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Our last day in Texas

Before leaving Knoxville yesterday, Kate and I made our usual stop at Panera where we both got muffins. Then we made a trip to the cemetery where we visited the Franklin family plot. We stopped at the graves of each person and sensed the memories of our experiences with them. There were a few who died before I became a part of the family, but I had a great sense of the story of this particular family and how close they had been.

We stopped a little longer at the graves of Kate’s mother and father and an infant daughter. It was an emotional moment for both of us. I believe it was especially so for me because I believe this will be Kate’s last visit to this place before she passes. The tears welled up in my eyes as we stood in that place.

From there we moved on to Dallas where we will catch our plane to Nashville this morning. We drove directly to the home of a childhood friend of mine with whom I have been in contact since the third grade when we met, Carter Owens. One of my earliest memories of him occurred during the 1948 presidential race between Truman and Dewey. He was a big Truman supporter. I am sure most of the other fourth graders hardly new who Truman was. This interest in politics has lasted the rest of his life. He is now a retired political science professor.

We met Carter at his home where he lives with his partner and now husband, Michael. They married shortly after we were with them two years ago. We had lunch at a nice French restaurant that was rather quiet for our extended conversation. We had a lot to catch up on. After lunch, we continued the conversation at their home. Kate and I both enjoy their company and had a pleasant afternoon.

Around 4:00 we left for our hotel near the airport. We had a fitting close to a very good week. It was everything I wanted it to be. Kate had seen all of the family living in Fort Worth as well as the people who have been most special to her for many years. I wish she were able to savor the memories. Since that is not possible, I am at least glad she was able to enjoy the time she had with each one.

 

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Incidental Happenings

2017-10-23 (7:44 pm)

Yesterday afternoon Kate and I went to a skilled nursing facility for a visit with the mother of a friend who lives near us in Tennessee. The friend’s mother invited us to have a seat. Kate took hers on a love seat with a table beside it. The friends mother had glass of water on the table. Apparently, she had been drinking it before we arrived. As we were talking, Kate up the glass and took a drink out of it. Our friends mother picked it up and took it to the kitchen and brought Kate a fresh glass of water. I chuckled to myself because I have had this experience quite a number of times.

Tonight we are staying in a hotel near the airport in Nashville where we will catch our plane home in the morning. We drove to a pizza place near the hotel. When I opened the door to the car for Kate, I noticed that she had taken her glass from the restaurant. I called attention to it and returned it. This is not the first time this has happened. It is not a typical thing but there have been as many as five times she has done this at restaurants.

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What does it mean to “know” someone?

This is a question I would like to explore in another post. It’s too late to start answering a question like this tonight. Let me simply mention something that happened today that prompted my query.

As Kate and I walked to our car after saying goodbye to our son, Kevin, his wife Rachel, and their son (our grandson), Brian, Kate asked, “Who is that boy?” I said, “That’s Brian.” She said, “Who are his parents?” I said, “Kevin and Rachel.” What makes this intriguing is that she had just spent almost two hours with a group of about a dozen family members including Brian and his parents (our son and his wife). We had also had lunch with them yesterday. In anticipation of our seeing them, I had mentioned Brian several times during the trip preceding yesterday’s lunch. Each time she was puzzled and asked, “Who are his parents?” Each time I explained.

I am fairly confident that when she was with Brian and his parents that she had a sense of who he is. It seems equally clear that when she asks the question, she does not know who he is. We normally think about an Alzheimer’s patient as either knowing or knowing others. This experience suggests to me that knowing is more than that. It’s a continuum. I think this deserves further exploration.

 

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A Great Day with Family and Close Friends

2017-10-22 (8:05 pm)

Today’s highlight was a family reception following church. We met in the parlor where the family had attended many events over the years. This included wedding receptions for several of us who were in attendance. It was a very informal gathering made special because we don’t get together very often anymore. We took lots of pictures that I am sure we will treasure in the years to come.

We went back to our hotel after the reception. Later in the afternoon, Kate and I visited two friends at a senior facility. One is my former professor with whom I had lunch on Friday. The other is the mother of a good friend who lives in Nashville.

We went directly from this visit to take another friend to dinner. Naomi has meant a lot to us. For years she was a member of Kate’s mother’s Sunday school class. During the late 1990s, after Kate’s mother had suffered a stroke, Naomi served as her caregiver. It meant a lot to Kate to have someone who knew and loved her mother to manage the onsite care that was needed. Even then Kate traveled back and forth between Knoxville and Fort Worth to see her mother and take care of lots of details.

During dinner, we talked about lots of memories. Kate loved it. I think Naomi did as well. It was a perfect close to our reunions with friends in Fort Worth.

 

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Flexibility Required

2017-10-21 (5:39 pm)

We’ve had a nice day. We made another visit to Sadie’s café for a cranberry scone and a large slice of pound cake, one of my favorites. We were there for about an hour before coming back to the hotel for another hour. As we were leaving the hotel room, Kate said, “Haywood Park.” I knew she was trying to show me that she recalled the name of our hotel. Of course, it was wrong again. I didn’t say anything, but the look on my face must have given away my thoughts. She said, “That’s not right?” I shook my head and told her it was the Hilton. She accepted it without a problem.

We met our son, his wife, their son as well as Kate’s brother, Ken and his wife, Virginia, at our favorite BBQ place for lunch. It was good to see each of them. We had seen our son in September, but it had been June since we had seen the others. It was especially nice to see our grandson who is now a freshman at TCU.

At lunch, we learned that the powers that be had decided to “stripe” the stadium by having people in certain sections wear black shirts while others wore gold, the University’s school colors. The section in which we were to sit was asked to wear black, and we didn’t have black shirts. To rectify this, we stopped by a shop and bought black golf shirts with the WF embroidered in gold on the front.

We got back to the hotel where Kate wanted to rest. It wasn’t too long before she wanted to get out of the room. This, as I may have said before, is not unusual. I suggested we go to Panera where we are planning to meet Ken and Virginia in the morning. Just before 5:00, I suggested we go back to the hotel before leaving for the football game at 5:30 or shortly thereafter.

When we got back to the hotel, we discovered that all the parking spaces were occupied. We ended up parking on the street about a block from the hotel. As we did this, I noticed a lineup of buses with TCU colors. It appeared that they were going to the stadium. I thought this was fortuitous as I didn’t really want to drive the car to the stadium and fight the traffic. I checked and learned that it is a free shuttle service to and back from the stadium.

Then we walked back to the room where Kate had wanted to rest before leaving for the stadium. We hadn’t taken but a few steps when she said, “Do we have to go to the game?” I hesitated a moment and said we didn’t have to go but that I had wanted to go. We tossed this around a few minutes, and I decided it was better not to push her even though she had said she would go. We came back to the room where I sent a text to our son and his wife informing them of our decision. Then I took our tickets to the front desk of the hotel and asked the man behind the desk if he knew someone who might like the tickets. He did.

The truth is that I didn’t have my heart set on the game at all. I did believe it would have been nice to be with our son and his wife for the game. It was that experience and not the game itself that was important to me. I also have to confess that I’m the kind of person who makes plans and then follows through on them. Thus, it requires a good bit of adaptability to decide not to go to a game for which we bought tickets a couple of months ago, bought shirts for a few hours ago, and came back from Panera to get ready to go to the game an hour ago. On the other hand, it illustrates two things I believe are relevant. The first is that living with Alzheimer’s involves lot of changes in plans. Second, it illustrates the importance of adaptability. If I were less adaptable, I would be miserable. As it is, I am disappointed, but I understand the need for the change. I feel for people who have more difficulty making this kind of change.

 

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Up in the dark

About 2:30 this morning, Kate got up to go to the bathroom. I woke up quickly enough that I was able to turn on the light beside the bed. As usual, she took a good while before returning to bed. I discovered this morning that she didn’t quite make it to the toilet in time which is not a rare event whether at home or while traveling.

When she got back into bed, she said enthusiastically, “I love this house.” I asked why, and she answered, “Everything is so close.” I didn’t go any further. I was just glad she was happy.

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Another Successful Day

2017-10-20 (9:29 pm)

In my previous post, I indicated my optimism that today would be another good day for Kate. I am happy to report that I was right. The main event was a lunch with four childhood friends of Kate’s. A couple of month’s ago, I had spoken with one of them, Laura Williams, about our planning to attend homecoming this year. In that conversation, Laura asked if there was anything she could do for Kate. I mentioned the possibility of getting several other old friends together for lunch. She said she would love to arrange that. At the time we were thinking about their going out to lunch someplace. When it came close to the time of our trip, Laura told me that another of her friends wanted to host them at her house. She had done that once before several years ago.

Laura chose two other friends who had also been close to Kate growing up. We talked about an appropriate number. I said having five including Kate was ideal. I tried to prepare Kate for this lunch by mentioning it to her a number of times over the past few weeks including the names of each of the four friends who would be there. I was not at all surprised when she could not remember either who the friends were or that we were even making the trip home.

This morning she seemed particularly concerned about getting their names correct. Several times she asked me to tell her the names again. This always came after my mentioning the lunch she was going to. Without these prompts, I don’t believe she would have even remembered that she was going to lunch with anyone.

As we were driving to lunch, she kept rehearsing the names of her four friends. I don’t recall that she ever got all four of them. Sometimes she struggled to get one. I told her I didn’t think she needed to worry about the names as she would remember the people when she saw them, and she wouldn’t have to call them by name. Of course, that didn’t stop her from trying.

I thought it might be good to remind her of our children and grandchildren. That led to a shortened version of the same kind of rehearsal of their names. It is only in moments like this that I really have evidence of how poor her memory has become. In much of our ordinary conversation, she is not required to use specific names or places etc. It is times like these when I am saddened. Other times I tend to think she is doing better than she really is.

I knew Kate’s time with her friends would go well the moment we arrived. All four of them greeted her warmly, and they immediately started getting updates from everyone. While Kate was at her lunch, I picked up a former professor and mentor for lunch.

When I returned to pick up Kate, they all told me what a wonderful time they had had. Two people specifically thanked me for suggesting this opportunity. I was touched by the reception Kate received as well as the joy on her face.

The hostess, Linda Turner, told me that an old friend, Marjorie Eggleston, lived nearby and would love to see us if we had time. Marjorie is now 93 and in a wheel chair, but her mind is sharp. She and I often spent some time together chatting at various family celebrations. We thought of ourselves as buddies at that time. It was good to see that we still feel the same after all these years. Kate was equally thrilled to see Marjorie as her parents had been close friends of Marjorie’s husbands parents. They had been like an aunt and uncle to Kate.

As thrilled as she was to see Marjorie, Kate was also confused. She kept thinking that Marjorie was her husband’s mother whom she thought of as an aunt.

We ended the day with a reunion dinner at TCU. There were very few people there whom we knew, but it was nice to see them.

It turned out to have been as nice a day as I had hoped.

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An Early Start on the Day

We had a quiet evening after getting to Fort Worth yesterday afternoon. We had dinner at the Italian Village, a long-time favorite of Kate’s parents and of ours as well. We spoke with two of the children of the original owner. They remember Kate’s parents and their friends. It was a nice beginning to our weekend here.

We slept well until 3:15 when Kate got up to go to the bathroom. I am always concerned about this. On several occasions she has gotten up and tried to open the door to the hallway thinking she was going into the bathroom. At least once she had actually walked down the hall before I caught her. These experiences remind me of my father’s telling me that he had tied a string between his arm and my mother’s to prevent such things. I didn’t understand at the time. It is all too clear now.

It is somewhat more complicated at this particular hotel. I usually leave the light on in the bathroom and crack the door open enough to serve as a night light. At this hotel, the light only remains on for a certain amount of time. Then it clicks off automatically. For that reason, Kate struggled to find the bathroom. I told her to walk straight ahead and then open the door on her right. First, she tried to open the door to the adjoining room which is on the left. I repeated that she should turn to the right, but, of course, the door on her right was now the door to the hall. She tried that. I had the security latch on which prevented her getting to the hall. I told her again to look for the door on the right. She got it.

As usual, she was in the bathroom a long time. I began to be concerned that she might be having a problem and asked several times if she needed help. She said she was fine. Finally, she came back to bed. By this time, I was wide awake. I kept thinking about things to do and concerns about Kate and future travels and all sorts of other obligations. About 4:15, I got up and ran in place for about ten minutes. I have found that this helps me to relax once I am back in bed. It worked. I didn’t go back to sleep immediately, but I did get back to sleep. I didn’t wake up until 7:30, a rare event for me.

I got up and dressed. Then I went downstairs to see about breakfast. The hotel offers a continental takeout breakfast. I got two of those and came back to the room. Kate had gotten up. I ate my breakfast. She ate a muffin a drank her orange juice. Then she took a shower and dressed. At this point it was 8:45. She was ready to get out of the hotel room. I suggested we take our iPads and go to Sadie’s Cafe, a breakfast and lunch place that is owned by former neighbors of her parents. We were over there for an hour before coming back to our room where Kate has been resting.

We leave in 15 minutes. I have arranged for Kate to have lunch with four of her childhood friends at the home of one of them. I have repeatedly told Kate about this and the names of the people who will be there. She still couldn’t repeat them if I asked her to; however, these are people she will recognize and with whom she should Be quite comfortable. I am very optimistic about this.

While Kate is having lunch, I am picking up a former professor and taking him to lunch. He was very important in my career. He encouraged me to pursue sociology at a time when I was struggling to figure out what kind of career to pursue. We, too, should have a good time.

 

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The End of our First Day in Texas

2017-10-18 (10:01 pm)

Late this afternoon we met our friends Nancy and Charlie Hardwick. Kate had known Nancy in junior high and high school. Charlie and I had been roommates at TCU during our sophomore year. We have visited them a number of times over the years when we were in Denton where Nancy has lived for more than 28 years. This is a second marriage for both of them. Charlie was diagnosed with dementia more than five years ago. Nancy had told his friends about him several months before our 50th class reunion. That means that he and Kate were diagnosed about the same time. Either he was diagnosed later than Kate or the progression of his illness has been more rapid as he is further along on his journey. In fact, I got a text from Nancy before we met saying that Charlie would not remember us.

We met at a restaurant near their house. When we walked in, Nancy told us that when she mentioned that they were going to meet us for dinner, Charlie said, “You mean Kate Franklin?” At least he remembered her name. As we got out of the car, Kate said, “You’re going to have to do all the talking for me.” That turned out not to be true at all.

We had a delightful time with them. We simply picked up where we had left off when we last saw them two years ago. We took pictures and reminisced about our college days and exchanged information about the college friends with whom we had kept up. I believe all four of us were disappointed that we might not have this experience again. I know that Charlie and Kate will not have thought that, but Nancy and I did.

As we walked to the car, Kate said, “Were they just passing through town?” I said, “No, they live here.” She said, “Where are we?” I told her we were in Dallas (again). Despite these moments of confusion, this was one terrific day. I am sorry it is over but know there is more to come.

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Demonstrating Independence

2017-10-18 (10:09 am)

Kate had a couple of muffins and orange juice that I brought to the room this morning. Then she took and shower and dressed for the day. Because I have learned on past trips that she doesn’t know where she is when she gets up, I made a point of telling her we were at the Residence Inn in Nashville and that we would be having lunch with her cousin. After getting dressed, she said, “What now?” I told her that her cousin would be coming to get us in a little over an hour and that we had time to relax on our own until then. Then I asked if she would like to go to the hotel lobby or to Starbucks. She wanted to go to Starbucks. It is almost across the street; so we walked. As we were walking, she said, “Ask me where we are staying.” I was surprised as she had never done this before. She proudly answered “Haywood Park.” I smiled but said nothing. That is the hotel we stay in while we are in Asheville. We have stayed there many times since 2002, three times Since Memorial Day this past May.