Big Week for Communications

Coming off the holidays, I have had a more relaxed scheduled. Perhaps that is what led me to take a number of steps to communicate with some people that I don’t regularly communicate with.

On Wednesday or Thursday, I sent a letter to Ken and Virginia via email updating them on our situation here. I have felt a need or responsibility to communicate with them much more than I have in the past. It has been over a year since we told each other about Kate’s and Ken’s illnesses. Since there are so few people who know, I have felt that I should reach out to them and make sure they know that I care about their situation as well as our own. I posted this exchange below. I trust it will lead to further exchanges in the future.

I also called Betty,my dad’s brother’s wife, to make sure that she knows. After a fairly lengthy conversation, I told her that I wanted to update her on things in Knoxville and thought that she might very well know what I am about to tell her. It turns out that she had believed that Kate was in the early stages of dementia. I thought that she might have suspected because of her times with Kate during the past few birthday celebrations for Dad. I was correct. She related a number of things she had observed, mostly during the days leading up to Dad’s 100th birthday.

Yesterday I called my former dentist. I have known for quite some time that his wife has dementia. His son, my current dentist, had suggested that I call his dad. I am not quite sure that I called to get tips or simply to connect with somebody going through what I am experiencing. Whatever the reason, I did find that his wife is much further along than Kate. That means he is feeling the need for support more than I am at the present time. He told me a little about his wife and his struggles. I told him a little about ours. At the end, we agreed to get together periodically. He seemed interested, if not eager, to do so. I told him I would take the initiative and call him to arrange something.

Finally, I had an hour-long conversation with our son, Kevin, yesterday morning. This one was initiated by him. He has been interested in staying in touch and doing whatever he able to do since I told him of Kate’s Alzheimer’s almost a year ago. During our conversation he mentioned once again the possibility of his making a trip to Knoxville, perhaps along with our daughter, Jesse, just to stay in touch with Kate. He really wants to do whatever he can to help her. I told him there is really very little he can do except to stay in touch with her. She loves to hear from her children and grandchildren. We specifically talked about a visit in March.

I have enjoyed the communications with these people and should make an effort to do more of it in the future. I do recognize that I am like my father in that I am energized by interaction with other people. As Kate continues to decline, I will probably need more of this to keep my spirits up. In my conversation with my former dentist, he said that he missed being able to have a conversation with his wife. He also noted that his social contact had diminished as his wife had declined. He noted that even her best friend only stopped by about twice a month. I have seen this with Dad. More importantly, I have noticed how this has happened in my contact with other people who are now in nursing homes or confined to their own homes. This means I will have to work hard to keep from becoming isolated. I hope that I will be as successful at this as my dad was.

In all my communications I have tried to convey that up to this point, Kate’s and my relationship has been strengthened and that we are enjoying ourselves despite the adjustments we are both making. Right now, for example, we are sitting in front of the fireplace. It is a cold morning, and I know how much a fire means to her; so I built one. This is not a great sacrifice on my part. I also enjoy it. During the past 3 winters, I have made it a practice to have more fires than we had prior to her diagnosis. It seems to comfort her. When she is comforted, I feel better as well. As they say, it is a “win-win situation.

I have been journaling while Kate works on her pictures. She also enjoys looking at them. Sometimes I think she gets more out of just remembering the past than preparing a photo book. As I have noted before, I do not expect that she will ever finish another one, but I don’t think that is what matters. It is wonderful that she has a project to work on in the same way that her work in the yard is good for her.

While I am writing, I should mention that this Thursday I took her to her monthly PEO meeting. She was to call me when I was to pick her up. I got the call around 11:30 while I was talking to Betty. When I got there, I noticed that all the cars were still parked on the street in front of the house. I went to the door and rang the bell. The woman who was hosting that day answered the door and said they were still meeting. I told her Kate had called me. She said she knew but that she thought Kate had forgotten that they hadn’t yet had their program; so I waited in the living room until they were through (about 20-25 minutes). This just an example of the many points of confusion that occur each day.

On the way home from PEO Kate told me that she had volunteered to have the meeting at our house in April 2016 and was going to give the program. She plans to do a program on the wild things we do in our youth. She is going to tell about our trips with our children to Spain and France and to Colombia. The first thing I thought of was what she would be like when the time comes. It wasn’t easy for her to host and do the December program, but by April 2016, I can’t imagine that she will be able to do it. Now I will consider whether to alert the program chair so that they can be prepared with a backup.

Short-term memory continues to be a big issue. Two weeks ago, perhaps less, we went to see Into the Woods. She saw a trailer for the movie this week and said, “that’s one that we’‘ll have to see.” She had completely forgotten that we had seen it.

As I have been writing, she asked me if I knew anything about The Judge. I told her that I did and gave her a little information. She had no recollection that she had asked me about this earlier this week. I didn’‘t tell her we have seen a trailer for this movie at the theater at least two times.

Wondering About The Future

Kate and I are fortunate that we are able to get along so well. We enjoy life and each other. At the same time, I believe I have also noted that she has had a gradual decline in her memory, primary short term but also long term memory.

Occasionally, I have raised a question about the future. For a long time, I was concerned about when to let the children know. Then I wrestled about when to tell others. I have told a number of people over the past year. I first told our pastor because he had noticed something different about Kate. Next was (I believe) Ken and Virginia right after Dad’s 100th birthday. In January of this year I told the children. After returning from New Zealand, I told Tom and Carl. This summer I told my staff. This fall I told the Greeleys and a couple at Chautauqua friends. I also told one of the church secretaries at church.

I am still wondering about telling two of Kate’s cousins. I am thinking of doing so in January. When I tell them, I will also feel the need to tell Naomi Richardson. She was the woman who had been a long-time friend her Kate’s mother. She also worked as a local manager of her mother’s everyday affairs including supervision of in-home caregivers.

More than wondering about when to tell people, I also wonder what life will be like this time next year. I am already looking carefully at our travel plans with the anticipation that it will be more difficult for us to travel after next summer. Right now the only foreign travel I have planned is to Switzerland in May. I think that could be our last foreign trip. In addition, we are planning a trip to New York in June with Jesse and her boys and Kevin and Taylor. The only other trip planned at this point is our annual trip to Niagara-on-the-Lake and Chautauqua at the end of July and the first week of August.

One reason I write on this now is my reflection on the very slow decline that Kate has experienced. I see that many things are more difficult for her now than in the past. One of those is in short term memory. She forgets things very quickly. It is as though it goes in and out of her brain at almost the same time. The other thing I notice is how difficult it is for her to use her computer.

I have just taken a 10-minute break to help Kate. She had been trying to send online Christmas cards while I was writing today’s journal entry. She told me she was going to take a break, that she was just too frustrated right now. I told her I would help her later in the day. I had also volunteered to do so after we returned from lunch, but once again, she tried to do this independently but just couldn’t do so. She keeps making simple mistakes that prevent her getting any cards out. These are not isolated incidents but very common ones.

A few minutes ago, she walked into the kitchen. She was trying to zip a jacket to wear outside where she is now pruning her plants. This is her therapy. She begins to go stir crazy in the house all day working on her computer or doing jigsaw puzzles. She started pruning months before Dad’s 100th birthday in early 2013 and hasn’t stopped since. In fact, the shrubs never did grow back fully during the summer. Though now is a good time to prune, they don’t need it. It simply gives her something to do that doesn’t frustrate her.

Back to the jacket. She entered the kitchen trying to zip the jacket. She gave up in frustration and asked me if I would zip it. When I tried to do so, I noticed that she had her jacket on inside out. This, too, is a common occurrence. It is increasingly difficult for her to differentiate such things. Once she put the jacket on the right way, I zipped it up, and she went outside to prune. In a moment, she called to me asking where her new clippers were. She was referring to the clippers we bought at Lowe’s on the way home from lunch. I know these must be the 7th or 8th ones I have bought for her since the beginning of spring. We both looked for them. She finally found them in the garage. She had put them in a good place, but not the usual place for them. She was pleased that she had found them and not I. Each time I solve a problem for her it is a setback for her. When she is able to solve her own problems, she feels better.

When we were at lunch today, I mentioned a couple of things to which she asked, “How do you remember those things?” She is amazed when people remember simple things because she cannot do so. Along this line she continues to give higher praise to others and to performances than I believe justified. This is a good quality, but I take it as a clear indication of her inability to differentiate the good from the bad or better said, what is good and what is outstanding. These and other things make me wonder what will she be like a year from now.

One final note. She expresses things that confirm that she doesn’t realize how far along she is. Last night, for example, while she was telling me about her plans for several books of family pictures she is working on, she said there was no hurry. There is plenty of time. I encouraged her thinking and told her she could just work at her own speed. There is no deadline. My prediction is that she will never complete any one of the three (I believe) she is working on. I am sure she will experience increasing frustration trying to work on the computer. That will surely mean that she cannot finish this project that she values so much. This is sad.

So How Are Things Going?

It is hard to believe that it has been a full month since I have updated this journal. I see that on Nov. 10 I started an entry but never finished it. I will do better this time.

Kate and I got back this past Friday (Nov. 28) from a trip to Texas. We flew into San Angelo and stayed a night with her brother,  Ken, and his wife, Virginia. The next day we drove to Fort Worth where we stayed two nights in the former home of one of her aunts and uncles. It is now called the Franklin House B&B. I had arranged this sometime ago and not told Kate. I wanted it to be a surprise. She loved being there as did Ken and his wife.

We met Naomi Richardson for lunch at Sadie’s Cafe. On Friday night we went  to Kate’s cousin’s house for barbeque. On Saturday we met Kevin and his family at Nate’s BBQ.  That evening we went to the TCU/Texas A&M football game in the new stadium. Although it rained, we had a good time.

On Sunday we drove to Lubbock where we stayed at the Residence Inn near Kevin’s house. We had a Mexican meal that night. On Tuesday we went to Rachel’s parents house. We then drove to a small town near Midland for lunch. That made for a nice day. We celebrated Thanksgiving at Ken and Rachel’s. Then we drove back to San Angelo on Friday where we caught our flight home.

There has been nothing of great import that has taken place since my last entry. Kate has had another appointment with her doctor. There was nothing to report on our end or on the doctor’s end. I would say that she continues to display some of the common symptoms that have happened pretty regularly over a long period of time. Our (my) biggest problem continues to be getting ready to go places. I may get a good taste of this as we prepare ourselves for several Christmas receptions, one of which is tomorrow night.

I would say that she has been somewhat more assertive about doing some things for herself. For example, I offered to help her with packing for our trip. She would have no part of it. As has happened on several trips in the past, she did not take enough underwear. One morning we had to go to Target for a bra. Another morning I went to Target for panties. One day, she put on a pair of my jeans. I never said anything. It gave her another change, they fit, and no harm was done. I don’t think she ever realized she had done this.

The first morning we were in San Antonio, she was looking for a bra and tossed clothes all over the bed. I volunteered to help and started putting clothes in drawers and the closet under the assumption if we got some things out of the way, it would be easier to spot her bra. I noticed that she took everything out of the drawers and put them in her suitcase. It turned out that she thought we were going home. The fact that it wasn’t even Thanksgiving did not strike her at all. One day during the week in San Antonio, she told Kevin about our staying at the Franklin House. She hadn’t recalled that we had taken him and his family through the house on Saturday.

She really enjoyed seeing people, especially her high school friends. She seems to be unusually enthusiastic and talkative when she gets together with people. I need to work harder on seeing that she gets more opportunities. We are together so much that we don’t talk that much. She is also getting a little stir crazy being in the house so much. Because of the cooler weather, she is not working in the yard nearly as much. That doesn’t’ leave her many things to do for stimulation.

We laugh a lot. She is much more prone to let me know about things I don’t do. Today, for example, I mentioned that I had not checked phone messages on our home line since our return. She wanted to know why I had not done it. Some of the things I consider to be cute. This week we had lunch at Panera. Each of us got, as usual, 2 napkins with our meal. Not noticing that she had two napkins, she reached over and took one of mine. It was only when I pointed out that she had taken my napkin that she realized she had napkins too.

On Friday morning in San Angelo she asked me if we were going home tomorrow. I told her we were going home “today.” She was ecstatic. Periodically through the trip home she expressed her eagerness to be home. Upon getting home and through the next day she continued to express her pleasure in being home.

In sum, we are doing well. I see no signs of depression on her part or mine. I do, however, recognize that she does not like being dependent on me to drive her everywhere. Today she also asked if I would build a fire for her to enjoy while I attended a meeting. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. She accepted that.

A New Observation

For a long time I have made a point of saying that the person with Alzheimer’s does in fact know they have the disease, and it frustrates them. In the past 2-3 months I have come to another observation. The Alzheimer’s patient is like all of us in that he or she does not recognize the basis of all behaviors. In Kate’s case, she is most frustrated by the difficulty she has performing tasks like working with the computer or remembering where she puts things. On the other hand, I don’t believe she has any recognition of the lack of care of thought with which she does things. I think it was those things that were the first signs something was wrong, not a problem with memory. Just yesterday she had an experience that may illustrate this lack of recognition.

She has lost several pair of clippers that she used to trim her shrubs. I know I have bought at least 3 or 4 since spring not including 2 I bought this past week. Day before yesterday she told me she had lost one of the 2 new ones. Yesterday she asked me to walk around the yard and help her look for them which I did. Neither of us found them. When she came inside, she said something like, “I just don’t know how I do this?” The way she said it, I was unsure whether this was simply an expression of frustration or if she really doesn’t know the cause of her behavior. I am well aware that she doesn’t recognize how far along she is, but I have assumed that she grasps the fact that her Alzheimer’s is what causes all the problems like this one. I believe I was wrong about that.

On an unrelated note, she came inside for some water about 45 minutes ago. When she saw me, she said, “I didn’t know you were here.” That made me stop and think about it. This is a Saturday morning, and I have been inside working on my SS lesson for tomorrow. She doesn’t usually know what day it is; so she was thinking it is just like every day. She works in the yard while I am at the office (though nowadays that normally occurs on MWF, not the other 4 days of the week). She was probably thinking I was coming home from the office. Then walked in the house only to see that I was here. Before going back outside, she asked me how long I had been at home. That gave me a jolt because I assumed she had grasped that I had been home all along. I thought a moment and said, “”Well, since I came home from getting my haircut yesterday afternoon.” She looked at me and said, “”That wasn’t funny.” I apologized, and she said, “”Well, it was a little funny.” I could not help wondering if she did not think it funny because I was making light of the fact that she can’t help getting mixed up on such things.

Two days ago, she asked me where the church directory was. I told her the last time I had seen it she had taken it out of the drawer in the kitchen where we kept it. She said, “”That’s scary.” This was said matter-of-factly. She wasn’t making a big deal of it but it seems to me interpreting the situation as one in which her Alzheimer’s could mean the directory could be anyplace. Indeed, I have looked around the house without success. It really could be anyplace.

Couldn’t Sleep

Kate and I got to bed early last night (8:45). I knew I would wake up early. I just didn’t know it would be 3:30. I tried to get back to sleep but my mind kept thinking about Kate’s condition and the problem of her clothes and getting ready to go places. It makes me think that next summer life will be different for us. Since her diagnosis January 21, 2011, I have wondered how much time we have left when we can live a reasonably normal life. I am now seeing signs of the beginning of the end. I must admit that it frightens me.

We went in the pool around 6:30 last night. As we talked, she mentioned wanting to go to Ireland. We discussed doing that in early June 2015. Reflecting on that now, I am not at all sure that will work. If we go with a group, we will face the problem of needing to meet daily schedules that are likely to cause more panic attacks for her. If we go on our own, we face the challenges of travel from one location to another as I don’t think we can find a single location that will let us take day trips to all the places we would want to see. Being realistic, of course, it would be another trip like New Zealand in that we would go without any intention of seeing or doing everything. We could just find a place and stay there. I will do my research and come up with something.

We have often talked about staying at Chautauqua for two weeks rather than just one. Next summer could be the time. I had better look into that soon in order to get the accommodations.

I finally got up at 4:30. I figured that I could accomplish something rather than just lying in bed. It is now 5:05; so it is not far different from a rather normal waking time for me. I will probably shave and eat breakfast and then go for a walk around 6:00. That will still give me time to read the paper before we go to church.

What Other People Notice

Although I have often said that most people, even those close to her, don’t recognize Kate’s Alzheimer’s, I do often wonder what kinds of things they do notice. Today Kevin called on his way to see an out-of-town client. We talked about an hour. He asked my impressions of two things that he and his children had noticed during our recent trip to Lubbock. The first involved his dinner with Kate the night we arrived. He had already told me how much he had enjoyed the dinner and how talkative she had been. Today he also said she seemed to talk so comfortably and said things that she had never said before. More specifically, he commented on how much she liked the meal and especially the waiter. He said she also talked about our family and Kate’s and my caring for our parents. I told him that it was. I indicated that especially now she seems to be in a period of time where she doesn’t dwell on her condition, is not in depression over it, and is more childlike that gets expressed in how much and what she says.

The second thing involves his children. He said they had noticed how frightened she was when we were out driving in the car. He wondered if that were something I had noticed. I told him absolutely. I was quite surprised the children had noticed and did not recall anything specific that happened in the car to cause the children’s perception but that it was correct.

He also said that Heather had recently talked with him about our care for parents and asked if he were going to be traveling to Knoxville more to take care of us. I thought this was an interesting thing for her to think about. It seemed to Kevin that she was encouraging him to do so.

The phone call was a good one. I told him how things were going and what changes I saw occurring. Specifically, I mentioned that she is more childlike, loves many things (the meal was perfect, the waiter was perfect, . . .) and that she seems to show less concern about her condition which I take as a significant shift in the progression of her illness. I didn’t at any time feel any intrusion on his part. It was just a good honest discussion of how things are going and what is happening.

Back Home and Taking Stock

We arrived back home from our trip to New Zealand on Thursday night, March 12. It was a truly fantastic trip, everything I had hoped it would be and more. Here are a few summary observations that are relevant to how Kate did on the trip and the state of things today.

Besides simply making the observation that the trip went well, I need to say that my guiding assumptions for the trip turned out to be correct. I deliberately chose for us to do the trip on our own rather than going with a group like Overseas Adventure Travel. I did this based on the fact that I felt under a good bit of pressure on our last trip with OAT to South America. There were so many times each day that we had to meet the group at a specific time that it put undue pressure on me to see that Kate was ready. That, in turn, put pressure on her that she does not like. Then we are both uncomfortable.

Second, I decided that we would go without any rigid plans other than the places we would visit and the lodging. I felt that we would do it in a leisurely way without worrying about trying to do everything. We would simply enjoy what we were able to do, and this is exactly what we did.

These two things made the trip go well. Even so, I felt a good bit of pressure during the entire trip. Prior to this trip I thought this might be the last trip of this type and duration. I am convinced of this now. It is simply too stressful for both of us. I think I will focus on more cruises in the future.

I am thinking this in large measure because of issues surrounding packing and unpacking her suitcase. This has been a problem for me on each of the recent occasions we have traveled. It is hard (no impossible) for her to plan what she needs to take with her. It seems she invariably doesn’t take enough underwear or socks. On the trip to South America and this one, there were occasions she wore my underwear and socks. When I tried to encourage her to take an ample supply of both of these items before the trip, she was resentful of my trying to tell what she should do when she feels she knows how to handle this kind of matter.

Prior to our packing, I did get her to agree that I would do the packing if she would give me the clothes she was to take. I noticed that she seemed to have a disproportionate number of pants and few socks and undergarments. To the best of my memory, she took 12 pair of slacks, 2 bras, 2-3 pair of panties, and 2-3 pair of socks. I bought her a duffle bag that had a bottom compartment in which I put all the slacks and a few other things likes blouses or jackets. I bought several packing bags in which I put all the others things in the top part of the bag along with 2 pair of shoes.

I did not expect her to remember where the items were, but I did want her to let me get things out for her and put them back. Nevertheless, she would start pulling things out of the suitcase. If she didn’t find what she wanted. she would throw the things on the floor. This meant that I was routinely re-packing. As the trip progressed, I was able to gain some control over this. I was never completely successful. I think this problem would be minimized on a cruise where we would not have to pack and unpack so frequently.

Even though our trip was leisurely there were times we had to be some place. That meant that there were times that I needed to prod her to get her ready. She moves very slowly and doesn’t like me to rush her. That is just as true at home as it is on a trip.

Additionally, there are many things she doesn’t understand. That can lead to problems when you are traveling. For example, in the Auckland airport, they have a line with a camera that takes a picture to match with your picture on your passport. This was new to me as well; so I didn’t realize until it was happening that I was having my picture taken. At any rate, I walked up to a doorway something like the security doorways at airports. There was a mark on the floor prior to getting to the doorway and a sign that asked that people wait behind that line until the person ahead was finished. Kate didn’t see it and walked up right behind me. The camera was “confused because there were two people. I got a message that they couldn’t clear me, that I would have to have special assistance. That meant that I had to go around another way and leave Kate to go through the line by herself. She was confused as to what to do. I had to coach her from the inside of the area where she was going.

The next time we went through equipment like this I was able to get through without any problem, but I think she moved while her picture was being taken; so she had to seek special assistance. Again, that left me on one side while she was on the other. Fortunately, there was visibility; so I could direct her where to go for help.

I also worried that we would get separated in some of the places we visited and knew that she would not know how to tell somebody where she was staying.

Despite these things, we really did have a great time and are looking forward to subsequent trips though they will be easier to manage than this one.

Reaching A Decision

I sent an email to Jesse and Kevin telling them I would like to talk with them this week at their convenience. I also told them I would like for them not to say anything to Kate. I am sure that will make them wonder what is going on, but that may be a good thing. It should result in their responding more quickly than usual. At any rate, after debating with myself over and over again, I was finally convinced last week that I should let them know about Kate’s AD. In fact, last week I composed an email like the one I sent today and then deleted it before sending. I hadn’t decided against telling them, but I felt the timing last week might have been difficult because I knew she was going with the boys to Alabama where her husband is working for several months.

Tomorrow is a relevant day for Kate and me though I don’t intend to say anything to her. It was 3 years ago tomorrow, January 21, 2011, that we met with Dr. Reasoner to hear the news about her tests for AD. On balance, I think things have gone well during that time. I say that because we are still able to enjoy so many activities together. I fear the next 3 years will not be as good to us. Clearly she has declined since her diagnosis. I also feel she is at a turning point. I only hope I am wrong.

Bouncing Back

I am sorry about that I haven’t written anything since before Christmas. I suppose that is an indication that nothing of major significance has occurred in the time frame. We did learn that Kate’s car was totaled and that they will send us a check for the estimated value of the car. Kate has raised the issue of getting another car, and I really think this is the time for her to stop driving. When she brought it up about a week ago, I suggested we talk about it later. She hasn’t brought it up again, and neither have I.

One good thing happened. She went to lunch with her friend, Ellen, on Monday and told her about the accident. Ellen volunteered to take Kate wherever she wanted to go. That led to Kate’s asking her to lunch on Friday while I had lunch with Mark Harrington. They went to Macaroni Grill for lunch, to Coldwater Creek for shopping, and then to a movie (Philomena). Kate got back home around 4:15 and had had a wonderful time. She has continued to talk about how much fun they had and what a good friend Ellen is. She also talked about how smart Ellen is, something she notes about many people she is around.

I can’t help wondering if Ellen may not be the first person with whom Kate shares her secret regarding her AD. I think that would be a relief for Kate. She still doesn’t want to make this public.

At lunch today Kate mentioned once again that she thought Ellen would really enjoy taking her places. She told Ellen that sometimes she just likes to take her computer to the library and work there for a change. Ellen said she would love to do that herself. Kate also talked about how comfortable she feels talking with Ellen.

This past Thursday I took Ellen to her PEO meeting. A few days before, I saw an email from the chapter president who asked her to bring some old archival documents that Kate had been keeping in our attic. Knowing that she would forget, I went to the attic and got them ready the day before the meeting. Then I put them in the car and took them in when I took her to the meeting. Inside I spoke briefly with one of the members who is planning to move to Florida before the next PEO meeting. I asked her how she was doing, and she said she was not doing well, that she was losing her husband who has dementia. I expressed concern and said that I would say an extra prayer for them. She responded by saying she would be praying for me too. Her look and the way she said it made it clear that she knows Kate’s situation as well. Previously I may have mentioned that Shirley Hazel probably knows because she had mentioned to me one time that Kate was having memory problems.

This brings to mind something that I have stated before and that is Kate doesn’t know how far along she is. She knows she is frustrated and finds herself less and less able to do routine things, but she still wants to make commitments or “plans for things in the future. After Thursday’s PEO meeting she told me that she had signed up for the program in December. That means she will host and present the program. At first I thought she might be thinking of doing a program on our trip to New Zealand, but she intends to do one on family Christmas traditions. I think that is one she will be able to do rather easily. It will also permit the other members to share their own family traditions. My point, however, is that she doesn’t begin to think that this task might be challenging for her at that time.

I also notice that she continues to be more apathetic about some things. For example, it wasn’t until this afternoon that she got her new clothes from Coldwater Creek out of the bag. In the past, she would have come right in and taken them out of the bag. She has gotten much better about washing clothes which has become “necessary” since losing our housekeeper. One thing she is not good about, however, is getting the clothes out of the washing machine and/or the dryer. This past week at least 3 days past after she had washed clothes that they were ready to be put up.

She is more irritable than she used to be. For example, as we were driving to lunch today, she said we need to go by a frame shop. I innocently asked why we needed to go there, and she got miffed and said, “Let’s not talk about it.” When we got home, I discovered that she wanted to stop by to look at a piece of artwork to go above the door from our family room into the hallway leading to our bedroom. I then recalled that she has mentioned that a number of times over the past year or more. She thought I should remember that even though she hardly ever mentions it.

On the other hand, I continue to find that she doesn’t make connections well. If we are talking about something or someone, and a few moments later I make a general reference like saying “she,” Kate doesn’t know who I am talking about.

We were with her brother, Ben, over the Christmas holiday. Everything went well. He went with us to Fort Worth where we went to Sadie’s Cafe for lunch, a cousin’s for dinner, and Sunday lunch with Naomi, a very dear friend of Kate’s mother. After dropping him off in New Braunfels and our heading back to Houston, Kate remarked at how smart Ken is and that she had a new appreciation for him. I like her feeling good about her brother and other people but sad that I think it comes because she finds herself so unable to do many things.

How Things are Going 5 Weeks after Dad’s Death

We just got back from Ellen Seacrest’s house where we had lunch with several other friends. Kate is taking a short nap before we head to a movie; so I thought I might make an observation or two on our current state.

All-in-all I think we are making slow but steady progress in our recovery. Surprisingly, I think Kate is having a harder time adjusting than I. I think that is due mostly to the fact that I have had a number of responsibilities with the  foundation, music club, and Sunday school that have kept me busier. Kate commented yesterday that she is finding herself not having anything to do. We have both talked about pursuing some kind of volunteer work. I have even gotten the name of a contact at one of our hospitals. I will contact her after the first of the year. I mentioned several different things I thought we might do, and working with children was the one Kate liked most.

I notice that Kate is spending much of her time playing Free Cell on her computer. I think that is because so many other things frustrate her. Also the weather has been colder. That makes it more difficult to be outside pruning the plants.

We went to New York last week and had a great time, but we can’t always be doing special things. Beginning now I need to make more effort to see that she is occupied in worthwhile/pleasurable activities. Otherwise, she will just vegetate. She can’t seem to focus on anything for any length of time. She started decorating the house for Christmas. I thought that was a good idea, but she stopped with garlands of greenery thrown on the floor or across the furniture.

Her short term memory is clearly getting worse. I think this is what is going to give her condition away to friends. She is very likely to ask the same question in relatively short time frame. This is beginning to happen a lot.

As we were coming home from the Ellen’s, she said she had talked with a man who told her that his wife “has the same thing that I have. What is that?” I told her it was Alzheimer’s. She, of course, remembered immediately. This is a frequent occurrence. Yesterday she asked me to tell her our passcode to listen to our voicemail. This is something she has been using for several years without a problem. Later in the day she had to ask me again.

I am struggling about telling the children. I want to honor her desire that they not know, but I feel I have benefitted by knowing. It means I make the most of the time we have together. The children don’t stay in as much contact with her. This is not anything that she even realizes, but I believe she would love it if she heard from them more frequently.

Yesterday I had just about made up my mind to tell them before her birthday in January. Today I am more doubtful. I don’t want the grandchildren to know. They might say something to Kate. Then Kate would know that I had betrayed her confidence. As I write this I am feeling like telling them anyway. I have a little time to think and will weigh the pros and cons.