her computer and did some checking on the actual events as she often does after we have seen a movie.)

As we were driving to pick up Ellen, the radio was tuned to NPR. They did a segment in which they mentioned Selma. Then Kate said, “When are we going to see it?” I hesitated a moment, and she repeated her question. I told her we had seen it “yesterday.” She then hesitated a moment as though the significance of her memory lapse has startled her as well. Then she said, “Well, I remember my birthday luncheon” that had been the day before.

It is not unusual for Kate to forget things so quickly. This happens all the time, even during the same day or even after a few moments. The difference in this particular lapse was that the movie had had such an impact, we had talked about it, and she had explored the events on her computer after getting home. I took that as a signal that the AD is entering a more serious stage.

I want to add that after I had told her we had seen the movie, she thought about it a moment and then remembered that we had seen the movie. She specifically pointed out a number of things she had remembered correctly.

This morning before going to the kitchen to fix my breakfast, I reminded her that today would be a busy day for us. She asked what we were doing. I told her we would go to lunch and then to a memorial service for one of her PEO sisters at 1:00 and then go directly to a 90th birthday party for another mutual friend. Then tonight we are going to see Broadway Bound. Before going for my walk, I told her that our friends, the Robinsons, were not going to be able to attend the Live at The Met performance of The Merry Widow after all because the tickets were sold out. We had originally planned to go ourselves, but we have the memorial service and birthday party. While on my walk, I got a call from Kate saying that Ellen had called and invited us to go see The Merry Widow with her this afternoon. I told her we were going to the memorial service and to the birthday party. She simply didn’t remember. This kind of thing is happening all the time.

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Kate’s Birthday

At the moment we are both sitting in front of the fireplace on a cold, overcast day. It is a bit dreary but we have no rain. Kate  is having a good birthday. She got a call from Sharon, her cousin in Dallas. Ellen hosted a surprise birthday lunch at one of her favorite lunch places. She was totally surprised. I hadn’t mentioned anything about the lunch, and she never asked. One of the things I have noticed is that Alzheimer’s  has led to her not thinking about such things. It is easy to surprise her. She doesn’t read any clues that something is up. In this case, the only thing I said was thirty minutes before leaving. I told her we were going to meet Ellen for lunch.  She didn’t ask or say anything. She just went along the same way she would have on a typical day.

She has heard from a number of her Facebook friends. Several of those were responding to a video I had posted on my Facebook page as well as hers. I had selected pictures of her at different ages and places from 1941 to 2014. This was a short video (about 13 photos), but it gave a nice portrait of our lives together, especially places we have traveled.

This leads me to point out something else that is indicative of her Alzheimer’s. She hasn’t thanked me, hasn’t asked how I made the video, or even how I found two of the pictures which I had gotten out of an album her father had made before she was five or six. In the old days, she would have acted very differently.

The big hit was the luncheon. She was taken by surprise and mentioned it several times after we got home. I am so glad Ellen did this.

Tonight we go our for dinner. Since we eat out every night anyway, that will seem like an ordinary dinner.

I am trying to imagine what she will be like next year at this time. It hurts to think about it.

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Everyday Confusion

We are sitting here in front of the fire. I have the Cowboys-Packers playoff game on. About 10 minutes ago, I showed Kate a video that a friend  had posted on Facebook. It shows a cruise ship in rough seas. The first part of the video was taken from a helicopter or plane of the ship bobbing up and down as well as left and right. The second part of the video was shot from a camera in a dining or lounge. The latter video shows people, tables, chairs, and other non-fixed equipment sliding from one side of the room to the other and back again. It is staggering to watch. It would certainly reinforce any fears of cruising that anyone might have. Kate started to put the iPad down after the first part, and I told her to keep watching. She never said a word. When the video was over, I asked if she understood what was happening. She said no. I then explained. Then she understood. I then said, “I should have given you the explanation before just asking you to watch it.” She gave me a glaring look and nod of agreement. This is a common occurrence when I am telling her something. The difference is that in most instances where I have not given a proper setup it is usually harder to understand than this video. This is a very clear video of exactly what it is. The fact that she did not understand explains why she does not react or understand so many other things in conversation or on TV or in movies. She is further along that even I fully realize.

This brings to mind another clothing issue that came up before our going to lunch. When I arrived home from Sunday school (she didn’t want to go to church again today), she had not dressed to go out. She told me she was trying to find something to wear. Thinking about the 5 pair of slacks we had just bought on Thursday and the turtleneck sweaters she has still not worn, I asked if she would like me to help. She told me no and to “leave me alone.” I said “you really don’t want my help. You want to do it yourself.” She replied with an emphatic, “Yes.” When she came out to the family room for us to leave, she was wearing old clothes. There was nothing wrong with what she was wearing, but I fear that she has no idea where the 5 pair of slacks are located.

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Everyday Examples

Last night we went to a symphony concert. I made dinner reservations. She decided to take a nap before going out. Knowing that getting ready, especially getting ready on time can be stressful for both of us, I told her we would leave in an hour and twenty minutes. When we had about 35 minutes before leaving, I told her it was time to get ready. She got up willingly and right away, something she hasn’t always done in the past. I mentioned that because of the cold, she might want to wear one of her new turtleneck sweaters, none of which she has yet worn. Two of them were purchased in early fall, the third we bought this past week. She was immediately offended by my suggestion. She reacted abruptly and asked me to “just leave me alone.” I did so. When we were 5 minutes away from departure time, she came into the family room fully dressed and asked me, “Is this too casual for tonight?” It was too casual and is something she wears quite regularly. The cut itself, not long sleeve and a large opening at the neck, was not right for a cold night. I suggested she try one of the turtlenecks. She then went into a panic from which she did not fully recover until we were on the way to the concert after dinner.

At the restaurant, we bumped into the pastor at our local Unitarian church as we walked in. He was with a friend, and we chatted with them a few minutes before sitting down at our table. You would have never thought there was anything wrong. Once we were seated, however, her posture and the expression on her face clearly indicated she was trying to calm herself down from her panic. She didn’t talk except in response to my questions, and I tried not to talk too much because she was not in a talking mood. (I might add that I have created a playlist of soft relaxing music on my iPhone. I played this from home to the restaurant and from the restaurant to the concert and then back home. It is a mixture of classical (mostly) and popular music. I put this together just for these situations and use it fairly frequently; so frequently that I periodically move the order of the pieces so that it does not seem so repetitious as well as making sure songs nearer the end of the playlist actually get played.)

When I drove into the line for valet parking, she said she wanted to get out and go inside because it was so cold. We usually get out of the car together. This time I said, “OK. I’ll meet you inside” and paid the valet. Then I went inside to meet her. I went in the main entrance where we usually enter. I didn’t see her. I saw quite a few other people that I know and asked if they had seen Kate. No one had. Then I started walking around the lobby area and even went upstairs where we would enter to reach our seats. I still didn’t find her. When the lobby cleared out, it was easier to see who was left. It was clear she wasn’t on the side where we usually enter. I walked to a desk on the other side where I saw someone I know and asked if she had seen Kate. She had not. Then I looked a little beyond her and saw Kate waiting on the other side of the lobby. I don’t know exactly why she was in that spot, but I do know she does not remember locations very well. I suspect she got out of the car and went into the hall through another entrance. This would have required a further walk since I was letting her out near the main entrance, but she could easily have forgotten about that entrance. Interestingly, she was not in a panic although she was a little irritated that I had taken so long. I didn’t even ask how she happened to be there. I have learned that she does not like to discuss such things. I believe it is because it is hard for her to remember how something like this occurred. She can’t explain it. Anyway all turned out well. The concert was not an exciting one for her. It was clear by looking at her that she was ready to go home before the first note was played, but she never said a thing.