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Feeling Grateful at Christmas

It’s 8:30 this morning. I’ve been up and had breakfast and a morning walk. Kate is still asleep. If she doesn’t wake up before 11:00, I will wake her. I don’t know what to expect, but I do know that we had a great Christmas Eve, the day and the evening. I am grateful.

Following the previous morning, I was relieved that she greeted me with a smile when I woke her yesterday. That set the tone for the whole day. Getting dressed and ready for lunch went smoothly. We were a little later than usual for our lunch. The restaurant was packed and noisy, but we got the last available table. The hostess had made miniature pecan pies and gave us a small bag to take home.

We were back at the house around 2:30. Kate rested while I took care of a few household chores. Then I read her a few chapters of Charlotte’s Web. This is our second time to read it, and we have only a couple of remaining chapters.

We had dinner at Bonefish Grill and were surprised when the hostess took us to a table with a Poinsettia and a present our server had brought for Kate.

From there we went to a Christmas Eve service at our church. I think it’s been about twenty years since we attended this service because we have been with our children for Christmas. It was good to see people we hadn’t seen in a while. We took a seat beside the man who served as director of music for over thirty years. I re-introduced him to Kate and seated her beside him. She couldn’t remember him. As we waited for the service to begin, she said, “I know I’m supposed to know you, but what is your name?” A few minutes later, she she said, “What’s the name of this church?” She didn’t understand his answer, and I told her. The music was beautiful, and Kate was moved by it. There was a part near the end when the congregation joined the choir in singing several carols. She sang along enthusiastically.

Once we were home, I turned on one of the many Christmas concerts that have been on televised. That turned out to be a fitting end to what was a very good day.

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The Therapeutic Value of Music and Reading

Kate and I have always enjoyed music and, especially, live performances. They have been fully integrated into our lives since her diagnosis. To start with I didn’t think of this as therapy. We were simply enjoying ourselves. A year or two later Kate experienced several panic attacks as a result of my rushing her to get to events on time. One time she hadn’t calmed down when we got in the car to leave. I turned on the second movement of Brahms’ violin concerto. We didn’t talk while it played (about ten minutes) When it was over, she was calm. Since that time, I have used music a good bit to put her at ease even if she isn’t having a panic attack. It makes her happy.

This past Sunday we attended a Christmas show that achieved the same effect. I think she must have been tired because she had gotten up early and did not rest after lunch as she usually does. I know she was a little grumpy when we walked into the theater from the parking lot. We didn’t walk far, but it was too far for her and also chilly. We sat in our seats for ten to fifteen minutes before the show began. She doesn’t like waiting and complained most of the time. I assured her she would like the show, but she was not convinced.

Her mood shifted immediately when the show started. The cast was large and included a number of young children and teens along with the adults. The music, of course, was the key factor. She audibly expressed her enthusiasm after each song. That set the stage for a very nice dinner experience.

It may well be that reading will be another tool in my arsenal to lift her spirits. I looked at my reading to her as a way to occupy her time when her use of the iPad dropped to a few hours a week after years of six to eight hours a day. That night I was looking for something more than amusement. She was grumpy again after dinner. As she began to get ready for bed, she pointed to the ceiling fan and asked me to “turn that thing off.” I told her it wasn’t on. She said, “Well turn it on.” I did, but she didn’t like it and told me to turn it off again. I started to help her with her nightgown, and she said, “I can do it myself.” As she does so often, she apologized for the things she had said, but she continued to be grumpy.

After she got in bed, I asked if she would like me to read The Velveteen Rabbit. She said she would. She didn’t say a word while I read. That was unusual. I wasn’t sure that she was listening and wondered if she might have fallen asleep. When I finished, I said, “Did you enjoy that?” She told me she did, but it was the tone of her voice that was the clearest indication she was all right. She also said that she remembered some parts from the “other time” I had read it to her. I felt good about that because she didn’t recall the book at all previously. I suggested that it made a good bedtime story and that we might do that again sometime. She liked the idea. I was glad. I found it to be a nice way to end our day together. Reading, like music, is a “Win/Win” for both of us.

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A Special Christmas Moment

I was mid-way in my walk Saturday morning when I saw that Kate was stirring in her bed. I went into check on her. She was lying there quietly pulling her hair. I went to her bedside and said, “Good morning. What are you up to?” She smiled and said she was “learning.” I asked about what. As she began to tell me, I sat down on the bed beside her. She began what turned out to be a one-hour conversation (and concert).

She started with a question, “Have you ever wondered how all these people around here (raising her arm and pointing around the room/neighborhood) got here?” I told her that would be interesting to know and that everybody has a story just the way we do. Then I started to tell her how we met in college. I didn’t get far before she took me in a different direction.

She talked about how difficult life would have been long ago and how hard people must have had to work. I picked up on that and mentioned how things must have been when the first settlers arrived – clearing land, building houses, hunting for game, and farming the land. She asked a number of questions related to the history of the US and the people who came here.

We had talked about fifteen minutes when I redirected the conversation back to our story. I told her about our first date and that we had attended a performance of Handel’s Messiah. She said, “What’s that?” I explained that it was a choral work composed by George Frederick Handel. She asked about the word “messiah.” I gave her a less-than-a-CliffsNotes concept of the word and explained that Handel’s work begins with the story of the Hebrew prophesy of a messiah and then the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

Then I took my phone out of my pocket and played the London Philharmonic and Chorus performing Messiah. She recognized the music right away and could anticipate some of the words and phrases but had trouble with most of them. I went to my phone and googled the lyrics to the different songs and sang along with the chorus or just spoke the words that she couldn’t understand. She loved the music and wanted to understand it better. Off and on I explained the message and sang or read the lyrics. Realizing how long this might take, I eventually skipped to the “Hallelujah Chorus.” When it ended, I skipped again to the last two, “Worthy is the Lamb” and “Amen Chorus.” As the chorus ended, Kate said, “They should have included women.” She didn’t intend to be funny, but I thought it was. With little rational ability, she relies on her intuitive skills which are often wrong.

A good portion of that hour we held hands. Periodically, she squeezed my hand tightly during parts of the music she especially liked. It was a very moving experience for both of us. I was captivated by her enthusiasm as well as my memories of Christmases past. Kate no longer has those memories, but she was moved by the music as well as asking questions and getting answers even though she would never remember them. It was an especially interesting conversation since it involved her desire for information and appreciation of the music were so intertwined.

As in the past, we are celebrating the season with music. We have already been to opera night and jazz night at Casa Bella. Both of these featured Christmas music. This coming Thursday they will host a special evening of Christmas music. Yesterday afternoon we attended another Christmas music special at one of our local theaters. Of course, we have played music of the season at home. Although this will be our first Christmas without family, we are making the most of the season and Saturday’s conversation will be a highlight.

There is no way for me to know what Christmas will be like next year, but I am sure it will be very different. Whatever happens, I am grateful for so many great memories and the ability to create new ones this year.

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Music Continues to Provide Needed Therapy

Kate and I have relied heavily on music as a form of therapy. Unlike so many other things, that is something that has not yet become a thing of the past. I would have to say though that the way we have used music has changed over the years. At the beginning, we entertained ourselves by attending musical events . These included opera, musical theater, and a variety of concerts. Over time, I included more music at home and in the car. Unlike the early musical events, I chose music for its therapeutic benefits rather than just entertainment. Initially, I used music to calm Kate when she had a panic attack. Those occurred exclusively when I rushed her to get ready to go places. I would play the Second Movement of Brahms Violin Concerto and similar movements from other concertos. That seemed to relax her.

Before we stopped going to evening events, I expanded our music at home with a wider variety of music. A year and a half ago, I bought a number of DVDs of musicals that were a good way to end the day. Kate especially liked Les Miserables which she watched seven times in seven weeks. Ultimately, she tired of videos of musicals, and I have since relied on YouTube videos of concerts or portions of them for our evening time for relaxation before going to bed. Among those, I have found the Andre Rieu and the BBC PROMS concerts particularly good. Often, however, I have done a search on a particular singer. Then I let YouTube follow with whatever their algorithm selects for us. The best thing about YouTube is that they always have new videos and a wide diversity of musical genres.

The musical programs at Casa Bella stand out for the way they combine both music and a social occasion that Kate has been able to appreciate. Music is clearly the greater draw, but the fact that we have sat for years with essentially the same people has made it easier for Kate to enjoy each evening. Over the past six months or so, I have had an increasing concern that she is becoming less comfortable with the social aspects of these evenings. That is largely because we more frequently have been seated at a table with as many as six or seven other people, some of who we haven’t known. That makes it more difficult for Kate to follow and to participate in the conversation. That has made me think about requesting a table for two rather than sitting with a group. Recently, however, we have had some evenings that have given me reason to believe we may be able to continue somewhat longer at our regular table.

This past Thursday was one of those times. There were six of us, but we have sat together with one another for several years now. Of course, Kate can’t remember that, but she is comfortable when she is with them. As I suggested earlier, it is music that is the primary attraction, and last night was the best night of jazz that we’ve had. The singer and the man on the keyboard were superior to others we have heard previously. The crowd responded enthusiastically. Kate was, perhaps, the most enthusiastic, and that may be an indicator of an ultimate problem.

She has always been more expressive of her pleasure than others sitting around us. Off and on throughout most of the songs she likes best, she says both “Wow” and “Oh.” She seemed to be louder this week than in the past. That would fit with her other expressions of emotion lately. This wouldn’t be a problem at all when the audience is applauding, but it seems a bit “over the top” during the music. She can be heard easily at our table and those next to us. The people with whom we sit are very understanding, but I occasionally wonder if this is ever annoying to them. At some point, I may speak with our friends at our table and gauge what I think is best. It may well be that the combination of Kate’s feelings about being with others and emotional behavior will be the thing that leads me to sit at a table for two. Whatever we do music is no less important for either of us today than it was at the beginning of her diagnosis, and I am optimistic that it will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

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Two Happy Moments

As Kate continues to decline, I expect that we will experience more sad moments than we have had in the past. I hope that I will be able to say that we still have happy ones as well. That is certainly true right now. Two days ago, for example, she got up early. She seemed to be in a good mood. She did ask my name and our relationship multiple times before she got dressed. Each time I mentioned that I was her husband she was surprised but accepting.

When she was dressed, she asked if she could lie down. I told her she could and then said, “I love you.” As I said it, I remembered the old song “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck.” When I mentioned it to her, she also remembered it. Then she said, “We could sing it together.” I took out my phone and searched for the song. Then I played it through our audio system. We forgot most of the lyrics, so I pulled them up on my phone. We must have sung the song five or six times. It may have been a little silly, but it was fun. Kate really got a kick out of it. I think it also made it easier for her to get up since her already good mood got better. I just know that right after our singing, I said, “Now, I’d like to take you to lunch.” She got right up.

We had another Happy Moment at dinner that night. We were having dinner at Chalupas when I mentioned how nice it was that we enjoy the simple pleasure of being together. She picked up on that and began a conversation about how fortunate we are in so many ways. From there, she gravitated to talking about the people who are not as fortunate as we are in our marriage and many other aspects of our lives.

I enjoy hearing her speak so naturally. She didn’t seem to have a care in the world. She is often concerned about what she should or shouldn’t do or say. She isn’t that way a lot of the time, but she does frequently ask me to watch her or to keep her from doing “something wrong.” She knows she does a lot of things that aren’t right. It’s good to see her at moments when doesn’t have those concerns. They make for quite a few Happy Moments for both of us.

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Trying to Get Back to “Normal”

About 10:45 yesterday morning, I put on some music to wake Kate. Ten minutes later, I approached her bed. She looked up at me and smiled. I knew it would be a different day. I didn’t test her, but she appeared to recognize me. She was still very relaxed and not ready to get up. I chatted with her for another few minutes before telling her I would like to take her to lunch.

She still didn’t want to get up, but finally, with a little encouragement, she did. It was a shower day, and she wasn’t enthusiastic about that. Again, she delayed a little but agreed it was good to get one. Then it was back to bed for another twenty minutes before I got her dressed.

It was a morning when she wanted to exercise her independence and let me know it rather sternly when I tried to help. This is a tough situation for her because she always ends up recognizing that she needs help even though she wants to do everything for herself. I really felt for her. I am always struck by her self-awareness when she responds so harshly to me. She apologized several times before going to lunch. I may say more in another post, but I want to emphasize something I have said before. I don’t interpret her irritation with me to be a direct symptom of her Alzheimer’s. It appears to be result of what is a symptom – an inability to understand what I want her to do and/or my intentions. In her confusion, she strikes back in defense then intuitively recognizes that is not the way she has traditionally acted or wants to act.

Our walk through the family room was not as long as it often is, but she did react positively to the usual things that appeal to her. It was the drive to lunch with music she enjoyed that brought her back.

We didn’t get to the restaurant until 12:45. They were “slammed.” As a result, we didn’t get home until almost 3:00. She was ready to rest and did so for the next two hours. I was on a phone call with my brother fifty minutes of that time. She appeared to sleep a while, but she was awake most of the time. She often mentions the trees outback, especially the tops of the trees she sees through the skylights. She didn’t talk at all yesterday. A half hour before we left for dinner, I thought about looking at some of our old photos, but that didn’t seem to appeal to her.

Throughout the day, she was confused about a variety of things. Most of them were the usual ones I have mentioned before. I had a hard time getting her to understand about using soap when she showered. When I attempted to show her by putting the soap on her, she said, “Don’t touch me.” I think that was a moment when she didn’t recognize who I was. She is also beginning to get confused about the use of her toothbrush and toothpaste. At dinner, I brought her an extra napkin. She didn’t know what to do with it. I explained it was just an extra one she could use if she needed it. (She always does.) She said, “Where should I put it?” I showed her a place on the table to the left of her fork. She couldn’t understand what I meant. I finally placed it for her. She still looked confused.

The best part of the day, and it was really good, came after we got home. I turned on the TV to a YouTube video of a concert version of My Fair Lady with Kiri Te Kanawa and Jeremy Irons. I have played this several times before, but she was never as taken with it as she was last night. She sat in her chair and devoted her attention to it for almost an hour. That is unusual. It is more typical for her to lie down in bed and listen without watching. When the video was over, I got her ready for bed. I had intended to stay up a little longer as I usually do, but she wanted me to come to bed as well.

Ending the day on a high note is one of the most predictable times of the day. The morning continues to be the most unpredictable; overall, however, we still have more happy times than sad ones. I am grateful.

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The Past Two Days

Monday morning Kate got up early. I was glad because she was up in plenty of time to be ready for the sitter. She was more confused than ever. I’m glad to say that she wasn’t seriously disturbed about it. I wouldn’t call it an anxiety attack, but she was certainly puzzled. It was similar to what I can remember of movies with someone who is experiencing amnesia. This is hard to put in words, but she seemed in a deeper state of confusion and required a little longer to come out of it.

It began when she got out of bed and went to the bathroom. We went through what is becoming a regular routine. She asked about the picture of our daughter. When I told her she, she couldn’t accept that. I started to explain that she and I are married and have two children. That was too much for her. I gave up explaining things. I decided to let her senses go to work.

I took her by the hand to the hallway with the photos of her parents and grandparents. I showed her the picture of her mother taken around the time of her marriage. I told her who she was. She was taken with it as she usually is. We talked about her mother a few minutes. Then we went to the family room where turned on the soundtrack for My Fair Lady. I know she likes that and thought it might jar her memory.

I picked up her “Big Sister” album that her brother made for her. I showed her the cover photo. She didn’t recognize the two children. I said, “This little girl is Kate Creighton.” She said, “That’s me?” I said, “Yes, and this is your brother Ken.” I started to say more when she noticed the photo book of her father’s family. The cover has an ink drawing of the house in which her father grew up. I told her about the house and then opened to the first page of photos of her grandparents. Rather than reading the text, I just told her about her grandparents.

As we were getting started, she heard he song “With a Little Bit of Luck” playing in the background. She started moving her hand to the beat of the music and sang along with the lyrics of the title each time they came up. She asked me to stop talking about the photos for a minute so that she could listen to the music.

Between the photo book and the music, Kate started feeling more at ease. Before long, the doorbell rang. It was our sitter. I told Kate it was Cindy who was taking her to lunch. She looked puzzled. Then Cindy walked in, and Kate responded enthusiastically. That put me at ease. I was getting especially concerned about leaving her in such a confused state. I quickly gathered my things and left for Rotary. When I got home later, Kate was resting. Cindy told me that everything had gone well.

Yesterday was another day of ups and downs. Some of it was humorous. As I opened the car door for her after lunch, she said, “Take off your glasses.” I did. She said, “No, that doesn’t help.” I hope I can get through this without developing a complex about not being handsome.

The day started well. She was up early again. She did have one unpleasant experience. She looked at herself in the mirror and said, “I’m ugly.” I said, “I think you are beautiful.” This has occurred several times before, but her reaction this time was the strongest I have seen. The problem is her weight gain. She is forty to fifty pounds heavier than she was when she was diagnosed. Most of the time she doesn’t seem to notice the change. Twice in the past two days she has commented about drinking with only one straw instead of her usual two. She believes that will result in her drinking less.

We went to Panera but stayed only long enough for her eat her muffin. She worked on a puzzle while eating and got frustrated when she couldn’t go any further. She had completed all but one piece. She couldn’t see it because it was on top of the other pieces. Anyway, we went home where she got on the sofa for what I thought would be a short rest. Instead, she picked up her iPad and worked puzzles for the next thirty minutes before we left for lunch.

On the way home from lunch, we stopped by Target to buy candy for Halloween. That turned out to be a bad idea. I didn’t take into consideration that the candy is at the back of the store. That meant a long walk for Kate. She was ready to leave shortly after entering the store. We came back come where she rested in her recliner for almost two hours.

She went to sleep but woke up a short time before we went to dinner. I asked if she would like me to go through one of her photo books with her. She did. I pulled a chair beside her recliner, and we began. It wasn’t long before we slipped into a conversation about our lives together. We talked about our courtship and getting married. We also talked about our feelings for each other. It was a very tender moment. I recorded about fifteen minutes of it.

Before leaving for dinner she went to the bathroom. When she came out, I told her we were going to dinner and then to a musical performance at our local art museum. I helped her put on a different top that I thought would be more appropriate. Then I told her she looked beautiful. I followed that by saying, “Do you know that you are the most important part of my life.” She was unusually emotional and broke into tears.

All the way to dinner, she was concerned about being with other people last night. She said things like “I hope I don’t embarrass you.” or “I want you to keep me from doing something stupid.” I found it hard to believe that she would have remembered my telling we were going out after dinner, but maybe she did.

At dinner, she did something unusual. She wanted me to sit beside her in the booth rather than across from her as I usually do. I was glad to do that but concerned about her insecurity. We had a nice meal. By the time we were finished, she seemed fine. We went to the concert, and she got along fine. It was a “concert and conversation” with Peter Buffet, Warren’s son. Apart from being a musician, he and his sister work run the foundation established by his father. He spends most of his time doing philanthropic work, hence the reason he was here for United Way. I was amazed that Kate followed at least some of the things. I could tell by her reactions to what he said. She wouldn’t have gotten the details, but she understood isolated remarks. Afterwards, she said, “You’re gonna have to explain this to me.”

As we left the concert for our car, she asked where we were. I told her we were at the museum. She wanted to know the city. I told her it was Knoxville. In the car, she said, “Are we in New York?” I told her we were in Knoxville. She repeated variations of this question all the way home.

At home, she spoke quietly as though others were here. I told her we were the only ones here. She said, “Are you sure?” She was still confused about where she was, but she was happy when she went to bed.

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Music and Rest

Even though I believe so strongly in the power of music, I am still occasionally surprised by experiences with Kate. Day before yesterday, she did two things that I didn’t expect. The first occurred as we were about get into our car after lunch. I told Kate I loved her. I have no idea why, but I immediately thought of that old song “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck.” I can’t remember the last time I heard it. It certainly isn’t a song one hears very often.

When I got in the car, I googled it and pulled up a rendition by Doris Day. After she had sung the line “I love you a bushel and a peck,” Kate sang the following line in sync with the music – “A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” Of all the names of people, places, and things that have been lost in her memory, how did this one pop into her mind, and so quickly? I thought for a moment. Then I asked myself if this was any more puzzling than my remembering the song itself when I said, “I love you.” I’ve said that thousands of times without making that connection. Why did I make it this time? We have so much to learn about the brain.

The other incident occurred the same day. We were in the car, and “If Ever I Would Leave You” was playing. It wasn’t long before she said, “I would never leave you.” I took note of her remark because of her emotional experience with another song that was sung at Casa Bella last week. I had wondered to what extent she was able to make a connection between the words of a song and our own relationship. My guess was that she was moved by the music and lyrics but probably didn’t make a connection to us. I still think that. On the other hand, this week’s experience let’s me know that she is able to process more of what is said than I usually believe or report in this blog.

I have, however, noted that she often gives evidence of rather keen insights concerning what is going on around her and between the two of us. I take these experiences as examples of her intuitive abilities, and they continue to work amazingly well. One of those occurred last night as we left Casa Bella. She thanked me for trying to keep her from “making an idiot of myself.” While I always assure her that she gets along fine, she recognizes the many problems she has. Without a memory, she can’t remember all the things each of us does when we are eating out and feels insecure. Sometimes, as she did last night, she worries about how to order her meal. She kept picking up the menu and asking for my help. Each time I told her what I selected and would order for both of us. She was relieved, but she couldn’t remember. She asked for help another 6-7 times before the server took our order. There were a number of other things for which she needed help. It’s hard to imagine the pressure she must feel in situations like this.

Perhaps it is this kind of pressure she experiences throughout the day that is now causing her to rest more. She is making a habit out of resting immediately after we get home from lunch. That happens even on the days she has slept as late as 11:00. The length of time she rests is also increasing. After lunch, she sometimes rests until time for us to leave for dinner. In addition, two nights this week she has gone to bed shortly after 7:30.

The good news is that she continues to be happy even in situations like last night. I believe it is good for her to get out despite the challenges. I am hopeful about continuing a while longer.

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A Successful Evening at Casa Bella with a Emotional Finale

Last night was Opera Thursday at Casa Bella. As I have said before, their music nights have been very important to us both from an entertainment standpoint as well as socially. Recently, however, I have been concerned because we often have six and sometimes eight people at our table. Large groups are difficult for Kate. She does much better when we are with one other couple. That has led me to think about the possibility of our moving to a table by ourselves. I haven’t mentioned that to the owner of the restaurant, and the last time we were there everything was fine. Last night was even better.

Our seating arrangement varies a little from night to night depending on the number of people at the table. The men have followed an unspoken rule that our wives sit on the side of the table facing the singers while we have our backs to them. I started to seat Kate where she sits most often. She asked where I was going to sit. I pointed to the seat across from hers and said, “I’ll be right there across from you.” She said, “I want you to sit beside me.” This is in keeping with her increasing insecurity and desire to be with me and to hold my hand. Not wanting to take the seat of the woman who would be joining us later, I helped her into the seat beside me on the other side of the table. That meant she couldn’t easily see the singers, I felt the priority was being closer together. That turned out to be a good thing for two reasons.

First, the son of the couple we always sit with was there. He took a seat at the end of the table with his mother on his right and Kate on his left. His father took the seat across from me. Although Kate can never remember the couple, she always feels comfortable with them. They are always able to put her at ease. This made for a good social experience for her.

The second reason the seating worked out well related to Kate’s response to the music. As I have noted a number of times, her emotions are exaggerated more than in the past. The music was especially good, and Kate responded accordingly. Most of the evening she didn’t respond audibly the way she sometimes does, but she was visibly moved.

The most dramatic moment came during the last song of the last set when they often sing a few ballads or showtunes. Last night they ended with “For Good” from Wicked. In the musical, this is a duet sung by Glinda and Elphaba who tell each other their lives have been changed for good by the other.

Although Kate has difficulty following conversations, I am often surprised when she responds to specific words or phrases in songs. She picks up far more than I expect. In this case, I believe she was moved by both the music and the lyrics. She began to whimper very soon and held my hand throughout the song. During the last couple of stanzas, she was moved even more. As the song ended, she put her head on my shoulder and her arm around my neck and broke into a cry. She wasn’t loud, but people nearby would have easily noticed. As we hugged, I saw a couple at the table beside us who were looking on. They are aware of Kate’s diagnosis and have been very compassionate in their response to her. When the program ended, they came over and gave her a hug.

For me it was also an emotional moment. I can’t know exactly what she was thinking. I do know that she recognizes she has “a problem” and that she needs me. I know she understands certain words and phrases from songs. Did she understand the words of the song and draw a connection to our relationship? Was she simply moved by the music and not the lyrics? I only know it was an very emotional moment.

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Morning Confusion Continues

I was just finishing up yesterday’s blog post when I heard Kate call my name. I started for the bedroom when I heard her call again. She didn’t smile when I entered the room, but she was relieved to see me. She was experiencing a milder anxiety attack than she had a couple of days ago. She didn’t appear to be as frightened, simply confused. It was another case of her memory’s being almost blank. She felt insecure and kept expressing that she felt better that I was with her. Despite her calling me by name, she didn’t remember either my name or our relationship. She clearly felt secure with me. She specifically commented that my tone of voice made her feel better and said she knew that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

I brought the “Big Sister” album to her. She recognized herself in the picture on the cover; however, I ran into a problem when I tried to go through the book with her. She was lying flat on the bed with her head on a pillow. It was awkward holding the book so that she could easily see the pictures. We decided to look at it later.

Then I started talking about her family. Although she was interested, it was too much information for her. As I had done the past two mornings, I played music for her. We turned our attention to it. The impact yesterday was greater than I have seen before. They were all choral pieces with beautiful harmony and soothing melodies. She was particularly moved by “Danny Boy,” “Deep River,” and “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.” Most of the time she held my hand or put her hand on my arm. A few times she asked me not to talk. She just wanted to listen to the music. At one point she shed a few tears. It was a very tender moment for both of us.

It was also a sad moment. She was still confused though uplifted by the music. She continues to have a sense that she is not all right. I think back to the times when I have heard people say, “At least she doesn’t know.” Kate may not know the name for it, but she knows she has a problem. How long will that last?

I stayed with her for over an hour. She was feeling better. I asked if she would like to go to the bathroom. She got up easily and took a shower. Most of the time, she didn’t know my name or our relationship, but she was quite comfortable with my helping her with toileting, showering, and dressing.

She was ready early enough for me to take her to Panera for a muffin before the sitter came at noon. Kate didn’t express any concern when Cindy arrived and I left for the Y. When I got home, they weren’t there. Kate hadn’t wanted any lunch until 3:00, so they had gone out for lunch. I am sure that had something to do with her having had a muffin not too long before Cindy arrived. I also believe Cindy is more passive with her than I would like. I think another sitter might have said, “I’m hungry. Let’s go get some lunch.” Kate might have responded more positively to that.

Kate may not have rested before they went to lunch because she was tired when they got back. I let her rest for an hour and a half before going to dinner. She didn’t sleep during that time. She just relaxed while listening to the music I played for her. She was ready for bed earlier than usual but was awake when I got in bed a couple of hours later.

During the night, she apparently had a dream. She was kicking her feet. I put my arm around her, and started to comfort her. She misinterpreted me and said, “No” in a very stern voice. Then she grabbed my hand and squeezed it very hard and held it for several minutes before she relaxed and dropped it. I don’t think she had been awake at all.

There is a lot going on in her brain right now. I just wish I could fully understand it.